Code Blues (27 page)

I'd shattered the mood. If only I could have
let it go. But it was a valid point. Who gets off, thinking about
herpes? I'd never had a cold sore in my life. I wasn't going to
enjoy having them in my nether region. I shifted again.

"Hope," Alex said, at last.

I nodded, unlocked my throat. "Uh-huh."

He didn't move. The air conditioning stirred
his hair. His eyes were the darkest grey, almost black. "I told you
not to think."

"Sorry." I squeaked a little on the last
syllable.

"You will be." Swift as a snake, he grabbed
my thighs and flipped me over on to my stomach. I screamed into his
blanket, tried to roll back onto my back, but he lay on top of me,
pinning me down and grabbing my wrists again.

I raised my head to scream louder. He
abandoned my wrists to clap a hand around my mouth. "It's all
right, Hope." He kissed my neck.

His lips were gentle. I calmed a little. My
pulse still fluttered in my throat.

Holding my wrists at my waist with a single
hand, he ran his fingers down each arm, slowly, lightly. Under my
sleeves, the hairs on my arms raised up and I trembled. Then he
shifted, kneeling on my thighs and leaning his weight on me. "You
are a beautiful woman, Hope."

Ryan never told me I was beautiful. He said
I was pretty. And my parents didn't believe in commenting on looks,
because brains were more important. It felt very good to hear I was
beautiful. I relaxed into Alex's touch. He slid down my legs so he
could caress my upper thighs. I arched against his fingers.

"But you think too much." Alex flipped up my
skirt and slapped my bare ass.

My entire body went rigid. "Stop—"

He slapped me again, harder. "And you talk
too much."

"Alex—"

"What did I just say?" And then he spanked
me hard, even though I tried to protest and wriggle away.

When it felt like my bum must be glowing
red, and I cried out, he stopped and caressed the skin he had just
hit. I quivered.

He turned me over on my back. He studied me
once more. I stared back at him. I felt like he had seen me, all of
me, the way no one ever had in my life.

Then he bent his head, flipped my skirt up,
and ate me until I came once, twice, and begged him not to a third
time, because I was too sensitive.

Alex came back up to face level. He was
breathing hard. His forehead was beaded with sweat, and his hair
clung to his temples. His shirt was ringed with sweat around the
armpits. Good. It meant that he wasn't as in control as he
pretended.

He kissed me, using his tongue. I flinched.
After what he'd been doing—but he tasted musky and sweet. It didn't
feel wrong. He kissed me long and deep. Then he pushed the shirt
off my shoulders and brushed the open bra aside. He toyed with the
button at the waist of my skirt, but then left it alone. "I like
it," he said, in response to my questioning look.

I reached for his shirt hem. It was the
first time I was initiating something with him, and I felt shy. But
he didn't move away, so I lifted his T-shirt up and over his
head.

He was thin and pale, after Ryan's glowing
brown skin. But Alex was more muscular than I'd expected, with
defined arms and the more than a suggestion of abs. Not enough that
he looked like a gym freak. Just right. I ran my hands over his
shoulders. He had some wiry brown hair on his chest, and even a
sprinkling on each shoulder, which made me laugh. He was a lot
hairier than Ryan.

Alex kissed me. "What's so funny?"

I shook my head. Talking about exes was
verboten. I sure didn't want to hear about Mireille or any of
Alex's other conquests—ugh. Mireille.

Alex took my face in his hands. "Don't.
Think. Do I really have to spank you again?"

I laughed and shook my
head. Trying not to think, I loosened his belt and slid it out from
the loops. This was so intimate, even though I'd thought about
doing it a dozen times. Unbuttoning his pants and unzipping them
was even more scarily intimate. I wanted to close my eyes, but I
was curious, too. I'd never seen a white guy before, except for
online or a peek in a friend's mother's
Playgirl
.

His erection made a tent out of his black
cotton boxer shorts and a wet spot on the front. Again, he wasn't
as in control as he pretended. I gave a brief prayer of thanks that
he didn't wear a thong before he helped me slip the shorts off his
waist.

His penis was redder than I expected—again,
the skin tone difference—and, unlike Ryan, he was circumcised. The
surrounding hair was russet brown. His penis seemed to strain
toward me. A clear drop of fluid beaded at its tip.

I retreated slightly. It was too much. Alex
let me draw away but kept a hand on my shoulder. With the other
hand, he popped open the drawer on his nightstand drawer and handed
me a condom wrapped in neat white plastic.

I handed it back to him. I'd sheathed Ryan
on occasion, but we usually didn't bother because I was on the
pill. And dressing Alex up in a condom was so intimate, you know?
Part of me felt like I didn't know him well enough. Ryan and I had
been good friends before we became lovers. I wasn't sure what Alex
and I were.

Alex laughed and dangled the package in my
face. "Come on. You know how to do it. Didn't you do sex ed with
kids and cucumbers?"

I laughed, too. "Actually, at Western, we
had wooden penises. We only used zucchinis if we ran short. Are you
guys so poor at McGill?"

Alex took my hand and placed the condom in
my palm. "We've got the real thing."

I chewed my lip. But in the end, I've only
ever done one thing with a challenge: face it head on. In more ways
than one, I thought, as Alex's cock reared at my face. I took a
deep breath.

Alex kneeled on the floor so his lower half
dropped out of sight, behind the bed. He drew my head toward him
and kissed me gently. "It's okay, Hope."

When I opened my eyes, his face was softer.
Tender. It helped. I ripped open the package, careful not to pierce
the latex. My hands were steady.

"You're not a virgin, are you?" he
asked.

I shook my head and suppressed a laugh.

He wrapped his fingers in my hair, close to
my scalp. "It's okay if you are. But I'm glad you're not."

I was, too. I couldn't imagine all this as
my first time. It would be like riding around on the carousel for a
few years and leaping on to a roller coaster.

Actually, it was still like that. Except I'd
had a few turns on the log ride first.

That made me smile. Alex smiled back at me.
And I took the condom out and rolled it down on him. His eyes
widened at my touch. He arched into my hands and stood up, into my
face.

I averted my eyes for a second. When I
looked back, his eyes were almost black.

He said thickly, "You're so innocent,
Hope."

I shook my head. I'm
really not. But he wound my hair around his fingers and said, "I
like it. In fact..." His voice lowered even further. "I'm going to
pretend that you
are
a virgin."

Oh. Okay. That was more what I was used to.
I lifted my chin, expecting gentle kisses and delicate undressing.
I was still wearing my skirt.

Alex wound his other hand in my hair and
shoved himself in my face. "Suck. My. Cock."

I jerked back, batting his hands away. He
made me hot, but if I were a virgin, I certainly wouldn't put up
with disrespect.

"I love how your eyes go wide," he said,
almost to himself. He knelt down again, so that we were eye to eye.
"All right. I'll give you a choice. Either suck me off, or I'm
going to fuck you until you pass out." He paused. "Which, given
your inexperience, would probably hurt."

I caught my breath. It probably would hurt.
It had been almost two years since I'd sex with Ryan. I'd come
close a few times, with some other guys. But I was too busy in med
school to bother much with dating, and most guys didn't seem worth
the hassle. Maybe I should have gotten a dildo? My heart was
beating wildly in my chest. I was scared and thrilled and angry and
wetter than I'd ever been in my life.

Ryan pushed his hips forward. I glared at
him for a long, defiant moment. He closed his eyes and extended his
neck, his lips parting in a silent snarl.

Seeing him like that, savage yet vulnerable,
decided me. I bent forward and took him in my mouth. I
half-expected him to try and choke me, but he didn't. He just let
his breath out in a shudder and kept very still while I enveloped
him.

I smiled inside. Alex talked tough, but he
acted with a certain peculiar etiquette in bed.

Tentatively, then with increasing
confidence, I experimented with my mouth and tongue until he froze
and said hoarsely, "Enough."

I lifted my head. He was red-faced, his eyes
glazed with pleasure. His discipline was fraying. I opened my mouth
to do more damage.

He dug his hands into the roots of my hair
and surged deep in my throat. I held my breath and tried to take it
in.

"Oh God, Hope—" He wrested my head away,
breathing hard. His eyes raked me head to toe, and then he buried
his face in the crook of my neck. "You are so fucking sexy, Hope.
You drive me crazy."

I gazed at him from under
my lashes. Being a
femme fatale
had its privileges. I started to unfasten my
skirt, but he covered my hand with his. "Let me." He took a deep
breath and ran his fingers along the line of my cheek. Then he
knelt on the floor to unbutton my skirt. He tugged the zipper down
slowly, watching me. I shivered—the air conditioning, his hungry
eyes, his erection, the wicked improbability of what we were about
to do—and he started licking my breasts as his hands guided my
skirt over my hips and legs and tossed it on to the floor. Gently,
he circled his fingers between my legs, and then inside me, opening
me up, until I choked back a scream.

He laid me back on the bed with infinite
gentleness, stepping between my knees. He paused here with his
hands on my hips. I grabbed his shoulders, hissing, "Yes."

His face darkened. Every muscle in his body
was clamped tight, but he tried to take it slow, to take me
tenderly. As if I were a virgin. I shifted my hips. He sucked his
breath in through his teeth, his eyes stormy, but continued his
gradual pace.

I arched up. I grabbed his ass, trying to
show that he could go harder.

"Say it," he breathed in my ear, his stubble
raking my cheek. "Tell me you want it."

I closed my eyes. It was easier if I didn't
have to look at him. "I...want it."

"Beg me for it."

I buried my face in the sweaty crook of his
neck. I whispered, barely audible, "Fuck me."

With a growl, he did.

We did.

I did.

I screamed so loud, his neighbours probably
called the police.

Afterward, he collapsed on top of me,
released my legs, and kissed me soundly. "That was fantastic." The
word didn't have the same ring as in the subway, pre-sex.

He pulled out, fumbled down south, and the
next thing I knew, a knotted condom sailed through the air and
bounced off the rim of the garbage can. He missed.

He looked at me and shrugged.

I pulled my legs away from him. "I'm cold."
I felt very vulnerable. Was this what it was like, having sex with
someone new? Ryan and I always said, "I love you" afterward. Okay,
we did love each other, whereas Alex and I had only met a few days
ago, but it made me want to cry. Was this all a giant mistake? Yes,
I'd enjoyed myself, I'd gotten laid for the first time in too long
time, but I'd done things with Alex that I'd only fantasized about,
and now he was playing hoops with the used condom?

And Alex was a colleague. How was I going to
act around him at St. Joe's? What if this didn't work out? He'd
seen me naked! He spanked me, for crying out loud!

Not to mention that someone at St. Joseph's
was a murderer. I still didn't believe it was Alex, but this had to
rank as one of the stupidest things I'd done in my life. No wonder
Alex told me not to think. If my brain had been functioning, I
never would have ended up here. I hated myself, a sudden and
furious loathing. I had no one to blame but myself.

I sat up, clutching the blanket to my chest.
"I have to go."

Alex grabbed me in a bear hug and pulled me
down on the bed.

I stiffened, not fighting him, but keeping
my body rigid, even while his legs as well as his arms looped
around me and held me tight.

He said, "You know what, Hope?"

"What?"

"You're thinking too much again."

I had to laugh. It was true. If I didn't
think at all, I'd just relax and have a grand time with Alex. My
body had no complaints. My vag was still pulsating. If I'd been
more of a brainiac, I would have dumped Alex after the café
disappearance.

I'd done neither. I was a deeply flawed,
fish-fowl, happy-sad, human being.

He kissed my forehead. "What's on your
mind?"

"Oh...a few things." Dissing myself
post-coitally was not helpful. Neither was talking about the
murder. I may have been out of the loop for a few years, but I knew
that much.

"Good. Now forget about them."

I laughed again. Alex was so complicated,
but in other ways, he was refreshingly direct.

"In this room," he went on, jabbing the air
with his index finger, "there are only a few appropriate
subjects."

I rolled my eyes. "Let me guess. Sex."

He pressed a big, smacking kiss on my lips.
"Yes! That's one of them. Sex is always appropriate. Want to go two
for two?"

"Oh, okay." I was a bit sore, but I wriggled
against him.

He laughed. "I like the way your mind works.
I was asking for other subjects. But you're right." He grabbed my
bum. "Who cares about other subjects. Sex all the way, baby."