Come Alive (24 page)

“It’s okay,” I hear. “You’re safe
now. I’m here, and nothing can touch you.” I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally,
I am safe in his arms. David strokes my hair and tells me it’s okay to cry. My
chin quivers.
My eyes water.
It was just so sad.
So profoundly sad.
My grief was bottomless, but it’s over
now.

I
opened my eyes to the same blackness of my dream. Everything was still at that
lifeless hour. The shadow from my dream was there with me, because it was part
of me. Underneath my head, the pillow was a cloud; beside me, Gretchen was
warm. But it felt like the end. And that night, a piece of me died.

CHAPTER
24

THUNDER
SOUNDED SUDDENLY, ripping me from my trance. Looking around the bedroom, I saw
our life together – a framed wedding photo on the bookshelf, Bill’s dirty
socks just inches from the hamper, a coffee table book about the Chicago Bulls
I’d given him for our first anniversary.

I
didn’t know when the sun had set, or how long I’d been standing in the doorway.
The day had been a haze of crying and vomiting and fits of broken sleep. After
calling
Beman
to say I was sick, Gretchen had
insisted on staying with me. I’d sent her away. I’d caused enough hurt to
everyone already, and I’d needed to be alone with my thoughts – to live
alone through the mess I’d made.

The
skies were dark grey, and a light fog infiltrated the city. Clouds weighty with
rain crept languorously across the sky, settling overhead like an old man in
his favorite chair. My mood was as heavy as the threatening storm, and I let
the gloom wrap itself around me like a cloak. The air was thick, and the rain
started abruptly and severely, suggesting a violent tempest.

The
faintest glow came through the
window
as the day
ended, casting darkness everywhere it didn’t touch. The light switch flipped
with an empty thud. I felt my way to the hallway closet, where we kept candles
for the times when the electricity cut out. I lit each one in the bedroom along
with the decorative ones that were already out. Little tea candles glowed, and
the room filled with scents of cinnamon and vanilla.

I
sat alone in the silence, on the edge of my plush white comforter, unsure of
what to do with myself. Everything was eerily still, and all I heard was the
increasing violence of the falling rain. Lightning lit up the room. As when I
was a child, I counted – one
one-thousand
, two
one-thousand, three one-thousand – until I heard thunder cackle somewhere
in the distance. I thought of David and our last words to each other.

There
came a slow but deliberate rap against the apartment door –
knock, knock,
knock
.
I passed the bedroom mirror. By habit, I glanced at my reflection. I could only
see the faint glow of my pale skin against Bill’s navy crewneck sweater. It
hung from my shoulders down to my mid-thighs and over ratty jeans. My hand went
instinctively to the hair knotted at the top of my head, and I tucked some
renegade pieces behind my ear. I was thankful that it was likely only Gretchen,
back to check on me.

I
put my cheek to the door. “Who is it?”

“Open
the door, Olivia.”
David
.

The
wood burned against my cheek, and I suddenly felt hot in Bill’s sweater. Life
seeped out of my muscles, leaving them fatigued. I didn’t say anything, but
fitted myself against the door.

“Olivia.”

“What
are you doing here?” I asked so softly that I doubted he had even heard. “What
are you
thinking
?”

“Do
you want me to tell the whole hallway why I’m here?” he countered in a voice
equally as low. I unlatched the door and looked at him with hard eyes. He
pushed his way in, slamming the door behind him. He followed me into the
bedroom where the lighting was slightly more affable than the dank kitchen.

“What
are you doing here?” I demanded. “You can’t come here. Ever.” I knew by the
look on his face that he heard the wavering in my voice. Sweat trickled down my
stomach, and my jeans stuck to my legs, stifling me. I slid a window open and
turned to face him.

He
surprised me with his next words. “I didn’t want to come. I meant what I said
in my office, and I’m furious that you didn’t give me the chance to explain. I
deserved that chance.”

I
widened my eyes at him. “
You’re
furious?
How dare you?”

He
held up his hand. “Do not interrupt me.”

I
recoiled as though he’d slapped me, and my nostrils flared.

“Gretchen
called me,” he deadpanned.

My
jaw dropped. “She what?”

“She
told me that Bill’s out of town and that I should come immediately.”

That
was when I noticed the dark scruff on his face.
His wild black
hair, damp from the rain and his hooded chestnut eyes that glowed in the
candlelight.
His impeccable posture remained, but he was a different
man, his composure cracked.

“Why
did you come?” I pleaded. “You promised you wouldn’t chase me.” My chin
trembled. “You’re making this too hard. You can’t
be
here in my
husband’s
home.”

“And
where
is
your husband? Where is he ever?”
he asked angrily. He grasped my chin between two fingers, inspecting my tear-streaked
face until I jerked away. “How could he leave you like this?”

Though
his eyes were tired, there was determination there. I crossed my arms into my
body, depressed my welling chest and braced myself for the conversation I
thought would never happen. “You lied to me,” I said. “And you hurt me that
night at the ball.”

“I
know that I hurt you, and I’ve spent weeks regretting that night. But the idea
of him touching you – holding you, dancing with you, when it should have
been me . . . The hardest part was that you looked so goddamn happy. It ripped
my heart out.”

“You
made me feel like trash.”

“I
lost control,” he uttered, swallowing audibly. “I saw red, and I should have
left the party immediately. I never meant to make you feel that way.” His
bearing was stiff, almost cold, but he flinched when he said, “For that, I’m
sorry.”

“None
of this matters, David. Just say what you have to say, and get out.”

He
scrubbed his face a moment and sighed. His jaw worked from side to side.
“There’s no excuse for buying the house. But here’s the truth. Everything. I
don’t care anymore if you’re ready to hear it. But you have to know that this
is the truth, because I’m not going to repeat myself.”

I
didn’t respond, but crossed my arms tighter.

“When
you told me that Bill had made an offer, I panicked. I’d never been as scared
as I was in that moment. I could not – would not – let him buy that
house. I instructed my realtor to make the owners an offer they couldn’t
refuse.”

I
closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. “Because of a measly profit? I thought
you were – ”

“Because
I wanted it to be me.”

I
blinked my eyes open.

“Because
I
wanted to be the one buying you
your dream home and fixing it up for you. I wanted
us
to be the ones to grow old in it.”

The
memory of David in the house flooded over me, and I gripped the ends of my
sleeves. It was so real; I had seen him there.
Did he see us there too?

He
looked so painfully beautiful in the candlelight. His shadowed face was raw
with emotion, and I wanted to pull him to me. I had spent months fantasizing
about pulling him to me and never letting him go. “That’s what you want?” I
asked. “That home?”

“I
want it with you. Only you. Because we belong there.”

I
inhaled deeply, absorbing the meaning of his gesture.
A
future – with me.
He’d had enough faith in our connection that
he’d bought a
house,
even knowing it might drive me
away. And I – oh,
I could see it
.
I wanted those things too. It was a future that sounded right, that didn’t
scare me. But none of that changed the facts. It didn’t change the past or the present.

Silence
crept into the space between us, save the pounding of the rain outside. Flames
danced in the wind. He stepped towards me slowly, as if testing the water.

“No,”
I said firmly and held up my hands. My voice broke. “You have to go.”

“I
love you.”

I
gaped at him.
Love?
When had love
come into this? But hadn’t I known it all along? And didn’t I love him too?

But
I shook my head. “No, David, no. I can’t . . .
We
can’t.” I felt the threat of fresh tears. “You don’t love me.”

“
I love you
.” He stepped closer and
pulled me into his arms, but I pushed against his chest violently.

“No,”
I said loudly, and he took a step back.

“I
loved you from the start, don’t you know that? I never stood a chance.”

Lightning
illuminated his face, and an unsteady future flashed before my eyes. The low,
deep growl of thunder rumbled directly above us before cracking like a lion
tamer’s whip. I burned, like my vanilla candle, and yearned, my fingertips
tingling with impatience to feel him.

Instead,
I looked down. The carpet sprouted between my toes, and I wished I could crawl
into the floor to hide in its welcoming softness. Because I knew what would
happen next. I felt like crying, like running into the rain and letting it
merge with my tears. The pendulum of emotion inside me swung high and fierce.

When
I looked back at him, he basked in the soft yellow glow. My pulse quickened in
seconds. He didn’t even need to touch me.

He
fell to his knees in front of me, pulled up my sweater and kissed the skin
underneath. Slowly, he unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down before running
his hands over my legs.

His
lips explored me, kissing the backs of my sweat-dampened knees, the insides of
my thighs, then
my
pubic bone through my panties. My
legs trembled as I stepped out of my pants, away from him. He cast them aside
and pulled me forward by my sweater. He rocked back off his knees and leaned
forward to put his mouth on my parted lips but stopped inches away. He remained
there as though he were sucking my spirit out through my mouth, and not only my
spirit
but
my
heart
, which beat faster and faster because
I’m afraid, David, so afraid
.

His
body heat radiated and mingled with mine; I wondered when he had removed our
clothing. Despite my nakedness, I was flushed. My eyes searched his face. I
almost couldn’t decipher the words when he breathed, “I love you.”

I
shook my head, blinking back tears. One escaped and drifted down the side of my
cheek, over my cheekbones, falling to our feet. “No,” I said. “This is something
more.”

I
threw my arms around his neck, and he devoured me in an urgent kiss. Our
shaking bodies absorbed one another. His hands ran along the sides of my breasts
and then down to encircle my waist, clutching me against the hard body I’d come
to love. Every touch was real, every touch sent chills over my skin.

We
fell back into the carpet that had promised refuge only moments before. My legs
opened for him, and he ground his pelvis against me.

I
raked my hands through his hair, and he dropped his weight on me. I thrust my
hips up and gasped as he drove all the way into me. His cheek scraped against
my neck as he kissed it. I clenched him between my legs, and he released a
shuddering cry against my skin. His pace hurried, and he plowed me with such
power that our bodies dripped with sweat.

He
slid into me over and over, slowly then quickly, making sure that I felt every
inch of him. I inhaled sharply with each change of pace.

“You’re
so fucking sexy,” he rumbled at me. “And so tight.”

My
hips eagerly met the force of each delicious plunge. “I’m
gonna
make you come harder than you ever have,” I rasped.

He
growled as thunder vibrated the room and bucked harder,
deeper
. “Oh, Olivia,” he groaned as sweat trickled from his body
onto mine. I craned my neck to watch as I swallowed up the thick base of his
cock. My arousal amplified just watching his abs flex with each drive.

As
I approached the edge, I grasped for something to hold on to but there was only
him. My surroundings were speckled with white flashes as my body responded,
constricting around him and trembling under his hulking body.

“You
feel too good,” he uttered hoarsely. “I’m never letting you go, you feel so fucking
amazing.”

“Come
for me, baby.” I grasped urgently at his hair and pulled him down to me. “I
need you, David,” I begged into his mouth. “All of you.”

“No,”
he hissed. “Not . . . until – ”

“I’m
yours,” I cried. “I’m yours, David, I’m yours,
I’m
yours.”

“Olivia,”
he moaned. His muscles tensed and released, his body convulsed and he finished
me off with unwavering focus. I gasped and arched from the floor as my nerves
shattered into a million divine pieces. I writhed into his punishing final
thrust, and with a primal roar, he erupted inside me.

He
collapsed, pinning me to the floor with his solid, sweaty body. Heat radiated
from us, engulfed us. My hands touched his shoulders, his neck and his face,
pushing the matted hair from his forehead. He drew back and ensnared me in a
desperate kiss. He pulled on my knotted hair to fall breathlessly into the
curve of my neck. In that moment, nothing mattered more to me than the feeling
of him, real and secure on top of me.