Come Back To Me (22 page)

trying to argue.

It isn’t the end of things. After the bath, I get out wobbly-

legged and wrap Jessa in a towel before leading her back

to the bed. I dry her, taking my own deliciously sweet

time, before starting all over again, enjoying how wet I

can make her, how her body responds to my touch, arch-

ing and moving against me, how with each caress she

grows bolder and less inhibited.

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Mila Gray

We fall asleep at dawn, wrapped in each other’s arms,

and the last thing I think to myself before sleep pulls me

under is that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this girl.

She owns me completely.

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Jessa

‘You were better than her. Way better.’

I turn my head away from the stage and towards Kit.

He’s lying back on the picnic blanket, resting on his

elbows, grinning at me with that Cheshire Cat grin. A

look that makes me want to be the cream.

‘I’m serious,’ he says, seeing my raised eyebrows. ‘You

were. It was the first time I ever got Shakespeare. This

was good, but the version you were in? Way better.’

Around us most people have packed up their picnic

baskets and blankets and are making their way to the

exits, but Kit and I haven’t made a move yet. I don’t

want this night to end. It’s been the best birthday present

ever.

‘You even remember it?’ I ask, lying down beside him.

I can’t believe Kit remembers a play I was in two years

ago. ‘Riley fell asleep.’

‘Yeah, of course I remember it,’ Kit says. He leans over

and brushes my hair behind my ear, something he does

frequently, and one of the reasons I’m wearing my hair

down more often. ‘You’re good, Jessa, really good.’

‘And you’re biased,’ I say, feeling my pulse speed up at

his touch.

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Mila Gray

‘But I’m right about this,’ he answers. ‘You love it,

don’t you? Acting, I mean.’

I shrug and turn once more to the stage. ‘Yeah,’ I admit.

‘I love being up on stage.’ I think about how when the

actors came on stage tonight I held my breath, how I got

that tight tummy sensation when the lights dimmed, how

I was reciting Portia’s speeches in my own head, wishing

it was me up there instead. ‘I love the high I get from it,’ I

say, turning back to Kit. ‘There’s nothing like it.’

He’s watching me with that look he gets sometimes

when I talk, his face lit up, and I get that tight tummy

sensation all over again, but for different reasons. ‘Well,

actually that’s not true,’ I say, shifting towards him,

suddenly forgetting all about acting and thinking all

about Kit naked. ‘There is something better.’

Kit grabs my wrist and pulls me down on top of him.

‘Don’t tempt me, woman,’ he growls into my ear. He

kisses me on my forehead and we lie there, me with my

head nestled on his shoulder, relaxing into each other’s

arms. It’s been five days since our night together after my

prom. With school out we’re managing to spend most

days together, though Kit has been training for his phys-

ical fitness test with Riley most mornings and I’ve been

doing some volunteering with Didi at the veteran hospi-

tal where her dad works. Our schedule goes something

like lunch, driving lesson, making out. We’ve had a few

full-on sessions on his single bed, mapping each other’s

bodies, getting more intimate than I thought was pos-

sible, but though we’ve come very close, we’ve still not

had sex yet. Kit keeps on saying that there’s no rush,

though he’s leaving in sixteen days so I beg to differ.

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I think he might be planning something, though – he’s

king of the romantic gesture, after all. He turned up

tonight with a bouquet of flowers and a picnic hamper

stuffed full of goodies he’d made himself, and I have a

collection of texts on my phone that would probably

make any woman in the world swoon. He even managed

to fix the Arabic setting on my iPhone, which makes it a

whole lot easier to send him messages back.

‘You should be an actress, Jessa,’ Kit says now, his hand

stroking my arm.

I shake my head. ‘Who actually makes it as an actress?

Everyone wants to be one. If you gave me a cent for every

girl in California who dreams of becoming one, I’d be

able to pay my own way through college. What are the

odds of making it?’

Kit leans away so he can look at me. ‘So that’s it?

You’re going to quit because there’s a little competition?’

‘I’m just being realistic. In this economy I need to get

a degree in something that will guarantee me a job.

Something like law or business.’

‘Wow.’ Kit’s eyes bug.

I frown at him. ‘What?’

‘Did your father make you rehearse that speech?’ he

asks.

I can feel myself scowling. ‘Kit, I’m just being prac-

tical,’ I say. I sit up and start packing up the picnic

hamper. It’s getting late, we need to go. I start shoving the

container lids on, snapping them into place.

‘Screw that,’ Kit says, sitting up. ‘You need to do what

you’re passionate about, what you love. Life’s short,

Jessa. You only get one shot. Make it count.’

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Mila Gray

I glare at him. ‘And who’s going to pay for it? I can’t

afford college unless my parents pay my tuition. And

they won’t pay for me to go to USC. And they certainly

won’t pay for me to do an acting class. I couldn’t even

take it as a minor. I can’t take a loan either. How will I

ever pay it back on waitress tips? Because that’s what I’ll

end up doing − waitressing.’

Kit watches me zip up the picnic bag. He waits until I

finally look his way.

‘If you knew you couldn’t fail, would you do it then? If

you knew for sure that it would pay off?’

‘Yeah, of course,’ I say, standing up. ‘But that’s a stupid

question.’

He springs to his feet and snatches the bag out of

my hand. ‘Then you can’t let money stop you. You’re

basically saying you don’t believe in yourself enough to

try.’‘I don’t, I guess.’ I start walking, tears blurring my

eyes. Why are we even having this conversation? It feels

like he’s trying to pick a fight with me. And I don’t want

to fight. Kit steps in front of me, walking backwards,

blocking my path.

‘I believe in you,’ he says.

I roll my eyes so he can’t see I’m close to tears. ‘Can we

change the subject?’ I ask.

‘OK,’ he says, taking my hand and leading us back to

his truck. ‘For now.’

As we drive back to Oceanside, I think over what he’s

just said. Anger pumps through me. How can he expect

me to pursue acting just because it’s something I enjoy? It

would be crazy and stupid. He has no idea what he’s

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talking about. I like it that he believes in me, but he’s

blinded by bias.

I glance at him as he drives, the lights of oncoming

traffic strobing across his face. ‘What about you? Are you

doing what you love?’

He looks across at me before turning back to the road.

‘I was,’ he says.

‘And now?’ I ask in a whisper, because that’s all I can

manage.

‘Now, I have to leave you.’

He says it so matter-of-factly that it takes a while

for the full meaning of what he’s saying to sink in, and

when it does I feel as light as helium. ‘It’s always been

easy before,’ he says with a small shrug, his eyes back on

the road. ‘I’ve never had anyone waiting for me back

home.’

‘Who says I’m going to be waiting for you?’

He looks at me and I catch the trace of anxiety in his

face.

‘Just joking,’ I say quickly. ‘Of course I’m going to wait

for you.’

He shakes his head. ‘No. I don’t want you to.’

‘What?’ I ask, feeling as if I’ve just had lead injected

into my veins.

‘I mean . . . Fuck, Jessa. If you ask me do I want you to

be waiting for me the day I get off the plane? Yes. Do I

want to talk to you every night on the phone and know

that you’re my girl and that I’m coming home to you?

Yes. Am I going to be thinking of you every single

moment while I’m gone – yes. But it’s not fair on you

asking you to wait.’

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Mila Gray

His hands are tight on the steering wheel, his knuckles

white.

‘You shouldn’t have asked me to be your girlfriend

then,’ I say, trying to sound calm though on the inside I’m

anything but. ‘Because I’m not going to stop caring about

you or thinking about you or wanting you just because

you’re getting on a plane and we’re not going to see each

other for a while.’

Kit gives a soft, sad smile. ‘It’s a year, Jessa. You’re

going to college.’

‘So?’ I ask, anger now making my voice shake. What’s

he suggesting? That I’m incapable of staying faithful? ‘Jo

and Riley do it.’

‘Yeah,’ Kit answers. ‘And look how hard it is on her.

On them both.’

‘But they love each other,’ I say, hearing the pleading

note that’s crept into my voice. I look away as soon as I

say the words. Oh God. That came out wrong. I’m not

saying I’m in love with him. That’s not what I want him

to think. Or is it?

Kit lapses into silence. I cringe against the door. After a

moment he takes my hand across the seat and squeezes it

and I feel myself coming back to him. I know what he’s

doing. It’s not that he doesn’t want me. He’s trying to

protect me from hurt. He doesn’t see that not being with

him is going to hurt so much more.

‘I want to do this,’ I say, twisting in my seat so I’m

facing him. ‘It’s not like I’m going to date anyone else.

Who could ever come close?’

‘You say that now,’ he says with a mocking half-smile.

‘Yeah,’ I say, determined to get through to him some-

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how. ‘And I’ll say it in a year. You don’t get it, Kit. You’re

all I thought about for nine months when you were gone,

you’re all I’m going to think about for the next twelve

until you get back. I don’t want anyone else. I just want

you. That’s not going to change.’

He doesn’t speak for a minute, he just frowns at the

road, but gradually the frown fades and he shakes his

head, a half-smile breaking on his lips. He looks across at

me. ‘I don’t deserve you,’ he says.

I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. ‘Yes, yes you do.’

‘I want to make you dinner tomorrow night,’ Kit

suddenly says. ‘Can you come?’ He glances quickly at

me and I see the nervous way he swallows. My pulse

quickens instantly.

‘To yours?’ I ask.

‘Yes. My dad’s going to my sister’s to babysit. He’s

going to be gone all night.’

‘All night?’ I ask, feeling the fizz of excitement in my

stomach.

He nods. And I realize that maybe Kit was waiting to

see whether we really had a future beyond these four

weeks before he would allow himself to sleep with me.

Maybe he never planned to if we were going to break up.

As soon as the thought occurs to me I know it’s true. It

would be just like him. All I can think is thank God I

managed to convince him that we’re staying together.

‘Can you say you’re staying over at Didi’s?’ he asks as

he pulls over a block from my house. ‘I want you for the

whole night.’

I slide over towards him, slipping into his arms and

letting him kiss me. I think that’s answer enough.

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Kit

I open the door to Jessa already feeling nervous, but

when I see her standing there wearing a yellow sundress,

it feels like there’s a tornado ripping through my insides.

I’ve never been nervous before with a girl, and even

though we’ve had a few very X-rated sessions, tonight

feels different. I want it to be perfect.

She gives me a shy smile, looking up at me through her

lashes.

‘Come on in,’ I say, stepping aside to let her in. My

arms are shaking. Why are my arms shaking?

As soon as I shut the door I pull her against me and

kiss her, standing with my back against the door to steady

myself. For a moment, when she twines her fingers in my

hair and flattens her body against mine, I contemplate

just forgetting dinner altogether and carrying her straight

upstairs, but then I force myself to stop. One step at a

time.

I link my fingers through hers and pull her through

into the kitchen where pots are bubbling on the stove. She