Colters' Woman (33 page)

Ryan slipped his fingers through her hair and bent to kiss her forehead. “That’s pretty much how I feel.”

Throwing caution to the wind, she broached the subject she’d been avoiding for an entire week.

“Do you…do you guys ever think about having another baby?”

Ryan stiffened. Ethan’s hand stilled on her leg and Adam frowned as he stared at her.

“We’ve already discussed this, baby. The boys are enough. More than enough. No matter how many children we’d like to have had, it’s simply not worth the risk to your health.”

A pained expression crossed Ethan’s face. “I don’t ever want to see you go through what you went through with Dillon.”

Ryan didn’t say anything at all.

“But do you ever think about it?” she persisted. “I mean if you had a choice, if there were no considerations other than just the decision to have more children, would you want them?”

“It’s ridiculous to play the what-if game,” Adam said. “There
are
considerations, mainly the risk to you, so as far as I’m concerned, the subject is closed.”

Holly blinked in surprise. His reaction angered her, even though her response wasn’t fair. She was asking stupid questions in light of the fact that she was already pregnant, and to open the door on this kind of discussion was just…silly.

But at the same time, she didn’t like how he seemed to render judgment and expect the rest of them to go along with it. Didn’t what Ethan and Ryan thought count? Didn’t what
she
thought count?

She understood that Adam was concerned. She got that her last pregnancy scared the hell out of him. But it wasn’t fair to force his fears on the rest of them.

She opened and closed her mouth. It wasn’t worth arguing over, particularly when the outcome was already decided. The hypothetical wasn’t hypothetical anymore, and now she just had to deal with the reality—and their reactions when they knew the truth.

She felt Ethan’s probing gaze, knew he was studying her intently, but she didn’t look over because she didn’t want him to see her hurt.

“Baby, what’s going on with you?” Adam asked softly.

Concern was etched into his forehead. She shook her head and forced herself to smile. The last thing she wanted was to start an argument and make them feel bad. “Just think about it every once in a while.”

Ryan pulled her up until he could look her in the face. “Listen to me, Holly. You gave us three wonderful children. We couldn’t ask for more. Our family is complete. It’s perfect as is. We’d never risk you to have another child.”

The ache in her chest grew. They
weren’t
complete. She didn’t even have words to explain the undeniable knowledge that they were meant to welcome another child into their family. She’d known it for years, had experienced a sadness that never really went away at the idea that she would have no more children. There was one. One more. She’d always known it, even as she took precautions to prevent pregnancy.

But their child had found a way.

She couldn’t keep this from them. She was nervous. She knew they probably wouldn’t take it well at first, but she’d never kept anything from them and she didn’t want to start now. For the first few days, she’d hugged the secret to her, delighting in the miracle of her pregnancy. She hadn’t believed it. She’d taken three tests and then she’d laughed and cried as they all showed the same result.

Ryan’s brow crinkled, and he looked at her with real concern. “Holly? What’s wrong?”

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered.

Chapter Three

She’d expected surprise. Shock. Dropping it on them that way hadn’t been the way she wanted to do it at all. She’d hoped to soften them up, get them thinking about the joys of a new baby, and then she’d surprise them with the news.

What she hadn’t expected was the horror that crossed Ryan’s face. Or Adam’s sharp expletive. Or Ethan’s dumfounded look.

But worse was the suspicion she saw when she turned to look at Adam.

“Did you plan this?” Adam asked hoarsely.

Her mouth fell open and she flinched. That hurt. She could deal with shock and even dismay. She understood this was a huge bomb she’d dropped. But to think she’d purposely gotten pregnant without talking to them?

She looked to Ethan and Ryan, but neither gave her any sign that they didn’t give Adam’s statement any credence. She pushed away from Ryan, stumbling as she backed from the couch.

“Damn it, Holly,” Ryan said as he reached for her.

She shook her head and put her hand out to ward him off. When Adam put his palm over her shoulder, she jerked away and took several steps back so they were all in her view.

“How could you even ask something like that?” she demanded. “Do you honestly think I’d so something so underhanded when I knew how you felt about me being pregnant again? Damn it, I’ve been sick with worry over how you’d react, but
not
because I have a guilty conscience.”

“Holly,” Ethan said in a soft voice.

She thrust out her hand and shook her head, not wanting to hear any platitudes at the moment. She glared at them all, upset and furious but also hurt and confused.

“If you were so damned worried over my getting pregnant again then you should have gone and gotten snipped. It’s a hell of a lot easier for a man to have a permanent procedure than it is for a woman,” she snapped.

Adam dragged a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. “Holly, you can’t expect to drop this on us like this and have us react well. You never said anything about us getting vasectomies.”

“Why should I have to bring it up? If you were so damned concerned about me getting pregnant, you’d think you would have come up with that one on your own. Then I could hardly hatch this plan behind your back to get knocked up and present you with a
fait
accompli
.”

Ryan blew out his breath. “Goddamn it, Holly.”

“Just don’t,” she said in a broken voice. She backed away, hands outstretched as she spoke. “Just leave it for now. Don’t say anything else. This wasn’t the way I wanted to tell you. If we say anything more, it’s just going to dissolve into a bitter fight, and I won’t let anything ruin this for me. I’m happy about this baby.” She put her hand on her belly as tears swam in her vision. “I’m
happy
.”

She turned and hurried down the hall. She stopped and clenched her fists in frustration. Finally she eased into the boys’ room because she couldn’t bear the idea of sleeping in one of the other bedrooms, and the pissed-off part of her knew the guys wouldn’t venture into the children’s room and risk waking them up.

Despite her upset, her heart swelled and her frown eased as she looked on her sleeping babies. They were so beautiful and perfect. She leaned down to brush a kiss across each of their brows before retreating to the rocking chair she’d had since Seth was born.

The wood creaked as she settled into the old friend. Many a night she’d rocked her sons as she nursed. She closed her eyes and folded her hands over her belly.

“They don’t mean it, baby,” she whispered. “They’re upset and afraid, but they don’t mean it. They’ll love you just as much as I do because they can’t do anything else. As soon as the shock wears off, they’ll be so happy to meet you.”

Knowing she spoke the truth didn’t take the edge off her hurt. In the heat of the moment, lots of things could be said that weren’t meant, but the idea that even for a moment they thought she would deceive them and manipulate them this way hurt her to her soul.

***

“Goddamn it. Goddamn it, Adam. What the fuck were you thinking?” Ethan demanded.

Adam closed his eyes. “I wasn’t thinking, okay? I was too busy picking my jaw up off the floor.”

“Don’t rake Adam over the coals for what you thought for a fleeting moment yourself,” Ryan said. “We all fucked this up royally. It was a kneejerk reaction. A stupid, wrong goddamn reaction.”

Ethan rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Pregnant. It explains a lot. She’s been different lately. She’s always been super sensitive when she’s pregnant. I knew something was off with her, but I thought she was taking Dillon starting school hard.”

“What the hell are we going to do?” Adam asked in a weary voice. “I didn’t want her to ever have to go through another pregnancy like Dillon’s. I’m not sure she’s strong enough. Things are different now. The boys are at the age where they’re into everything and they already exhaust her on a good day, much less when she’s pregnant.”

“It’s pointless to talk about
if
,” Ethan said. “It’s no longer a what-if situation. We can say all we want about what we would have or wouldn’t have wanted, but she’s pregnant. Now we have to deal with that.”

Adam closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “She’s right. We made this big deal about not wanting her to get pregnant again, but we never took steps to ensure it wouldn’t happen. We delivered the dictate from on high but then we expected her to take care of it. That’s not exactly stepping up.”

“Well hell, Adam,” Ryan muttered. “Who the fuck wants to volunteer to get their balls cut?”

Ethan and Adam both winced in agreement.

“This sucks,” Ethan said after a long period of silence. “We’ve let her down, and now she’s upset when it’s obvious her pregnancy is something she’s very happy about.”

“She’s always wanted another child,” Ryan said quietly. “We pretty much told her no and never considered her feelings on the subject.”

“She almost
died
,” Adam bit out. “I can’t lose her. I can’t let her take that kind of risk.”

Ethan blew out a deep breath. “It’s too late, Adam. It’s not about what we let her or want her to do. She’s pregnant. We have another child on the way. All we can do is take the best care of her we can and make damn sure she takes it easy.”

Ryan’s face lit up with a goofy smile. He sank back onto the edge of the couch and ran both hands over his ears to the back of his neck.

“Another baby,” he said in wonder. Then his smile got even bigger. He looked up at his brothers, his eyes bright with joy “She’s
pregnant
.”

“I want to be happy,” Adam said hoarsely. “I want to, God, but I’m scared to death. Our family depends on her. We have three boys who need their mother. Wanting another child when the risk is so high seems selfish.”

Ethan sobered. “Yeah, I get it. But Adam, you don’t know that the same thing will happen again. A doctor never told us she shouldn’t get pregnant again. You took what happened and set it in your mind that you never wanted to go through that again, and it became fact. We’ll take her to the doctor and get an expert opinion. Then whatever we need to do to make sure she has the best possible pregnancy and delivery, we’ll do.”

***

Ethan slipped into the boys’ room a couple of hours later. He hadn’t been able to sleep, and he knew that this was Holly’s place to retreat when she was upset or needed her space.

She’d once said that this room with her children reminded her of everything she was most grateful for and it was hard to remain upset when she looked at her boys.

He hoped that was the case, because he and his brothers had stepped in it big-time.

His heart softened when he saw her leaned over in the rocking chair fast asleep. She didn’t look at all comfortable, but clutched in her hand was a baby blanket. Soft, worn and faded. It was Seth’s blanket, the one that Adam had wrapped him in just after he was born.

Holly had kept it all this time. It was a special reminder to her of that first birth, surrounded by home and the men who loved her.

As much as the brothers had drawn the line at Holly ever delivering at home again—the first one hadn’t been at all planned—she’d delivered Michael in the same room where Seth had been born. She’d delivered their second son into Adam’s waiting hands while Ethan and Ryan had held her and urged her on.

Dillon had been delivered in Denver because of complications in the pregnancy, and she’d hemorrhaged immediately after. There in the joy and relief of their third son being born was the reality that Holly could die. And almost had.

Ethan leaned down and kissed her gently on the forehead. He loved her more now than eight years ago, and he hadn’t thought that was possible. And yes, her being pregnant scared the living shit out of him, but he was also filled with wonder at the idea that their family wasn’t complete. Not yet. Another child would be born and bring with him or her a whole new dimension. Someone who would love and be loved.

Oh yes, there was room for more in the Colter family. Ethan’s heart swelled with the magnitude of Holly’s announcement.

He eased his arms underneath her and slowly lifted so he wouldn’t wake her. Then he carried her out of the boys’ room and down the hall to his bedroom.

After tucking her into his bed, he stripped down to his boxers and slid in beside her. As he gathered her in his arms, he whispered a fervent prayer that the pregnancy would be easy and that she’d deliver safely.