Coco Pinchard's Big Fat Tipsy Wedding: A Funny Feel-Good Romantic Comedy (25 page)

You are the best Chris. Can I have your father’s phone number to thank him?

Coco xxx

Wednesday 11th May
 
15.14

TO: [email protected]

EMAIL FOR HMP CAMBRIA SANDS PRISONER −AG26754 (Adam Rickard)

I finally got your visitor’s order. I am coming to see you on Friday! I have booked the train, and I should be there around eleven.
 

I phoned Chris’ father to say thank you for helping with your transfer.

'Not a problem Coco my dear,’ he said. ‘I’ve known the Governor of Belmarsh for years, old Wedgie Mc Duggan.’

‘Wedgie?’

‘Well, he’s Reginald or Reggie… he has a soft ‘R’ so he was Wedgie when we were at Eton. Poor bugger couldn’t get down the corridors without someone giving him a… a…’

‘Wedgie?’ I said.

‘Yes…’ he guffawed. 'How’s that silk of yours doing?' (He was referring to Natasha.) I told him that she has drawn a blank, an expensive blank.

'Ah, terrible business it all is,' he said. 'And how is Adam?’ I began to tell him but he said another call was coming through and he would have to go, but first Chris’ sister Rebecca wanted to talk to me. I heard some pips as I was being transferred and Rebecca answered.

‘Hello Coco,' she squeaked. 'Christopher saw Mummy and me for lunch yesterday and was telling us all about your snug little bijou!' I had to rack my brain and then I realised he must have told her about the poo bag tea lights.

'I’ve got something here that may interest you,’ she said. ‘We just took a stand down that we were running at the Ideal Home Exhibition and we have a string of fairy lights and some other bits and bobs left over. Maybe you want them for your little garden?'

It felt distinctly like charity, but I thought a row of fairy lights would be nice, so I said okay.

'Super Coco, give me your address and I’ll get one of the chaps to deliver.' I said that posting the stuff would be fine but she insisted.
 

That afternoon I was cleaning the bedroom when the door buzzer went. Four guys were stood outside in Cheshire Ltd boiler suits. They introduced themselves and said they were making a delivery. I opened the back door for them and went back to my hoovering. After half an hour, I was wondering why they hadn’t said goodbye. I came through to the back door, and stared. The concrete strip had been cleared, and lush and very realistic fake grass had been laid. Above it, a long net canopy of LED fairy lights hung fastened on poles.
 

It was a garden.

‘How much will this cost?’ I asked suddenly panicking. The guys looked up from fastening the last corner down of the fake grass.

'Nothing,' said one of them. ‘This was all meant for landfill. You should see the lovely gear we have to throw away. Do you want some plants?'

They took me out to a lorry that was filled with all of the leftovers from corporate events and private parties. I spent the next half an hour choosing freebies. I came away with some long trays of soil with real bamboo shoots, which were around waist height, four tall Yuccas in lovely earthenware pots, and three tiny cherry trees still with pink blossom.

The real coup was the seating! Have you seen those kind of low squishy outdoor chairs that are all the rage? I got two large white ones (they were branded all over with the words MOET & CHANDON) I also got a matching low table.
 

When they had carted it all through the house for me, I didn’t know what to say. I had little money left from my budget for a decent tip, so I gave them each a bottle of £1.49 wine.

‘Oh is this the stuff from the Organic Vineyard?’ said one of the guys. ‘The Boss is trying to get hold of it.’

‘Yes,’ I lied. ‘Yes, it’s very crisp.’
 
I said goodbye and they left looking thrilled.

I arranged the seats and dotted the bamboo and yuccas against the fences, and when it was dark, I switched on the canopy of fairy lights. It was stunning. I covered up the terraced houses at the edge of my vision and it could almost pass for some tiny exotic rooftop nightspot. I came inside to get my cigarettes and noticed a high whining sound. I followed it to the electricity cupboard and pulled it open to see the meter whirring round like the clappers and the numbers going up and up and up. I quickly turned off the outside lights and settled for my poo bags.
 

I was sunbathing this morning, when I heard the buzzer go. I picked the barking Rocco up, and opened the door.

It was Marika.
 

I was a little taken aback to see her after so long (it’s been just over six weeks since I slapped her round the chops).

'Hi,' she said.

'Hello,’ I said. We looked at each other for a moment.
 

'Can I come in?' she said.

‘Sure,’ I stood aside to let her pass and closed the door behind her. She put her bag on the kitchen counter and went to shrug off her shoes.

'Don’t worry about those,' I said. 'Have you seen the state of the carpet?' She knelt down to cuddle Rocco and he rolled over and lay back whilst she scratched his stomach.
 

‘Do you want a coffee?’ I said. She nodded.

'It’s nice Coco,' she said as I led her through to my new garden. 'But this is, well it’s just like the champagne stand at the Ideal Home Exhibition…'
 

'I think it
was
the Champagne stand at the Ideal Home Exhibition,' I said.

We sat down in the Champagne seats and took a sip of our coffees. There was then a silence.

'I’m sorry if I suggested that Adam was guilty,’ she said.
 

‘I’m sorry, really sorry that I slapped you round the face,’ I said.

We sat in the sun for another moment.

'Coco, this feels inevitable telling you this,' she said. ‘But me and Greg, we broke up.'

'I’m sorry,' I said lighting us each a cigarette and passing one over to her.

‘I broke up with him… I suppose it was just another ‘Marika fling’ as you and Chris say.’

'I don’t say that.’

'I’ve heard you and Chris use that expression before.'

‘Well I’m sorry.’

'Are you? Really? I just feel like you and Chris prefer me single, silly single Marika. You haven’t even asked what happened.'

‘Give me a chance! What happened?'

'He’s married with kids.'

‘How many?’

‘Five.’

‘Five?’

‘Yeah. They all live in Forest Hill. Five minutes down the road for god’s sake!

‘And you didn’t know?’

‘Course I didn’t, I’m a fool. I wondered why he always kept popping out to check his lottery tickets, Saturday, Sunday, then the mid-week draw.'

'How did you find out?' I said.

'We were in Tesco, and he asked me to help him fill out a lottery ticket. He didn’t know how. Then it all came out…’

‘I’m sorry, really.’ I said. I reached out and squeezed her hand.

‘I’ve missed you Coco,’ she said getting teary. ‘You could have called me.’

'Marika… If you remember, I was going through the stuff with Adam. It’s taken you six weeks to come over.'

'You were the one who slapped me! I never laid a finger on you.'

'Adam had just been sent to prison! What did you expect? I could have done with you. Really.'

'I just feel like I’m in this box with you and Chris, ‘oh it’s only Marika, her life is a mess she loves to get drunk and then sleep with wildly inappropriate guys who then rip out her heart and smear it down the wall.’’

‘I’ve definitely never said that.’

‘Well, it’s true, I’m always getting my heart broken, and I never learn anything.’

‘That’s not true… At least you know how to fill in a Lottery ticket.' She looked at me, and then we both burst out laughing.

‘Your a bitch Coco.’

‘And you’re an even bigger bitch Marika… Do you want to stay for beans on toast on my Ideal Home Exhibition stand?' I grinned. She grinned back at me. I had a feeling things were going to be okay between us. We got chatting outside in the warm evening, and we stayed up so late she ended up sleeping over on the sofa.
 

One weird thing happened though. The next morning, just before she left for her dog walking, she said she’d had vivid dreams all night of an old lady dusting the bookshelves behind the sofa. I told her I’ve had the same dream.

‘Just goes to show how exciting our lives have become,’ she said.

It’s true, I have had the same dream three times now… Anyway, I think my mind is wandering too much with all this free time. I can’t wait to see you on Friday.

All my love - Coco xxx
 

Saturday 21st May
 
17.12

TO: [email protected]

I just had to tell you about my first visit to see Adam. The London part of the journey was okay — we zipped past the new Olympic Stadium and through Essex. Then when I had to change trains in Norwich, the world seemed to take on a slower drawn out pace.
 

I asked a guard if the train pulling up was the one for Cambria Sands and he looked at me if I’d asked him something mind boggling then said, 'uuuuuuy dunt naaaaaaaaw, that muuuuyyt be.’

 
Luckily it was. The train creaked and groaned its way out of Norwich and soon we were lost in the flat bleak and misty fens. Alongside us ran rippling grey waterways with brown reeds swaying lethargically in the wind. For some reason the rail wasn’t in a straight line and we wound our way through the waterways.

I was the only person who got off the train at Cambria Sands Station. It was misty and cold and the wind was screaming across a flat expanse of bare grass from the sea far in the distance. The station was just a concrete platform on stilts.
 

As the train creaked off into the mist, I pulled out my phone and called one of the taxi numbers advertised on a rusting sign. Ten minutes later and completely frozen, I saw on the horizon a taxi speeding toward me. I noticed the only way off the platform was a thick rusty set of steps. I climbed down and got in. The Driver cheerily asked, ‘where to?’ and didn’t bat an eyelid when I said the prison.

 
We drove towards the sea, and after a few minutes, the prison came into view on the horizon. What shocked me the most was that there were no gates or razor wire, and we pootled up to the house as if we were on a jaunt to a National Trust property.
 

‘This is the right place?’ I said.

‘An Open Prison don’t have high walls. The prisoners are trusted to stay,’ said the Driver.

I imagined Adam walking out with me, and us going on the run. I think the driver saw the look in my eye.

‘Course if they’re caught, they spent the rest of their sentence rotting in a Category A,’ he said. I thanked him and he dropped me in the full car park.

The process of security checks was similar to Belmarsh, but once through I was shown into a visitor’s area, which more resembled a library coffee shop, with comfortable chairs and low tables. Visiting times are in shifts so there were only around fifteen inmates with visitors. Adam looked better than when I last saw him. We hugged long and hard, and we were even able to walk hand in hand to a vending machine where I bought him six Kit-Kats and five cans of Coke.

'Are you sure?' he said as it all clunked into the tray at the bottom of the machine. I leant in and gave him a long sweet kiss. We sat back down and he said he had news. I perked up thinking it was good news.

'I’ve decided not to appeal,' he said.

'What!' The room turned to look at us.

'Now just hear me out,' he said. 'Natasha came to visit me yesterday.’

'Nice of her to tell me.’

'She’s billed nearly four thousand for three paralegals who haven’t really found any other evidence. There are a few inaccuracies from the forensic computing analysts…’

‘Why isn’t she looking into Sabrina Jones! It’s her, she’s the one who took the money!’

‘She said they have checked her; they’ve run a credit and a background check. She’s clean.’

‘She is not!’

‘Coco. Please…’

'Why are you doing this? Why are just lying down and accepting defeat?' I said.

'If I do appeal, I go back to Belmarsh. A new trial could take months, or be put off, and then I would have to go through being re-categorised again and without Chris’ dad helping me it could be months.'

'So you just want to stay in jail?'

'Yeah, Coco it’s just so wonderful.' His brow furrowed and he reached out and held my hand.
 

'I have my own cell here. They don’t even call it a cell it’s called my room… I can go for walks, see the sea. I’m working in the admin office. In a few months I will be enhanced and have even more freedom, and then next spring I’ll be able to go out. We can go on visits, I can even come and see you in your flat.'

'But it’s four years!' I shrilled.

'Coco. Please,’ he said his voice low. 'If I’m going to get through this without killing myself then this is the only way.'

This pulled me up short. I took his other hand.

‘What? Have you thought about….'

'Yes, only once though. You being there for me is the only thing keeping me going.' I looked into his eyes at all the pain and the hurt.

'Okay,' I said. ‘Okay. No appeal.'

'And you’re not going to stalk that girl Sabrina,' he added. 'I heard all about you going to her house.'

'From who?'

'Ethel. She writes to me every week.'

'She does?'

'Yes, She’s not all bad.'

And that’s how we had to end the conversation as the bell rang. I held him for as long as I could, pressing my face into his warm chest. He put his face in my neck, and then he had to go.

It was only when I went to get my coat that I realised the top of my jumper was wet with his tears.

The journey home was a slow horrible reverse. Luckily it’s now light and I didn’t have to wait on the windy platform in the dark. I got home just before ten; Rocco was so pleased to see me.

   
Thursday 26th May
 
18.11

   
TO: [email protected]