Coco Chanel Saved My Life (28 page)

“I'm here to pick up a dress…”

“Of course! The Visconti wedding… we apologize again for the delay. Are you the bride, dear?”

“Oh, no… I'm just the wedding planner. I'm not married.”

“And what are you waiting for?” She smiled, leading me to a large room full of dresses.

“Hmm, perhaps for the right man?” I giggled.

“Yes, that is definitely a very important part,” she said, while taking the dress down from the rack, “and I hope you find him soon, my dear. A beautiful girl like you should wear one of our dresses!”

“Well… if it should happen, I promise, I won't forget.” I said, taking the package and heading to the door.

“Good luck, darling!”

“Thank you…” I answered, slightly embarrassed. Even the showroom manager had reminded me that it wasn't fun to be single. Thanks a lot everybody!

When I got home I hung the dress up in a safe place and watched some TV.

Just before making my usual boring, sad little salad, I had an insane fantasy… I was almost thirty-four and had never tried on a wedding dress! It's true, I had always detested weddings and because of my luck with men, I didn't risk having one… but why not go ahead and try it on? If only to see how it would look on me… just for curiosity. Afterwards, I would put it back in its plastic bag and safely deliver the dress to its legitimate owner. A clean job. The bride, if I remembered correctly, should have been about my size.

I made my decision. I took it out of the plastic bag and carefully laid it down on my bed. I slowly opened the zipper. The dress was made of off-white silk and layers of chiffon; the bustier was hand-embroidered with tiny pearls. It was beautiful.

I calmly undressed and put it on, being very careful not to spoil it.

I stood in front of the mirror for a long moment. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion: to wear a wedding dress made all my cynicism waver. Perhaps I wanted this too. Maybe after all I did want an unforgettable and romantic wedding.

My reverie was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell… it must be Claudio. He would die laughing, if he saw me dressed like this!

“Coming!” I struggled to reach the door, being extra careful not to step on the hem of the long dress, “you won't believe this…” I said, totally expecting to see my friend with an expression of surprise on his face.

“Hi!” It wasn't Claudio. It was the last person I expected to see at my door.

Instead, there was Niccolò, in his usual dark suit and holding a bottle of wine.

“What are you doing here?” I was shocked.

“I tried to reach you several times, but you didn't answer me. So I found your address and here I am!” He flashed one of his most winning smiles.

“Who let you in the building?” If he had buzzed, I would have left him to rot in the street.

“A strange lady with a feathered hat who was coming out…”

“What do you want?”

“But, are you getting married?” Incredulous, he stared at the wedding dress.

“No… It's a long story. Anyway, it's none of your business! So, what do you want?”

“Don't you want to let me in?” He was almost begging.

At this point he was there, at my door. I felt I didn't have a choice. After all, I was a polite young lady.

“Give me a few minutes to change.”

I quickly put on a pair of pants and a t-shirt and joined him in the kitchen.

He was trying to open the wine he had brought.

“Would you like a glass?”

“Wait… you're here to offer me some wine?”

“No, you're right…” he was looking for two glasses. He behaved like he was at home. This began to get on my nerves. He didn't have the right to behave like this. Not any more.

“So? I am waiting…” my voice was shaking with anger and I felt a strange tingling in my hands.

“I'm sorry. I need to explain… I've come to talk to you.”

“Talk to me! There is nothing left to talk about.”

“Look, I know you're angry with me, Coco…”

“And don't call me ‘Coco', and no, I'm definitely not angry with you. It's simple: you don't exist any more. I've deleted you from my life and don't want to have anything to do with you.”

He stood there looking at me, motionless.

“So many things have happened, Co… Rebecca. I know I behaved badly with you,”

I interrupted him. “You've been a total asshole.”

“You're right. I deserve your insults and your anger. But I've changed a lot. I am a different person now.” Has Niccolò changed? I had my doubts.

“I don't care. I don't want anything to do with either your old self or your new self!”

“You're being cruel, Rebecca. Let me at least explain to you.” So now the tormenter was calling the victim cruel? Had the world turned upside down? “Let me explain,” he continued, “recently I understood so many things, especially about you and me. I see now that I got it all wrong with you. I made a terrible mistake. I should never have let you go. There really was something special between us.”

“Interesting. I thought that I wasn't special enough for you, that somehow I wasn't the woman for you to love. Isn't this why you dumped me for one of my girlfriends?”

“I know, it was an unforgivable mistake. You were the right one for me all along, not her.”

I observed him more closely. He had deep dark circles under his eyes and he seemed to have lost weight. The collar of his shirt wasn't perfectly ironed like usual, and he had two days growth of beard. All of a sudden everything was clear. Anna flirting with another man… Niccolò come to apologize…

“She left you, right?” I asked, and couldn't help a sarcastic smile.

“Well, no… not exactly…”

“She betrayed you and then she left you. For once just be honest with me!”

Ah! Anna had really behaved as the ideal woman… way to go, girl! Applause! By that point I couldn't help laughing.

“Yes, she has… we decided we weren't made for each other. That's when I've realized that you were the right woman…”

“Oh, for god's sake, stop it, Niccolò. At least have some dignity. She found someone better and left you. And now you come to me, tail between your legs, because you find yourself all alone.”

He was speechless.

“And I can tell you this; I wouldn't know what to do with a man like you! A man who decided that he preferred another woman – who turned out to be the wrong woman – just because of a pair of beautiful legs and blonde hair. You are pathetic. If you had come back to me only a few months ago, I would have taken you back with open arms. Can you believe how stupid I am? I was ready to humiliate myself just to be with you again. I cried so much for you that I thought my tears would never end.”

“Wait… I don't…” He tried to say something, but I didn't let him finish.

“But now things have changed. I'm not the funny, fragile little Coco any more, whose heart you broke. I really don't need someone like you – ever.”

He tried to touch my arm, but I moved away.

“Please, leave… get out of my house. Now.” I said, pointing to the door.

“Ok, but you are making a big mistake, Rebecca.” He recovered some of his arrogance. “If you let me go now, I may not come back.”

“Well, I'll get over it. Don't worry.” I stared at him ferociously and opened the door.

“Think about it, Rebecca.”

“Believe me. I've thought about all of this enough. I'm not interested in you. By the way, don't you know that seeing a woman in her bride dress before the wedding brings bad luck?” I was giggling.

He looked down and stepped into the hallway, defeated. “We were such a
great team
…” he whispered.

“Maybe we
were
. But now I'm doing this on my own.

I closed the door and kept still to recover from my anger. I did the right thing. I was proud of myself. My heart felt lighter, finally free from a little stone that had been stuck in it for a long time.

I went over to the kitchen table and I poured a glass of wine from the bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon Niccolò had brought. I toasted to freedom, to all the wrong men and to the right man, who sooner or later would come.

In order to be irreplaceable one must be unique
. Chanel was right.

I was tired of always feeling inadequate, of being the second choice, or not the woman of
his
dreams.

I felt fine just the way I was. I was unique, and I wasn't going to change for any man, or transform myself into whatever he wanted.

The love of my life should take me the way I am: strong and fragile, self-confident, but also needing attention. A woman who knew what she wanted, but most of all, who knew what she didn't want.

I'd spent most of my life trying to be someone else, to respond to my lovers' desires. At last I discovered that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I actually liked myself. Months had passed and now I felt comfortable with both my mind and body, at ease with my work and my friends. I'd found a balance, and I was ready to face my future with a positive fighting spirit and enthusiasm.

Milan had become my home, although I often thought of Paris. At the end of a difficult day, when I felt nostalgic, I imagined walking along the beautiful Parisian boulevards, or looking at the Seine flowing by, or sitting on a bench at the Jardin du Luxembourg to enjoy the soft breeze.

There, in Paris, I'd started over. I wondered if Coco Chanel also had felt new and powerful when she had arrived in the Ville Lumiere, with a few francs in her pocket and her little hats to sell.

Like Chanel, after every and each one of my disappointments, I focused on work, getting better at it every day.

I'd begun to love the weddings I organized. Each one of them had a promise, the desire of sharing a dream, the will to be together for better or for worse. In a few months I'd become the most passionate wedding planner in all the agency. At times I even felt deeply moved at some of the ceremonies I attended.

Yes, I still wanted to fall in love again, but I felt I wasn't ready yet. Etienne's deep blue eyes, unforgotten, continued to live in a little corner of my heart.

One afternoon like many others, I was climbing a step ladder to reach a high shelf, when one of my pearl strings got caught in a nail. I gently pulled at the necklace, but in a few seconds hundreds of white pearls fell to the floor, like a waterfall – a disaster!

I got down from the ladder and crouched on the floor to try and gather them up. I was under my desk when I saw two beautiful hands coming closer to mine. They were smooth, with long and elegant fingers. I couldn't ever forget those hands.

I slowly turned, still on my knees, and I recognized his unmistakable scent and saw the same sweet smile.

“What…! You…? you are here!” My voice was shaking with emotion.

“I'm here for you, Coco. I need to talk to you.” He stood, offering his hand to help me get up.

I looked at him. He was more handsome than ever.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted desperately to kiss him, but at the same time I wanted to run away.

“I didn't know you were in Milan.” I avoided his gaze.

“I've just arrived. I knew I would find you here. Paolo told me you are putting in a lot of hours these days.”

I began to feel nervous. I wanted to end this painful conversation quickly. “What do you want, Etienne?”

I had thought many times how it would be to see him again. Well, now I knew. I wasn't angry. I felt hurt and sad, but a feeling for him was still there – something powerful and overwhelming.

“I can't stop thinking about you, Coco. Day and night. Since you left Paris, my days seem to last an eternity. Every morning spent at work without passing you in the hallway of the agency, is like a morning wasted. I miss you. I miss everything about you: your smile, your scent, the coffee cups you left on your desk… even your tweed jackets.”

I couldn't help smiling.

“Without you nothing in my life seems to have a reason. I have lost my enthusiasm for wine, food, sunsets, and my long road trips… Nothing has flavour any more. Nothing makes sense.”

I wanted to hug him tightly and confess that I felt exactly the same. I also woke up every morning thinking of him. I too didn't taste flavours and scents any more. I couldn't laugh without seeing his smile. At that moment I just wanted to get lost in his kisses.

But I didn't. I needed to know the truth.

“Did you leave Juliette?”

“I… Well, look Coco, it's not that simple. There are many things I didn't tell you about her, about us… Please, try to understand…”

“What's there to understand? I think it's pretty clear…”

“No, not really, it's complicated. The letter you read… the wedding. I can't… I couldn't find the way to… not yet…”

I looked at him, with a deep growing sense of disappointment and I could feel the tears in my eyes.

“I'm sorry, Etienne. It can't work. If you are not ready, right now, to choose me; if you're not ready to make me the only one…”

“Wait!” He interrupted me. “Give me some more time…”

“Wait for what? Love is not something you decide in theory, on a rational level… you can only
live
love. When you're in love, you have to jump without a parachute, you have to take risks, even the risk of losing everything. You don't have the courage to risk anything, Etienne.”

He grabbed my arm, “Please, at least give me some hope…”

I moved his hand away, but I held it tightly for a few seconds. Then I turned to take my handbag and jacket, and I left – for a second time.

*

The next day was Claudio's birthday and we'd all decided to have dinner together. We'd booked a very chic restaurant and we wanted to dress up for the occasion.