Coletti Warlords: Reality Bites (12 page)

Chapter Nine

A curtain of mist rose from small pools of boiling yellow mud. Grotesque gray thorn trees with rootlike branches dotted the banks. Withered husks of long-dead creatures littered the ground beneath the trees.

I ducked a lashing branch and shuddered. The carnivorous trees were wicked fast, and if a barb penetrated your flesh, it quickly drained you dry.

A baby Barat squeaked excitedly and scurried toward me.
“Momma?”

My jaw dropped in astonished horror. Oh my God. Barats were intelligent, psychic beings? Or was I suddenly Doctor Doolittle?

“Momma,”
he cried again.

“No! Not momma.”
I backed away. The little guy was the size of a small tarantula. Could they be distant relatives of Kaylee’s Tabors?

The baby stopped, and his stinger drooped.
“Not momma?”

Guilt twisted my stomach. Had Jaylan killed his mom?
“No, honey, I’m not, but I’ll help you look for her.”

“Me hungry.”

Big surprise.
“What’s your name?”

“Rio.”
He crept closer.

“Watch out for the trees, honey, they’ll eat you.”

Chittering in alarm, Rio scooted up my leg, and before I could react, his hairy little legs clutched my neck.

I froze. I was going to die.

Rio snuggled under my chin.
“Safe.”

Well, hell, just call me Momma.
“Uh, sweetie, do you know what Barats eat?”

“Pretty much anything,”
Jaylan replied absentmindedly, his attention fixed on attaching the explosive to the side of a cliff the assassins had to pass.

The ledge Jaylan clung to crumbled, and suddenly he was falling. I heaved a sigh of relief when he simply teleported back to the top of the butte. Thank God I had planted all my bombs. The booby trap was a work of art. Pops would be so proud.

I reluctantly surveyed the area for any kind of insects. Scorpions in the Arizona desert paralyzed their prey with a neurotoxin, and once their victim’s insides were liquefied, they chowed down. Barats’ eating habits were probably pretty much the same. I hoped.

Rio climbed on top of my head and made himself at home.

My scalp twitched. How in the hell did Kaylee handle venomous critters in her hair without totally freaking?

Screeching like a rabid bat, Rio hopped up and down.
“There’s Cokie.”

I was almost afraid to ask. “
Cokie?”

“My sister.”

Oh swell.

“Momma!”
Cokie shot up my back and planted herself next to Rio.

Fuck.

A winged black centipede swooped down at us.

Before I could react, Rio and Cokie launched themselves at the creature, knocking it to the ground and stinging it repeatedly.

“Good job, babies.”

The kids’ pincers penetrated the convulsing centipede, and they slurped up their meal.

My stomach rumbled. God, I was kind of hungry too. Shucking off my backpack, I reached in and grabbed a power bar.

Cokie scurried over to me.
“What you eatin’?”

“Chocolate.”
I peeled back the foil and bit into it. Yum, food of the gods.

“Me want some.”
Cokie quivered in excitement.

“This is people food, honey, not a juicy bug.”

“Me like people food.”

“We’ll see.”
I broke off a tiny chunk and held it out.

She carefully took it with her pinchers, crammed it in her mouth, and immediately spat it out.
“Taste bad.”

My kid didn’t like chocolate? Where did I go wrong? Something that could pass for a cricket hopped across the sand.

I pointed at it.
“Bet it tastes good.”

Zoom. Off she went with Rio rushing after her.

A bulky Coletti warrior appeared in front of me and leveled his pistol at my chest. “Drop your weapon.”

Could this day get any worse? I let out all my pent-up anxiety in a bloodcurdling, ear-shattering, totally hysterical scream, and collapsed in a pitiful heap. “Please. Don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. Please.”

“You’ve got a pair of lungs on you,” the warrior muttered, rubbing his left ear.

I grabbed his leg and sobbed. “Please. Please. Don’t leave me.”

He eyed me suspiciously and took my gun. “Where is the warlord?”

Putting on my best dimwit act, I blubbered, “Jaylan? He…he…got attacked by a…tiger. His leg is…is over there, and his other parts are…by…by that rock.” I pointed at a convenient boulder.

The ass laughed. “This I have to see.” He pried my fingers off his leg. “Stay put.”

“You’ll come back, right?”

“For the bounty on you? Oh yes.” Poof. He was gone.

Jaylan all but thundered in my head,
“Why did you let him disarm you?”

“’Cause now he thinks I’m harmless.”
I took another bite of my slightly gooey bar.

Jaylan snorted.
“Harmless you’re not.”

I grinned.
“What convinced you? The cattle prod or the manure?”

“The cattle prod was a first for me.”

“Think of all the fun I can have with it now.”

“Balok’s balls! I searched your backpack.”

I smiled at his alarm.
“Obviously, not well enough, but don’t worry. I won’t use it on you.”

The Coletti warrior reappeared and roared furiously, “You lied!” He stalked toward me.

“Ya think?” I crammed the rest of the bar into my mouth and chewed frantically.

“Do not engage him in battle. I’ll deal with him,”
Jaylan snapped.

“But—”

Jaylan cut me off rudely.
“With or without the cattle prod, you aren’t strong enough to defeat him.”

My eyes widened when a large brown snake with a crocodile’s head slithered over a pile of sand.

“Really? I can take him out without laying a finger on him, Skippy.”
Using my telekinesis, I picked the snake up and dropped it on the idiot assassin.

Hissing like an enraged python, the reptile coiled around his head, and its powerful jaws clamped down on assassin’s forehead.

The battle-hardened warrior freaked out. Screaming like a little girl, he spun in circles, trying to shoot the snake with his laser pistol.

I backed away.

“An unusual but effective tactic,”
Jaylan commended.

“Fighting isn’t always about being the strongest. It’s about being the sneakiest.”

“You do excel at being sneaky.”
My big scary warlord appeared on a stony outcrop behind the mercenary. He raised his laser pistol.

“Relax. I’ve got this handled.”

“Do you?”

An energy beam sizzled past my head. I quickly took cover behind a giant toadstool.
“Whoa! Did you see that? He just shot off his own ear.”

“With any luck, he’ll vaporize himself,”
Jaylan added in disgust and lowered his rifle.

“And you were worried about this guy? He’s a total wuss.”

The idiot’s partner in crime teleported in. A laser beam caught him dead center in the chest. His mouth opened in a silent scream. For a brief second, he glowed a bright red, and then he was gone.

“Bet he regretted not engaging his energy shield.”

“His battle suit was in poor condition, and I doubt it could have absorbed a direct hit,”
Jaylan stated.

I winced when the pissed-off snake started chowing down on dumbass’s nose.

The mercenary howled in pain.

I was almost tempted to shoot the poor bastard to put him out of his misery, but I didn’t want to waste my ammo.

Chomp!
There went his other ear.

Wham! Wham! Wham!
The crazed warrior bashed his face repeatedly into a boulder until the snake fell off.

That was one way to get rid of it.

Blood pouring down his face, the moron blasted away at the reptile and screamed curses in some unknown language.

To my amazement, every laser bolt mysteriously vanished before it hit the snake.
“That’s freaky weird.”

“Most unusual. The creature’s actions are similar to a Shani,”
Jaylan agreed.

The slightly battered croc critter disappeared into a crevice.

The mercenary drew his sword and staggered toward me. “I’m going to cut you into tiny little pieces.”

Jaylan crouched down and assumed a firing position.
“He’s a dead man.”

“Easy, big guy. I’ve got a plan.”

“Then I shall watch with great interest.”

I let out dramatic shriek of fear. “Don’t hurt me! I’ve done nothing to you.”

“Do you think me a fool? I know you are a Siren.” He jabbed at me with his sword.

I scuttled around the toadstool, keeping it between us. “Me a Siren? No way. Like I’m psychic or something?”

“You are lying.” He swung his sword, missing me by a good foot.

“Wait! Doesn’t Radan want me alive?”

The assassin shrugged. “Few survive this world.” His attention totally focused on me, the jerk failed to notice he was way too close to a thorn tree.

I hid a smile. The idiot hadn’t activated his energy shield either.

A branch snapped out.

Whack!
It caught dumbass across the back of the neck. He made a funny gurgling noise as the tree drained him dry.

“See? The enemy is defeated, and I never laid a finger on him.”

“Don’t get cocky. We still have five assassins tracking us,”
Jaylan warned.

A bloodcurdling roar was followed by an agonized scream. In my mind’s eye, I could see the Pantos chowing down. Hungry buggers. That was the second bad guy they had taken out.

“Four.”

Poof! Jaylan stood in front of me. “Nicely done, my lady.” He took my lips in a kiss that was a devastating blend of hunger and gentleness.

“So. How do you feel about adopting?”

“What?”

Jaylan’s bewilderment was almost comical. My question had come out of left field. “You know, taking in babies who have lost their parents.”

“Madal?” Jaylan asked with a suspicious frown.

“Nope. His mom’s still alive.”

My warlord gave me a wary look. “Whatever you’re planning, the answer is no.”

“But—”

Jaylan reclaimed my mouth in a ravenous kiss. “I have one more explosive to plant. We’ll discuss this later. Stay out of trouble.”

“On this world? Not gonna happen.”

“Try.” Jaylan’s authoritarian tone rivaled Zarek’s.

“Yes’um, boss.”

Poof! He was gone.

Rio and Cokie peeked out from under a ledge.
“Safe, Momma?”

“It is. Come on, babies.”
I held my hand out.

The kids scurried up my arm and settled on my head.

Lordy, my furry critter hat was way hot. Sweat stung my eyes as I cautiously studied the area.

Heat waves quivered across the terrain like restless spirits.

I frowned and shaded my eyes. What the hell was crawling toward us? One look at the crocodile-shaped head, and I shivered in revulsion. Lucky me, it was back. A buzzing noise filled my mind. Oh my God, it was trying to communicate. I concentrated, and the static cleared.

“Wait, Momma.”

Momma? Not another one.
“Go away, or I will shoot you.”

The snake stopped.
“You helped the other hatchlings.”

“You’re not a baby.”

“True,”
the snake answered.

To my surprise, I was intrigued, not freaked out. Had Jaylan’s unique penis cured me of my fear? Maybe.
“What do you want?”

“Off this world.”

Gotta say I hadn’t expected that answer.
“Okay, I’ll bite. Why?”

“I’m a Shani from Derak,”
the snake claimed importantly.

I accessed Zarek’s data. Sure enough, the planet Derak was populated by a species of psychic snakes that had the ability to create mini wormholes. Which explained the disappearing laser bolts.

Gramps had been trying to capture a Shani for years. Their feudal society was controlled by the Queen Mother. Her battle techniques were legendary, and she had never been defeated.
“If you can create wormholes, why don’t you just zap yourself back to Derak?”

“My abilities have not fully manifested as yet.”
There was a mixture of embarrassment and anger in the statement.

“Mine either.”
I studied the Shani’s brainwaves. Definitely young and female.

She curled dejectedly at my feet.
“I want to go home.”

“Me too, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. What’s your name?”

“I am called Rami.”

“I’m Bree, and the little guys on my head are Rio and Cokie.”

Cokie peered down at Rami.
“Can we eat it?”

“No! No one is eating anyone,”
I instructed firmly.

Rio scurried down the side of my head and perched on my shoulder.
“Want to taste it.”

“Absolutely not, and no stinging.”

“You no fun,”
Rio pouted.

“And you have no manners. Say hello to Rami.”

In unison, Rio and Cokie both parroted,
“Hello, Rami.”

Rami raised her head.
“Greetings, small ones.”

Jaylan was going to have one hell of a hissy fit when he saw all my critters.
“How did you end up on this hellhole?”

Radiating shame, Rami slithered under a rocky shelf.

“Hey, it can’t be that bad.”
Moving into the shade, I collapsed on a rock and pulled out my bottle of water.

“I brought great dishonor on my nestmates. My attempt to build a stable wormhole failed. The power fluctuation created a wormhole within a wormhole and…and the Queen Mother was accidently sucked inside.”

“Ouch. Where did she end up?”

“On a Coletti warbird,”
Rami admitted in utter humiliation.

Oh shit, there was no way?
“A warbird with Zarek, the Overlord of the Coletti clans on it?”

“Yes. He almost captured Queen Mother.”

Damn. I bet Gramps was pissed she got away.
“She sent you to Gansu as punishment?”

“I am to die here!”
Rami wailed.