Collected Fictions (16 page)

MY WORD TO GOD, JEROME,
I am washing my hands of the whole subject. You don't want a picture? Then don't have a picture! On the one hand no picture, and on the other hand a name like J.D. when it is not a name which makes any sense to anybody down here, these are things which are killing your father, these are things which are killing the man, but he never said to you he could not learn to live with them. Whereas the question of no Merv Griffin, Jerome, this, for your information, this, now
this
, Jerrychik, this is a whole different question altogether!

Jerome darling, answer me this. Do I have to tell you what goes on down here when it is four o'clock of an afternoon at the Seavue Spa Oceanfront Garden Arms and Apartments? Answer me, Jerome, I did not tell you enough times already what goes on here at the aforementioned hour? Jerome, it is four o'clock here, and where is everybody here in the building suddenly running? From the card room and from the pool and from everywhere in sight, where are all these hot shots and these big shots and the shtarkers and the k-nockers suddenly in such a hurry to run to?

Because the answer, Jerome, is to the television, Jerome, to, excuse me, to Merv Griffin!

You don't believe me, you could look for yourself if you wouldn't take your father's own word for it, darling—four o'clock, where are they! Because they are running looking to see who is the lucky family which got a child on with Merv today and which are the morons which doesn't! But so stop to think, Jerome—did I your father ever once have the pleasure? But far be it from me to utter one word to you when it comes to your own father's peace of mind and happiness. Believe me, Jerome, first and foremost, your father is not an individual who asks for himself! But so think, Jerome,
think
—if not for myself, then for who, darling, for who is your father asking for? Darling, please, do me a favor—go into conference with your heart of hearts and ask yourself how you could ask your father such a question when you already know the answer! I promise you, boychik, when you know, you know, and you do not require a father to sit down with you and draw you a diagram. Like the woman who hears the telephone and she goes to pick it up. Did I tell you about this, Jerome? This woman, Jerome, the woman goes to pick it up and she says, "Hello?" Just like any normal civilized person, Jerome, the woman says into the telephone, "So hello?" So there is a man there on the other end, Jerome, and I want you to hear what this man says to this woman—because, as God is my judge, the man says to her, "I know what your name is and I know where you live and I know you can't wait for me to come over there and tear off every stitch you got on you and throw you down on the floor and do to you every filthy dirty thing I can think of."

You heard this man, Jerome?

You heard what this man said to this woman?

But now I want you to hear how this woman answers him. Because this is what the woman says to the man, darling—she says to him, "So you know all this from just hello?" Jerome, did you hear every word that woman said to that man? She said, "So you know all this from just hello?" So do me a favor, Jerome, and do not sit there and ask your father any questions when the answer to them is something you already in your own mind know!

SWEETHEART
, I am going to give you some quotes that will interest you—word-for-word verbatim. Gus Krantz: "So, Mr. Ess, you tell me your little one is too
sen
sitive for Merv Griffin, he couldn't go on there and make a little in
tell
igent conversation? Tsk, tsk, Mr. Ess, we all under
stand
, be
lieve
me. When a child is too
sen
sitive, who is it it's always a
tra
gedy for? Be
lieve
me, Mr. Ess, my heart goes out to you, because for the father it's
reall
y a tragedy. A mother, she could maybe
live
with it, but a
father
?" Burt Bellow: "With my own eyes I noticed, Mr. Ess, maybe J.D. stands for a girl and she wants to keep it a secret? Listen, you will tell your daughter to talk to Merv, the man will figure out an angle. Meanwhile, God love her, ask her if she heard about my Saul, a medal and thousands and thousands of dollars." Okay, cutie guy, don't excite yourself. So there are worse quotes than the ones I just told you. But does your father even listen to these animals? I promise you, whatever it is, it goes in one ear and out the other. Please, will you please? Tell me why I as your father should give the time of day to these people with their Merv Griffins and their Merv Griffins! But meanwhile it is the principle of the thing which to I as your father is interesting. And, Jerome, in case you didn't already figure it out for yourself, the principle of it is it is either Merv Griffin, pussycat, or you could go ahead and forget it!

Granted, for years in memoriam I as your father tried to shield you with my own body. Granted, what your father has had to go through for you not a million fathers in a million years could do it! And I also grant you it's still not half of what Gert Pinkowitz herself has got with her high and mighty Thomas. But, Jerrychik darling, be a nice boy and make one single tiny little exception for once in your life! Because let's face it, so what's the big production? You'll pick up the telephone and you'll call the man and you'll say to Merv, you'll say you thought it over in your own mind and you are ready to make an appearance!

Boychik, would your father begin to ask you if he saw even the slightest alternative? Fine, fine—so tell them to come strap me down and turn on the electricity, your father is asking you for a favor for your own personal benefit! Sonny sweetie, they could go ahead and give me all the volts they got, but your father still would not hesitate to tell you all it takes is a little intelligence even when a person is a genius. But does this mean that to his dying day you have not got your father's vote? Jerrychik darling, your father will go right down the line with you to his last dying breath regardless of your decision. But, meanwhile, ask yourself, is it fair that you who are the child should never meet your father halfway—especially when he is your elder and would lay down his life for you if this was what you demanded? So answer me, for your own father you could not sit down with Merv for all of two seconds, Jerome, and make a little civilized conversation? Bing bang and it's over and done with, and you can go ahead and pick yourself up and go back to your 603 and meanwhile your father in his mind could go to his grave in peace and quiet and contentment! Because I want to ask you a question, Jerome. So tell me, Jerome, so how do you propose your father is supposed to answer these gangsters year in and year out when they come down the next day to the card room and they say to me, "Tsk, tsk, Mr. Ess, we watched and watched, but we didn't see no J.D. sitting there chatting like a mensch with Merv Griffin"?

YOU WANT ANOTHER QUOTE
, Jerome? Fine, fine, I tried to protect you with my own body, darling, but do you want from down here another quote? Okay, here is one from Babe Friedman. "Tell me the truth, Solly, it was a cut-rate nose job and the girl could not ever again show her face again in public again? Listen, my Bruce Jay is very close to certain very, very big doctors. You want for me to give him a call and see what maybe could be worked out for the girl if you know the right people?"

Jerrychik, this is what your father has to live with—with quotes like this morning, noon, and night! Whereas one word from you, and it's a whole new ball game. Pay attention, Jerome—you will call up and you will say, "Merv, look, I haven't got all day—the answer is yes, so send a ticket and when do you want me?" So, Jerome, you'll tell them to kill me and bury me alive under boulders, Jerome, but first you will do this one little thing for your father! Because I am here to tell you, boychik, maybe Gert Pinkowitz is made of iron, but as to yours truly, he definitely is not! Oh, but so the Everest Mountain should fall over on me for passing comment, but when they put your father together, precious, they went and made a mistake and, you know, used flesh and blood and not iron! So do you hear me, Jerome? Because I couldn't take it no more every weekday all my life, no Merv Griffin and meanwhile your father keeps watching and keeps waiting, please God his sonny boy will finally get some sense in his head and someday see the light!

Look, you want me to quote you from Babe Friedman again? Because what the man said to me only this morning you would not believe it unless you heard it for yourself-—so I want you to hear this, Jerome, because, believe me, you would be the first individual to appreciate. So are you listening? Because the man said to me, "Sol, as to your J.D., did I or did I miss her? Four-thirty, four-forty, was she on there on Merv with him or wasn't she? Because maybe I left the room at the inopportune point of departure when I had to go see a man about a dog in the toilet. So was she or wasn't she? Even with the nose, did the girl take her chances? So tell me, Sol, what is in your daughter's case the terrible verdict?"

Pussycat, what will it cost you to pick up the phone and tell Merv you are going to make an exception just for him? So yes or no? Darling, as your father, am I or am I not entitled to a civilized answer? Okay, enough privacy for two seconds, Jerome! It would not kill you! It is not no Sing Sing Prison! It is only Merv Griffin!

Jerome, I have to whisper again, I'm almost dead from a virus from all this screaming. Darling, pay attention to me, we are talking about a wholesome show for the entire American family. So did you hear? Please, you'll sit down with the man, you'll say hello and good-bye to the man and take a look at my face to the man—and then like a mensch you'll get up and you'll walk away on your own two feet, and I promise you, sweetness, you will thank me for the rest of your days and so will all of your fans from coast to coast in every direction. But never mind, you don't have to give your father your answer this very instant. You need to think it over in your mind, darling, then go ahead and think it over in your mind. So in the morning your decision will be your decision, and you will call Merv and then like a grown-up advise the man accordingly.

You know what, Jerome? Tonight, after I finish this letter to my sonny boy, tonight when your father finally puts his head down on the pillow and says his prayers, I am going to thank God that with regard to the simple question of Merv Griffin, my sonny boy and I have had a meeting of the minds and the subject is from start to finish all settled. And I promise you, cutie guy, I wouldn't even say boo to Burt Bellow and to the rest of them beforehand. The gang of them should only be looking and not be ready for it when guess who walks out and Merv says, "Ladies and gendemen, have I got for you the cream of the crop of the whole United States literature industry!"

Jerome, I'll tell you something which just between you and your father will be our little secret. Burt and the rest of them, who wishes these animals ill? But when a certain person walks out and sits himself down to converse with Merv, every hoodlum in this building will drop dead! From one floor to the next, right down to the Fuchses and the Fruchters, every last one of the big shots will grab their kishkes and keel over. And you know what, Jerome? Jerome darling, your father would not blame them for one minute! All over the whole building they will have to hurry and go get the undertaker!

SO THE PLOTS,
Jerome, tell me, did you see anything there? Because since you're going to be going on Merv, it couldn't hurt to ask the man what he thinks of this here plot as against that one. Believe me, Jerome, the man knows! The man didn't just get off the boat, darling. Pay attention to your father—you ask Merv an intelligent question, the man will be only too happy and glad to give you the benefit of his wisdom. Jerome, the man knows the industry, Jerome! Are you listening to me? Believe me, the man did not get where he is today from giving people bad advice. Listen, Jerrychik, you open your heart of hearts to Merv and, I promise you, you will not be sorry. Because as a professional the man knows whereof he speaks. Besides, when does it ever hurt to ask? So you'll show Merv the plots I sent you and then you will sit down with him and you will listen to him and you will derive from him the benefit of his wisdom and experience. And meanwhile, whichever ones he says to you, "Jerome David, these are the ones which I, Merv Griffin, speaking to you as a professional, want you to get rid of," don't forget to make sure you send them back to me in 305 so that your father can exhibit himself in the best light and be a sport and make a present of them to Gert Pinkowitz. Because, who knows, darling, maybe God will make a miracle and the woman could maybe go get somewhere with one of them with her own kid, with what's his name, with her Thomas.

Sweetheart, your father didn't tell you yet what the story is in that department, did I? Believe me, I know you got a lot on your mind as a person in your own right. Hey just getting ready to go back to your old name again and be on Merv, I realize this is plenty for any human being as far as the current agenda. But meanwhile, Jerome, when someone comes along who is suffering worse than you yourself are, then you should, please God, you should sit yourself down with this person and listen to their story—because I will tell you something, dearheart, you never know what you could learn from the trials and tribulations of the other individual, be so whomever! Like the furrier which calls up his travel agent and he says to him, "Look, I'm sick to death of the usuals, give me what you got in the way of the Joneses couldn't keep up with it if it killed them," and the travel agent says to the man, "Well, what do you say to a couple of weeks on a slave ship?" So the man says to the travel agent, he says, "A slave ship? What's a slave ship?" Jerome, listen, the travel agent answers him like this—he says to the man, "A slave ship, a galley ship—you never heard of a galley ship?" And the man says, "Sure, I heard of a galley ship. Next time you're talking a galley ship, so say a galley ship! But so tell me, this season the right people are taking for themselves like cruises on a galley ship? Then hurry up and book me a galley ship!" So the next thing you know, Jerome, it is time to go get aboard, and the man and his wife, they go down there, and they get on board, and it is absolutely gorgeous. Darling, your father is here to tell you, this was some gorgeous ship this man Goldbaum and his wife got on! Service like this you never saw in your life. Hand and foot, they couldn't wait on you fast enough! So Goldbaum and his wife, they are in there in their stateroom and it's so gorgeous they can't believe it—when meanwhile here comes this terrible knocking on the door. And who is it, Jerome? Because I am here to tell you, Jerome, it is this individual which is maybe seven feet tall and which says to the man, "You Goldbaum?" So Goldbaum looks at him, seven feet tall, naked all over, these muscles, Jerome, such muscles, Jerome—so the man looks and he winks and he says, "Yeah, I'm Goldbaum." Well, darling, this big naked man says to Goldbaum, "If you're Goldbaum, then it says here it's your turn at the oars." Do you hear this, Jerome, the oars? And the fellow is looking at this list he's got and he says, "Nathan Goldbaum, right?" So Goldbaum says to the man, "Oars?"