Closely Guarded Secret (16 page)

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nable to concentrate, I stare at my computer’s blank screen. Today’s revelation has left me numb and cold. Crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head sounds like a good idea, but it won’t solve anything. Needing comfort only my mother can give, I pull out my phone and call her. “Hi, Mom. How are you?” I ask solemnly.

“Ali, what’s wrong?” She picks up on my mood instantly.

“Oh, Mom.” Unable to keep my emotions under control, I break down.

“Sweetie, what is it? Hush now. Tell me.” Her voice soothes me and all I want right now is to be cocooned in her comforting arms.

“Some things have been happening lately. Good things, but now . . .” I cry again.

“Ali, calm down and tell me what’s happened,” she commands using her Mom voice, but I hear her underlying fear and panic.

I try to get a handle on my emotions. “For quite awhile I’ve experienced pain with my periods. During the last couple of years it’s gotten worse.”

“Have you been to the doctor? What did she say?”

“I saw her today.”

“Alixandra Jayde Quinn. Why did you wait so long to go and why am I just now hearing about this?” She never uses my full name unless she’s upset.

“I don’t know. I was busy with my job. I never found the time.” I’m such a liar.

“So you found the time to go today?”

“Because the pain doesn’t happen every time I was hoping it was cramps, but this month the pain was so severe it scared me enough to call Dr. Warner.”

“You promised when you moved away, you’d take care of yourself and get regular check ups. Steven promised me to look after you. What happened to those promises, Ali?” Oh shit, she’s really mad.

“I’ve already beaten myself up over this. Don’t be mad at Steven. He only did what I asked him to, which was to leave it alone.”

“What did the doctor say?” Her demeanor is calmer.

“She wants to do a laparoscopy.”

“Okay. When?”

“All surgeries are on Mondays but I haven’t scheduled mine.”

“Alright, I’ll fly in on Sunday.”

“Mom, no. I can get through this. Besides, I’m going to put it off a week.”

“Why would you put something like this off?”

Should I tell her about Bryce? I know it’ll make her angry that I want to put it off because I want to see him this weekend. “I’ve met someone.”

Silence.

Her voice is quiet as she talks, “I see. You’re going to put off doing something that will save your life because of a man. Can you hear how ridiculous that sounds?” I knew if I told her, she would react this way.

“This isn’t life or death, Mother.” I take a sour tone with her and immediately regret it.

“Don’t get smart with me. You’ve told me how much pain you’ve been in, and that the pain has gotten worse. Moreover, you have told me your doctor wants you to have surgery. Ali, I nearly lost you once and I am not prepared to go through that again. You’re all I have left.” Her voice quivers and I know it’s taking all of her strength not to break down.

I wanted to tell her about Bryce and have her be happy for me. Now she’ll have a preconceived notion about him. “It’s not his fault. He’s not aware of any of this. We haven’t . . .”

She interrupts me, “How long have you known him?”

“A few weeks now.”

“I see. Does he know?”

“No, I haven’t told him. It’s too soon. I didn’t want to mention him to you because I wasn’t sure myself where it was going. He’s out of town this week and I want to spend some time with him before the surgery. But I can’t bring myself to tell him. Not yet.”

“I wish you wouldn’t wait to do this because of him.”

“It’s not like that Mom. I like him,” I say quietly and I hear her take a quick, sharp breath.

“Ali . . . have you . . . don’t let him force you into doing something you’re not ready for.” I know she’s concerned, and I have to put her mind at ease.

“Do you think I would let that happen?”

“No, I know you wouldn’t. Are you still doing martial arts?”

“Yes. I just earned my 4th degree black belt.”

“That’s wonderful, sweetheart. I’m proud of you. Now, back to the matter at hand. When are you going to schedule the procedure?”

“A week from Monday” I hear her let out a heavy sigh.

“Okay, if you have to wait that long. I’ll book my ticket now but let me know if anything changes.”

“I will. Mom? I love you. Please don’t worry.”

“Oh, Button, I love you too. I’ll worry about you until the day I die. Not worrying about you is not an option for me.”

“I’ll call you later. Bye, Mom.” I feel better after talking with her. It’s as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I call Steven and leave a message that I’ll see him at home later.

After I go through my schedule for the next few weeks and see there’s nothing pressing going on, I call the doctor’s office to schedule the surgery. I shuffle down to Jodi’s office and knock. “Come in,” she says.

“Hey. Sorry I was out most of the day. What time is the shoot scheduled for tomorrow? I didn’t see any updates to my calendar.”

“The client changed the time to eleven tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, that’s good,” I say with no feeling.

“You don’t look so well. Are you sick?” Jodi asks.

“I’m fine. Will it be a problem if I take off week after next?” I ask.

She brings up the calendar and scans it. “No, that will be okay. Send me a reminder email.” She scans my face. “Okay, out with it.”

I exhale a heavy sigh. “I’m having outpatient surgery. It’s no big deal, I just don’t like hospitals or doctors.” I haven’t confided in Jodi about my past and I’m not up to telling her now.

“What’s going on?” She asks with concern.

“Oh, you know, female stuff,” I casually say, like it’s an everyday occurrence with me.

“It’ll be fine. They do these all the time and you’ll be in and out before you know it,” she says cheerily. I hope she’s right.

#

I think about Bryce, and how in such a short amount of time, I’ve found myself counting the minutes until I see him again. It’s more surprising how much I want to be with him. At once a dark image enters my mind, turning my happy thoughts into bitter ones. I thought I had made peace with my past long ago, but there’s no question the events of that time are now haunting me.

Steven and I get home at the same time. “Hey, Sampson and I are going to dinner. Want to come with us?”

“I’m not hungry.” I say.

“You know, ever since Bryce has been gone, you’ve been in a funk. So don’t tell me you don’t like him, because your attitude says something different.”

“I guess I do miss him . . .” Right now all I want is to be in the warmth and comfort of Bryce’s strong embrace.

“You guess? Look at you, you’re a mess.” After today’s events, a dam which I didn’t know was building, bursts. Steven rushes over and envelops me in his arms. “Shit, Ali, what’s wrong? What’s happened?” He’s in a panic now.

“I do like him, more than I want to admit out loud, and I’m afraid when he finds out, that’ll be it.” Steven walks me into the house right as Sampson drives up. Steven sits on the sofa, pulling me down beside him.

“What’s all this nonsense about?” Steven asks.

I force my tears to stop. “It’s not nonsense. I’ve closed myself off from ever having these emotions, but now they’re here. Should I feel this way about him after such a short time? Is that normal? One minute I’m okay, the next I question everything. I don’t know what to do.”

“Ali, yes, it’s normal to feel that way about someone in a short amount of time. Yes, it’s normal to question your decisions, especially after what you experienced, so don’t beat yourself up too much. I thought things were going well with you two? What brought this on?”

I tell him about my doctor’s appointment. “I’m scheduled for a week from Monday. Mom’s coming, and she’ll be staying with us.”

“I’ll take a few days off.”

“You don’t need to. It’s not like I won’t be up and around. Besides, I can’t handle my mother and you fussing over me at the same time. It’ll drive me crazy.”

“We’ll take turns then.” He smiles, but then his smile fades. “Where does Bryce fit into all of this? What are you going to tell him?”

“I’m not. I’ll tell him I’m going to visit my mom. It won’t be a total lie.”

“Oh, so a lie of omission is okay,” he says dryly.

“I’ll be visiting with my mom. It won’t be in Seattle. I can’t tell him I’m having this done. How do you break the news to someone that you’re damaged goods and that the damage has reared its ugly head?”

“Stop saying that about yourself. It makes me mad.”

“It’s true, Steven.”

“No, it’s not. Stop it. I’m tired of you berating yourself over something that someone else did to you. It wasn’t your fault, Ali.”

“So much has happened during these past few weeks that has brought it all back to the surface.” Because of his own crisis with Sampson, I never told Steven my flight connected in Texas. There’s no need to bring it up now.

“Where’s all of this coming from? Look, things happen. Stop trying to balance out the reason it happened. That moment is done, it’s over with. You’ve overcome a difficult, traumatic event in your life. I’m proud of you moving on from a place I was beginning to think you’d never leave. You’ve been happy and lively since Bryce came into your life. He’s the best thing that’s happened to you. Stop being so negative about him and about yourself. You’ll poison this before it has a chance to bloom.”

“When did you become so philosophical? Also, when did you get in his corner?”

“I’ve been in his corner since I’ve seen the changes in you. Since I’ve seen how he is with you, and you with him. The tides have shifted for you. A man doesn’t like to be kept in the dark. If you continue down this path of self-destruction, he probably will walk away, and it won’t have anything to do with your past. It’ll have everything to do with your attitude towards him and yourself.”

I see Sampson nodding his head in agreement and I know they’re right. Why can’t life come with a ‘how to’ manual? They try to get me to go to dinner with them, but I need some quiet time. I pour myself a glass of wine and go upstairs for a good long soak in the tub.

Dried off and in my pajamas, I curl up in bed. I don’t remember drifting off, but my phone awakens me. It’s Bryce. My spirits rise, and I answer before it has a chance to go to voice mail. “Hi there. How’s L.A.?”

“Fine. I hope I didn’t wake you?”

“No. I’m glad you called.” I say.

“I’m glad you answered. I didn’t want to talk to your voice mail,” he says. “How was your photo shoot today?”

“The client rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon,” I say as I try to stifle a yawn.

“Oh, and you thought I was difficult,” he chuckles

“You’re impossible.”

“I miss you,” he blurts out.

“I miss you too, Bryce.” More than you know. More than I can tell you right now. “How was your meeting? Are you kicking ass and taking names?”

“I kicked a lot of ass and took many names. My leg hurts and I have writer’s cramp.” This makes us both laugh loudly.

“I bet. I can’t wait to see you Friday,” I say.

“It can’t get here quick enough. I’ve never had these feelings before towards anyone, Ali.”

“Neither have I.”

“Would you like to come to my house for dinner on Friday, rather than going out?” he asks.

“I’d like that. Is it what would you prefer to do?”

“Yes, I’d like to stay in, with you. I’ll cook.”

I read once, women said a man cooking for them is a huge turn on. “That’s right, you said you cook.”

“Of course I do. What self respecting millionaire doesn’t?” He’s trying to sound serious, but failing miserably.

This is the first time I’ve ever heard him refer to himself in that context and I choose to ignore it. “I accept. Dinner at your place it is. What are you making, and what should I bring?”

“Only your beautiful self is required. I have everything else under control. I’ll pick you up.”

He’s going to make it difficult for me to have a quick escape but I know he’ll take me home if I ask. Question is would I want to leave? “Okay. What time?”

“Around six, but I’ll call you.”

“I could pick you up at the airport,” I offer.

“Charles will already be there, but thank you,” he says and I feel a twinge of disappointment. I’m exhausted, and as much as I’d like to talk to him, I can’t keep my eyes open. “Ali, are you there?”

I jerk awake. “I’m here.”

“Oh baby, you sound tired. I’ll let you go so you can go to sleep.” There’s that word again, but after today, I like hearing it.

“I want to talk to you. I like hearing your voice.”

“Put me on speakerphone.” After doing what he says, I can tell he does the same thing. I close my eyes and I hear him typing.