Comeback (23 page)

I needed to get out. I needed air or I was going to do something really, horribly stupid.

The balcony overlooking the river at the back of Burnzie’s house seemed like the perfect escape. Maybe the only escape left, actually. I headed out the door, the crisp air making it immediately possible for me to breathe more freely. It was too cold to stay out for long without going back in for a coat, but I would gladly freeze to death before taking a step back inside anytime soon. Freezing seemed preferable to suffocating, at least at the time being, and it was definitely better than going in there and digging through Rachel’s purse to see if Soupy had stashed his Vicodin in there. Which is what I might do in lieu of finding my coat. I knew he had to have some. He’d broken his leg. Whether he was taking them very often or not, I had no doubt that Doc had prescribed something for the pain, and in my time in the NHL, that
something
almost always seemed to be Vicodin.

That was one of my drugs of choice. Vicodin and Ambien were the two I’d really gotten hooked on. They’d prescribed them both for me a few years back when I’d been dealing with concussions and a few other nagging injuries, and in no time I’d become addicted. I’d needed them to function.

I felt like I needed one now. Hell, I even
wanted
one. I wanted it so bad I was actually thinking up harebrained schemes about I could manage to get some. Doc wouldn’t prescribe anything for me. No one involved with the team would. But if I couldn’t find any in Rachel’s purse, I could go to a local doctor, explain what had happened with Emma, how I couldn’t sleep at night. I could get someone to give me Ambien at the very least.

Fuck, I couldn’t do that. I had Elin, Hugo, and Nils to think about now. Not to mention Jessica. I was getting my life straightened out; I couldn’t go and fuck everything up again now. One day at a time. No, one moment at a time. Right now, in this moment, I was determined to be stronger than my addiction.

Serenity prayer. Deep breath. Focus on the good.

My seclusion was short-lived. I’d barely started to feel human again and get the intensity of my craving for a pill under control when the door opened and Hunter came out carrying my coat. I couldn’t help it; I glared at him for invading my peace and quiet. He handed my coat over and shut the door, staying out with me without a word and acting as though he hadn’t noticed my glare. He bent over the balcony rail, resting his arms on it like Jessica and I had done on the bridge in the gardens a few days ago.

“Thanks,” I said, pulling my coat on. I didn’t sound very grateful, though. Hell, I didn’t feel very grateful. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to go through with my earlier urge and punch something, and chances were that something would be him since he was within punching distance.

He just nodded and looked out over the water. He didn’t look like he was planning on going anywhere.

“I’m fine,” I said, trying to get him to leave. Right now, I’d do just about anything. “Really. You can go back inside where it’s warm.”

Hunter turned his head and raised a skeptical brow. “Don’t try to feed me a bunch of bullshit, Nicky.”

“Fine. I’m not okay. I’m a goddamned mess, but if I don’t get ten minutes to myself I’m going to fucking explode and it might be you I explode on.”

“I’d noticed,” he said wryly. “Why the fuck do you think I’m out here in the cold?”

“To make me explode? To get punched in the fucking throat?”

“You never paid any attention when the boys brought in boxing instructors, so I’m not exactly worried,” he said, smirking at me. Then he sobered. “I’m here so the boys will know someone’s with you, and then they’ll leave you the fuck alone. So if you’d shut up already, you could maybe ignore the fact that I’m here and get your time to yourself.”

“I don’t need you to babysit me.”

He straightened and turned around, both his arms and ankles crossed in front of him as he leaned against the railing. “You think I want to babysit you? It’d be better for me to let you fuck everything up and fall apart. I wouldn’t have to worry about you sneaking up behind me and stealing my job.”

That broke down a little of my anger and got me to chuckle. “Now the cold is getting to you. You’re all confused. I thought it was you who came and stole
my
job.”

“No, you fucked things up and lost it. That had nothing to do with me. I was just there to pick up the pieces behind you, clean up all the fucking messes you left behind.”

I winced. “Fair enough.” The truth might hurt, but it was still the truth.

“The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t help me at all to help you.” He shrugged. “Except it does because it helps the team. I may not want to sit on the bench—ever—but sometimes I have to whether I want it or not. You know that as well as I do. You’ve been a number one in this league, and even you never got to start every goddamn game. They always make us take a game off here and there, pull us out on a rough night, other shit like that. When I have to sit, I want to know that whoever’s between the pipes is going to get the job done. You’re getting the fucking job done this year. I need you to keep doing that, even if it means I’ve got competition.”

“And that means you have to come out here and drive me crazy when I’m on the verge of hitting something?”

“It means I need to be sure you’re going to be all right.”

I gave him a look that clearly said to fuck off.

Hunter didn’t fuck off. “I’ve been watching you all day. I’ve seen the antsy look in your eye. Seen how you’re getting the shakes.”

“If people would leave me alone for a little while, I’d be able to brush it off.”

“Fuck that, Nicky. And fuck you, too. You think I don’t know what it looks like when an addict needs a fucking fix?”

I didn’t know the first thing about what Hunter might know about addicts, but he didn’t elaborate and I didn’t delve into it.

“You want people to leave you alone, and then what? What are you going to do?” He dropped down to the concrete floor of the balcony beneath us, hooking his arms around his bent knees and leaning his back against the railing. He was settling in for the long haul. “You gonna hit Soupy up for some Vicodin? You gonna go around and start asking the boys if anyone has a spare Ambien? Or maybe you were thinking about rooting through Burnzie’s fridge to see what kind of booze he’s got.”

Whatever experience Hunter might have with addicts, he’d seen straight through me. Hit the nail right on the fucking head. Obviously I wasn’t going to pull anything over on him, even if I managed to convince myself of a lie or two.

Defeated, I dropped down next to him and mimicked his posture. “Actually, I was thinking about digging through Rachel’s purse to find Soupy’s Vicodin,” I said, deciding that I might as well tell him the truth. It could only help to have someone around who knew exactly the way my mind worked when it came to getting my hands on things better left in someone else’s possession. “Once I had some, I would have likely ended up searching for beer, yes, but Rachel’s purse was where I intended to start.”

“You know that once I go back in the house, I’m heading straight for her and Soupy to be sure there’s not anything anywhere you can get it, right?”

“I do. That’s why I’m telling you.”

He laughed. “You’re pretty fucked up, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Makes me wonder why you’re doing this, even if it’s better for the team. Because if I manage to keep my shit together, I might just win the starting job back. My numbers are better than yours this year.” Not by a lot, and I hadn’t played nearly as much as he had, but still.

“I’m doing it because I want this job, but I want it for the right reasons—because I’m the best and I’ve beat the best to prove it. Not some washed-up has-been who used to be the best. If I lose the job to you, I want to know that I lost it to the best.” He got up, wiping off the ass of his pants. “So I’m going to go talk to Soupy and Rachel. And maybe Burnzie, too, to be sure there’s no alcohol where you can find it. I’ve been out here with you long enough now that you can probably stay out by yourself for a little while without someone coming to check on you.”

He went back inside without giving me the chance to thank him.

I’d stopped shaking, though.

NICKY WAS REALLY
withdrawn when we went back to his house after spending some time at Keith and Brie’s place with the rest of the team. I wanted to get him to talk, but I got the distinct impression that pushing him to open up wouldn’t work. As hard as it was, I left him to sort it out on his own and come to me if he decided he wanted to talk, focusing my efforts on the kids, instead. He disappeared into his bedroom for a little while, shaking his head at me when I made to follow him.

Elin came with me into the kitchen after I got the boys settled in the living room. They were playing a video game that Tuck had let them borrow. “Can I help make dinner?” she asked.

I thought that was a great idea. “Have you ever put together a salad before?”

She nodded and headed for the fridge to get what she needed while I worked on making burger patties. Burgers, oven fries, and a salad seemed like it should work out as a decent compromise for everyone. It would be kid friendly enough to keep Nils happy but relatively healthy and balanced enough for Nicky. He’d been away from the team for almost a week now, but the leave they’d granted him wouldn’t last forever. Sooner or later, he was going to have to go back to normal life.

Whatever that meant.

I was going to have to get back to my life, as well. Liam was a fantastic boss, and he’d understood completely when I’d told him I needed to take a few days to help Nicky out. The fact of the matter was that I was essentially a one-woman show at Light the Lamp, and if I wasn’t there to get things done, then nothing got done. I knew the volunteers were still showing up at the work site for the Thurstons’ home—Carter had told me that earlier today when he and some of his crew had stopped by the memorial service—but I had a lot more going on than just that project. Plans were underway for a big fundraising dinner and auction in February, and there was the annual New Year’s Eve party with celebrity drivers—although none of the Storm players this year, since they would be on the road—not to mention all the year-end accounting and paperwork. I’d have to get back to work tomorrow, and I really thought the kids should go back to school then, too. That meant Nicky and I needed to work out some details tonight.

“Can you help me with the tomato?” Elin asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. She held one up for me. “Mama doesn’t let me use sharp knives.”

“Of course.” I’d just finished cutting potatoes into strips for fries, so I flipped the cutting board over, rinsed my knife in the sink, and set to work dicing the tomato for her. “I could teach you how to use a knife safely, if you want.”

She shook her head. “Mama said I can’t. I’m too young.”

And clearly, whatever Mama said was law, despite the fact that Emma was gone. Now wasn’t the time to argue that point, though. I just wasn’t sure when the right time would be. I put the diced tomatoes in a bowl for her, set the fries on a baking sheet, and popped it in the oven. Then I took a pan to the stove so I could get it heating for the burgers.

When I looked up, Nicky was next to me. “I can do that,” he said, taking the pan.

I decided to let him because at least it meant he wasn’t hiding in his room and wallowing in his misery.

The three of us worked together to finish preparing the meal. Elin handed me a cucumber to slice while she added grated carrots and sunflower seeds to her greens and tomatoes. I took the fries out of the oven, flipped them so they’d brown on all sides, and put them back in. The burgers were starting to smell really good, too, so I gathered together buns, pickles, mayo, and all the other trimmings we might need.

“Would you mind handing me some cheese?” Nicky asked before I shut the door to the fridge.

I took out a package of cheddar and passed it over to him. He smiled when I made the exchange. Seeing him come out to help had made me feel better about his mindset, but seeing his smile really did the trick for me. That meant he was starting to feel more like himself, at least more than he had when we’d left Keith’s house.