Codependent No More Workbook (12 page)

I love it when I hear people talk about spending a few extra seconds in bed each morning, or beginning their day by getting on their knees and praying so they can daily turn their life and will over to the care of God. It’s an excellent way to begin any day. When I start the day with my Higher Power, things go better. I’m more prepared to handle whatever comes my way.

Simple rituals can help us remember the new way of life we’re striving to live. How could there be a better way to start each day than with a conscious choice to turn our life and will over to God?

Many people in recovery group Steps One, Two, and Three together. These three Steps work great as daily problem-solving tools. We encounter a person, problem, or situation. It doesn’t matter how big or little. What matters is that it’s more powerful than we are, and it’s taking over our lives.

When that something happens, we admit we can’t control it and that things get crazy when and if we try. We recall that there’s a Power greater than ourselves
who knows our name and cares enough about us to reach down and help us. Then we acknowledge that there’s a loving path through whatever this problem is, and we surrender to God’s plan and will for us. Then we trust that where we’re going isn’t an accident or a mistake. It’s the perfect destiny for us.

After years of practice, we can become so skilled at applying this trio to any situation we can’t control that it becomes a habitual reaction. We can get so good at this that we can apply Steps One through Three in the right order in five minutes or less. It’s a winning behavior trio that helps us think straight and smoothly move through whatever life sends to us.

You’ll be surprised at how effective these three Steps can be as a first-line approach to whatever life throws our way.

But how do I know if what I’m doing is my will or God’s will for me? How do I know the difference between self-will and divine will?

Hush. Don’t worry about that now. The answers to those questions will come later, with another Step. Work on developing a realistic relationship with control and power, admit when you’re tangling with someone or something more powerful than you, and remember that you don’t have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Let go. Acknowledge that God cares, that you need to do your part in taking care of yourself, and then give God control over your life.

First things first.
Before you decide what you’re going to do, choose who the director of your life will be. God or you? The details will come after that.

Before we end this lesson, another aspect of this Step needs to be stressed. It’s going to be difficult, if not impossible, to turn our will and lives over to the care of anything or anyone unless we trust what is controlling and caring for our life. This Step calls for a big leap of faith.

Many of us have endured abuse of all kinds. We may have been lied to and betrayed, or had to surrender to cruel and inhuman treatment of all kinds. How can we trust a Higher Power who let those events occur?

The answer is simple but not easy: We make a decision to trust our Higher Power one day at a time.

Life is going to be life. It will do what it does. Look back at history and the stories of people on a spiritual quest. Not many have had it easy. Not many people seem to be given everything they wanted without big losses, disappointments, or betrayals.

I can recall the first time in recovery when life threw a nasty, ugly problem my way. I went to my counselor, complaining about my difficulty. My counselor responded with that classic answer, “Nobody ever said it was going to be easy.”

That may be true, but nobody ever told me it was going to be as hard as it’s been. For a long time, I felt tricked and betrayed. You may not have to go through any hard, horrible experiences. But then again, you may have to endure more pain than you thought you could.

When my son died, I became furious with God and life. It doesn’t get much more painful than that. Or it might. All my children could have died, and I could have lost both legs. Usually, when bad things happen, it could have been worse. But that doesn’t do much to help our pain.

I’ve been incredibly blessed in recovery, and at times I’ve been painfully cursed. My first fifteen years, I lived in poverty. After my son died, I cried every day for the next eight years. I’ve seen wonderful things happen to people, as well as terrible tragedies. There are no guarantees, but chances are that at some point, life is going to hurt like hell. That person or thing you valued most may be what you’re going to lose. You may have to live without the one thing you said you couldn’t or wouldn’t. The blessings are going to be better than you can imagine, but you may also go through pain that’s so intense you think it couldn’t get any worse.

That’s the truth about the spiritual path. Go in, eyes wide open. Don’t worry about what will occur and when. The things we worry about aren’t usually the ones that happen. The things that cause the most pain will catch us by surprise some ordinary Saturday afternoon, and life will never again be the same. Or the phone will ring in the middle of the night with news that changes your life. Or just when you think life couldn’t get any better, you’ll be blindsided and you won’t have any control. To make it worse, people may not be compassionate. They may think it’s your fault even though it’s not. If they think it happened to you because you did something wrong, then they’ll think they’re safe and it won’t happen to them. Few people are skilled at being truly compassionate and comforting of people in grief. You may have to learn to comfort yourself.

That’s when you’ll learn the real meaning of
doing your own work.

I hope you’re the exception. But if that difficult and painful thing happens, remember that somebody warned you that it might. Do you have the chutzpah to go about your daily business, turning your life and will over to the care of your Higher Power, knowing that God is real, and so omnipotent and all-powerful He could have prevented it from happening, but didn’t? That you can still trust Him anyway, because by now you know that’s the only way you’ll get through?

Good. I’m glad we got that out of the way.

Make every moment count. None of us knows how much time we have left or what lies ahead. But we can’t live our lives worrying about who might die or what tragedies might happen. That’s no way to live. Be present each moment for yourself and the people you love. Grace is like breathing. We can’t get ahead of ourselves; we only get the breath we need now, and we only get one breath at a time. We won’t get grace to go through problems that haven’t happened, but we’ll get it when and if they occur.

Let go and let God
take you through your destiny. Know you’re loved, and that no matter what happens to you, you’re not alone. It’s happened to other people too.

The grass isn’t greener on the right side, the left side, ahead of us, or behind us. And so what if it is? You’ve got to tend to your own matters. When good things happen to someone else, they didn’t get your stuff. Don’t waste your time envying or resenting them. Unless you broke a law and you’re getting a legitimate legal
consequence, know that if something bad happens, you’re not being singled out or punished for anything you’ve done.

When you get to the top of that mountain and then down the other side, the next one will appear on your path. When you master one lesson, the next course will begin, and sometimes it will start before you’ve had time to catch your breath. That’s the way life is. We go through one spiritual lesson after another until the wheat is separated from the chaff and we’ve been refined.

I’ve learned to redefine happiness too. Happiness is not the lack of problems or pain. Happiness is surrendering to every feeling that comes along and being at peace with what is, even if I’m feeling white-hot rage. I’ve noticed something surprising. Often the people who have lost the most are the happiest after they get through their grief. That’s because they dropped their illusions about life and learned to accept life on life’s terms.

Embrace your destiny. Learn what true happiness is. It’s okay to get angry and even enraged with your Higher Power. It’s a personal relationship, and if you didn’t get upset from time to time, then you’re probably not being honest and real.

This program isn’t going to turn you into some weird geek. It’s going to polish and refine you. It’s absolutely okay to be who you are. That’s who you were created to be. Love, trust, and cherish that person, the unique piece of divinity you are. God created you with your gifts and strengths, your flaws and imperfections. Everything about you has been thoughtfully designed by the Creator, and you’re a true work of art. There’s a plan for your life. Don’t worry about what it is. As they say in the program,
More shall be revealed.
You’ll know what you need to know when it’s time.