Coffee and Cockpits (37 page)

Joslyn frowned, then her eyes clouded and she sighed. “Oh, I know what happened. You remembered. Didn’t you?”

It was the first time I saw any residual fear or horror in Joslyn’s eyes. She seemed so put together and unaffected.

I shuddered. “Do you remember?”

“All of it. For a while I was jealous of you and Liam, the doctor said you’d most likely never remember the trauma. Every time I close my eyes I see the flames, smell the acrid stench of skin and polyester burning.” Her voice haunted me. “I’ll never forget.”

My throat clogged and I looked out the window. I’d never been a nervous flyer, but the jerk when we pushed back from the air bridge filled my stomach with lead. What if we crashed again?

Joslyn stole my hand, grasping it tight in her clammy one. “You scared?”

I went to shake my head, but honesty made me nod.

“Me, too.”

* * * * *

Two weeks later, I eventually ventured out of my apartment.

My injuries from the crash had faded, but every organ in my chest hurt like I was a voodoo doll and someone stabbed pins through me. The loss of Liam muddled me and turned me into something I never wanted to be, heartsick.

Dream-Samoa and Liam morphed more and more into fable every day that passed, and I struggled to get up in the mornings. Every moment was an effort, not because I’d sampled something so bright and dazzling as what I’d had in Samoa, but because I let myself become terrified of the one thing that made me,
me
. As much as I hated to admit it, I understood Liam and his choice for leaving, no matter how much it hurt to be unwanted. He left to confront his demons—his lost memories and freedom. I’d lost my freedom by letting fear shackle me to the ground.

Ever since the plane ride home, I avoided the airport. Work had tried to coax me into doing a light shift, but I couldn’t stomach the thought. I didn’t want to risk my life in something as fickle as a metal tin can that could kill me if gravity decided to pluck it from the sky.

I’d even refused to see Joslyn. She reminded me too much of Liam.

In fact, the only company I could stomach were the two terrapins who lived in a large aquatic tank in my sparsely furnished lounge. And my father. We’d had lunch a few times and it was nice to have him back in my life, but I needed time on my own. Yet another thing I had in common with Liam. Space. I couldn’t stand the thought of having people hover, asking me if I were okay. Did I need counselling? What was I going to do for a job? My life turned from promise to dismal the moment the flashback had stolen my will to fly. Dancing no longer gave me a reprieve either…nothing worked.

And I hadn’t heard a word from the pilot who ran away with my heart.

My breath came sharp and fast as I clutched the steering wheel of my Honda Civic. The aeroclub beckoned with memories of fun and excitement. The scent of air fuel permeated the atmosphere and the thrill of flying zapped me briefly before being smothered in terror.

I tried to recall the awesome experience of flying with Liam in Samoa, but I didn’t trust my emotions anymore. It wasn’t real. Crap, it wasn’t real enough to keep Liam by my side even when I desperately required his help. If he hadn’t left me would I be such a mess? Was I that weak that I couldn’t get over the crash on my own? Yes, it happened, but I survived.
I survived dang namit! And I’m letting life suck me dry.

I fiddled with my keys, warring with myself to turn the car on and leave, but I couldn’t. I sat there for who knows how long, memorized by the small planes taking off, overshadowed by Jumbos on the larger runway next door.

A rap on my window scared me shitless. My hand flew to my throat and a flash of whiplash made me wince. “Theo?”

His smiling thirty-something weathered face, grinned through the glass. “I’ve been trying to get hold of you, Poppins.” He unlatched my door handle, green eyes flying to mine when he found them locked. “Open the damn door. Don’t make me break it.”

A small smile graced my lips and I stepped out of the car. My neck was mainly healed, which was good considering I could’ve caused some serious damage at his abrupt arrival.

The moment I was free, he squeezed the bejesus out of me.

“Shit, Poppins. I was so worried. I heard all about the crash. You alright?” He broke the embrace and dragged me toward the aeroclub. “Come on. You deserve a drink.”

My heels dug into the driveway gravel. “Um, no, I’m—” How could I tell the most wonderful flight instructor, even if he was a blabbermouth, that I couldn’t fly anymore?

He stopped, eyeing me. “Don’t tell me you let a crash get to you?” He put hands on his hips. “I thought you were stronger than that. What happened to the girl who loves to test the rules of gravity? Who doesn’t care about what others think ‘cause you’ve got your eye so firmly on your dream?”  He sighed. “Why haven’t you called me? You’ve been back two weeks. I know. I checked with Kiwi Air.”

Oxygen was gloppy and hard to breathe. “Theo… I.” I steeled myself. “I can’t go in there. That part of my life is over. Flying almost killed me. It brought me pain and grief.” Then my eyes widened. Theo was friends with Liam. Why hadn’t I thought to ask him if he’d heard anything?

“Well, that is the most stupid bunch of crap I’ve heard you say, yet. So you crashed. I’m sorry. But if you don’t get back on the bike or horse or whatever, you let your fear win. You share the name of a magical nanny, open your little umbrella and fly.” He grabbed my elbow and pulled, giving me no choice but to stumble beside him. “And after all the time and energy I put into training you? I don’t bloody think so, missy. You’re a kickass pilot and you’re gonna get your commercial wings.”

The aeroclub loomed above me. Normally the sight of the logo with red wings on black ground made my step light, eager. Now, it stifled me like I was going to the dentist.

The airplane hangar had been converted to house a bunch of classrooms, meeting rooms, and a small bar nook.

As Theo dragged me across the stark foyer, housing bits of old plane and hanging engines from the ceiling, I asked, “Have you heard from Liam?” Did that sound blasé enough? I hoped so and not my wretched soul desperate to know any snippet of information on him. Was he even still alive?

Theo turned to me, a glint like emerald-fire in his eyes. “
That’s
why I’ve been trying to get hold of you, little lady.”

He
knew?
What did he know?

“Come have a drink with me and I’ll tell you.” Theo pointed to the small open bar.

I managed a nod and settled on a barstool as Theo poured himself a pint. Everything was on an honesty system, and we could serve ourselves. He poured me one, even though I didn’t like beer, and shoved it down the slippery bar like he was a pro.

My hands splattered with sloshing beer and I gave him a small smile. “You’ll never get better at that. I’d stick to flying, and leave the bartending to others.”

He chuckled, taking a seat next to me. He took a long drag of beer before wiping the foam off his upper lip and pinning me with his stare. “Now that I’ve got you here, I’m going to say a few things.” His blond shaggy hair glinted under the lights humming above.

I wanted to slouch into my seat like a wayward student, but a twinge of fire built in me. If he tried to convince me to come back to finish my license, he’d have a fight on his hands. Just the thought of going up stole the air from my lungs.

“Nina.”

Uh oh. He was pissed. Theo
never
used my first name.

“You’ve lost weight. I don’t like it.”

A laugh burst from my mouth. I startled… crap, when was the last time I laughed? “I was in a coma for almost a month. I guess you tend to lose weight.” That wasn’t entirely true, I’d lost more since arriving home. 

“Well, I’m going to stuff you with junk food so get used to grease.” He gave me a soft smile. “And, you’re going to fly again. No arguments.”

Ignoring that, I asked, “You’re not going to ask what happened?” I took a sip of beer, cringing.

“What do I need to know? Kiwi Air 93 crashed. Lives were lost, including crew. And you suffered. Do we really need to talk about something that upsets you?” He touched my wrist. “If it isn’t something you want to relive, then talking about it is pointless.”

I stared into the amber liquid. But if I talked about it, I remembered Liam and what we shared. He captured my thoughts and the loss went away for a bit.

Theo continued, “You asked me about Liam.”

My eyes snapped to his, my skin whizzing with hope. “Yes.”

“I always knew if you two had the chance to get to know each other you’d hit it off.” He stood. “Wait here a moment. I have to go get something.”

Before I could say anything, he charged off to his small office. As second in command in running the aeroclub he inherited a poky closet.

He jogged back with a print out in his hand. Oh God, more paper. The last time I took something to read, I didn’t like the outcome. First, with the news article from Joslyn, and then Liam’s note from Nikolai.

Theo held it out. “Go on, take it.”

I pinched it with unwilling fingers. “What is it?”

He grinned, motioning with his eyebrows for me to read.

I scanned the page. It showed my account with the areoclub. My heart sped up to gallop around my chest. “This can’t be right.” My balance, which normally equalled a few hundred for my next flight or exam, had exploded to over thirty thousand dollars. The exact amount, not including the ten thousand from the pay out from Kiwi Air, I needed to pass my commercial license. Chills pinpricked my spine. “Where did this cash come from? Someone must have made a mistake.”

He shook his head. “I checked when I saw it a week ago. It’s not a mistake. It’s yours.”

 “That can’t be true. I don’t have that sort of money.”

“It came from Liam. With explicit instructions the money is to be used in the next six months to finish your license.”

My eyes flew wide. “Liam
paid
for me? He can’t do that.” The memory of him telling me on the beach, just before we awoke, crashed into me. He wanted to pay for me. It was a business expense. I jumped off my stool. “Do you know where he is? Has he done it?” Was he opening his business? How could he though, he didn’t know how to fly…unless… did he remember? Damn him for not having a phone or an address or
something
so I could track him down.

“I don’t know what you mean by ‘has he done it?’ but I’m telling you everything I know. The transfer came through with a few lines of instruction from the bank. That’s it. I can’t even track where the money was deposited from. If I knew, I’d go and speak to the man myself. I heard about his injury and hope he’s not wallowing somewhere. I’d help him relearn in a heartbeat if he needed help.” He yanked the paper out of my hands. “But he’s given you a gift. You don’t have to go back to work for Kiwi Air. You and me, we can focus on your lessons fulltime. You’re so close. Don’t stop. Don’t let fear win.”

Anger blossomed. “I don’t want to let the fear win, Theo. But it has. I get shaky and clammy when I think of going up there again. I don’t think I can.” Why did Liam pay for me? He must’ve known I’d struggle with going back, or was I just being a big wuss and making it a lot harder? The money taunted me—if I could find the courage, I could be fully qualified in months. I could leave for good. But I couldn’t leave. I’d have to find a way to pay Liam back. I wouldn’t take his money.

A small trickle of who I’d been before the crash settled into me. Liam gave me the tools to turn from airhostess to commercial pilot. The knowledge he believed in me, even when he wasn’t with me, slowly unlocked my prison of terror.

Theo stood and pulled me into a hug.

I froze. Two hugs in one day… wow.

“I love it when I witness that.”

I pulled back. “Witness what?”

“The passion seeping back in. I see the spark that is Nina Poppins building again. She’s in there… you just need to move forward.”

I dropped my eyes. Was Theo right? Was the tickling, unfurling sensation inside the real me breaking free?

If Liam could face dealing with a brain injury on his own, I could go back to who I truly was. I wasn’t a moper or a weak-willed scared little thing. I loved heat and dance. I loved color and corsets. I loved flying and… Liam. My eyes widened as I made the connection. Flying equalled Liam. In a roundabout stupid way, I associated my loss of Liam with the loss of flying. God, I was screwed up. If anything, flying would bring me closer to Liam. Being inside a cockpit would remind me of him. And it would give me back my future.

“You’re right,” I murmured.

Theo cocked his head. “Oh, I like it when you say that. Say it again.” He laughed.

The banter that flowed so easily between us came back, and for the first time since I awoke from fantasy-Liam-land, I grasped the small ribbon of happiness. “You’re right. I will fly again.”

He clapped his hands. “Excellent. No time like the present.” Holding his hand out, he said, “The sky awaits you, Poppins. Let’s see if you can tame her.”