Command (25 page)

After a few more seconds of awkward silence, Julien spoke again, “Is that what the great debate is about? Whether you were going to tell me that the inevitable had finally occurred?” He made a show of looking at his fingernails then he rubbed them on his Oxford shirt.

“Could you be any more of an ass?” Grant snapped. This whole fucking thing was making him edgy. And Aria was still too damn far away from him.

“Probably not,” Julien said. “Though I do try. Constant battle. Always raising the bar.”

Grant knew he was overreacting. This was his best friend, one of the most loyal, trusted people he’d ever known. But where Aria was concerned, rational thought didn’t always prevail.

“How about I just fuck off?” Julien asked with an easy grin. “I’ll check in with you tomorrow. I really do want all the delicious details.”

Before Grant could respond, the screen had gone blank.

Silence hung thick, heavy like a shroud.

“I owe you an apology,” he said eventually.

He took a step toward her, but she rubbed her arms, silently communicating her need for space.

“That was crass. I was out of line. What happens between us is no one else’s business.”
Crap
. He sensed he was bungling this, making it worse, but the truth was, when his heart was engaged, he only knew one way to behave. “Not even a step above a Neanderthal.”

She expelled a shaky breath. “I want to tell you it’s okay. But…” She didn’t seem to be any better at this than he was. “I’ve never slept with a coworker, even on the road where there’s plenty of opportunity. And there are good reasons for it. We’ve blurred the lines, and I had a big part in it.” She paused. “That made things messy.”

“To me, they’re not. And to be clear, I’m not apologizing for having a relationship with you.”

Her eyes widened.

“Nor am I apologizing for demanding your submissive obedience.”

She put a hand on her chest.

“In fact, despite all that, I’d do it again. I love having you in my arms, under my lash, on my cross. I cherish you, Aria, and this relationship we share.” Even if it meant getting entangled. Even if it hurt when she left. Even if loneliness devastated him. “But I am sorry if my reaction to Julien’s comment embarrassed you.” He met her gaze. “Forgive me?”

“You make it difficult not to.” She gave a tentative, half-formed smile.

It was polite, he saw, more than sincere.

Slowly she lowered her hand. “I think I’ll go and exercise for a bit. I need some time alone.”

He nodded.

Maybe he could be a bigger fool. But as she put her palm on the scanner and waited for the door to open without ever looking back at him, he wasn’t sure how.

Chapter Ten

Shock had left her reeling and needing a little bit of time alone.

Though she’d said she needed to work out and it would do her mind and body a lot of good, she really didn’t feel like it. Instead, she went to her room, took off her clothes and slipped into a robe as well as the sandals she’d never returned to him.

She thought he might follow her outside, but she was grateful that he respected her request.

Aria dropped the robe onto the ground then walked down the two steps into the hot tub. The water soothed and healed—her body, at least.

Her heart was another story.

Trying to hold onto her equilibrium, she closed her eyes and tipped her head back.

At least a week ago, she’d acknowledged to herself that she was starting to care for Grant. She’d known that he appreciated the way they worked together as well as the way she responded to him in bed. They’d both also understood the relationship would draw to a natural close.

Grant’s reaction to Julien had been all male, smacking of territorialism. It had felt awkward in front of her boss, but then again, Julien continually stuck his nose into her business.

The real problem for her was that she was going home soon, and she would be leaving a man, the first man, she genuinely cared for.

Cared for? It was more than that. Much more, she reluctantly admitted.

She loved him.

Freaking loved him.

Damn
it.

She pressed her hands to her face, futilely hoping she could keep emotion at bay.

No doubt he had affection for her as well, but it wasn’t on the same level as hers. Clearly he’d let Julien know that she was physically spoken for at the moment, but emotionally was a different matter. Grant’s heart was still enshrouded by misplaced guilt and grief. No way would she offer her emotional vulnerability to a man incapable of returning it.

No doubt, they made a talented team. And she was having an amazing time learning about submission. Like him, she didn’t apologize for that. The only thing she regretted was that she’d allowed her emotions to get mixed up in the equation.

Stupid.

Damn it. She was smarter than this. She should have kept her heart under tighter control. Should have constantly reminded herself that this was a short-term situation, that, yes, of course, sex would happen when two people spent this much time in close, enforced quarters. Sleeping together had been inevitable, but becoming entangled hadn’t been.

Even if all that hadn’t been true, he was an extraordinarily complicated man, with his heart shrouded by loss.

So, what happened next?

Even if he wanted to do a long-distance relationship, she’d have to refuse. Phone calls and occasional weekends weren’t going to be enough for her, especially when combined with her travel schedule. And her parents were in California. She wanted time with them, too.

Julien could not have been more wrong. A man like Grant was definitely not for her.

She took her hands from her face. Pretending reality didn’t exist wouldn’t help anything. She sank into the tub a little deeper, letting the heat soothe away the sudden knots that had formed in her shoulders.

After a few minutes, she exhaled deeply, resolved to enjoy the remaining time she had with Grant. And she warned herself that she’d have to keep her heart locked up.

He wasn’t around when she went back into the house, and she breathed a sigh of gratitude. She showered then dried her hair. After freshening her makeup, she dressed. “Molly?”

“
Yes, Princess?
”

Princess?
She wondered which of the men were responsible for that response. “Where’s Grant?”

“
His Majesty is in the kitchen.
”

She went to find him. He was in front of the stove, and he turned toward her.

He swept his glance over her.

“Julien was right,” he said.

She propped her shoulder on the entryway. “About?”

“The boots.”

She rolled her eyes. She appreciated his version of an olive branch, letting her know they didn’t need to talk about it, that he was allowing them to go back to the easy camaraderie that had been the hallmark of their time together.

“I still want a picture of you in them.”

“Dream on.”

“I was afraid you’d say that. I opened a bottle of malbec.” He nodded toward the counter.

She joined him in the kitchen and poured each of them a glass. “What’s for dinner?” This was something else she would miss. At home she grew tired of takeout and eating at restaurants, but she simply didn’t have the energy to prepare dinner when she arrived home after a long day. And since it was just her, she often couldn’t see the point of cooking for one person.

“Nothing fancy. Beef stir fry.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Which means it has green stuff in it.”

“And there’s still some of the chocolate cake that we picked up last time we were in town.”

“I may forgive the green beans.”

“They’re sugar peas.”

“Oh. Is there a difference?”

Despite her fears, the food was delicious. In fact, she speared a sugar pea from his plate.

Afterward, he said, “There’s a full moon tonight. The deck is a perfect place to see it.”

“I was hoping you hadn’t realized I still hadn’t been out there.”

“Live dangerously,” he reminded her.

He grabbed jackets for both of them then slid open the doors.

“Can I see it from here?” she asked, frozen in the doorway.

“What we did in the workshop was far more frightening than this.”

Vertigo fluttered, despite his reassurances. “But you had me the whole time,” she replied quietly.

“I still do.” He reached a hand toward her. “Always will.”

Making a funny face, as if that would stop the glass from breaking beneath her feet, sending her plummeting hundreds of feet to the canyon floor, she took that first, tenuous step.

Closing her eyes, still holding his hand, she took another.

Even though she spent all day touting astounding engineering feats, she didn’t trust this deck. “That’s as far as I’m going.” No way was she going to the edge.

“Look up.” He pointed at the full, bright orange moon.

He moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her. As she relaxed into him and glanced skyward, the paralyzing fear receded. “It’s stunning,” she agreed. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” No matter what, she still couldn’t relax. Survival instinct was battling with rational thinking, and no way would rational thinking prevail. “I’m going back in. Next time, you can bring my cell phone and take a picture.” She wriggled from his grip and hurried back into the relative safety of the living room.

“Was it as scary as it appeared?” he asked as he rejoined her.

“Honestly, Grant? I’m learning that illusion is often more frightening than reality. For all of us.” Frustration was still there, even though she’d tried to set it aside. “You can pretend things are a certain way, but that doesn’t mean they are. Distortion is a trap.” She knew he was listening without hearing. “Bonds needs you.”
I need you.
“Your enthusiasm. Your brain.” She exhaled. “You’re not doing yourself any favors by staying out here, cut off from the world, from living, from breathing and experiencing…yeah, all the risk, the fear, the joy, the failure. It’s what makes us human.”

“You’re in dangerous territory.”

“Am I?” she asked. “And? So what? Do you want me to be scared of you? I’m not. Of your power over me, maybe. But not of you, of your temper. Despite your Neanderthal display earlier, you’re a damn honorable man.”

“You don’t know me.” Restrained energy all but crackled in his eyes, made more ominous by the pulse ticking in his temple.

Even though they were only several feet apart, Aria remained in place, not yielding to the temptation to change the subject, heed his warning. She knew she might never have another chance to say what she was thinking. “Come back, Grant. Don’t let the craziness of your relationship with Kathleen define you or your future. You made mistakes. She made mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. It’s something you did, not who you are.”

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“Actually, Grant, when it comes to this, I do.” Her heart thundered. She hurt for him, for his loss, but she ached for herself, as well. “You apologized to me earlier, and I owe you one, as well. But I will tell you what I’m not sorry for. I’m not sorry we fucked. I’m not sorry things got messy. I’m not apologizing for having a relationship with you.” She echoed his earlier sentiment.

He shoved his hands into his back pockets.

“Nor am I apologizing for any of my submissive actions. I, too, like being in your arms, wondering what you’ll do to me next, knowing the exquisite pain will take me somewhere I’ve never been. But I am sorry that you care for me and that you’re terrified because you don’t know what the hell to do about it.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “It scares me, too. And I don’t know what the hell to do, either.” She blinked rapidly. “There are never cue cards to tell me what to say, and I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to act. But since I arrived here, I’ve been taking your suggestion and living dangerously. I’m willing to get past my screw-ups. I’m willing to learn and grow and take a chance on what I want, even if I end up devastated in the end.”

She brushed past him to hang up her coat.

Suddenly, she felt exhausted and, at the same, time, restless. She was done here. But she was still trapped. She’d never exposed herself to another human being that way. On the other hand, she’d never felt this way. The worst thing was the realization it didn’t matter. Grant had walled himself off so completely that she didn’t know where to begin the excavation.

Aria went into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of wine then said, “If you’ll excuse me…?” She didn’t wait for an answer.

For the first time in days, other than to get clothes, she went into her bedroom and closed the door.

She called her parents to let them know she’d be home soon, though she didn’t commit to their invitation to join them for Sunday brunch. After checking up on the progress of the project for Blanca, Aria tried to focus on work emails. All the while, Aria was hyperaware of his moving around the house and the unbearable ache deep inside her, somewhere that, until now, had never been touched.

This was the feeling she’d been waiting for.
This
was what love was.

She just hadn’t known how bad it would hurt.

* * * *

Several hours later, he knocked on her door.

Aria told herself to pretend to be asleep, ignore him, tell him to go away. But that kind of behavior was for a stronger woman. She remained on the chaise as she called out, “Come in.”

“Stay the night with me?”

Over the rim of her empty wineglass, she looked at him. Her heart stopped. Considering the idea was insanity. She knew she should say no, leave the already existing wedge where it was. It would make the inevitable parting easier. But damn, she wanted nothing more than one more night, no matter how bitter the emotional toll.

“I’ll even let you steal another T-shirt.”

With a half-smile, grateful he’d dissipated the tension, she replied, “How can I resist?

Still standing in the threshold, he extended his hand. She rose and crossed the room to accept.