Complete Works of Rudyard Kipling (Illustrated) (487 page)

“‘What ‘ave you got now?’ I says.

“‘
I
ain’t an officer,’ ‘e says. ‘
My
sword won’t be handed back to me at the end o’ the court-martial on account o’ my little weaknesses, an’ no stain on my character. I’m only a pore beggar of a Red Marine with eighteen years’ service, an’ why for,’ says he, wringin’ ‘is hands like this all the time, ‘must I chuck away my pension, sub-lootenant or no sub-lootenant? Look at ‘em,’ he says, ‘only look at ‘em. Marines fallin’ in for small-arm drill!’

“The leathernecks was layin’ aft at the double, an’ a more insanitary set of accidents I never wish to behold. Most of ‘em was in their shirts. They had their trousers on, of course — rolled up nearly to the knee, but what I mean is belts over shirts. Three or four ‘ad
our
caps, an’ them that had drawn helmets wore their chin-straps like Portugee earrings. Oh, yes; an’ three of ‘em ‘ad only one boot! I knew what our bafflin’ tattics was goin’ to be, but even I was mildly surprised when this gay fantasia of Brazee drummers halted under the poop, because of an ‘ammick in charge of our Navigator, an’ a small but ‘ighly efficient landin’-party.

“‘‘Ard astern both screws!’ says the Navigator. ‘Room for the captain’s ‘ammick!’ The captain’s servant — Cockburn ‘is name was — had one end, an’ our newly promoted Antonio, in a blue slop rig, ‘ad the other. They slung it from the muzzle of the port poop quick-firer thort-ships to a stanchion. Then the old man flickered up, smokin’ a cigarette, an’ brought ‘is stern to an anchor slow an’ oriental.

“‘What a blessin’ it is, Mr. Ducane,’ ‘e says to our sub-lootenant, ‘to be out o’ sight o’ the ‘ole pack o’ blighted admirals! What’s an admiral after all?’ ‘e says. ‘Why, ‘e’s only a post-captain with the pip, Mr. Ducane. The drill will now proceed. What O! Antonio,
descendez
an’ get me a split.’

“When Antonio came back with the whisky-an’-soda, he was told off to swing the ‘ammick in slow time, an’ that massacritin’ small-arm party went on with their oratorio. The Sergeant had been kindly excused from participating an’ he was jumpin’ round on the poop-ladder, stretchin’ ‘is leather neck to see the disgustin’ exhibition an’ cluckin’ like a ash- hoist. A lot of us went on the fore an’ aft bridge an’ watched ‘em like ‘Listen to the Band in the Park.’ All these evolutions, I may as well tell you, are highly unusual in the Navy. After ten minutes o’ muckin’ about, Glass ‘ere — pity ‘e’s so drunk! — says that ‘e’d had enough exercise for ‘is simple needs an’ he wants to go ‘ome. Mr. Ducane catches him a sanakatowzer of a smite over the ‘ead with the flat of his sword. Down comes Glass’s rifle with language to correspond, and he fiddles with the bolt. Up jumps Maclean — ’oo was a Gosport ‘ighlander — an’ lands on Glass’s neck, thus bringin’ him to the deck, fully extended.

“The old man makes a great show o’ wakin’ up from sweet slumbers. ‘Mistah Ducane,’ he says, ‘what is this painful interregnum?’ or words to that effect. Ducane takes one step to the front, an’ salutes: ‘Only ‘nother case of attempted assassination, Sir,’ he says.

“‘Is that all?’ says the old man, while Maclean sits on Glass’s collar button. ‘Take him away,’ ‘e says, ‘he knows the penalty.’”

“Ah! I suppose that is the ‘invincible
morgue
Britannic in the presence of brutally provoked mutiny,’” I muttered, as I turned over the pages of M. de C.

“So, Glass, ‘e was led off kickin’ an’ squealin’, an’ hove down the ladder into ‘is Sergeant’s volupshus arms. ‘E run Glass forward, an’ was all for puttin’ ‘im in irons as a maniac.

“‘You refill your waterjacket and cool off!’ says Glass, sittin’ down rather winded. ‘The trouble with you is you haven’t any imagination.’

“‘Haven’t I? I’ve got the remnants of a little poor authority though,’ ‘e says, lookin’ pretty vicious.

“‘You ‘ave?’ says Glass. ‘Then for pity’s sake ‘ave some proper feelin’ too. I’m goin’ to be shot this evenin’. You’ll take charge o’ the firin’- party.’

“Some’ow or other, that made the Sergeant froth at the mouth. ‘E ‘ad no more play to his intellects than a spit-kid. ‘E just took everything as it come. Well, that was about all, I think…. Unless you’d care to have me resume my narrative.”

We resumed on the old terms, but with rather less hot water. The marine on the floor breathed evenly, and Mr. Pyecroft nodded.

“I may have omitted to inform you that our Number One took a general row round the situation while the small-arm party was at work, an’ o’ course he supplied the outlines; but the details we coloured in by ourselves. These were our tattics to baffle Antonio. It occurs to the Carpenter to ‘ave the steam-cutter down for repairs. ‘E gets ‘is cheero-party together, an’ down she comes. You’ve never seen a steam-cutter let down on the deck, ‘ave you? It’s not usual, an’ she takes a lot o’ humourin’. Thus we ‘ave the starboard side completely blocked an’ the general traffic tricklin’ over’ead along the fore-an’-aft bridge. Then Chips gets into her an’ begins balin’ out a mess o’ small reckonin’s on the deck. Simultaneous there come up three o’ those dirty engine-room objects which we call ‘tiffies,’ an’ a stoker or two with orders to repair her steamin’-gadgets.
They
get into her an’ bale out another young Christmas-treeful of small reckonin’s — brass mostly. Simultaneous it hits the Pusser that ‘e’d better serve out mess pork for the poor matlow. These things half shifted Retallick, our chief cook, off ‘is bed-plate. Yes, you might say they broke ‘im wide open. ‘E wasn’t at all used to ‘em.

“Number One tells off five or six prime, able-bodied seamen-gunners to the pork barrels. You never see pork fisted out of its receptacle, ‘ave you? Simultaneous, it hits the Gunner that now’s the day an’ now’s the hour for a non-continuous class in Maxim instruction. So they all give way together, and the general effect was
non plus ultra
. There was the cutter’s innards spread out like a Fratton pawnbroker’s shop; there was the ‘tiffies’ hammerin’ in the stern of ‘er, an’
they
ain’t antiseptic; there was the Maxim class in light skirmishin’ order among the pork, an’ forrard the blacksmith had ‘is forge in full blast, makin’ ‘orse-shoes, I suppose. Well, that accounts for the starboard side. The on’y warrant officer ‘oo hadn’t a look in so far was the Bosun. So ‘e stated, all out of ‘is own ‘ead, that Chips’s reserve o’ wood an’ timber, which Chips ‘ad stole at our last refit, needed restowin’. It was on the port booms — a young an’ healthy forest of it, for Charley Peace wasn’t to be named ‘longside o’ Chips for burglary.

“‘All right,’ says our Number One. ‘You can ‘ave the whole port watch if you like. Hell’s Hell,’ ‘e says, ‘an when there study to improve.’

“Jarvis was our Bosun’s name. He hunted up the ‘ole of the port watch by hand, as you might say, callin’ ‘em by name loud an’ lovin’, which is not precisely Navy makee-pigeon. They ‘ad that timber-loft off the booms, an’ they dragged it up and down like so many sweatin’ little beavers. But Jarvis was jealous o’ Chips an’ went round the starboard side to envy at him.

“‘Tain’t enough,’ ‘e says, when he had climbed back. ‘Chips ‘as got his bazaar lookin’ like a coal-hulk in a cyclone. We must adop’ more drastic measures.’ Off ‘e goes to Number One and communicates with ‘im. Number One got the old man’s leave, on account of our goin’ so slow (we were keepin’ be’ind the tramp), to fit the ship with a full set of patent supernumerary sails. Four trysails — yes, you might call ‘em trysails — was our Admiralty allowance in the un’eard of event of a cruiser breakin’ down, but we had our awnin’s as well. They was all extricated from the various flats an’ ‘oles where they was stored, an’ at the end o’ two hours’ hard work Number One ‘e made out eleven sails o’ different sorts and sizes. I don’t know what exact nature of sail you’d call ‘em — pyjama-stun’sles with a touch of Sarah’s shimmy, per’aps — but the riggin’ of ‘em an’ all the supernumerary details, as you might say, bein’ carried on through an’ over an’ between the cutter an’ the forge an’ the pork an’ cleanin’ guns, an’ the Maxim class an’ the Bosun’s calaboose
and
the paintwork, was sublime. There’s no other word for it. Sub-lime!

“The old man keeps swimmin’ up an’ down through it all with the faithful Antonio at ‘is side, fetchin’ him numerous splits. ‘E had eight that mornin’, an’ when Antonio was detached to get ‘is spy-glass, or his gloves, or his lily-white ‘andkerchief, the old man man would waste ‘em down a ventilator. Antonio must ha’ learned a lot about our Navy thirst.”

“He did.”

“Ah! Would you kindly mind turnin’ to the precise page indicated an’ givin’ me a
résumé
of ‘is tattics?” said Mr. Pyecroft, drinking deeply. “I’d like to know ‘ow it looked from ‘is side o’ the deck.”

“How will this do?” I said. “‘
Once clear of the land, like Voltaire’s
Habakkuk
—  —  — ”‘

“One o’ their new commerce-destroyers, I suppose,” Mr. Pyecroft interjected.

“‘ —
each man seemed veritably capable of all — to do according to his will. The boats, dismantled and forlorn, are lowered upon the planking. One cries “Aid me!” flourishing at the same time the weapons of his business. A dozen launch themselves upon him in the orgasm of zeal misdirected. He beats them off with the howlings of dogs. He has lost a hammer. This ferocious outcry signifies that only. Eight men seek the utensil, colliding on the way with some many others which, seated in the stern of the boat, tear up and scatter upon the planking the ironwork which impedes their brutal efforts. Elsewhere, one detaches from on high wood, canvas, iron bolts, coal-dust — what do I know
?’”

“That’s where ‘e’s comin’ the bloomin’
onjeuew
. ‘E knows a lot, reely.”

“‘
They descend thundering upon the planking, and the spectacle cannot reproduce itself. In my capacity of valet to the captain, whom I have well and beautifully plied with drink since the rising of the sun (behold me also, Ganymede!) I pass throughout observing, it may be not a little. They ask orders. There is none to give them. One sits upon the edge of the vessel and chants interminably the lugubrious “Roule Britannia” — to endure how lomg
?’”

“That was me! On’y ‘twas ‘A Life on the Ocean Wave’ — which I hate more than any stinkin’ tune I know, havin’ dragged too many nasty little guns to it. Yes, Number One told me off to that for ten minutes; an’ I ain’t musical, you might say.”

“
‘Then come marines, half-dressed, seeking vainly through this “tohu- bohu
”‘ (that’s one of his names for the
Archimandrite
, Mr. Pyecroft), ‘
for a place whence they shall not be dislodged. The captain, heavy with drink, rolls himself from his hammock. He would have his people fire the Maxims. They demand which Maxim. That to him is equal. The breech-lock indispensable is not there. They demand it of one who opens a barrel of pork, for this Navy feeds at all hours. He refers them to the cook, yesterday my master
— ’”

“Yes, an’ Retallick nearly had a fit. What a truthful an’ observin’ little
Antonio we ‘ave!”

“‘
It is discovered in the hands of a boy who says, and they do not rebuke him, that he has found it by hazard
.’ I’m afraid I haven’t translated quite correctly, Mr. Pyecroft, but I’ve done my best.”

“Why, it’s beautiful — you ought to be a Frenchman — you ought. You don’t want anything o’
me
. You’ve got it all there.”

“Yes, but I like your side of it. For instance. Here’s a little thing I can’t quite see the end of. Listen! ‘
Of the domain which Britannia rules by sufferance, my gross captain, knew nothing, and his Navigator, if possible, less. From the bestial recriminations and the indeterminate chaos of the grand deck, I ascended — always with a whisky-and-soda in my hands — to a scene truly grotesque. Behold my captain in plain sea, at issue with his Navigator! A crisis of nerves due to the enormous quantity of alcohol which he had swallowed up to then, has filled for him the ocean with dangers, imaginary and fantastic. Incapable of judgment, menaced by the phantasms of his brain inflamed, he envisages islands perhaps of the Hesperides beneath his keel — vigias innumerable.’
I don’t know what a vigia is, Mr. Pyecroft.
‘He creates shoals sad and far-reaching of the mid-Atlantic!’
What was that, now?”

“Oh, I see! That come after dinner, when our Navigator threw ‘is cap down an’ danced on it. Danby was quartermaster. They ‘ad a tea-party on the bridge. It was the old man’s contribution. Does he say anything about the leadsmen?”

“Is this it?
‘Overborne by his superior’s causeless suspicion, the Navigator took off the badges of his rank and cast them at the feet of my captain and sobbed. A disgusting and maudlin reconciliation followed. The argument renewed itself, each grasping the wheel, crapulous’
(that means drunk, I think, Mr. Pyecroft),
‘shouting. It appeared that my captain would chenaler’
(I don’t know what that means, Mr. Pyecroft)
‘to the Cape. At the end, he placed a sailor with the sound’
(that’s the lead, I think)
‘in his hand, garnished with suet.’
Was it garnished with suet?”

“He put two leadsmen in the chains, o’ course! He didn’t know that there mightn’t be shoals there, ‘e said. Morgan went an’ armed his lead, to enter into the spirit o’ the thing. They ‘eaved it for twenty minutes, but there wasn’t any suet — only tallow, o’ course.”

“‘
Garnished with suet at two thousand metres of profundity. Decidedly the Britannic Navy is well guarded
.’ Well, that’s all right, Mr. Pyecroft. Would you mind telling me anything else of interest that happened?”