Coincidences (6 page)

‘We have a small child—’

‘We both know you wanted a
child more than I did.’ He pushed past her, forcing her to let go of the door
handle. She turned around quickly to face him, and saw stars before her eyes.
She took a deep breath to settle herself. The lack of sleep was making her
woozy. Now, what she was hearing from Roger didn’t make sense. She thought he
wanted Alice, too. She thought they’d both wanted children. ‘You... You never
wanted her? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘I never said that.’ He began
walking down the stairs.

‘Why didn’t you tell me
before?’ Stephanie hurried after him, turning towards Alice’s bedroom door,
speaking in a low voice to avoid waking her, praying she would stay asleep.

‘Your heart was set on having
a child, remember? It was like it would be the end of the world if you never
had one.’ Roger was talking to her from the bottom of the stairs.

She stood holding onto the
bannisters, looking at him. He had made up his mind, he was leaving; he didn’t
even want to discuss it. She didn’t want to let him go.

He reached towards the front
door.

‘Roger, please.’ She wiped
her tears on the sleeve of her dressing gown. ‘Don’t leave, not like this;
let’s talk.’

‘You haven’t wanted to talk
to me for the past couple of months, why start now?’ he huffed.

‘I’ve been moody sometimes,
yes, but so have you. It’s Alice, she doesn’t sleep well. I’m up half the
night.’

‘You’ve got time to sleep
during the day; you’re not working.’

‘It’s a full time job running
the house and looking after a small child; looking after you.’

He fished inside his coat’s
pocket for his car keys: ‘Well, you won’t have to worry about looking after me
anymore. I’m going.’ He opened the front door.

She ran down the stairs and
tried to hold onto his arm, but he pulled it away.

‘Stephanie, stop fooling
yourself. We’re living separate lives already. Think about it, when was the
last time we had sex?’

‘Is that what this is about—’

‘No, that’s not it! We’re
different people. It’ll never work. We hardly talk to each other anymore. We’re
better off apart.’ He stepped outside the door.

‘But, Alice... What will
happen to Alice? She’s your daughter...’

‘Take care of Alice.
Good-bye, Stephanie,’ he said, pulling the door closed behind him.

She stood alone, the slamming
of the door resonating in her ears. Alice began to cry.

***

As Stephanie sat in the kitchen and recalled the
memories, she wondered whether she had pushed things too far. Roger had never
been as keen to start a family as she had. She began to think that maybe he had
not wanted Alice from the start. Perhaps they should have been trying to work
out the problems in their relationship, before thinking about having a child.

Stephanie’s mind went back to
the conversation she’d had with Alice earlier that day. What if Alice found
Roger, and what if she got to know him? Surely, he wasn’t a threat to her
now... or was he? She couldn’t be sure what he would tell Alice about the
reasons he left home.
Would he tell her about—
Just at that moment the
telephone rang, interrupting Stephanie’s train of thought. She walked into the
living room, sat on the sofa and picked up the phone.

‘Hello,’ she said
absent-mindedly.

‘Steph, hi, it’s Rita,’ said the
friendly voice on the other end.

Rita’s voice brought Stephanie
back down to earth. ‘R... Rita,’ she stuttered, ‘how nice to hear from you.’

‘It was so nice to see you again
on Tuesday; it brought back so many memories. I can’t believe Alice is already
so grown up. It seems like only yesterday she was just a baby. Doesn’t time go
too quickly?’

‘Y... Yes, it does.’

‘We really must meet up soon,’
Rita babbled on, unaware that her voice was making her friend feel
uncomfortable.

Such timing
, Stephanie
couldn’t help feeling edgy; she had just been thinking about events from years
ago, and now she was hearing the voice of someone who knew everything... all
about her secret. The truth now seemed to be bubbling under the surface ready
to reveal itself, like a chick cracking through the shell of an egg, slowly
chipping away until soon all that was left would be shattered remains.

‘We used to be so close; it’s
such a shame we lost touch.’ Rita’s words awaited a response.

Perhaps this was a good thing;
maybe Rita walking back into her life now was a blessing—after all, she was the
only one who ever knew.

‘Rita,’ she began tremulously,
‘I’m sorry if I wasn’t very friendly when I saw you on Tuesday. I just hadn’t
expected to see you, and it brought everything back—all the memories.
Sometimes, I think I’d prefer to forget.’ She laughed to hide her nervousness.

‘Steph, don’t worry. It was as
much of a shock for me seeing you. It did upset me to hear that you and Roger
split up. I don’t know if you want to talk about it. I knew you had problems
when I was around, but I really thought that would change when Alice came
along. I mean, you both wanted a child so badly, didn’t you?’

‘Hmm, it’s funny. I was thinking
about that just before you phoned. I’m not sure. Maybe Roger didn’t really want
Alice. She asked me about him today. Of course, I expected her to ask about him
sooner or later, but it still came as a shock. She’s never really seemed that
bothered about him not being around. I’m sure if she finds him and finds out
everything, she’ll hate me. What do you think? I’ve been going crazy all day
worrying about it.’

‘Why would Alice hate you? I
don’t understand. Of course, I don’t really know much about what went on after
I left town. How old was Alice when Roger left?’

‘She was about eighteen months,
I think.’

‘That’s a long time ago.’

‘It is.’

‘And Roger has never kept in
touch with you or Alice?’

‘No, never. He just disappeared.
I heard from him a couple of years later; he was getting remarried, and wanted
a divorce. It was a bit out of the blue. I’d moved from the home we’d been
renting together, to this flat. Apparently, he’d got my new address from a
mutual friend. You know, he didn’t even once ask to see Alice while the divorce
was going through the Court. Once the divorce was finalised, I never heard from
him again.’

‘So, why would Alice want to see
him? He basically abandoned her.’

‘She’s curious.’

‘Yes, well, I suppose he is her
father. Maybe it’s because she wants to meet some of her family. Being with
you, she hasn’t really had any of that; well not
real
family. Maybe
that’s what it is. But it is, as you say, probably just curiosity.’

‘No... you don’t understand.
Alice doesn’t know about... well, about any of that.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She thinks I’m her real mum.’

‘You never told her about
Miranda?’

‘No. Do you think that was
wrong?’ Stephanie felt a strange mix of emotions when she heard Miranda’s name.
It brought back old, distant feelings of insecurity, defensiveness.

‘Well, it’s not really for me to
say.’ Rita’s voice brought her back to the present. ‘But, I had presumed that
you would have told her everything by now; I mean, how old is she? Twenty?’

‘Twenty-one,’ corrected
Stephanie.

‘She’s an adult. She’s entitled
to know,’ said Rita. ‘When were you planning to tell her?’

‘I don’t know if I was. I hadn’t
really thought about it. After Roger left, Alice was all I had. He obviously
didn’t want her. I was the one who cared for her. It was an agreement. Alice
was
my
child—mine and Roger’s. Anything else is too complicated.’

‘Look at it from
her
perspective. If it was
you
, wouldn’t you want to know?’

‘She doesn’t need to know.
Anyway, I could never find the right time to say anything. She’d been rejected
by her father at such a young age, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I
came close a few times, but what was I supposed to say? “By the way, I’m not
your real mother”? I couldn’t do it to her. As time went by and I never heard
anything from Roger—or Miranda for that matter—it became less important. As far
as I am concerned, she’s my daughter and I’m her mum. Miranda never wanted her.
It was a surrogacy agreement, that’s all. It wasn’t my fault I couldn’t have
children.’

‘Steph, Alice knows you’re the
one who brought her up. She’ll understand. I think she should be told,’ said
Rita. ‘These things should be out in the open, or they could cause problems.’

‘But, Rita, I’m the one who
raised Alice. I don’t want her to end up seeing me as a stranger. I couldn’t
cope with that.’

‘Look, let’s meet up tomorrow
and talk about it. We can’t discuss something like this over the phone. You
sound upset.’

‘I’m okay.’ Stephanie took a
tissue from the box on the coffee table in front of her and held it against her
nose. ‘Meeting tomorrow would be a good idea. I’m glad we met again. I don’t
think I could do something like this on my own.’

‘Shall I come to your house?’

‘Yes,’ said Stephanie.

After the telephone
conversation, Stephanie mused that although she hadn’t spoken to Rita for
nearly twenty years, she had been able to talk to her as if they’d never lost
touch. It calmed her nerves to know that she would not have to make any
decisions on her own, although she felt slightly concerned that Rita seemed to
be pushing her to tell Alice everything. In her heart of hearts she did not
feel that she was ready. She remembered the feeling she’d had years ago, when
she had been sitting in a helicopter, harnessed to an instructor, ready for a
skydive. Roger had booked the experience for her as a gift for her birthday. That
had been a time when she was younger and willing to try new things. Even then,
when it was time to jump from the plane she didn’t feel ready; she wanted to
change her mind and call it off, but suddenly she was out there floating high
above the ground, miles from anywhere. It felt the same now, as if she was on a
precipice of sorts. But if she took the chance and revealed all, would this be
a safe landing or a crash landing?

She walked back into the kitchen
and picked up the photographs that were still lying on the table. She put them
back into the old shoe-box, where they had been hidden for years, and decided
to keep them out of sight.

Chapter Five

Friday 15th August 1997

When she woke up, Stephanie felt tired. Her night had
been one of tossing and turning; not only physically, but also mentally. She
had been thinking about her conversations with Alice and Rita. She could hear
Rita’s voice in her head:
‘She’s entitled to know... She should be told’
.
But Stephanie still felt reluctant to tell Alice about the surrogacy agreement.
One thing was certain, Alice had made the decision to try to find her father,
so the problem wouldn’t just go away. Stephanie was racking her brain to try to
find a way to explain things to Alice without revealing too much.

It felt as if she was excavating
a tomb that she had hoped would stay buried for ever.

She recalled how when she was
still married to Roger, when they were agreeing the surrogacy with Miranda,
they had both said that when Alice was old enough they would tell her
everything. Her mind went back to a late summer evening when she was seated
next to Roger on the sofa, a glass of red wine in her hand...

‘So, are you sure about this, Steph?’ asked Roger,
taking a sip of his beer.

‘Absolutely. Miranda seems
like a nice girl, and she’s willing to do this for us. She doesn’t want
children; she said it herself. I don’t think there’ll be a problem.’ Stephanie
tried to push any niggling doubts to the back of her mind. She had been
questioning how any woman would give up her child for money. What if Miranda is
just desperate for money now, as she is a student? What if her situation
changes in a few years and she has a change of heart? Would she be able to take
back the child? A child that Stephanie would have taken in as her own and
fallen in love with? She knew she could not afford to think about any of that.
The most important thing was that this young girl was offering her the chance
to be a mum; something that she had dreamed of. Her focus was on that goal.

‘Yes, but she’s young. What
if she changes her mind?’ Roger voiced one of Stephanie’s greatest concerns.

‘That’s a chance we have to
take.’ She sat back and took a mouthful of wine, trying to think positively,
not wanting this chance to slip through her fingers.

‘But I mean, what if she
comes back a few years from now and asks to see the child? I’m not sure how
watertight these agreements are.’

Stephanie sat forward and
looked at Roger. ‘I’ve thought about all that too, but I’m willing to risk
something going wrong. I have nothing to lose. If we turn down Miranda’s offer,
what chance do we have of ever being parents?’

‘We could adopt, or foster a
child. There are always children being abandoned,’ said Roger.

‘But when I suggested those
options to you before, you always said that if we couldn’t have a child of our
own—’

‘Then we shouldn’t have one,’
he completed her sentence.

‘But, Roger, don’t you see?
If Miranda has your child, it would be a part of you. This way we have a chance
for a child of our own, or as near as possible.’

Roger looked uncomfortable.

‘You know how much I want
children.’ Stephanie stared into her now empty glass of wine.