Coffin Island (5 page)

“
How about you don’t bet on
the pupils killing the library and the faculty,” I practically
shouted.

“
Betting on Madison seemed
like a reasonable solution,” he said. “It was highly popular among
the faculty especially the uneducated ones. The books didn’t get a
vote because I wouldn’t give them one. They’re our jailors. You
don’t permit them the vote.”

“
I hope she kills you all,”
I said.

“
Me too,” Professor Coffin
said. “My wager is substantial.”

“
I can’t believe that you
are running the school,” I said.

“
It’s a mystery,” Professor
Coffin nodded. “I tried to drink to get away from The Coffin Island
School for Witches. Now I have to run it in perpetuity. It doesn’t
seem entirely fair especially when I have to take so much criticism
especially from the new arrivals like you. The letters from the
alumni are particularly horrendous too.”

“
Why don’t you step down?” I
asked.

“
It’s a terminal position,”
Professor Coffin coughed. “I’ve been in charge of this magical mess
for four hundred years. I can’t endure this position much longer.
What do you propose I do?”

“
Is that why you are betting
on Madison?” I asked.

“
Madison has been the
interim Headmaster for sometime now,” he said. “I have been relying
on her for all my decisions.”

“
What?” I shouted. “How
could Madison be running the school? She hates this
place.”

“
I have been stealing her
ideas for some time now,” he said. “I don’t have any ideas of my
own. Four hundred years of the doldrums has emptied my mind
out.”

“
You don’t have any ideas of
your own?” I asked.

“
Of course not,” he said.
“You’re looking at an empty birdcage, cuckoo.”

Professor Coffin poured himself a
tumbler of rum.

“
Have some rum,” he
suggested. “I have no authority.”

“
You have no authority?” I
said.

“
I’m the figurehead on the
prow of a ghost ship,” Professor Coffin said. “How could anyone run
this magical mess? They put a drunken janitor in charge four
hundred years ago. Not only have the witches not objected. My rule
has been immensely popular. Truthfully it’s had its ups and downs.
What are you going to do? You can’t please them all. Sometimes I’m
just blacked out on rum. There is that too. It’s a bit of a mystery
actually. I can’t tell you precisely what’s been going on here. It
doesn’t look very good from my vantage point.”

“
What do you want from me?”
I asked.

“
You boarded my ship,”
Professor Coffin said. “What do you want from me?”

I struggled to come up with something
to ask for from this drunken bum of a pirate.

“
I want to get off this
ship,” I said.

“
Jump off the back,”
Professor Coffin suggested. “Use the privy door.”

He picked up a cutlass off the
floor.

“
Take this cutlass,”
Professor Coffin said. “Kill them all.”

“
What will happen to me?” I
asked as I took the cutlass and swung the blade towards
him.

“I don’t know,” Professor Coffin
shrugged. “The mermaids in the emerald ocean will capture you. Or
you will land back in the library. Flash will attack you. The books
will attack you. You will probably end up in the coffin room
somehow. Your powers have yet to fully come up. You’re vulnerable.
Why do you care?”

“
I have to get back to the
library,” I said fiercely. “I have to help Madison.”

“
You didn’t threaten a
member of the faculty which explains why you are here on my
galleon,” he said. “This is not my fault.”

“
You’re a member of the
faculty,” I said and ran the cutlass right through him.

Blood poured out of him savagely but
Professor Coffin was strangely thrilled.

“
You’re the new Headmaster,”
Professor Coffin chocked on bloody laughter before he
disappeared.

I jumped out the privy door into the
emerald ocean. A door opened up in the emerald ocean. And I fell
right through it. The lights went out for a brief moment like
someone was changing the reel on an old fashioned movie as I fell
through the door in the ocean. Then we lurched forward. Someone was
definitely manipulating this test that was The Coffin Island School
for Witchcraft. I had just passed something which I had been
expected to fail. Or at least that’s what I thought. My course had
just been altered. Of this much I was certain. So that’s how you do
it on Coffin Island? Kill whatever is in your path.

Chapter

I landed on the library floor which had
somehow righted itself. The books were largely back on the walls in
the stacks. Madison was feeding the remaining volumes to Flash. He
seemed to be dying a death of excess. He was a massively bloated
fireball. He was desperately trying to refuse the final books.
Madison was shoving them down his throat with fireplace
tongs.

The books were being reduced to ash
inside Flash. New books were being born inside him. They were
flying up to the stacks. Fire wasn’t the ultimate death for books.
Burning them was giving them new life. Madison had been correct
after all.

Also burning books was an indicator of
their power. You wouldn’t burn something that wasn’t a threat. You
would just hurl it in the ashcan like so much trash. Perhaps there
was some logic to this test that we were attempting to
pass.

There was a steady stream of faculty
witches walking into the library. Their faces were covered in
stitches. They appeared to be deeply unhappy with the new order.
Why weren’t they happy to be free? Coffin Island was back doing the
unpredictable act. There we were getting along for a brief moment?
I knew it couldn’t last.

“
Headmaster Boo,” Madison
laughed. “Professor Coffin gave me the good news.”

“
You’re descended from
pirates too,” Professor Coffin said. “Now that you’re Headmaster
you’re old enough to know the truth.”

“
I’m descended from
pirates?” I gasped.

“
Pitches,” Professor Coffin
said. “Pirate witches.”

“
It explains a lot,” I
said.

“
Our moral deformity,”
Professor Coffin grinned.

“
You wear that burden on
your back,” Madison snorted.

“
Witchcraft has a stupendous
knack for naming us,” I agreed.

Professor Coffin was standing next to
Flash with a flaming bucket of fire and a shovel.

“
I got my old job back,”
Professor Coffin grinned and took a swig of rum from his hip flask.
“Not a lot of competition for the prestigious spots on this rock
with this stupid lot. I feel like a million doubloons now that I’m
back at the top, the Janitor slot.”

“
Put Flash in his flaming
coffin so he can recover,” Madison snapped. “And get out of my
presence before I kill you.”

“
What a lovely witch,”
Professor Coffin remarked. “She has a touch of the old
hag.”

Professor Coffin then proceeded to
shovel up Flash which we all watched with deep fascination. Flash
seemed to be disintegrating into little pieces of flaming ape.
Professor Coffin tamped down the various parts of fiery flesh in
the bucket of fire. Flash adjusted himself in the bucket. He let
out a flaming groan of relief.

“
Make a hole for the bucket
of ape,” Professor Coffin shouted. “We have an injured librarian
coming through. We can’t afford to lose another creature that knows
how to read on this island. They’re scarcer than a raven with
spectacles.”

The faculty witches begrudgingly parted
to let him pass.

“
I’m just going to assume
that I’m your number two witch in-charge,” Madison said.

“
You want to be Headmaster?”
I asked.

The faculty witches started shouting in
disapproval.

“
This is a hostile takeover
of The Coffin Island School for Witches by the pupils!” Madison
yelled.

The faculty witches shouted in
approval.

“
The faculty witches
deserved to die for mistreatment of the pupils,” Madison bellowed.
“You are now under our rule! Defy Headmaster Boo and
die!”

The faculty witches shouted in
approval.

We’re off to a pretty good start, I
thought.

“
Say something to them,”
Madison said out of the corner of her mouth.

“
I didn’t ask for this job,”
I said. “And I certainly don’t want it.”

The faculty witches shouted in
approval.

“
Keep going,” Madison
urged.

“
You refused to teach us!” I
shouted.

The faculty witches roared in
approval.

“
You refused to feed us!” I
shouted.

The faculty witches roared in
approval.

“
You pawned us off on
wombats!” I shouted.

The faculty witches roared in
approval.

“
Give them a punishment,”
Madison suggested.

“
You have to stay in this
library,” I shouted.

The faculty witches shouted in
approval.

“
Come up with something
worse,” Madison said.

“
You cannot leave this
library,” I shouted.

The faculty witches shouted in
approval.

“
Punish them,” Madison
hissed.

“
Until you have read all
these books,” I shouted.

The faculty witches howled in
disapproval.

Professor Coffin stuck his head back in
the door.

“
Have you gone mad, man?” he
demanded. “These witches don’t know how to read.”

“
What are they called?”
Madison asked.

“
Stitches,” Professor Coffin
said. “They make sails.”

“
I suspected as much,”
Madison said.

“
Makers of sails,” I
practically shouted.

“
It explains a lot,” Madison
laughed.

“
What were they doing inside
the books?” I asked.

“
They tried to burn the
books,” Professor Coffin explained. “The books devoured
them.”

“
We know that,” Madison
snapped.

“
Why did they try to burn
them?” I asked.

“
How should I know that?”
Professor Coffin demanded.

“
They didn’t learn anything
while they were in there?” I asked.

“
Of course not,” Professor
Coffin said.

“
You can’t teach them?” I
asked.

“
Of course not,” Professor
Coffin said. “They’re stitches.”

“
Why did you put them in
charge of the school?” I asked.

“
The pirates abandoned ship
and the stitches were underfoot,” Professor Coffin said. “You don’t
need sails if you don’t have sailors.”

“
Where is the pirate
faculty?” Madison asked.

“
I don’t know,” Professor
Coffin shrugged. “They’re on Coffin Island somewhere.”

“
What are they doing?” I
asked.

“
Drinking rum and horsing
around,” Professor Coffin said. “Why do you ask?”

Madison laughed.

“
What about you?” I asked.
“Why were you in that book?”

“
I climbed into my book
because I couldn’t abandon ship because I was Headmaster,”
Professor Coffin said. “The doldrums were preferable. If you’re
going to be a rum bum where else would you do it?”

“
We have a book in here?”
Madison asked. “Just like a coffin?”

“
Where do you think your
life story is written?” Professor Coffin demanded.

“
You knew this was coming?”
I asked.

“
Our life stories are
already written down?” Madison demanded.

“
I couldn’t get through the
doldrums,” Professor Coffin grinned. “Your book won’t let you skip
ahead. My life remains an open book because I closed
it.”

“
Professor Coffin must teach
you how to read,” I shouted. “Then you must read every book in the
library starting with your life story. Only then can you leave this
library.”

The stitches said nothing.

“
I think you stunned them,”
Madison said.

“
Let’s get out of here,” I
said. “I don’t want to know my life story.”

“
I’m right behind you,
chief,” Madison said as we backed out of the room and quietly shut
the door of the library behind us. Stitches were already reentering
the library from the coffin room. They were passing through the
closed door against their will. Flash came roaring down the hall.
He had recovered in his flaming coffin. He put himself through the
keyhole. A great struggle to learn could be heard from within. It
sounded like Professor Coffin was throwing his pupils against the
wall. Flash was letting out hearty roars of approval. Flame on, my
brother. Flame on, you cantankerous beast. Be light on your
feet.