Complete Works of Rudyard Kipling (Illustrated) (174 page)

MRS. H.
All
of them! I’ll tell you anything you like. I will, upon my word! They only want the admiration — from anybody — no matter who — anybody! But there is always
one
man that they care for more than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh,
do
listen! I’ve kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I’ll tell you what he said to me.

CAPT. G. Spare him. (
Aside.
) I wonder what
his
version is.

MRS. H. He’s been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner.
Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?

CAPT. G. ‘But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?’

MRS. H. Watch! (
Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance.
)

CAPT. G. (
Critically.
) He doesn’t look pretty. Why didn’t you wait till the spoon was out of his mouth?

MRS. H. To amuse you. She’ll make an exhibition of you as I’ve made of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can’t you see that? It’s as plain as the noonday sun. You’ll be trotted about and told lies, and made a fool of like the others.
I
never made a fool of you, did I?

CAPT. G. (
Aside.
) What a clever little woman it is!

MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?

CAPT. G. I feel better.

MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t cared for you so much. I have spoken the truth.

CAPT. G. It doesn’t alter the situation.

MRS. H. (
Passionately.
) Then she
has
said that she cares for you!
Don’t believe her, Pip. It’s a lie — as bad as yours to me!

CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I’ve a notion that a friend of yours is looking at you.

MRS. H. He! I
hate
him. He introduced you to me.

CAPT. G. (
Aside.
) And some people would like women to assist in making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (
Aloud.
) Well, you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldn’t, in common politeness, refuse the offer.

MRS. H. In common politeness! We have got beyond
that!

CAPT. G. (
Aside.
) Old ground means fresh trouble, (
Aloud.
) On my honour —

MRS. H. Your
what?
Ha, ha!

CAPT. G. Dishonour, then. She’s not what you imagine. I meant to —

MRS. H. Don’t tell me anything about her! She
won’t
care for you, and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you’ll fine me occupied with —

CAPT. G. (
Insolently.
) You couldn’t while I am alive. (
Aside.
) If that doesn’t bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.

MRS. H. (
Drawing herself up
). Couldn’t do it?
I?
(
Softening.
) You’re right. I don’t believe I could — though you are what you are — a coward and a liar in grain.

CAPT. G. It doesn’t hurt so much after your little lecture — with demonstrations.

MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing
ever
touch you in this life? There must be a Hereafter if it’s only for the benefit of — -But you will have it all to yourself.

CAPT. G. (
Under his eyebrows.
) Are you so certain of that?

MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right.

CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment ago? (
Aside.
) Oh, I
am
a brute!

MRS. H. (
Fiercely.
) Will
that
console me for knowing that you will go to her with the same words, the same arguments, and the — the same pet names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over my story. Won’t that be punishment heavy enough even for me — even for me? — And it’s all useless. That’s another punishment.

CAPT. G. (
Feebly.
) Oh, come! I’m not so low as you think.

MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters your vanity, there’s nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without knowing that?

CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else — and I don’t see why I should be trusted — you can count upon my holding my tongue.

MRS. H. If you denied everything you’ve said this evening and declared it was all in fun (
a long pause
), I’d trust you. Not otherwise. All I ask is, don’t tell her my name.
Please
don’t. A man might forget: a woman never would. (
Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect eyes.
) So it’s all ended, through no fault of mine — Haven’t I behaved beautifully? I’ve accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven’t I? (
Arranging gloves and fan.
) I only pray that she’ll know you some day as I know you now. I wouldn’t be you then, for I think even your conceit will be hurt. I hope she’ll pay you back the humiliation you’ve brought on me. I hope — No. I don’t. I
can’t
give you up! I must have something to look forward to or I shall go crazy. When it’s all over, come back to me, come back to me, and you’ll find that you’re my Pip still!

CAPT. G. (
Very clearly.
) ‘False move, and you pay for it. It’s a girl!

MRS. H. (
Rising.
) Then it
was
true! They said — but I wouldn’t insult you by asking. A girl!
I
was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip. I daresay she believes in you.

Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves.

CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He kindly tell me what I have done? (
Reaching out for the claret, and half aloud.
) What
have
I done?

WITH ANY AMAZEMENT

And are not afraid with any amazement. —
Marriage service
.

SCENE.-
A bachelor’s bedroom — toilet-table arranged with unnatural neatness
. CAPTAIN GADSBY
asleep and snoring heavily. Time
, 10.30 A. M. —
a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately
CAPTAIN MAFFLIM of GADSBY’S regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring ‘Poor Gaddy.’ Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chair-back.

CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (
Roars
.)

  ’Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men!
  It is our opening day!
  It is our opening da-ay!’

Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so long; and I’m here!

CAPT. G. (
Sitting up and yawning
.) ‘Mornin’. This is awf’ly good of you, old fellow. Most awf’ly good of you. ‘Don’t know what I should do without you. On my soul, I don’t. ‘Haven’t slept a wink all night.

CAPT. M. I didn’t get in till half-past eleven. ‘Had a look at you then, and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.

CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes, you’d better go away. (With
portentous gravity
.) It’s the happiest day in my life.

CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You’re going through some of the most refined torture you’ve ever known. But be calm. I am with you. ‘Shun!
Dress
!

CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at?

CAPT. M. DO you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve hours? If you
do
, of course — - (
Makes for the door
.)

CAPT. G. No! For Goodness’ sake, old man, don’t do that! You’ll see me through, won’t you? I’ve been mugging up that beastly drill, and can’t remember a line of it.

CAPT. M. (
Overhauling
G’s
uniform
.) Go and tub. Don’t bother me.
I’ll give you ten minutes to dress in.

Interval, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room
.

CAPT. G. (
Emerging from dressing-room
.) What time is it?

CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.

CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!

CAPT. M. (
Aside
.) ‘First sign of funk, that. ‘Wonder if it’s going to spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.

CAPT. G. I can’t eat anything. I don’t want any breakfast.

CAPT. M. (
Aside
.) So early! (
Aloud
.) Captain Gadsby, I
order
you to eat breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs and graces with me!

Leads G.
downstairs, and stands over him while he eats two chops
.

CAPT. G. (
Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes
.) What time is it?

CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.

CAPT. G. I haven’t smoked for ten days, and I won’t
now
. (
Takes cheroot which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously
.) We aren’t going down the Mall, are we?

CAPT. M. (
Aside
.) They’re all alike in these stages. (
Aloud
.) No, my Vestal. We’re going along the quietest road we can find.

CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her?

CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final obsequies, don’t cut my eye out with your stick.

CAPT. G. (
Spinning round
.) I say, isn’t She the dearest creature that ever walked? What’s the time? What comes after ‘wilt thou take this woman’?

CAPT. M, You go for the ring. R’clect it’ll be on the top of my right-hand little ringer, and just be careful how you draw it off, because I shall have the Verger’s fees somewhere in my glove.

CAPT. G. (
Walking forward hastily
.) D — -the Verger! Come along! It’s past twelve and I haven’t seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round again.) She’s an absolute angel, Jack, and She’s a dashed deal too good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?

CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I’d tell you. Stop passaging about like that!

CAPT. G. (
Halting in the middle of the road
.) I say, Jack.

CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and
walk!

The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes
.

CAPT. G. What’s the time? How about that cursed wedding-cake and the slippers? They don’t throw ‘em about in church, do they?

CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.

CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don’t make fun of me. I can’t stand it, and I won’t!

CAPT. M. (
Untroubled
.) So-ooo, old horse! You’ll have to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon.

CAPT. G. (
Spinning round
) I’m
not
going to be treated like a dashed child. Understand that!

CAPT. M. (
Aside
) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we’re having! (
Tenderly putting his hand on G’s. shoulder
) My David, how long have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of you-after all these years?

CAPT. G. (
Penitently
.) I know, I know, Jack — but I’m as upset as I can be. Don’t mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if I’ve got it all right: — -

‘To have and to hold for better or worse, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so help me God. Amen.’

CAPT. M. (
Suffocating with suppressed laughter
) Yes. That’s about the gist of it. I’ll prompt if you get into a hat.

CAPT. G. (
Earnestly
) Yes, you’ll stick by me, Jack, won’t you? I’m awf’ly happy, but I don’t mind telling YOU that I’m in a blue funk!

CAPT. M. (
Gravely
) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don’t
LOOK like it.

CAPT. G. Don’t I? That’s all right. (
Spinning round
.) On my soul and honour, Jack, She’s the sweetest little angel that ever came down from the sky. There isn’t a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.

CAPT. M. (
Aside
.) And this is old Gaddy! (
Aloud
.) Go on if it relieves you.

CAPT. G. You can laugh! That’s all you wild asses of bachelors are fit for.

CAPT. M. (
Drawling
.) You never WOULD wait for the troop to come up.
You aren’t quite married yet, y’ know.

CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don’t believe I shall be able to get into my boots. Let’s go home and try ‘em on! (
Hurries forward
.)

CAPT. M. ‘Wouldn’t be in
your
shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.

CAPT. G. (
Spinning round
.) That just shows your hideous blackness of soul-your dense stupidity-your brutal narrow-mindedness. There’s only one fault about you. You’re the best of good fellows, and I don’t know what I should have done without you, but-you aren’t married. (
Wags his head gravely
.) Take a wife, Jack.

CAPT. M. (
With a face like a wall
.) Ya-as. Whose for choice?

CAPT. G. If you’re going to be a blackguard, I’m going on — What’s the time?

CAPT. M. (
Hums
.) — -