Compulsive (Liar #1) (13 page)

--------------------------

I sighed after a deep, cleansing breath and then pulled my attention
from the blank stare I had directed toward the window. “Sorry, what was that?
Something about me looking horrible?”

“No…I asked if you were feeling all right. You seem
different and possibly a little listless.”

“Do you miss my snappy quips and keen insight?”

“I don’t know if I’d say
miss
,” his smile
shined, but he quickly hid it away, “but I do wonder where they went.”

“I guess I’m just tired today.” In our last session,
he hadn’t noticed a damn thing. I was robotic, distant, talking about irrelevant
crap like the relationship between Becca and my dad, and how it had surprised
me they were so close. How Becca had changed because of her marriage. How I
thought she and I could become close. Anything I could think of to avoid what
Daniel had pointed out as my cross to bear. It didn’t matter that he was correct
or that next week I would be reminded of that crushing reality as a flood of
memories threatened to penetrate my wall of steel emotions. I was simply incapable
of consciously acknowledging that part of my past.

“Just tired?” He cocked his head in that way I’d come
accustomed to when he felt me drifting toward the line between truth and
dishonesty.

“Really. But, there’s a reason.”

“Okay…ready when you are.”

“Last night…I had a dream. It woke me so abruptly I
couldn’t return to sleep.”

Daniel shifted in his seat, uncertainty flashed in his
eyes. “Do you want to tell me about it?” The file, which usually rested on his
lap, waited on the table next to him. He reached for it, pulling the pad from
inside and readying his pencil.

I knew I was playing with fire. At the same time, I
had made a promise of honesty and this would at least help me avoid talking
about other things. “Yes.” The eagerness in his face couldn’t be hidden,
filling me with both fear and heat. “I was with someone…a man. I don’t know
where we were, only that there was a bed against a backdrop of misty purple sky
highlighted by a full moon shining through a floor-to-ceiling window.” Daniel’s
eyes left me to dart over to the window. Mine followed. “Tangled in light blue
satin sheets, our bodies glistened as they danced rhythmically together.” I
peeked at him, his pencil stood frozen against the paper. I willed the memory
to him through the connection of our eyes, and though he’d not dare ask me who
the man was, we both knew. My breath grew heavy in the short time before I
continued. “It wasn’t solely that it felt so incredibly real. It also felt
different. Like being with this man was completely unlike any other man I’ve
ever been with.”

Daniel spun the pencil in his fingers. “Do you know
why it felt so different? Why…this man?”

A slow, steady burn filled my insides and began making
its way down between my thighs. “I think it was because
this
man
knew me. He saw deep inside me to the core of my existence, and he accepted me.
And he knew on instinct what I longed for and how to give it to me. And right
then what I craved was his hands, his mouth, to touch every inch of me. It was
like our bodies were built to pleasure each other. Like we were made to become
one.”

“Gray…uh.”

I ignored his half-hearted attempt to stop me. “And
when he took me to the brink of pleasure, my body rocked with an orgasm so
intense I stirred from my dream and felt it pulsating through my body in real
life.” My gaze never left his when I spoke those last words. Palpable heat
generated between us. Intensity grew in the electric silence.

Daniel stood abruptly and awkwardly, bumping the table
in front of him. “I, um.”

I waited, but when he didn’t speak, I said, “I’m sorry
if that’s something I shouldn’t have shared.”

He stopped next to his desk and leaned against it,
folding his arms. Those arms that had been wrapped around my naked torso.
“No…we should be able to talk about anything here.” He sounded as though he was
convincing himself more than me. “Is that when you couldn’t go back to sleep?”

“Actually, no.” Suddenly, I was thankful for the
distance between us. I had no problem sharing the eroticism with Daniel, but I
couldn’t look at him for the next part, so I turned to my safe place in the
window. “I lay there for a few minutes drifting on a cloud of euphoria, fading
in and out of sleep, hoping to return to my dream. When I finally did, I saw
myself, lying there on my side, the man’s arm draped over my body from behind
me. I smiled with my eyes closed, but as I stared at my content face, a sense
of dread took over my whole being and…”

The vividness of the dream almost took me over, and I
had to stop for a few seconds.

Daniel stood when I turned to him. “Do you want to
stop, Gray?”

“No turning back now,” I said, trying to act
unaffected. I looked away from his concerned face to nowhere at all. “I became
cold and then wet. The bed shimmied and floated beneath me, my stomach sank
with terror. The arm that held me secure drifted away, and I turned to find him
floating in a light blue pool of water that used to be the sheets. I reached
for y—…him as tears filled my eyes. I tried to scream, but my mouth opened in
silence. He sank lower and lower until his form completely disappeared from the
surface. That’s when I woke up. Tears soaked my face, and my heart was beating
so fast I struggled to catch my breath. The dream had ended, but it was all so
real. Every emotion still present. The fear. The loss. The helplessness.”

When I turned in my chair to look at Daniel’s desk, he
was no longer standing there. He was beside me, a tissue box in his hand. I
looked up at him, confused, and then felt the tear I hadn’t known was there
slip down my cheek. I took the soft white sheet and dabbed the side of my face
before a hand touched the back of my shoulder. My head leaned into his waist as
his arm curved around my back.

Neither of us spoke until a persistent urge caused me
to snake up Daniel’s body, hooking my arms under his in the process. My head
nuzzled and planted itself in the crook of his neck, waiting to feel him accept
me with his arms. I held fast until they did, and then the words came.

“Gray…I can’t…this isn’t right.”

His scent filled me as I breathed up into his neck.
“You’ve never hugged a patient before? You’ve never comforted someone who was
upset?”

“Yes, of course, I have. But, this is different. We
both know it is.” His movements contradicted his words as his hands rubbed
slowly up and down my back. His head burrowed into mine. After a moment, one
hand left my back and traveled to my hair, stroking it gently.

My needy fingers slid farther up his back to his broad
shoulders. “You’re right. It is,” I whispered, unwilling to make it easy on
him.

We stayed that way, firmly secured to one another, the
only sounds in the office our breathing and the beating of our hearts, time
non-existent. I feared the moment we separated, the spell would be broken and
we’d return to doctor and patient, so I refused to be the one to pull away
first. And if Daniel got spooked again and tried to drop me as a patient, then
so be it. That would mean there was nothing in the way of exploring what was
between us. Except for the fact that I truly lacked confidence in how he felt
about me.

An undecipherable amount of time later, Daniel’s voice
broke the silence. “Okay, Gray. I’m here. I’m right here.” His comforting
assurance stirred a new wave of emotions within me, and my heart once again
beat faster. He held me tighter as his breathing intensified, filling me with
the certainty I sought. Moments later, he fidgeted. “Talk to me about the dream,”
he continued. “What do you think it meant?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“That’s not what I meant. I was talking about the
other part…the ending. What does it mean?”

“Isn’t that your job?” I asked, still clinging to his
chest like a second layer of skin.

“No. My job is not to tell you what things mean to
you.” His hands went to the top of my shoulders and nudged me back a foot. One
hand came up under my chin, lifting it until our eyes met. “My job,” he said
softly, “is to help you learn to look inside yourself…no matter how difficult
that may be…so you can discover for yourself the meaning.”

Securely in his trap, my sole means of escape was to
turn away.

“You know I won’t push you, Gray. But, I sense you
want to open up to me. I’ve felt it for a long time now, whether I’ve said it
or not.”

His surprising claim drew my gaze back to his, but I
couldn’t find the words yet.

“Do you feel like you can trust me?”

I nodded, yet the urge to bolt from his arms, which
remained connected to me, filled my chest.

“Then, it’s merely a matter of time. When you’re
ready, we’ll get there.”

“Time,” I repeated as the realization hit me. “Do we
really have so much?” I backed slowly from his hold and walked to the window,
turning my back on him. “Technically, I don’t have to even be here. And
officially, you’re only obligated to see me for about another month.”

He came up behind me, stopping close enough for me to
feel his presence. My stomach churned in that few seconds of hope before he
spoke without touching me. The loss registered inside me, not knowing when I’d
feel his arms around me again. “It doesn’t have to be that way. If you need
more time, we’ll work it out.”

The relief I’d expected hadn’t come with those words. It
wasn’t more time I’d hoped for, but more Daniel. And the way things were going,
I couldn’t be sure I’d ever get that.

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I stared at the blurry reflection in the bathroom of the Blue Moon
Saloon. My head spun, not only from the second martini I’d just polished off,
but also from the few sips of ketamine-laced beer I’d had in between. Kevin had
put some drops of “Special K” into his stout right in front of me and then kept
nudging it into my hand. “You need it, baby,” he said each time.
What the
hell was I thinking
? A better question was,
Why the hell was I with
Kevin
? Desperate measures.

I made a few much needed hair adjustments, then
reapplied my bronze lipstick. An unsteady hand grappled with the challenge of
keeping the color in place while my body swayed. Nathan was going to freaking
kill me if he found out I was with his foster brother weeks after I’d promised
him I’d steer clear of him. I hadn’t planned to hook up with him when I set out
on this evening of drowning sorrows and managing pain. He’d spotted me at the
corner of the bar sitting alone. As soon as we were locked in each other’s
sights, that familiar gleam emitted from his eyes, and I knew I was done for.

My phone beeped as I returned the lipstick to my
purse. Blood pounded against my eardrums at the thought of anyone finding out I
was there with Kevin. Paranoia and a buzz may have caused me to see things, but
it appeared that even Eddy the bartender was giving us the stink eye. The
number displayed was unexpected and from the one person I hadn’t given a crap
what they thought. My finger hit the
Reject
button before my brain could
decide.
How could he call me tonight of all nights
?
That bastard knew
hearing from him would make today even worse than it already was
.

Anger seethed through every inch of me with no outlet
to release upon. I breathed and stared at my phone, painfully aware I couldn’t
call Nathan. My finger swiped through the contacts and landed on Daniel’s name.
What would I say
? Anything to get him to talk. Hearing his voice would calm
me. No, I couldn’t. I’d have to lie. Then, instead of pressing the
Home
button, my finger touched
Send
. Panic shot through me as I decided what
to do. Soon after, I ended the call, loneliness enveloping me as I yearned for
Daniel.

Relinquished to dying with old habits, I stuck my
phone away in my purse. My fingers brushed the corner of the picture I kept in
the side compartment. I sighed and fought the urge to pull it out. Somehow a tick
later, it was in my shaky hands. I gaped at the image, fighting back every
ounce of sorrow and frustration ready to burst through the dam I’d built to
hold it back. “Happy Birthday,” I whispered.

“Excuse me.” A short, dirty blonde in long black boots
clogged by me to the small sink area.

Her wake rocked the picture loose from my grip. “No!”
I scrambled and almost slipped in my heels, working to snatch it in the air
before it hit the filthy tile floor. Adrenaline kicked away the emotional storm
that threatened. I glared at Shorty in the mirror before tucking the picture
carefully back in its home. Steeling myself and plastering on a smile, I bound
through the door, ready to black the night away any way I could.

“There you are, baby. I was getting worried.”

I smiled and slinked my hand down his arm as I slipped
back onto my barstool. “There was a line. I’m fine.” A couple more drinks, and
we’d both believe it.

“Eddy!” Kevin held up a hand, connected to a tattoo-sleeved
arm similar to his brother’s. Eddy looked over without his always-present
jovial expression. “We need another round here, man.” The bartender nodded
after his eyes darted to me with concern. I returned a wink and a smile.

“How long are you staying?”

“Shit, you sick of me already?”

Kevin had a sexy, rugged look about him, but his
complete disregard for anyone but himself sucked the hot clean off his body.
His charm had limits, but he did know how to take a woman and make her forget
her troubles. “No, I was wondering what your plans were. Nathan said you were only
here for a visit.”

He took a long pull of his beer like he’d just stepped
out of the Sahara. “Yeah, I bet he did. My bro wasn’t too glad to see me.”

I sipped my martini and looked across the bar,
avoiding any response. The noises in the room—music, laughter, voices, and barware
clanking—all seemed to blend together for that underwater effect. An empty
stomach and liquid dinner sped me closer to the inevitable outcome.

A hand landed low on my waist, pulling me and my barstool
closer to Kevin. “Are
you
glad to see me, baby?” He swept the hair from
my neck, leaned in, and let his hot breath float across my collarbone.

“Of course. I’ve missed you.” Even in my relaxed
state, that had been the most difficult lie I’d delivered in weeks.

He rubbed my back the way Daniel had the other day. I
closed my eyes, trying to recapture the feelings from that day. I leaned into
Kevin, catching a freshly showered man smell that could ignite my senses if I
let it. “Then, what are we waiting for?” he said. “Let’s get out of here.”

Every movement took more effort then. I reached for my
glass. “Let’s finish our drinks first.”

He took my wrist and replaced my drink for his. He
must have put something in it while I was in the restroom, but still I took it
willingly and drank.

“Eddy, I need to settle up,” he said.

Eddy glanced over while pouring a beer, but didn’t
acknowledge the request. Kevin took my chin in his hand and kissed me gently on
the side of my mouth. “I’m going to piss, then we’re out of here.”

I watched him until he disappeared down the corridor.
When I turned back, Eddy stood in front of me, looking expectantly. “C’mon,
Gray.”

“What? Where’s the check?”

His head shot over his shoulder to the door. “Don’t
have it ready yet. Sorry, computer’s down, and I already ran Kevin’s card, so I
can’t close out.”

As high as I was feeling, I could still sense what was
happening. I wasn’t going to wait for it to play out. “You called Nathan?” I
checked the door, considering my options. We could bolt and be gone before
Nathan arrived, but he still knew, and I’d catch hell for it. “Dammit, Eddy!” I
chose option two and jumped from my chair. Where the hell I was going in that
state had yet to be determined.

“Gray, wait.” From behind the bar, Eddy paralleled my
path to the door.

I heard my name again, but couldn’t make out if it was
Eddy or Kevin. I picked up my pace, skirted around a large table of people,
almost turned over an ankle, and arrived at the front door as it was opening.

The panic at seeing Nathan’s angry and disappointed
face did little to sober me. On instinct, we landed in each other’s arms; his
hand cupped my head. “Thank God,” he whispered into my ear as if I’d survived a
plane crash. Then, his tone turned harsh. “What the hell are you doing, Gray?”

I quickly pulled away. “Hey, I don’t need a
babysitter.”

“Since when? Damn, Gray, you said you’d stay away from
Kev.”

“Thanks, bro. What the fuck did I ever do to you?”

I startled and bounced my head over my shoulder. The
look I gave Kevin was something akin to a scene from a bad seventies drama, but
he registered nothing but anger for Nathan.

“You want a list, man?” Nathan said, stepping away
from the door.

Kevin pushed by me, and I almost lost my balance. He
stopped short of inches from Nathan’s face. “When are you ever gonna let shit go?”

The last few sips of whatever it was Kevin had
barreled down on me along with a hefty dose of guilt and fear. The only time
those two came close to blows had been because of me. The room whirled around
as I watched Nathan and his brother go at it. I tried to interject into their
argument. “We didn’t plan this. We were both just here.” The rare truthful
excuse seemed to float from my mouth up to the ceiling, mingling with hot air
and music. It was as if I’d disappeared. I backed away slowly, looking for a
place to retreat, away from another disaster I’d created. My eyes searched and
found Eddy, pleading for help. He nodded to me from across the room and raced
to the other end of the bar as I went for the back exit on wobbly legs.

Cold air hit me as I entered the dim patio area,
heading for the back door. A moment of weakness stopped my shuffling feet
before I reached for the handle.
What choice do I have
? There was
nothing constructive I could do in the state I was in.

He caught me from behind as I touched the side of the
door. “Gray!”

The hand grabbing my arm was not attached to Eddy. I
blinked and squinted. My legs almost buckled under me. He couldn’t have known,
so it had to be my head escalating to a new high.

“Are you okay?”

Daniel stood in front of me, heavenly tall and solid,
a beacon to swim to from within the dark waters. Yet, I stayed frozen, my arm
still in his grasp, unsure of his motives. “What are you doing here?”

“Nathan called me.”

Nathan must have felt desperate to seek Daniel’s help.
That thought filled me with more guilt, but I pushed it to the corner with the
rest of the pile of discarded emotions. “Wow, talk about a party line gone bad.”
My arm slipped from his hand as I backed away. “So, you’ve come to claim your
patient?”

“Please, tell me if you’re okay?” He gave me a once-over,
brows knotting, as I clung to a nearby table to keep steady. I imagined
disapproval in his expression, but then I caught something else. “God, if
anything ever happened to—”

“Nathan didn’t fill you in?” I couldn’t risk being let
down if I believed what it sounded like he was saying. “It seems you’ve both
come to my rescue. I should be flattered, but I know better.”

His face fell. As bad as I wanted to let my anger
loose on Daniel, those disillusioned, midnight blue eyes glistening against the
moonlight locked me in and weakened my defenses.

“He didn’t say anything except that you were here and
might need me. And since I got a missed call from you, I came right over.”

“Well, Dr. Harrison. You can see I’m all in one
piece.” I smiled and attempted straight posture and a steady stance even as
every fiber craved to melt into his embrace. The precarious ground beneath my
feet and the pathetic thought of being his charity case held me back. “And I’m
just heading out.”

I turned and once again he took hold of me, this time
pulling me to his side, demanding my attention. Heat shot up my spine and
landed on my cheeks. The additional temperature did nothing for my stability.
My stomach held equal shares of queasiness and knots.

“You’re not going anywhere like this.” The last time
I’d heard his tone so commanding was when he’d faced off against the angry
red-haired guy at the hospital.

My breath caught in the gaze of his determined eyes,
strong chin, and clenched jaw. “I’m not your responsibility, Daniel.” I
wriggled under his captive hold of me, but he held strong.

“Let’s go.” Leading me by the arm, he pushed us out
the back door.

The cloud surrounding my head made it impossible to
tell if I was a willing captive or too weak to fight. “I’m not going home,
Daniel.” My voice protested for my body.

“No…you’re not. We’re going to my place.”