Come to Me Recklessly (26 page)

Slipping my key into the lock, I knocked lightly at Aly and Jared’s front door before I turned the knob and poked my head inside. “Hello?”

Shrill cries rattled from down the hall, and I chuckled a little with the sound of Samantha’s frazzled voice. “In the nursery.”

Yeah, I knew she was babysitting.

And no, I couldn’t stay away.

I strode in, flinging the door shut behind me as I headed straight for Ella’s room. Samantha was at the changing table, struggling with Ella’s flailing legs as she tried to dress her in a fresh diaper. Samantha gave me an exasperated look. “For one of the sweetest little girls in the world, she sure hates getting her diaper changed.”

I laughed outright as I crossed the room, loving every step that brought me closer to these two girls who absolutely owned me. Funny, their paths never should have crossed, and here I was, standing watching Samantha loving on my niece.

“Are you giving Samantha a hard time, princess?” I asked as I palmed the top of Ella’s head. She pushed into the movement, her tiny round head sliding back to look up at me with those big ol’ blue eyes. Distracted, she gave me her biggest smile with that adorable mouth and cooed against the fist she suddenly decided to start trying to eat. Samantha took the opportunity to quickly afix the tabs on her diaper.

“There,” she said with all kinds of affectionate pride in her voice.

Yep, man card no more. That fucker had been permanently revoked the night Samantha had fallen asleep in my bed, because between these two girls, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. It’d been a month since Samantha and I had really reconnected, since she’d opened up to me about her brother, and in those moments I knew where we belonged was together. Sure, she’d flipped right the fuck out when she woke up next to me, but I knew that was only because she was feeling it, too, and she didn’t know how to reconcile all the shit I’d done with the obvious bond we shared.

We’d fallen into a tenuous
friendship
. The entire month of September had pretty much passed in a blurry whirl that had the two of us dancing through all the tension and pretending like we both didn’t want to decimate the boundaries that’d been set in place. We hung out a ton with Jared and Aly, but we’d also started texting a bunch, laughing over the inane bullshit that made up our days. Joking and messing around.

Crazy thing? It didn’t feel like we were getting to know each other in a new light. It was like we were remembering who we once used to be. I was doing my best to keep it cool, trying not to be so blatantly transparent about how badly I was dying to touch her. Because even though I’d resolved she was again going to be mine, I knew that shit was going to take some time. But the more time I spent with her, the harder that got.

Samantha pulled a clean outfit out of the drawer for Ella and began to dress her. “Would you do me a favor and get the bottle that’s in the warmer on the kitchen counter?”

“Sure.”

I grabbed the bottle in the kitchen while Samantha settled on the couch with Ella. She’d begun to fuss and cram her hand in her mouth with a little more vigor. I sat down close to them, couldn’t help the chuckle rumbling at the base of my throat when Ella began to kick when she caught sight of the bottle. Shouldn’t like this scene so damned much, but I did. “Somebody’s anxious, huh?”

Samantha accepted the bottle from me and situated Ella on her arm in a good position to feed her. Ella latched on like she’d been drowning and finally caught a breath of air. Samantha slanted me a smile filled with all kinds of yearning. “She’s the sweetest thing, isn’t she?”

Soft affection huffed from my nose, and I traced the pad of my index finger along the intense lines dented across Ella’s head as she voraciously sucked down her lunch. “Yeah, she really is. Never thought I’d fall in love with anything the way I did with her.” It was something pure and honest. No greed or selfish intentions.

Samantha hummed, a sound that seemed both agreement and a question. “I love kids. That was the main reason I wanted to be a teacher.”

“You gonna have any of your own?”

The second I asked it, I regretted it. That was the problem when I was with Samantha. Couldn’t keep my damned mouth shut.

She shrugged a delicate shoulder, that pretty face pinking up, but it didn’t seem in embarrassment. It was rather in more of the longing she always seemed to watch my niece with. “Hope so.” She lifted her shoulder a little higher and peeked over at me. “When the time is right.”

Agitation sifted through me, and I drove a flustered hand through my hair.
Brilliant.
Going there. Knowing it’d rip me apart.

And what did assholes like me do when they got all edgy and disturbed? They lashed out, and damn it all if I didn’t know better, but I couldn’t keep the scornful words from whipping from my tongue like a flog. “So where’s dickhead this weekend?”

Samantha winced and averted her gaze, discomfort fortifying all those walls that I wanted to break down.

On a regretful sigh, I flopped against the sofa back. “Damn it,” I muttered quietly as I scrubbed my face. I rolled my head to the side and caught Samantha peering at me warily. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Really, I wanted to say a whole ton more, to berate the asshole who I knew in my gut had always had it out for me, but what good would it be taking it out on Samantha?

“It’s fine,” she whispered with a short shake of her head. “I know you weren’t exactly his biggest fan.”

“And he wasn’t exactly mine.”

She laughed. “No. Definitely not.” She smiled over at me, and it was sad and small and like a confession. “Honestly, he can be a real asshole.”

Anger tightened my chest, a swell of protectiveness that had me wanting to wrap her up and never let go. “Does he know you’re here?”

“No.” She looked at me as if she was truly wondering if I wanted the truth.

I lifted my chin toward her, urging her to go on.

“He’d flip out if he knew. The couple of times I’ve mentioned Aly, he just about came unglued, and I really don’t want to deal with his judgment.”

“You scared of him?” The words were strangled, and I wasn’t sure I could handle the answer.

She swallowed hard. Blue eyes that had me all itchy and anxious settled on me. “Not like that.” Her voice lowered with the confession. “I’m scared that he’s not right for me. Scared that I’ll never love him like I should.”

Relief pounded another beat of hope into my heart. I’d known that night when I took her home that she didn’t love him. And now she sat five inches away, admitting it to me.

I struggled through a heavy breath and shifted to the edge of the cushions so I could face her. She was so close that she was filling up my breath. Drawn, I scooted forward. All I wanted was to eat her up. Consume her. Make her realize that she was always going to belong with me.

But there was this nagging inside me, her parting words from a month ago haunting me day and night. There was a piece of Samantha that was scared of me. Terrified really. I saw it there in the shift of her eyes, the way they flared with want and need, but darted away when she’d be hit with a flash of fear.

She sucked in a sharp breath when I pushed to standing and leaned over her. Her head dropped back, and I took that gorgeous face between my hands. Held it gently like the fragile treasure it was. “I need you to know something, Samantha.”

She blinked, and there was no missing the tremor that rolled through her body. I hovered close, my nose an inch from hers.

“These hands.” I squeezed her a little with the significance. “They won’t
ever
hurt you.”

That sweet mouth dropped open a fraction, the plump red flesh the greatest damned temptation I’d ever faced. But this wasn’t about lust or my fucked-up need. This was about a girl I’d done wrong. “That night I came to you? I stopped because I
felt
you. Even through the haze of my mind, I
heard
your heart, Samantha. I realize that now. I never would have pushed you over that line.”

A strangled sound worked its way up Samantha’s throat, and all I wanted was to swallow it down.

“The night last month in my truck?”

She gave a tiny nod of acknowledgment, still remaining in my firm hold.

“What did you mean, what you saw?”

Her expression immediately hardened, and I nearly jumped out of my skin when the front door suddenly flew open to a giggling Aly. She came to a standstill just as fast as she’d stumbled in, breaking through all the intensity that hovered thick in the air.

Shit.

In surprise, Aly looked between me and Samantha, who’d jerked out of my hands as if she was being branded by fire. She turned all her focus back to the little girl who’d fallen asleep in her arms. Aly cocked her head in question, and I glared across at her.

Perfect timing, little sister.
 

She shrugged and mouthed,
What?

Over her shoulder, Jared smirked at me, scratching at his temple with his index finger, thinking he knew all too well what he’d walked in on.

If only it were that simple.

I turned back to Samantha, tucked my finger under her chin, and lifted it so I could latch onto those tentative eyes. “I mean it,” I said, not caring that we had an audience. “Wouldn’t, Samantha. You gotta know that’s not me.”

And yeah, we had a shit ton of unfinished business. So much that needed to be said and resolved. But if this was the only one we ever tackled – and we never got a chance to work through the rest of it? This was the one I needed her to know.

I’d never hurt her.

I cast her a pleading glance as I backed away.

Never.
 

I tried not to skip out of my boss’ office. But the second the door closed behind me, it was on. I raced back to my empty classroom, my feet barely touching the ground. I threw the door open to the darkened room, and it slammed closed behind me.

Squeezing my hands into the tightest balls, I squealed and ran in place, my knees nearly knocking into my chin. Like a thirteen-year-old girl who’d just found out her favorite boy band was coming into town.

It wasn’t pretty.

But I couldn’t find one hidden place inside me that cared.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I screamed below my breath, my hammering heart pumping an erratic elation through my veins.

I couldn’t wait to tell him.

Dancing around like a complete spaz, I grabbed my phone from my purse, unable to contain the grin plastered across my face. My fingers flew across the screen as I texted Christopher.

Guess what?!?!
 

He answered almost immediately, as if the hours had passed too slowly like they had for me and he couldn’t wait to hear the news.
You got it?!

Yep! They offered me a full-time, permanent position. You’re looking at a for-real teacher ;)
 

They’d kept me on after the summer session ended because they ended up being short staffed when the school year started. It was halfway through October and I was still working per diem, even though I was supposed to work only through the end of August. When my boss had asked to speak to me in her office during the lunch break, I’d been praying it was for this very reason.

Three seconds passed before my phone buzzed.

God, Samantha. That’s FANTASTIC. I’m proud of you. Really proud. But are you surprised? They’d be insane to let you go.
 

I almost snorted. He dug those types of sentiments in constantly.

But they’d become his thousand apologies.

His million regrets.

And I’d found myself whispering my own litany of prayers, searching above and beyond for the correct path.

Fear kept me from taking that leap of faith. When he promised me at Aly’s house two weeks ago that he’d never hurt me, every part of me had wanted to believe him, but it was that last inkling of doubt that kept me from fully giving my trust to the only one who had the power to destroy it.

But I knew I couldn’t continue like this for long.

Christopher had quickly become my everything.

The only problem was he wasn’t really mine.

My phone buzzed again.
And for the record, I’m not looking at you. But I really wish I was.

You wish,
I shot back.

Uh, yeah, clever girl, that’s what I said. Wait, are you sure you’re qualified to be a teacher? Now you’re giving me second thoughts.
 

With a short laugh, I shook my head.
Such a punk. Anyone ever told you that?

His response was immediate
. That’s why you love me ;)

God love him and damn him all at the same time. Yet somehow, my smile only grew.

I had another text from him before I had time to reply.
When do I get to see you again? We need to celebrate.

My conscience vibrated with guilt. I hated sneaking around to see Christopher. No matter which way I looked at it, it was wrong. No old emotion could warrant the number of lies I had told.

But I didn’t want to stop.

Home had never felt so close.

And it wasn’t as if I was cheating.

But I recognized how lame that excuse was. I might not be having sex with Christopher, but who had I called with my good news?

Seven years of my life had been consigned to Ben. Would I really give that up? Hurt him when he’d always been there for me? I hated even the idea of it. I wasn’t that type of girl, one who’d trample another’s heart for the benefit of her own.

But the idea of losing Christopher again crushed me. I cherished him as a friend. But I felt a crossroads approaching. A fork in the road. One direction or the other, because I couldn’t travel both.

Would I risk it all on a boy who was the ultimate risk?

Because no matter how close we grew, there was no erasing what he’d done.

My phone buzzed again.

Let me take you out. Can you get away tonight? I need to see you.
 

I squeezed my eyes shut, and with every part of me I wished that things were different.

I can’t tonight. Dinner plans.
I left out the part that they were with Ben.
This weekend?

Ben left Friday for a meeting in L.A. and wouldn’t return until Sunday, and here I was again, feeling all kinds of relief about it.

How can I steal you away before then? I’m not above bribery.
 

Don’t think that’s going to happen.
I lifted my phone and snapped a picture. So maybe I added what I hoped was a sexy pout. Sue me.
This will have to hold you over until then.

My knees got all wobbly when I looked at his return message, my eyes glued to the image on the screen. He was patting his heart, his mouth twisted in that wicked grin, green eyes gleaming back at me.

Kill me now,
the man was unjustifiably beautiful.

Tingles raced through every inch of me, like the devil was at their heels.

I shook my head.

I was in so much trouble.

Later that afternoon, Cici popped her head into my classroom, clutching the side of the door. “Hey, you.”

“What’s up?” I asked, cleaning up the last of the mess left behind by our art project. All of the kids had gone home and I was spent. But it was a good kind of spent. The kind attained in the satisfaction of hard work.

It’d been a good day.

Being offered a full-time position here had been something I’d been hoping for basically since they brought me on part-time. It was honestly a little surprising how much I loved it here.

But there was something else.

Something greater simmering below the surface that buzzed beneath my skin and hummed in my spirit.

Cici pushed the door wider and gestured down the hall. “That man of yours is at it again… the delivery guy stopped by a few minutes ago.” She smiled softly. “What a sweetheart.”

A flurry of nerves scattered through me.

Sweetheart.
 

Crazy how fitting that sentiment was.

Of course Cici had no clue who really was the
sweetheart
, how dark and dangerous he seemed on the exterior until he let you reach down deep into the middle, to what was hidden inside. Somehow I knew I was the only person he’d allowed to touch him there.

“I’m just finishing up,” I told her. “I’ll be out to grab it in a minute. Thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem.” She started to retreat, then paused. “And congrats, by the way. It’s going to be great having you around here permanently.”

I smiled at her. “Thank you. I can’t tell you happy I am to be a part of the school.”

She nodded as if she completely understood how truly thankful I was, and with a small wave she let the door drop closed behind her. I rushed through the rest of my cleanup, stuffed some paperwork into my messenger bag, then slung both it and my purse over my shoulder, all too eager to race down the hall and into the office.

I pushed open the heavy door, and my pulse ratcheted up a hundred knots at the simple bouquet waiting on the high counter. It was just three white lilies wrapped in that same red ribbon, tied in a soft, delicate bow, but to me it felt like another piece of my world falling into place.

The office staff had cleared out for the day, leaving me alone in the silence with my thrashing heart. But this time my heart wasn’t pounding with fear. It was thundering with hope. My hands were shaking as I plucked the envelope from the holder, my name once again scrawled across the front in his powerful script.

I tore into the flap, holding my breath as I flipped open another card with a blank front.

Missing were all the pleas for atonement, the desperate words of Christopher’s regret.

Instead they were simple words of encouragement.

Tears stung my eyes, and I wiped away the emotion that came like a rush of deliverance. Gathering the arrangement, I hugged it close and slipped out the front door, feeling lighter than I had in years. I made sure the door was locked behind me before I headed for my car parked across the lot.

Evening approached, the late afternoon air still, noise from the nearby thick traffic filling the air.

All my attention was trained on my feet, and I yelped when a hand landed on my forearm. I whirled around to find Christopher standing before me and grinning. He pressed a finger to his lips and made a little
shh
sound as he began to haul me behind the cover of a tree.

I struggled to catch my breath, laughing as I chastised quietly, “What are you doing here?”

He pulled me to face him, searing green eyes darting all over as he studied me up and down. It seemed whatever he was looking for and he clearly found filled him with relief. He captured a strand of my hair that in the lazy breeze had whipped haphazardly around my face. With an easy grin, his head slowly dropped to the side and he tucked the chunky piece behind my ear.

My insides went gooey. God, he was beautiful and perfect, and his presence made me a little dizzy.

His smile widened to show a big flash of teeth.

Okay, a lot dizzy.

“I couldn’t wait until the weekend to tell you congratulations, so I figured if you couldn’t come to me, then I would come to you.”

I shook my head, chewing at my lower lip that slipped right into a self-conscious grin. “You really are crazy, aren’t you?”

Christopher just laughed, before his expression transformed into something unfathomable. “You have no clue, Samantha.”

He glanced down at the flowers held fast in my arms before he moved his gaze up to meet my own. The air seemed to crackle around us, a charged awareness taking hold. Christopher hesitated before he finally reached out to cup my face in the frame of his hands. He stared down at me. “Hope you know every single word is true, Samantha.”

And I knew he was referring to the words scrawled in the cards that were now tucked away in a drawer that housed my most precious possessions: accolades from school, an heirloom ring passed on from my great-grandmother, letters from Stewart, sweet pictures my first students had drawn.

Now Christopher was there – with what I cherished most.

Green eyes searched my face and his thumbs skated across the apples of my cheeks.

Realization crawled over me in a blanket of shivers.

I wanted him to kiss me.

Silently I begged him to make the move, to turn me and press me up against his truck like he’d done all those months ago. But this time I wouldn’t stop him. This time I would welcome him.

Instead he dropped his mouth to my forehead. His lips lingered there for the longest time, his hands stroking up and down my jaw, my heart a complete shattered mess because I knew without a doubt he now held it in the palm of his hand.

Because I no longer wanted to be afraid. No, it wasn’t that. What I wanted was for my fear to no longer hold me back.

I wanted to trust because I was certain this amazing man had earned it.

Reluctantly, he pulled away, and God, did it make me a fool that I wanted to beg him not to?

“I’ll see you on Saturday,” he said. He squeezed my hand when he stepped away, like he didn’t want to let me go any more than I wanted him to. He didn’t release his hold until our arms were stretched out between us, our fingertips hovering in the air to get one last brush of skin before we parted.

“Saturday,” he said again, although this time the promise was clear.

It was the promise of something more.

A loose thread of uneasiness was still woven through the fabric of my being. But it was thin and quickly fraying. I no longer wanted to be controlled by my fears, and I no longer wanted to settle. I no longer wanted to lead Ben on and I no longer wanted to push Christopher off.

Because as I stood there watching him climb into his truck, I knew.

I wanted to belong to him.

Candlelight glowed from each of the linen-covered tables, the quiet ambiance of the room making the restaurant feel even more intimate.

Ben sat across from me, filling me in on every inane detail of his day at work. I’d barely gotten in little more than two words edgewise.

Never had I felt more uncomfortable in my life. Fiddling with the corner of the linen napkin on my lap, I let my eyes wander over his masculine face. My eyes narrowed in on his jaw, the way it flexed and clenched as he took a bite. He took a sip of wine and swallowed, giving me a tight smile when he set the glass back on the table.

I made myself focus on him. He was attractive. Not like Christopher, though. Not even close. But clean and strong and proud, a cookie-cutter cutout of what should equate to every girl’s dream man. And I searched everywhere inside myself, seeking out even the tiniest spark. For a small flicker of something
more
to emerge. To feel an ounce of what I should feel for Ben.

Because I’d cared about him for so many years, but I knew that care had never come in the capacity it should.

He cut into his steak. “So how was your day?” he finally asked.

“Well,” I began, leaning into the table, “I actually got some really great news today.”

“Yeah?” He glanced up, and I felt a timid smile materialize on my face.

“Yeah. The school offered me a full-time position. I get my own class starting next week. Second grade.”