Come Back to Me (34 page)

Chloe was fed up. She wished her heart would stop pounding every time there was a knock on the door or the phone rang. She felt pensive, uncomfortable. The day seemed somehow pivotal, and she wasn't sure why. After a weekend resting, she felt more alert, and was having to force herself into inaction. Her mother wasn't helping. She was mostly back to her twittering self and was beginning to get on Chloe's nerves with her constant fussing.

Her first surprise visitor of the day had been Jana. Chloe had felt uncomfortable being caught by her secretary makeup-free and wearing a grubby old tracksuit, but Jana hadn't shown any sign of noticing, and simply said she'd taken a long lunch hour to come and offer her support.

‘My sister almost miscarried,' Jana announced, ‘and the whole family was a wreck. I just wanted to encourage you to
rest and to let you know that she now has a healthy baby – a girl – and so will you.'

‘How can you be so sure?' Chloe asked quietly. ‘I feel I hardly dare move in case I dislodge the baby inside me.'

‘After what you've been through – if that baby wasn't determined to be born, it wouldn't be here now,' Jana said firmly.

It turned out that David's secretary had taken less than twenty-four hours to spread Chloe's problems around the office. Chloe had sunk back into the pillows once Jana had gone. How was she capable of scandalising the office on a regular basis when she thought of herself as a very uninteresting person? Still, it had been lovely of Jana to pop around, she thought. She should probably give her an easier ride at work; she realised that she'd unwittingly been treating the new secretary as suspiciously as she had Charlotte, whereas she had a feeling that Jana might make a very good confidante and ally.

Barely an hour had passed before there was another rap at the door. Chloe's heart began to thump as she heard Margaret pad down the hallway, but then sank as she heard Mikaela's horrified-sounding voice saying, ‘Auntie Margaret, I didn't realise you were here.'

‘I'm sure you didn't, Mikaela,' she heard her mother retort primly. ‘But come on in.'

Mikaela had appeared in the lounge doorway brandishing flowers. Chloe had told her about the baby scare via text, but she hadn't expected her cousin to make an unannounced visit.

‘How are you, Chlo?' she asked.

‘Getting there, thanks,' Chloe replied.

Margaret had come in behind her niece, and there was an awkward silence before Mikaela looked between them and said, ‘Look, I'm going to go. Sorry.'

‘Oh, sit down, Mikaela,' Margaret had replied, irritated, from behind her. ‘I'll go and get you a drink.'

Mikaela had sat obediently, and pulled a face at Chloe as they waited for Margaret to return. When she did, to the other women's surprise, she was carrying two large white wines on a tray as well as a water for Chloe.

Mikaela mutely took the wine, and Margaret sat down. Then Margaret looked intently at Mikaela, and Mikaela reddened. She was about to speak when Margaret said, ‘For god's sake, Mikaela, just phone your mother.'

Mikaela looked down. ‘I can't. She told me never to contact her again.'

‘Oh, don't be silly,' Margaret snapped. ‘She's always been a drama queen, your mother, you know that.' Chloe bit back the temptation to point out that it obviously ran in the family, as Margaret continued, ‘but she loves you, Mikaela, and she misses you.'

‘I'll only put my foot in it again,' Mikaela argued. ‘And pee them all off. Really, what's the point?'

‘Look –' Margaret put her wine down with some force so that liquid sloshed over the top of the glass and ran down the sides – ‘I can't bear it any longer. Where do you think you get it from, Mikaela? Your mother is no saint; nor am I, for that matter. I ran off to America when I was barely eighteen, and your mother was barred from St Michael's Church for life when she was still a schoolgirl, after she was caught doing
something obscene with one of her boyfriends in the church hall toilets. Our mother despaired of us, I can tell you.'

Both Mikaela's and Chloe's mouths had dropped open.

‘Honestly,' Margaret said, grabbing some tissue and wiping her glass, then picking it up and heading out of the room. ‘You lot imagine you are pioneers of being young and reckless. Well, think again.'

Chloe and Mikaela had watched Margaret leave, still dumbstruck. Then Mikaela turned to Chloe and wrinkled her brow. ‘That is one image of Mum that I really don't want to hold on to,' she said, then cracked one of her trademark grins.

Mikaela had stayed for what seemed like hours, a captive audience for Chloe's mother, who wittered away, filling her niece in on every tiny development in the extended family over the last few years, while Chloe closed her eyes, tried to tune out the relentless voice and pretended to doze, beginning to think of ways that she might get her mother to leave, now she seemed to be getting her strength back. She definitely appreciated her mother the most in small, albeit regular, doses.

However, there was one thing she really wanted to do for her, and sooner rather than later. As evening fell, she had begun working on a letter to her brother. It wasn't easy, but she wanted Anthony back in her life, and for him to understand their mother better too. She tried to explain everything as best she could, and, as she sealed the envelope, she hoped that was enough.

She smiled grimly as she thought of her closing line. ‘
And in a few months you'll have a new niece or nephew to meet
,'
she'd written, while thinking that Alex would soon be the last person in her life to know he was going to be a father; but, when all was said and done, he only had himself to blame for that.

Before Alex's lips even left hers, Amy knew he was saying goodbye. She pushed every ounce of herself into that kiss, wanting it to last forever, holding on to him, feeling the heat of him. Knowing it was for the final time.

Even though both their eyes were moist by the time they pulled away, Amy noticed that Alex's face had lost a little of the haunted look. He was making the right choice. And, really, they both knew it. It was time for each of them to move on.

But actually walking away was never going to be easy. They were stuck now, staring at one another, drinking in their last few moments together, knowing there was so much still to say; so much to be left unsaid.

‘Thank you,' was all Amy could manage.

Alex shook his head, his eyes still fixed on hers, unwavering. ‘There's no need.'

Amy shrugged; then they were back to standing in excruciating silence. Before long she couldn't bear it.

‘Make it quick, if you're going,' she said, trying to smile.

Alex nodded. He didn't seem able to speak.

‘Go on,' Amy persisted, the smile pinned to her face, betrayed by her eyes.

‘I still want to help,' he said finally, his voice choked with emotion. ‘There will be another court case now, and you might decide you want to … you still need support …' His voice trailed off.

Amy knew what he was referring to. In the darkness of the plane, he had asked her whether she would go looking for her little girl, and she had told him that at some point she probably would.

‘Al,' she put a hand on his arm, ‘you can't be all things to all people. Besides, I think that's something I need to do on my own.'

He looked momentarily hurt at this, but nodded, went back to his chair, picked up his bag, and slung it over his shoulder. Then he came across to her again, and brushed his palm against her cheek, their eyes drinking one another in.

‘You'll be okay?' he asked in the same wracked voice.

‘I will.'

‘I think you will, too,' he agreed, nodding, looking at her with such intensity that she had trouble holding his gaze.

He began to walk backwards a few steps, still watching her. She held her breath as she registered his every movement, praying for him either to come back or turn around. His last look was so passionate and lingering that she wondered if he
were about to change his mind, but then he turned quickly and almost jogged away.

She sat down and stared at Alex's half-drunk cup of coffee, the only sign now that he had been there. She had thought she would collapse at this point. But she didn't. Her body felt surprisingly light.

She picked up her own bag, turned away from the table, and set off in the opposite direction.

She knew exactly where she was going next.

As soon as Alex was away from the airport concourse, he took out his mobile phone and speed-dialled the familiar number. He was relieved when the call was answered, but that quickly turned to alarm when he registered the voice that had just said hello.

‘Margaret?' he began, his concern increasing by the second, knowing that her visits to the south were extremely rare. ‘What are you doing there? Where's Chloe?'

‘Chloe hasn't been well,' she replied curtly. ‘I've been looking after her.'

‘Well … thank you,' Alex said, embarrassed. ‘What's happened? Is she okay?'

‘What do you think has happened, Alex?' Margaret answered, then continued snootily, ‘Do you want something?'

There was no point, Alex thought, in letting his hackles rise at her tone, for her anger was completely justified. She
had been looking after Chloe when that was his job.

‘Can you tell Chloe I called? Please ask her to call me on my mobile.'

‘Okay,' she said, as if she were going to hang up, before he cut in.

‘Margaret, please tell her … tell her I love her.'

‘I'll pass the message on, Alex,' she replied neutrally, and then the line went dead.

 

After checking into a hotel, Alex spent two days trying to steer around Margaret before Chloe came on the phone, and it was another twenty-four hours before she agreed to see him. In one way he found it agony, having her so close and yet being so far apart, but it was also a relief to be able to focus all his energy on putting this right. Why, at the start of all this, had he shut out the person who had brought him back to life; who, since they'd met, he had never doubted was the future he wanted?

They arranged to meet at a café not too far from home, but far enough that they were unlikely to bump into their neighbours. Alex was there three-quarters of an hour early, and soon realised that it was a mistake to sit and wait for so long, as his nervousness quadrupled every minute that went by.

Then Chloe arrived. She looked thin, and tired, and beautiful. They stared at each other, Alex trying to transmit all his apologies and love to her; while she looked like she wasn't sure whether to leave or sit down.

When she finally pulled out a chair, she said in a monotone, ‘So, you're back.'

His heart sank. Her voice had no relief in it; the tone was more like resignation.

He nodded. ‘It's over.'

She picked up a menu. ‘Great,' she said as she looked at the food on offer, nonplussed.

He took a deep breath. Although he'd had a wild daydream that she might fall into his arms, he was sadly aware that this cold reception was no more than he deserved.

‘Have you been ill?' he asked.

‘Just a bit under the weather,' she replied, waving her hand as though to dismiss his concern, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.

‘Chloe,' he said, touching her arm to try to get her to look at him. ‘I'm so sorry about everything I've put you through. I really am.'

Her eyes locked with his, and they were angry. ‘It's too late, Alex. You should have explained yourself from the start – if not years ago.'

Upon hearing her say those three little words –
it's too late
– he felt more wretched than he ever had in his life. He bowed his head and quickly wiped his eyes.

‘So why didn't you tell me any of this at the beginning?' she asked, her voice softening slightly.

‘I should have. But one of the biggest regrets of my life is that I abandoned Amy when she needed me most. I was too ashamed to tell you. And when she turned up, I felt she needed me again; and that this time I owed it to her to put things right. And it meant a lot to me, too, to see those men get caught. I thought I'd laid it to rest, but once Amy came back and we found out about the trial, it was like it had
never gone away. I needed to see them convicted almost as much as Amy did, I think.'

‘But I'm your wife, Alex. I needed you too.'

‘Yes. I'm sorry.'

‘You know one of the things that hurts the most?' Chloe said. ‘What makes you think that if you'd told me everything to begin with, I wouldn't have understood? Why did you think that the only way through this was shutting me out, treating me like I was invisible, as though I couldn't help you at all?'

He was dumbstruck. She was right. And he was just beginning to understand how big a fool he had been.

‘… Unless you still love her?' she finished, still watching him closely. ‘And this trip, for you, has been about making a choice?'

He paused. The moment was pivotal, he knew; the answer critical. How could he be sure of getting it right?

He couldn't, he realised. So he went for honesty, fervently hoping that this would fill rather than deepen the rift between them. He started from the beginning, explaining everything to her: the events that had taken place; the choices he had made; and the reasons behind them.

Chloe listened to it all, nodding now and again, emotions passing over her face like heavy clouds, intermittently closing down her features before they opened again a little as Alex continued.

She took her time when he had finished, letting everything he'd told her sink in.

‘Was I ever a replacement?' she asked finally.

‘Never.' He looked into her eyes, unflinching as she held his gaze.

‘When we met … at the station … you thought I was her …'

‘Yes,' he agreed. ‘I thought you were Amy at first. Until you lifted your head. And then I saw
you
. And, Chloe, I haven't stopped seeing you since, not for a second. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Amy was my first love. She and I were caught up in a disaster; and it didn't work out for us. But
you
are the love of my life.
You
are my future. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you right at the beginning what was going on. It was selfish – I was worried that if I told you what happened back then, the mistakes I made, then you would see me differently, and I would see myself differently too – and I love our life, I love
us
.'

‘This is … a lot to take in …' Chloe said eventually. ‘But I'm sorry about what happened back then – to both of you – I just wish you hadn't shut me out.'

‘I'm hoping you can forgive me for that,' he told her, ‘and giving you a promise, here and now, that it won't ever happen again.'

Chloe nodded. Smiled at him for a moment, then seemed to think better of it. But still, there was a light in her eyes, a fire and energy that Alex wasn't sure he had seen before. Just having her in front of him and not being able to hold her was torture.

‘It's going to take time, Alex,' she said eventually. ‘If we're going to try to get back to normal. We need to take it slowly and see what happens.'

‘Okay,' he agreed. His whole focus from now on would be to spend every minute of every day putting this right. He
was going to try to make Chloe happier than she had dared dream she could be. ‘Where do you want to start?'

She looked at him as if coming to a decision, then took a deep breath and said, ‘Right here, I think.' To his surprise, she took his hand and pulled it forward, placing it over her stomach. She looked at him intently, conveying a knowledge that made his skin prickle as he realised there had been far more going on back home than he had ever imagined.

‘Alex, I have something to tell you,' she began, and, in astonishment, he watched her lips moving, before there was a quick, shy flash of that lovely smile of hers, in answer to his own.