Come to Me Quietly (Closer to You) (31 page)

Mom closed her eyes as if shielding herself from that pain. Neil was never the same after he lost Helene. Our family had lost him, too.

“That was the most helpless I’ve felt in my life… watching Jared destroying himself over an accident that any one of us could have caused,” Mom continued, sucking in her bottom lip as she got lost in thought. She released a ragged breath. “All these years I worried for him, praying he was safe. I tried several times to get in contact with him after he’d been released, but I could never find him. I guess probably because he didn’t want to be found. All I could do was hope he’d gone somewhere where he’d be able to find some peace, even if he couldn’t be here. When I saw him at your apartment, it was about the greatest relief I could have imagined.”

Mom cringed when she looked down at me. “But I was scared for him, too, Aly. One look at him told me he was still haunted… broken. All those marks covering his body, screaming out about how miserable he was inside. The fear in his eyes when he saw me standing there.” Her mouth trembled, and she let her attention travel the room as if she were gathering herself. Then she turned a soft smile on me. “But there was a light in his eyes that had been missing after the accident.” Mom hooked her finger under my trembling chin. “It was you, Aly. Do you think I didn’t catch the way he was looking at you? Like maybe you were going to save him? Like you were the only thing that mattered in that room? And you were looking at him the same way, too.”

“I miss him so much,” I whispered.

“There was always something special between the two of you.” She held my gaze for a long time, before she patted my knee. “Hang on a second. I want to show you something.”

Mom got off the couch, wandered down the hall, and returned a couple of minutes later. She sat back down beside me, handing me the picture she held in her hand. Of course it immediately brought tears back to my eyes because over the last three months I really hadn’t stopped crying, these emotions wringing me out. But this… this warmed and soothed and broke me a little more.

There was no mistaking the little boy, the stark white hair and beaming blue eyes. He was sitting on the couch, Helene right beside him as she helped him support the baby propped on his lap.

Softly, I trailed my fingers over the picture.

“From the minute I brought you home, you were always
his
baby. He would run in ahead of Helene, calling for you. He could barely talk, but there was no mistaking him saying your name.” A wistful smile kissed her mouth. “God… he was just the cutest little thing, Aly. He was always looking out for you, making sure you were never left behind.”

A small sob worked its way up my throat. I pressed my fist to my mouth, trying to hold it in.

Because he had… he had left me behind. He forgot me, leaving me completely alone. It hurt so much. And I was trying so hard to see myself on the other side of it, to be strong because I knew there would be a time when I would treasure what he’d given me. There’d be a time when I was no longer afraid and I’d smile when I saw him in glimmers of what he’d injected into my life.

Tremors rolled through the length of my body, shaking me to my core because all I wanted was for him to be a part of it.

Mom reached out to touch the memory of her friend’s face. Her voice dropped in slow encouragement. “You know, she always said the two of you would end up together. She’d watch you playing together and then give me this look
that said
I told you so
.” Warm laughter trickled from her mouth, something that sounded so hopeful and so very sad. “You don’t know how happy it would make her to know you love her son the way she always hoped you would… how happy it makes me to know you’ve found someone to love this way.”

Her assertion burned me deep inside. “Mom, how can you say that? He’s
gone
.” I emphasized the word because I realized then that was what I really needed to accept.

Sorrow squeezed my spirit.

He was gone.

Mom cupped my cheek. “Hearts have a way of finding their way home.”

Tuesday evening I drove the short distance back to the apartment after my classes ended for the day. Sunlight barely clung to the sky. Golds blazed at the horizon and danced with the waning blue. Through the windshield, I lifted my face to it, hit with the intense urge to curl up on my bed with my sketch pad, to free my hand and see his face.

All I wanted was to see his face.

I wound around the lot and parked in my spot. Sucking in a deep breath, I got my bag and stepped from the car. I felt drained. Fatigued. I always felt a little bit off, like this overall sickness burdened my body. My feet were heavy as I crossed the lot, heavier as I studied them, coaxing them to take the next step. I took them one at a time, holding on to the railing for support.

All the breath left me when I lifted my head, and I was engulfed in fear and panic and an almost terrifying explosion of relief.

Because the only eyes I wanted to see were watching me from where he sat on the top step, his forearms resting on his knees, his intense ice blue eyes staring down at me.

“Jared.”

God, seeing her had to be about the best feeling I’d ever experienced. With just the suggestion of her face, dizzying waves of relief slammed into me, filling up that hollowed-out void.

Aly
.

Slanting a nervous hand through my hair, I did my best to sit still while I stared down at the green eyes that had locked on me. Strands of the darkest hair swirled all around her, stirred up by the cool breeze that had fallen with the descending night. Frozen midstep, she clung to the railing like maybe she feared she would fall, like the world had just dropped out from beneath her feet.

I guess mine had the moment I opened my eyes to find her hovering over me that first night I’d slept on her couch.

God knew she was the only one who’d managed to change it.

A somber smile pulled at my mouth while something profoundly heavy pulled at my heart.

The girl was so beautiful. Breathtaking.

Air seemed impossible to find, my pulse all thready and harsh. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to get up, to take her in my arms, to kiss her and hold her and make sure she was real because I’d spent so many nights dreaming about her that I wasn’t entirely sure what real was anymore.

Cautiously, I climbed to my feet. A tumult of thoughts fired through my mind while somehow I remained at a complete loss for words. I had no idea how she’d react to me being here, had no clue what she was thinking, couldn’t tell if she was happy or relieved or angry because she just looked fucking sad.

I wanted to wipe that sadness from her face and erase it from her heart because there was no question I was the one who’d written it there. The most selfish part of me coming back was I still didn’t know if I knew how. The only thing I knew was I could no longer stay away. It just wasn’t possible when she was the only thing I could see.

“Aly,” I finally managed to whisper, her name the sum of all the tumult coursing through me. She was all that mattered.

Five steps down, she stood there, unmoving, before her head slowly began to shake, her lips trembling as tears broke loose. Her eyes squeezed shut. She dropped her face, her free hand in a fist as she spoke toward the concrete steps. “You came back.”

Her voice ached with uncertainty and loss, swam with turmoil, echoed the broken girl I’d left standing in the middle of the lot screaming my name.

And it stung. This girl had been hurting just as badly as me.

But what had I expected? That she was fine? That there’d been a second’s chance that she’d moved on like I promised her she would?

I mean, damn it, there’d been no denying what I felt in her touch.

And there was no denying now how I hurt her.

Lines creased between my eyes. “How could I not?” My hand fluttered in her direction, wishing I could make every fucking inch of space separating us disappear. “I lied to you, Aly. That night… ” I swallowed hard as my attention shot to the place where I’d left her behind before I angled it back on her. “I left knowing I could
never
forget you, but praying somehow you could forget me. And I know I shouldn’t be here. I know I should give you a chance to forget, but, Aly… I miss you.”

I missed her. God, I missed her.

Aly looked up at me through the hair shielding her face, the face that was all twisted in grief, soaked with tears and the scars I’d carved in her spirit.

“Aly – ”

Harshly, she shook her head, a quick command for silence. She didn’t look away from me as she slowly started up the steps. She edged to the left, and I turned to let her by. An overwhelming fear of rejection punched me in the gut when I realized I was too late.

Until she glanced up at me as she passed, her eyes imploring.
Please
.

On the landing, Aly fumbled with her keys and unlocked the door, left it open in invitation as she went inside. She didn’t stop when she dumped that huge-ass purse from her shoulder and onto the floor, the act rushing me with all these memories of the days I’d spent waiting for her to walk through that door.
Shit
. Could I be more of a fool? Because here I was, asking for the same thing I’d been asking for before, seeking out her comfort when I knew it could never be something I would deserve. What the hell did I think had changed? But something had… I felt it deep… whatever had struck me that night on the deserted road in Nevada, the night I realized I wanted to live. That I had something to live for.

Because I wanted to live for her.

I wanted it. I wanted to
be
with her. And I didn’t fucking want to hide it anymore.

I hesitated at the threshold before I stepped through. Inside, the apartment was the same, but somehow it felt vacant, like I’d missed too much of what had happened behind this door in the months I’d been away.

Quietly, I latched it shut.

Aly didn’t spare me a glance as she disappeared into her room. I trailed a ways behind, not knowing what to expect. At the doorway, I paused. Twilight encroached on the room, natural light fading as the last was sucked into the night. Shadows danced and played, taunted and teased. So much had been shared between us here, things that changed lives and hearts and realities.

Aly stood at the foot of her bed, facing the window, her arms crossed over her chest, hugging herself, like she was struggling to keep herself from falling to her knees. Her shoulders jerked, and I knew she was crying as she tried to hold herself together.

Roughly, I scrubbed my palms over my face because I realized I wanted that to be me – I wanted to be the man who was strong enough to lift her up when she fell. But I was weak, fucking inept, and I didn’t know how to make myself right when everything inside me was wrong.

Still I wanted to try. I was determined to try.

Apparently her door had long since been repaired, but not the damage I’d done. I clicked it shut behind me. I plodded across the floor and turned her dressing table chair out to face the room. I settled on it, my elbows finding my knees, my entire frame hunched over in submission.

A dense silence blanketed the room.

“Aly, tell me what you’re thinking,” I finally begged. The words sounded like gravel as they scraped up my throat. “If you want me to go, just say it, and I’ll walk out that door, and I promise you, this time you’ll never see me again.” Maybe I was too late. Maybe she had moved on. God, I couldn’t fucking bear the thought, the thought of someone else touching her, the idea of someone else loving my girl. That same old insanity rose in me. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to temper it, to block it out, because I had no right to claim her. But damn if I didn’t want to.

I felt her moving toward me, and my lids fluttered open, my face pinched as I lifted my gaze to take her in. Warily she approached with her head hung low, her movements all slow and unsure.

“You think I don’t want you here?” Hurt overwhelmed her expression. “Did you not believe what I told you, Jared? Or did you think what happened between us was just a game to me? I meant every single word. I
gave
myself to you.” She beat her fist out in front of her, each strike pounding the air with emphasis, before she drew it up to the valley between her breasts, just over her heart. “I haven’t been able to sleep in three months…
three months
… because all I could do was worry about you.”

Her bottom lip trembled, and she sucked it between her teeth. “Look at you. God, Jared, you break my heart. What happened to you?” She reached out and ran the back of her hand along the fading bruises on my cheek and fluttered her fingertips over the puckered skin extending out right above my left ear. My hair had grown long enough to barely cover the rest of the scar that snaked around to the back of my head.

I’d been
lucky
. That’s what they said. How many times had I heard it before? This time when I woke up in the ICU, the doctor had granted me no pleasantries. Point-blank, he’d told me, “You should be dead
.
”
And he’d looked at me like maybe he thought I deserved to be.

“
I
happened.” I sat up straighter, lifting my chin so I could meet her eye, because I had no defense. “It’s always
me
. I’m a fucking mess, Aly, but without you, I’m a disaster. I… ” I winced, cutting my attention to the shadows on her floor, before I gathered enough courage to look back up at her. “You make me better. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, but those three months I spent with you were the best of my life. You made me feel things I’ve never felt before.”

Made me feel things I never thought I could feel, things I thought I wasn’t allowed to feel, things that hinted at joy and swam thick with affection. And I was feeling them now, all these emotions swarming me, a tug-of-war of confusion and need.

Aly’s exhale was palpable as it rushed across my face, her movements tentative as she inched forward, her legs knocking into my knees. Maybe there was something reminiscent of the first night when she’d pushed us over the edge, that intense desperation that had been present when she asked me to stay. But tonight, nothing in her intentions seemed seductive like they’d been then. If anything, she looked scared.

Fuck. I couldn’t get my leg to stop bouncing as she slowly crawled onto my lap, straddling me, her warmth covering me whole.

It took about all I had not to crush her to me.

Fingertips gentled along my jaw, and she inclined her head to the side. “You can’t understand how much I missed you,” she whispered through the torment that wouldn’t seem to let her go.

But she was wrong. It might be the only thing I could understand.

Shaking, I took her face in my hands, the tips of my fingers weaving in her hair. She reached up to cover them with hers.

“Jared,” she whispered. Tears streaked down her face, hot and fast.

“I’m so sorry,” I promised. “And I know I can’t take back these months I’ve been gone, but I want to try… I want to try to make this work. God, Aly, please tell me you want the same thing.”

Aly choked, and again, she whimpered my name.

Frantic, I searched her eyes, feeling the pain that radiated from the surface of her skin. Fear coiled, and again I was thinking maybe I was too late, I’d done too much damage, and she was getting ready to push me away.

But she was holding on to me like she was going to hold on to me forever.

I wet my lips, shaking. “Baby… tell me what’s wrong.”

Aly stared down on me with overwhelming dread as she pulled my hands from her face. For a few painful seconds, she clutched them between us. She lowered them and flattened them across her belly. The heat of her palms held my hands there, pressing, pressing,
telling
. Everything in the movement was severe, pleading, her cheeks soaked with the tears that wouldn’t quit leaking from her eyes.

All the muscles in my body stiffened. My mind raced through every scenario because there was no possible way to accept her meaning.

But she wasn’t clarifying, wasn’t taking it back.

“No,” stumbled from my mouth as I edged back in the chair, needing space, my head shaking.

Her fingers dug into the backs of my hands as she pressed them more firmly against her stomach. “Yes.” It was a declaration.

“No, Aly, no.”

Panic spread slowly just beneath the surface of my skin. Every cell in my body lit in an excruciating blaze, like dominoes tipped one by one, catching fire.

“How?” How could I have done this?

She slanted her face away, then jerked it back to me. “I don’t know. I… I messed up.”

She messed up? Silent, mocking laughter pounded me in the chest.

It was me who messed up. I
always
did.

The walls closed in and the room spun. I nudged her from my lap.

Aly reeled back when I set her on her feet. “Jared, please talk to me.”

But I was the one who was reeling. Floundering. Standing, I fisted my hands in my hair as I began to pace her room. How could I have let this happen?

I don’t get to have this
.

“Don’t do this, Jared. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong.”

“I have to… I have to go.” I headed for her door. I just needed some air. Because I couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Don’t you dare leave me, Jared. Please… don’t do this to me.” Her words were cracked and rushed. From behind, she grabbed me by the shirt, desperate as she pulled me back. “I won’t let you do this to me… I won’t let you do this to
us
.”

I wheeled around, taking her by the wrists, binding her hands between us as I brought us chest to chest. Wide, startled eyes stared up at me, her perfect mouth parted in shock.

“Do you think I could? Fuck… Aly… ”

Didn’t she get it?

I swallowed, overwrought, as I looked at the girl who I’d done so wrong. I didn’t know how to be okay with this because I’d never been more scared of anything in my life. I’d taken life, and I had no right to give it. But there was no staying away from the only one who had ever touched my heart.

I increased my hold. “I… please just give me some time.”

Aly drew her lips into a thin line, her brow knit as she studied me, as if she wanted to resist. Instead she nodded quickly and took a single step back. “Okay.” She swallowed and nodded again. “But before you walk away, I need you to know I love you, Jared.”

I knew it. Believed it.

And I’d give anything to know how to love her back, the way she should be loved, wholly and without all the bullshit holding me down. I wanted to be enough. My spirit writhed. How could I ever be?

When I turned and walked out the door, Aly moaned as if in pain, but she didn’t try to stop me.

I barreled downstairs. Night had completely taken hold. I hopped on the piece-of-shit bike I had bought to get here. I turned it over and the engine churned to life. I rolled it out, trying to see through the anxiety that seized me, constricting my lungs, jackhammering my heart. Everything about this was wrong… so wrong.

Stopping at the gate, I rammed the heels of my hands into my eyes, a loud groan loosed into the air. An unknown emotion welled thick, urgent at the base of my throat as it fought for release. I widened my eyes, striving to clear my vision as I turned out onto the blurry street.