Collected Stories (19 page)

Now he worries that something has happened to this new woman and he has no way of knowing. What wound or hopelessness has made her want only this?

Next week she does come, standing in the doorway, coat-wrapped, smiling, in her early thirties, about fifteen years younger than him. She might have a lover or husband; might be unemployed; might be disillusioned with love, or getting married next week. But she is tender. How he has missed what they do together.

The following morning he goes downstairs and smells her on the sheets. The day is suffused with her, whoever she is. He finds himself thinking constantly of her, pondering the peculiar mixture of ignorance and intimacy they have. If sex is how you meet and get to know people, what does he know of her? On her body he can paint only imaginary figures, as in the early days of love, when any dreams and desires can be flung onto the subject, until reality upsets and rearranges them. Not knowing, surely, is beautiful, as if everything one learns detracts from the pleasures of pure imagination. Fancy could provide them with more satisfaction than reality.

But she is beginning to make him wonder, and when one night he touches her and feels he has never loved anything so much – if love is loss of the self in the other then, yes, he loves her – he begins to want confirmation of the notions which pile up day after day without making any helpful shape. And, after so many years of living, the expensive education, the languages he imagined would be useful, the books and newspapers studied, can he be capable of love only with a silent stranger in a darkened room? But he dismisses the idea of speaking, because he can’t take any more disappointment. Nothing must disturb their perfect evenings.

You want sex and a good time, and you get it; but it usually comes with a free gift – someone like you, a person. Their arrangement seems an advance, what many people want, the best without the worst, and no demands – particularly when he thinks, as he does constantly, of the spirit he and his wife wasted in dislike and sniping, and the years of taking legal and financial revenge. He thinks often of the night he left. 

*

He comes in late, having just left the bed of the woman he is seeing, who has said she is his. The solid bulk of his wife, her back turned, is unmoving. His last night. In the morning he’ll talk to the kids and go, as so many men he knows have done, people who’d thought that leaving home was something you did only once. Most of his friends, most of the people he knows, are on the move from wife to wife, husband to husband, lover to lover. A city of love vampires, turning from person to person, hunting the one who will make the difference.

He puts on the light in the hall, undresses and is about to lie down when he notices that she is now lying on her back and her eyes are open. Strangely she looks less pale. He realises she is wearing eyeshadow and lipstick. Now she reaches out to him, smiling. He moves away; something is wrong. She throws back the covers and she is wearing black and red underwear. She has never, he is certain, dressed like this before.

‘It’s too late,’ he wants to cry.

He picks up his clothes, rushes to the door and closes it behind him. He doesn’t know what he is doing, only that he has to get out. The hardest part is going into the children’s room, finding their faces in the mess of blankets and toys, and kissing them goodbye.

This must have turned his mind, for, convinced that people have to take something with them, he hurries into his study and attempts to pick up his computer. There are wires; he cannot disconnect it. He gathers up the television from the shelf. He’s carrying this downstairs when he turns and sees his wife, still in her tart garb, with a dressing gown on top, screaming, ‘Where are you going? Where? Where?’

He shouts, ‘You’ve had ten years of me, ten years and no more, no more!’

He slips on the step and falls forward, doubling up over the TV and tripping down the remaining stairs. Without stopping to consider his injuries, he flees the house without affection or dislike and doesn’t look back, thinking only, strange, one never knows every corner of the houses one lives in as an adult, not as one knew one’s childhood house. He leaves the TV in the front garden. 

*

The woman he sees now helps kill the terrible fear he constantly bears that his romantic self has been crushed. He feels dangerous but wants to wake up in love. Soft, soft; he dreams of opening a door and the person he will love is standing behind it.

This longing can seize him at parties, in restaurants, at friends’ and in the street. He sits opposite a woman in the train. With her the past will be redeemed. He follows her. She crosses the street. So does he. She is going to panic. He grabs her arm and shouts, ‘No, no, I’m not like that!’ and runs away.

He doesn’t know how to reach others, but disliking them is exhausting. Now he doesn’t want to go out, since who is there to hold onto? But in the house his mind devours itself; he is a cannibal of his own consciousness. He is starving for want of love. The shame of loneliness, a dingy affliction! There are few creatures more despised than middle-aged men with strong desires, and desire renews itself each day, returning like a recurring illness, crying out, more life, more!

At night he sits in the attic looking through a box of old letters from women. There is an abundance of pastoral description. The women sit in cafés drinking good coffee; they eat peaches on the patio; they look at snow. Everyday sensations are raised to the sublime. He wants to be scornful. It is easy to imagine ‘buzzes’ and ‘charges’ as the sole satisfactions. But what gratifies him? It is as if the gears of his life have become disengaged from the mechanisms that drove him forward. When he looks at what other people yearn for, he can’t grasp why they don’t know it isn’t worth wanting. He asks to be returned to the ordinary with new eyes. He wants to play a child’s game: make a list of what you noticed today, adding desires, regrets and contentments, if any, to the list, so that your life doesn’t pass without your having noticed it. And he requires the extraordinary, on Wednesdays.

He lies on his side in her, their mouths are open, her legs holding him. When necessary they move to maintain the level of warm luxury. He can only gauge her mood by the manner of her lovemaking. Sometimes she merely grabs him; or she lies down, offering her neck and throat to be kissed.

He opens his eyes to see her watching him. It has been a long time since anyone has looked at him with such attention. His hope is boosted by a new feeling: curiosity. He thinks of taking their sexuality into the world. He wants to watch others looking at her, to have others see them together, as confirmation. There is so much love he almost attempts conversation.

For several weeks he determines to speak during their love-making, each time telling himself that on this occasion the words will come out. ‘We should talk,’ is the sentence he prepares, which becomes abbreviated to ‘Want to talk?’ and even ‘Talk?’

However his not speaking has clearly gladdened this woman. Who else could he cheer up in this way? Won’t clarity wreck their understanding, and don’t they have an alternative vocabulary of caresses? Words come out bent, but who can bend a kiss? If only he didn’t have to imagine continually that he has to take some action, think that something should happen, as if friendships, like trains, have to go somewhere.

He has begun to think that what goes on in this room is his only hope. Having forgotten what he likes about the world, and thinking of existence as drudgery, she reminds him, finger by finger, of the worthwhile. All his life, it seems, he’s been seeking sex. He isn’t certain why, but he must have gathered that it was an important thing to want. And now he has it, it doesn’t seem sufficient. But what does that matter? As long as there is desire there is a pulse; you are alive; to want is to reach beyond yourself, into the world, finger by finger.

At eight, those who’d stayed up all night, and those who’d just risen, would gather on the beach for a swim. It had been a warm spring and was now a blazing, humid summer, the hottest of recent times, it was said. The sea was deliciously tepid.

When Rocco, a thin dark-haired man of about thirty, strolled down to the sea in his carpet slippers and cut-off Levi’s, he met several people he knew, including Bodger, a local GP who struck most people, at first, as being unpleasant.

Stout, with a large close-cropped head, big nose, no neck and a loud voice, Bodger didn’t appear to be an advertisement for medicine. But after they had met him, people began to think of his face as kind and amiable, even charming. He would greet everyone and discuss their medical and even psychological complaints in the pub or on the street. It was said that people took him their symptoms to give him the pleasure of attempting to cure them. The barbecues he held, at unusual and splendid locations, were famous. But he was ashamed of his own kindness, since it led him into difficulties. He liked to be curt.

‘I’ve got a question for you,’ said Rocco, as they made their way across the mud flats. ‘Suppose you fell in love. You lived with the woman for a couple of years and then – as happens – stopped loving her, and felt your curiosity was exhausted. What would you do?’

‘Get out, I’d say, and move on.’

‘Suppose she was on her own and had nowhere to go, and had no job or money?’

‘I’d give her the money.’

‘You’ve got it, have you?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Remember, this is an intelligent woman we’re talking about.’

‘Which intelligent woman?’ Bodger enquired, although he had already guessed.

Bodger swam vigorously according to his routine; Rocco stood in the waves and then floated on his back.

They dressed at the base of the cliffs, Bodger shaking sand from his shoes. Rocco picked up the papers he’d brought with him, an old copy of the
New York Review of Books
and the
Racing Post
.

‘It’s a nightmare living with someone you don’t love, but I wouldn’t worry about it,’ advised the doctor, in his ‘minor ailments’ voice. ‘Suppose you move on to another woman and find she’s the same? Then you’ll feel worse.’

They went to a vegetarian café nearby, where they were regulars. The owner always brought Bodger his own mug and a glass of iced water. Bodger enjoyed his toast, honey and coffee. The swimming gave him an appetite.

Unfortunately, Rocco craved almond croissants, which he’d once had in a café in London; every morning he’d raise his hand and ask the manager to bring him some. Of course, in their town they’d never seen such things, and each request annoyed the manager more. Bodger could see that one day Rocco would get a kick up his arse. He wished he had the nerve to make such enjoyable trouble.

‘I love this view.’ Bodger craned to look past Rocco at the sea. Rocco was rubbing his eyes. ‘Didn’t you sleep?’

‘I must tell someone. Things with Lisa are bad.’ Rocco ignored the fact that Bodger was drumming his fingers on his unopened newspaper. ‘I’ve lived with her two years. I loved her more than my life. And now I don’t. Maybe I never loved her. Maybe I was deluded.Perhaps I am deluded about everything. How can people lead sensible lives while others are a mess? You know what Kierkegaard said? Our lives can only be lived forward and only understood backwards. Living a life and understanding it occupy different dimensions. Experience overwhelms before it can be processed.’

‘Kierkegaard! I’ve been intending to read him. Is he great?’

‘Perhaps I enjoyed stealing her from her husband. What?’

‘Which book of his should I start with?’

Rocco said, ‘She was always up for sex, and I was always hard. We fucked so often we practically made electricity.’

Bodger leaned forward. ‘What was that like?’

‘We wanted to leave London. The people. The pollution. The expense. We came here … to get a bit of land, grow stuff, you know.’

‘The dope?’

‘Don’t be fatuous. Vegetables. Except we haven’t got them in yet.’

‘It’s a little late.’

‘Maybe you or your friend Vance would have started a business and a family and all that. But this town is getting me down. And Lisa is always … always … about the place. That’s what I’m saying.’

‘I wouldn’t leave a beautiful woman like that.’

‘Even if you didn’t love her?’

‘Not her. Romance doesn’t last. But respect and co-operation do. I’m a doctor. I recommend endurance.’

‘If I wanted to test my endurance I’d go to the gym like that idiot Vance. I think I’ve got Alzheimer’s disease.’

The doctor laid his hand on Rocco’s forehead. It was damp. Rocco seemed to be sweating alcohol. Bodger was about to inform him that his T-shirt was inside out and back to front, but he remembered that when his friend’s shirts became too offensive he reversed them.

‘I don’t think so. Does she love you?’

Rocco sighed. ‘She thinks she’s one of those magazine independent women, but without me she’d be all over the place. She’s useless really. What can she do? She has irritating ways.’