Confessions of a Transylvanian (10 page)

This development, perversely, necessitates that you (when you are trying to cast the role of Frank-N-Furter for the live show) somehow manage to put your hands on Tim Curr
y’
s doppelgänger. Someone who can perfectly imitate one of the most original performances in cinematic history. And in this particular scenario, you have to find this person in, of all places, South Florida. The Swamp that Time Forgot.

So give that a few moment
s'
thought. What are the odds yo
u’
re going to succeed in your quest? You think Tim Curry doubles grow on trees, do you?

Well, in this case, the Deerfield Ultravision hit the Mega-Super-Power-Gigantic-Bonus-Über-Lotto, ladies and gents.

Because the Ultravision...had Mark.

Now, I had seen this young actor perform this exact role only a week earlier, so there was no reason why I should have been as blown away as I was on this particular evening. So what made this night so special? A little thing called
proximity
.

There was something about seeing what Mark was doing from this unique, in-your-face perspective, that I finally realized what was so transfixing about the guy: He was
n’
t simply better than I remembered him.

He was better than I remembered
Curry
being.

And while it might appear that I am overstating this gu
y’
s abilities,
I’
m really, really not. I have seen the Rocky show many times since those early days and have witnessed dozens of Frank-N-Furters and
I’
m here to tell you: Nobody ever got anywhere near what Mark did at the Ultravision week after week. There have been a number of pretenders to the throne, but not one of them got within a country mile of Mar
k’
s Frank. Tha
t’
s how good he was.

Mark became Exhibit A of how to properly perform the live Rocky show. It was
n’
t simply a matter of mimicking what you saw on the screen. You had to actually
inhabit
the character you were portraying. It was rooted in mimicry, yes. But if you just robotically mirrored the moves (even if your physical gestures matched the screen exactly) and did
n’
t give the character a
soul
, the result was completely uninspiring.

Mark, however, gave his Frank a soul and a half. He moved in perfect harmony with the Frank on the screen, but he also, somehow, managed to make the character his own. At times, you could swear that Tim Curry was following
him
. It was astonishing.

Now, being just three feet away from this blistering performer, I found myself staring in awe. And in truth, I did
n’
t really have time to stare, and awe was
n’
t exactly budgeted for either. Instead of watching the performers, I was supposed to be keeping up with what my fellow Transylvanians were doing. After all, while Mark was doing his thing, I was on stage, too.
Supposedly
delivering a performance of my own.

It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps I should start paying attention to what I was doing. Surely, I thought to myself, you can watch and act at the same time, right?

So I did my best to go with the crowd. It was
n’
t hard. The basic rule of finding your own way through the Rocky show without any guidance was to meld into the background and keep a weather eye out for what the rest of the Transylvanians were up to.

Also, if one of the main characters was headed toward you, I discovered that a good idea was to
get the living fuck out of the way
.

The show proceeded apace. Frank got on his elevator, my fellow Transylvanians and I disappeared and re-formed as a group up in the lab. We clapped and laughed on cue during the following scene (where Frank reveals his new experiment) and screamed with horror when Eddie burst through the freezer wall and began his song.

It should go without saying, based on my description of the guy, that Donny played Eddie in the show. It is the fate of any plus-size man in a Rocky cast that—if you get to play a main character of any kind—i
t’
s either going to be Eddie, Dr. Scott or both. Donny played both.

This is by no means a bad deal for the actor. Sure, if you play Eddie you only get to be on stage for the one song. But the song...well, i
t’
s not simply one of the best songs in the show. It also involves, during the course of this one number, dancing with, getting smooched by, and, basically, getting down and dirty with the actress playing Columbia.

Men have killed for less.

Donny was a kick-ass Eddie, too. Born to play the role. He had (if such a thing exists) the perfect Meatloaf attitude. The trick to Eddie is intensity and Donny managed to bring an energy to the character that he utterly lacked while off stage. Talking with him in the parking lot, he came off as your mellow, slightly high uncle. But here, he was a head-stomping biker god with a “Do
n’
t fuck with me” sneer.

Donny made what he did as Eddie look effortless and it was anything but. He danced, sang, jumped around, played the saxophone; he never stopped moving. An added benefit: Because of his enormous strength, Donny was able to toss the girl playing Columbia around the stage like she was a rag doll.

It looked to me like he was having the time of his life.

Then the song wound to a close, Frank got his ax out of the freezer and—chop, chop—goodbye Eddie. It was a shame to see him go.

After that was the reconciliation scene between Frank and Rocky, during which the Transylvanians had a tricky bit of choreography, getting set up for the exit into the “bridal” chamber. Again, I found myself directionless and in danger of getting in the way, but someone eventually prodded and poked me into the right place. Frank and Rocky were provided with a clear path to make their exit, they sidled up the aisle, Frank jumped, the light winked out and...

...I was pretty much done for the night. The rest of the movie is Transylvanian-free, so I had little else to contribute. Every once in a while a prop or set piece would need to be moved so I pitched in when needed, but mostly I just watched.

And listened. It was very, very important to
listen
as carefully as I could.

Because, see, apart from the costumes, the lights, the sets, the crap you throw around during the show and all that other ridiculousness, there is one final, essential component to the Rocky experience:

Yelling back at the screen.

In case yo
u’
re not familiar with the concept, her
e’
s how it worked:

During the course of the movie, certain moments would crop up that seemed to
demand
a reaction from the audience. The most familiar of these are when Janet first appears on screen or someone says her name (at which point you yell, as loud as you can, “Slut!”). Similarly, when Brad appears, he is welcomed with the catcall “Asshole!” This continues for the entire film, or until it gets boring. Even the most virginal of virgins knows enough to at least yell out these two callbacks. “Slut!” and “Asshole!” are the bedrock of the Rocky audience-participation script. Just so w
e’
re clear on that.

In addition, however, there are smartass comments you can jam in between or on top of almost every line in the film. These change from theater to theater (and have a multitude of variations), but it is how the Rocky experience first got started and it is what keeps the audience engaged. At the Rocky show, you are not simply a passive viewer, after all. You are a
participant
. So yelling at the screen becomes a communal experience.

Again, there are no hard-and-fast rules about when and where to yell things, but some moments simply beg for a catcall. For example, the lines at the beginning of “Dammit Janet” go something like this:

Brad :
Janet?

Janet:
Yes, Brad?

Brad:
I’
ve got something to say
.

Janet:
Uh-huh
. [Pause.]

Brad:
I really love the
[pause]
skillful way
[pause] y
ou beat the other girls
[pause]
to the brid
e’
s bouquet
.

Pretty simple, right? But when you saw the Rocky show live, at least at our theater, here is what you generally heard. The audience lines are in
BOLD CAPS
.

Brad:
Janet?

Janet:
Yes, Brad?
YOU ASSHOLE.

Brad:
I’
ve got something to say
.

Janet:
Uh-huh
.
SO SAY IT, DIPSHIT!

Brad:
I really love the
STARTS WITH AN S, RHYMES WITH KILLFUL
..
skillful way
LOSER
you beat the other girls
WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS
to the brid
e’
s bouquet
.

Tha
t’
s the basic idea. And this sort of thing continues throughout the movie and never, ever stops. Most of the callbacks are just yelling for the sake of yelling, but some of it is actually pretty clever. The best lines, the
really
funny ones, live on at almost every theater where the movie is performed. I wo
n’
t do the whole movie for you (though you can find that kind of thing online these days), but I will share one of my favorite sections.

The following speech, with my additions, is the first monologue delivered by the Narrator (called, in the movie, the “Criminologist” but affectionately known to Rocky folk as “Chucky Gray,” after the actor who plays the role).

This character suffers from what appears to be a physical abnormality. He is missing, as far as we can tell, any discernible
neck
whatsoever. (His collar seems to climb right up to his ears.) Therefore, the callbacks for this scene go generally thisaways:

Criminologist:
I would like,
A NECK!
if I may,
YOU MAY
to take you
WHERE?
on a strange journey
.
HOW STRANGE WAS IT? IT WAS SO STRANGE, THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT OF IT.
[He picks up a large book.]
NOT A BOOK! A MOVIE!
It seemed a fairly ordinary night
.
ORDINARY?
[As he turns the pages:]
THREE PAGES TO ASSHOLE. THREE, TWO, ONE...
[He turns to a page with Bra
d’
s picture.]
Brad Majors,
ASSHOLE!
[Turns to the next page, with Janet.]
and his fiancé, Janet Weiss
.
SLUT!
Two young, ordinary, healthy kids
ORDINARY?
left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr
.
Everett Scott,
SIEG HEIL!
ex-tutor, now friend to both of them
.
IS IT TRUE YOU LIKE LITTLE BOYS?
I
t'
s true, there were dark storm clouds,
DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS.
heavy black and pendulous, towards which they were driving
.
IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU LIKE GLADIATORS?
I
t'
s true also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air
.
LIKE YOUR NECK.
But they, being two normal kids
NORMAL?
on a night out, were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening
.
On a night out,
WHAT KIND OF NIGHT OUT WAS IT?
it was a night out they were going to remember,
FOR HOW LONG?
for a very long time
.
DO YOUR RICHARD NIXON IMPRESSION AND DISAPPEAR.
[He does.]

I
t’
s funnier when you hear it live. Trust me.