Come Back (27 page)

Oct/81
Great Expectations
“Mrs. Joe is a very clean house …

June/82 W. L. Morton cliché “The American Fathers …”

Nov 11/82 Went to see
Mephisto
, all sound seems dubbed …

“
Tess
  Feb 15/83 - moving and complex tragedy of one of the most delightful and loveable heroines in all literature …

Powerful music: Gregorio Allegri’s
Miserere
 …”

Jan 1, 1977

Dear Mom + Dad,

If you ever read this its because

I never woke up this morning and because

I never wanted to. It’s not your fault, you

guys were great giving me all that stuff,

“material goods.” But in my case, I’m in

love with a girl I’ll never get too meet, just

read about. She means everything to me

but I’ll never get to touch her, kiss her,

talk to her. And also because my life is a

total waste, you guys have a right

to get mad at me like you do so this way I’ll end

all my problems, my very large problems.

Don’t let Dennis turn out like me, he’s

really a great kid, and Miriam’s wonderful too.

She goes good with life, I don’t.

So good by, hopefully … maybe some

day we’ll meet in heaven … some of us.

Love, Gabriel Wiens

Jan 3, 1977

Dear Mom + Dad,

You guys call me a brat and

yet don’t even know what I’m going through.

And I’ll never talk to you about it because

I can’t. I just wish I could talk to her. Right

now the only person I can talk too is god but

he does not seem to be listening or he just does

not care, he can be anything / too me he’s deaf

Love Gabe

“We want to touch, and a culture that has placed a ‘taboo on tenderness’ leaves us stroking our dogs and cats … we are starved for the laying on of hands.”

Interesting to note the types of movies I have seen in the recent past. One type I have obviously pursued is the little girl film,
Cat People
, then
Christiane F
. and lastly
Beau Pere
. They all have blatant, exploitative parts, however there is much more that I like, not just the child-woman parts, it’s the dream-like quality, the
camera moves in a dreamy-drugged atmosphere, so lyrical, beautiful

Lunch at church. Sat beside joking Grant, Ailsa off at the kid’s table (Denn, Colin, Joanne etc), sad eyes that don’t meet mine when I dare glance …

How can one go from complete happiness to complete despair in less than 8 hours. Perhaps because neither moment is “complete”—at church I saw A watch Mir put her purse around my neck, then hand me her books so she (Mir) could put her coat on. I held the books like girls do, folded tight against my chest. A was watching me and laughed; I was putting on a show for her, the closest I can get—One should not have any great expectations about life—esp. possible romantic love. Perhaps I am just reveling in my despair; it is something I love and hate at the same time.

If you are reading this, which no one but myself should be, forgive me. We are all just human and even my confessions are not all that true. Can anyone be objective when feelings are so

The joy I had at Aspen Creek at Christmas and New Year’s did not last … The only thing that lasts is the long sleep. I weep

If this book just sits and no one knows it exists, it does not matter what I’ve written

World Universiade, Gymnastics, here at UofA. Nadia C. was back in Canada, so close I could have walked up and spoken to her! She’s coach of the Romanian team, sitting there on their bench. She looked exactly the same. I felt rather indifferent, considering that during Montreal Olympics 1976 I developed an enormous crush, in fact it was the first one to overtake me. Despite her, this time gymnastics was humdrum, until I discovered a CCCP, #169, Elena Veselova. The smallest Soviet, always off by herself, alone, always looking sad. Took pictures, close with zoom. To do all that her perfect body must feel hard as   just a little girl chewing her fingernails

I’ve been looking at pictures of myself from grade 3 or 4, I’ve noticed that I am a cute little kid. For a few years then, just after the crew cut, just before the awkward adolescent years I looked really cute. Then I noticed I had the same kinds of feelings towards this “Gabriel” that I have towards young girls. I think if I had met me when I was that age I would have liked myself.

However he is me. Can it be that these girls are just extensions of myself (ie. my love for myself), or rather a love for the forever unattainable/changeable of what once was … what really makes up a person’s soul … what?

Looking at this notebook I get the impression that I am not getting anywhere. In my next book—I should just stop with this one, start again, clean—in my next notebook I should write more openly … get into a routine of writing, 15 minutes every day is certainly enough to tell what little I have to say

It is a quarter after 2 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I’m ridiculous, the silly desires that occupy my mind are such trivial stuff. I know from years past all things will pass, even slender little A (my feeling for) will go. I wish I could arrive someplace really real but looking at my past, I will never get anywhere, can’t run anywhere   what to do   I can’t even have the patience to write down my   too bad for the reader

Gabriel: no more. I need sleep, tomorrow Owl will pull me even farther into the forest ravines towards the University, I’ll be limping by then, the High Level Bridge, the unending river—and here’s a folded letter.

The one from Kathleen, October 29, 1985. Impossible to forget … impossible.

Bob told me that one of your kids had died + I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you. It’s always hard to deal with the death of someone close, and suicide is a form of death that leaves a lot of guilt behind. People that I know have died that way, although never close friends, and one always wonders what could have been changed or done differently. I don’t know if my brother ever told you—he wouldn’t—but I tried to kill myself when I was 24, and I’ve been suicidal since then once, this past year. My experience is that it’s a very internalized kind of solution to what seems like an unbreakable continuum. In my case a lot of my feelings had to do with anger and power, but by the time I was actually planning what I was going to do, I was so far inside my self that I really don’t think anything or anyone outside me would have made much difference. The second time, this year (it seems decades ago), I recognized what was going on + I could take steps to deal with it, but I wouldn’t have had that recognition without the first experience. What I think I’m trying to say is that once that solution
becomes attractive, it’s hard to get out from under it, even if you love your family + your friends, and your son may have just not had the experience to handle it, to resist the attraction. My brother felt that to choose your country place could have been an expression of anger towards you, but I don’t think so. I think it was a choice of security and reassurance, for support in the face of a major unknown, an experience that was still really frightening even once chosen and fixated on.

Oh, grief and regret are a hard, slow process always. Please take care of yourselves, and take heart: don’t lose that wonderful warmth I felt in your home the one time I was there. This is an awkward letter, because I don’t really know you well, and tragedy is so difficult to approach in our culture. And mourning. All people can say is time will help you get over it—please, I’m not trying to say that!—but please accept my best wishes, my hope for good in the future.

—Kathleen

Aspen: creek, running into North Sask. River west of Edm;

a translation of the Cree name for the tree, wapus ahtik: whiteskin (Tyrrell)

New Year’s eve/day party at cabin: A has grown. Changed. She is no longer the silent little girl tagging after D & C, the child who will not sing after one false start. At the cabin she stated frankly, catching my eye for a second in the crowd, ‘Why not, be different!’ Yes, she is. We all change. Even memories

one generation passes away and another generation comes

but the earth abides forever

it is 12:30 in the morning, waste time reading my notes over the years till my laundry is finished in spin cycle. My feelings go back a long way … not very coherent … my feelings so often dictate what little I do. I want to have reason before passion as my motto, and yet how can I help it, I see her lovely face and I’m gone     awww Laundry rough spin in the middle of the empty night.

Whom then will you cry to, heart?

     Your path more and more lonely

dragging on toward the future,

     toward what is already lost

I’ve had one beer too many. Denn and parents are touring Europe beyond The Wall and I sit alone in our family house. It’s not that it’s so bad; just I want to be happy, but for some reason I can’t. Anything that happens I feel as loss. My sole success is nothing. Digging my own hole. If only I could cover myself up …

Then, as a ghostly shadow, haunt that 50s house I know like the inside of my hand, into the entrance, up the stairs and into the doorless kitchen with all the cupboard plates and cups exposed into the living room I see out as they see in into the bedroom where I set up the bed frame and turn each bolt tight with a wrench, there is a cut in the headboard and I point at it with my screwdriver and she nods, This is the bed I’ve slept in
all my life, and I carry the floppy mattress in past the dresser with the Garfield bank and brushes and everything already neatly arranged on it, such a lovely thing to struggle with and lay it down for her into the base of the bed beside the chair which holds the person holding the MJ poster, the person whose slender body will lie asleep on this mattress I lay down for many more …

What can you do with beauty. You can look it in the eye. What can you do in the void.         what does it matter what moves me here, there, anywhere. I can’t even say something, clumsy writer that I am. What is there to say, leave alone write. Well, I guess that’s it then       Period.