Cold Feet in Hot Sand (14 page)

Her eyes narrowed. “How often did you
offer
any input?”

“You mean before or after you decided to go ahead with a location where people who were important to me couldn’t make it if they wanted to?” He exhaled. “It’s like you were so caught up in planning the wedding and making sure it was perfect, but it didn’t matter if key people from my end were there. In fact, it didn’t even seem to matter to you if I was there.”

“Of course I wanted you there,” she snapped. “And if you didn’t want to be there, you could have said something sooner.”

A million arguments flew to the tip of his tongue, but Nick bit them back. He wasn’t getting anywhere this way, and he only had a few minutes before she called time on this discussion.

Ignoring his pounding heart and the sick feeling in his stomach, he said, “I want you to answer something. Just be honest.”

She tightened her arms across her chest. “Fine.”

“Do you really think you and I would have been happy?”

Kristina jumped like he’d shocked her. “What kind of question is that?”

“One that we should both think about,” he said. “If we’d gotten married and none of the rest of this had happened
—
”

“You expect me to answer that now that I know you’ve had the hots for my sister all this time?”

He exhaled, resisting the urge to do so impatiently. “I never touched her, or even thought about touching her, until after I left. I swear it.”

Kristina clenched her jaw, but didn’t respond.

“Think about it,” Nick went on, keeping his voice gentle. “Once the wedding was over, and it was just you and me for the rest of our lives…” He raised his eyebrows. “Would we have been happy? Or would we have just tolerated each other until one of us finally pulled the trigger and called it off?”

She avoided his eyes. “Nick, I loved you. I wasn’t…”

“I know you did,” he said. “I’ve never doubted that. But marriage means being compatible. Living together every day for the rest of our lives. You and I, we have different ideas about things. We want different things out of life.” He swallowed hard. “You deserve someone who wants the same things you do. And so do I.
That
is why I left. No other reason.”

Her expression wavered between rock solid and ready to crack. “Then why were we getting married?”

Nick swallowed. “I was hoping you could tell me.”

Kristina stared at the coffee table. Then she sank onto the couch and let her face fall into her hands. Nick approached her cautiously, unsure if she’d want him any closer than he was. He
sat beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. When she didn’t recoil,
he

put his arm around her.

“Kristina, I swear on my life, I never meant to hurt you.” He pulled her against him and let her rest her head against his shoulder. “But I want you to be happy. I want to be happy too. And there’s no way I could go into our marriage honestly when I knew we were just keeping each other from finding the right people.”

For the longest time, she didn’t speak. Her shoulders were hunched, and he could tell by the way she shook and the occasional sniff that she was, in spite of her best efforts, crying.

Finally, she sat up. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath, then looked at him. “Did you love me?”

Nick blinked. “What?”

“Just answer me,” she whispered. “Did you love me?”

“Absolutely.” He brushed a tear from her cheek with the pad of his thumb. “And when I asked you to marry me, I meant it. I wanted to marry you. I wish I’d told you sooner when I realized things wouldn’t work out, but… I just didn’t want to hurt you. I still don’t, because I do still love you, Kristina.” He smoothed her hair. “And that’s why Deanna and I weren’t going to tell you what happened that night. It wasn’t that we wanted to lie to you or deceive you. We knew what we’d done was wrong, and we knew the truth would hurt you. Keeping it to ourselves meant you didn’t have to live with it like we did. That was all it was.”

Kristina kept her eyes down. “Was it just the one time?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek, hesitating to answer because he wasn’t sure if the truth would hurt more than a lie in this case.

She looked at him, and her eyes were cold. “Never mind. Don’t
—
”

“It was the first time,” he said. “It wasn’t until after we came back from the island and tried to talk things over that we realized…”

She exhaled, lowering her gaze again, and her entire demeanor deflated as her shoulders fell. “You have feelings for her.”

Nick nodded slowly. “Yes.”

For the longest time, she said nothing, and Nick couldn’t decide if she was fuming, digesting information, struggling not to break down, thinking. Finally, barely whispering, she said, “Do you love her?”

Nick’s mouth went dry. How the hell was he supposed to answer that without pouring more salt in Kristina’s wounds?

“Just tell me.” She still didn’t look up. “Be honest. Please.”

“Yes,” he said softly, flinching when she did. “But that never even crossed my mind until after I broke things off with you. What happened that night, it just… I promise you, Kristina, it was completely out of left field for both of us.”

She lifted her head and met his eyes. “But you have feelings for her now.”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

She lowered her gaze again.

“I’m not justifying what happened between Deanna and me that night,” he said. “And I’m not justifying how much you’ve been hurt through all of this. But I think it was a wake-up call for both of us that we wouldn’t have been happy together.”

“And that you and Deanna would be happy together.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” He squeezed her shoulder gently. “But we’re not going to be together unless we know you’re okay with it.”

She eyed him. “What?”

“If you don’t want us to be together,” Nick said, “just say the word. We won’t see each other behind your back.”

Kristina wiped a tear from her cheek and sniffed. “You two would stop seeing each other? If I told you I couldn’t deal with it?”

He nodded. “If that’s that you want. We’ve hurt you enough. It’s important you and Deanna find a way to fix things between you, and if having me in the picture will just strain things, then we’re both willing to let that go. I won’t be a barrier between you and your sister.”

“You want to be together, though.” Her expression and voice hardened again. “And tell me again how I’m supposed to believe there was nothing there when suddenly there
is
something there?”

“I don’t expect it to make sense,” he said. “It doesn’t make sense to me or Deanna either.” He looked her in the eye. “All I can ask is for you to take me at my word that there was
nothing
between us before that night.”

Kristina made a frustrated gesture with one hand. “I just don’t understand how you could go from being completely
faithful and devoted to me, to sleeping with her, to feeling this way
about

her. I don’t get it.”

“I don’t either,” he said. “That night, we were both upset, and I think we just needed someone. Anyone.”

“And you both happened to be there.”

Nick nodded. “Then, after the fact…” He blew out a breath. “I can’t explain it. I wish I could.”

Kristina sighed. “Maybe none of this ever makes sense. No wonder relationships aggravate everyone.”

“No kidding.” He paused, swallowing hard. “Do you at least believe me when I say I never, ever wanted to hurt you?”

She didn’t answer right away. It was all he could do not to back away from her intent gaze as she searched his eyes, but he was determined to look her in the eye. Seconds ticked by. The better part of a minute. Nick’s heart pounded, and he wondered what she saw in his face, hoped his eyes told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Finally, she released a breath and nodded slowly. “Yeah. I believe you.” Shifting her gaze away, she wrung her hands in her lap. “I think that’s been the hardest part with all of this, actually.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re not a cruel person,” she said. “You never have been. I don’t think you could be if you wanted to be. And I’ve, I don’t know…” She swallowed and looked at him again. “I guess I just couldn’t reconcile what happened
—
what I thought happened
—
with the man I knew.”

Nick couldn’t decide if that was a relief, or if it cut deeper knowing just how betrayed she must have felt if she’d never imagined him doing something like that.

Kristina smiled weakly. “Now if I can just find another guy like you…”

He tried not to visibly wince. “You’ll find someone better than me. A lot better than me.”

“Maybe,” she whispered. “You think any of us ever find that perfect someone?”

A tingle of guilty déjà vu crept up his spine, especially as he said, “I don’t think anyone ever gets it exactly right. I think we just kind of stumble around blindly until we crash into a person
whose bullshit we’re willing to put up with, and who’s willing
to put up

with our bullshit.”

Kristina smirked. “You got that from Deanna, didn’t you?”

He laughed. “She said it to you?”

“No, it just sounds like her.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” His humor faded. “And I just don’t think you and I were made to put up with each other’s bullshit.”

She managed a soft laugh. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.” She paused, and her expression turned more serious. Sighing, she ran a hand through her hair, and Nick’s heart sank as Kristina’s shoulders did. “No, you’re
definitely
right.”

“This isn’t a bad thing, Kristina,” he said. “You deserve better than me, and we both deserve better than what we had together, and I want us both to have the freedom to find that.”

She wiped her eyes and looked at him, smiling faintly. “So you’re letting me go so I can find someone who will put up with my bullshit?”

He chuckled. “Something like that.”

“You always were quite the romantic.” She laughed, and her eyes welled up as she put her hand over his. “My sister’s lucky to have you.”

He blinked. “You’re… you’re okay with…”

She exhaled and squeezed his hand. “You’re right about us not being happy together. Deanna and I can work things out with time, but I’d be selfish to say you two had to split up for me.”

“Even after we
—
”

“Nick.” She held his gaze. “I’ll find someone eventually. Hopefully. But you already have, and I can’t ask you to give that up.”