Clash (7 page)

Chapter Thirteen

“How do you feel today, Payton?” Dr. Perkins asked as she sat down in the chair to my left.

I just shrugged; feeling numb shouldn’t surprise me. I spent most of my life in that state, but I had a small sliver of happiness with Dylan and his family. Now the pain of my past felt more intense. I felt like I was being taunted by what could be, only to have it taken away when it meant so much.

“Tell me about the last time you saw your mother.” I wanted to get up and leave. I wanted to tell her Maggie was not my mother. She left me behind and in part was the cause of my pain. But I couldn’t say or do any of that. Dr. Perkins had been there for me from the beginning. The moment Karen brought me home after the attack, Jamie Perkins became my lifeline.

“It was the morning before she left.” I resorted back to my nervous habit of fisting my hands over and over, feeling the bite of my nails in my palm.

“I can still hear them yelling at each other. She always told me to stay in my room until she came to get me. But I could never drown out the shouting or the sounds of her screams.” I took in a shuddering breath to control my tears, because I would not cry. “That morning things just felt different. John should have been gone by the time I got up for school, but he was still there yelling and throwing things around. I knew something was up. But I couldn’t leave my room before Maggie came to get me. It would only have made things worse. Up until that point, John had never laid a hand on me. He only said awful things no child should hear.”

I looked up as the spring in a chair popped, indicating Dr. Perkins had stood up. I watched as she walked across the room and pulled out a small bottle of water from her mini fridge, grabbing a second one for herself.

Once she was seated back at my side and gave me the water, I continued.

“When she did finally make it to my room, she wore yet another bruise on her cheek, a fresh one. The ones from a few days before still hadn’t faded. Her bruises never faded.” I lifted the bottle and took a small sip, just enough to wet my dry lips. “She brought in a piece of toast and a glass of milk. She hurried around the room, gathering my clothes for school without looking at me. I remember asking myself why she didn’t just leave. But then later, I myself realized just how hard it was to leave John. He was relentless and scary.”

“Did she say anything?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah, just before she walked out of my room. She said, ‘Hurry up and get dressed or you’ll be late for the bus.’ That was it. She acted like she hadn’t just been beaten by some piece of shit only a room away. She just let my father control her.”

“And when you got home?” she asked.

“She was gone, vanished. And John was livid. He had trashed the house and was pacing the room. I still remember the look on his face when I walked in and he realized I wasn’t Maggie. He marched straight for me and glared with such hatred. ‘Why the hell didn’t she take you too? If she was gonna leave she shouldn’t have left her garbage behind.’ That’s all he said. It was also the first time I had ever been hit.”

Instinctively, I lifted my hand to my right cheek, as if I could feel the sting of his palm all over again. “I cried out and he laughed.”

“How often did these things occur?” I knew what Dr. Perkins was doing. She was forcing me to keep talking instead of holding it in.

“Almost daily,” I whispered. “It wasn’t always where people could see the marks, but I knew they were there. For years it was a mixture of verbal and physical abuse.”

I traced my wrist with the tip of my finger, feeling the indentation of a scar, a scar given to me by John pressing to my skin a piece of a broken glass I dropped.

Jamie must have seen my actions, triggering her curiosity. “How did that happen?”

“A piece of glass,” I whispered. “He laughed the whole time as he pressed harder and harder. He spent the entire drive to the hospital threatening me with what would happen if I didn’t keep my mouth shut. By the time we got there, I felt numb. John went on and on about how clumsy I was and that I had to learn to pay more attention.”

“Have you read the letter?” I didn’t even look up to meet her gaze; I only shook my head in response. I was scared of what it contained. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back to that time in my life. Being here talking about it was bad enough.

Chapter Fourteen

Dylan

The commute back and forth between ISU was not something I was used to driving twice a day. Over the last couple years I spent most of my time on campus with the occasional visit to ease my mother’s mind. But things had changed. Not only had my relationship with Payton changed, but the fact that her past was coming back to haunt her also played into the equation.

There was no way in hell I would allow her to push me away.

After my last class I stopped by the fraternity house to grab a few things, planning to get on the road to head home for the weekend.

I hadn’t expected to get trapped by the one guy living under the same roof who I had a strong urge to punch. I wasn’t lying when I told Payton how Todd was a completely different person when she wasn’t around.

“Dylan, hold up.” He jogged toward me just as I reached my car. “You see Payton lately?”

I turned around to face him and just stared at him without a reply. The guy had to be fucking kidding. I had not made any attempt to hide the fact she and I were now together. I knew she said she was going to talk to him, but with recent events I also knew she had been distracted.

“It’s just I’ve tried to call her a few times and she hasn’t answered. I only got one response telling me we would talk later but still nothing. I was hoping she and I could spend a little time together, if you know what I mean.” My movements were fast as I reached out and gripped the collar of his shirt before spinning him around to slam his body against my car.

He held his hands out to the sides of his head in surrender. “Whoa, Dylan. What the fuck?”

I heard footsteps behind me but I didn’t let him go. I only stepped closer, making sure there was no possible chance he could miss what I was about to say. “You and Payton will not be spending any time alone. In fact, stop fucking calling my girlfriend.” His eyes widened. “That’s right, you heard me—my girlfriend. She wanted to tell you, but fuck that shit. Now you know. Back off.”

“Dylan, man, let go,” Seth said from my left as he attempted to calm me. “It’s not worth it. You made your point.”

For his sake, Todd better hope he understood me, because next time Seth wouldn’t stop me from beating the facts into him.

***

I was on edge the entire way back to Pekin. The drive felt like it took twice as long as it usually did, and my irritation level was through the roof.

When I pulled into the driveway, everyone was already home. My sister, my mom, hell—even Carter was home.

Grabbing my bag from the passenger seat, I threw it over my shoulder and walked toward the front door. The closer I got the louder the yelling got.

My feet began to move faster as I barged inside, dropping my bag to the floor.

The person yelling was Payton, and I had never heard her so angry. “I never asked for the life you left me with. You married a monster and left me behind when you got out. What kind of person does that? A heartless bitch, that’s who. You were a coward, Maggie. You should have fought for me. I was a child. There are no excuses you can give that will ever give me back the life you and John took from me. You were my parents, and your jobs were to protect me. I owe you nothing.”

She slammed the cordless down on the counter after ending the call. Everyone stood in the kitchen staring at Payton—someone we all knew as a sweet, quiet girl. She was shy and timid, and we had never witnessed this side of her.

I wasn’t even sure at this point if anyone had noticed I was there. Once my boot clad feet hit the tiled kitchen floor, eyes shifted toward me. “What’s going on?”

I could feel the tension. The look in Payton’s eyes scared me; I knew what it meant. “Hey,” I whispered as I took a step closer. Her hand immediately came up to signal me to stop. “Don’t shut me out…I’m here.”

Payton shook her head as she tried to step around me. “I need to be alone.” I touched her shoulder as she passed, but she shrugged away my hand.

“Payton?” I said in a pained whisper.

Without another word she disappeared around the corner and up the stairs; the sound of her bedroom door closed in the distance.

“What the hell happened?” I asked, feeling defeated.

“Maggie called again,” my mother answered. “Payton answered the phone. One minute we were all standing around laughing at something Carter said, and the next, everything changed.”

“Change the number, Mom,” was all I said before turning around and walking toward my old bedroom, the room that held the girl I’d always loved in some way, but now was falling in love with.

I tapped on the door before slowly pushing it open. I didn’t care if she wanted me in there or not; I wouldn’t let her go through this alone.

She was curled up on the bed, her back toward the door. “I don’t feel like rehashing my fucked up life,” she mumbled into the pillow.

In situations when most girls would be crying, sobbing, and losing all control, Payton always held strong. She lived years training herself to be emotionless, and now it was just part of who she was. No tears, because crying never fixes anything; it only makes it worse.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and placed my hand on her hip. “We don’t have to talk, but I’m not leaving.”

“I didn’t ask you to leave, I’m telling you.” It was her pain speaking for her, I knew that, but it still hit me low in the gut.

“I’m telling you I’m not leaving you alone. Whether you want me here or you want me gone, I am fucking staying.” She turned her body, rolling onto her back and looked up at me with an angry expression.

Her nostrils flared with irritation. “I spent years with a man who thought it was empowering to dominate a woman, a man who thought forcing me to give in to his demands and seeing me cower in fear was an accomplishment. I refuse to ever allow that to happen again. I won’t repeat my past.”

“That’s kind of low blow, isn’t it?” I could feel my own irritation rising. “Comparing me to that son of a bitch.”

“I told you to leave.” She responded with no emotion, as if completely ignoring my own anger.

This was not the sweet girl I knew.

“And I told you I’m staying.” I refused to back down. Pushing me away was not an option I would give her.

She tried to get up, but I covered her body with mine. “Stop!” she said as she pushed against me.

“No, damn it, not until you fucking listen to me.” She wiggled beneath me, fighting me, but I kept going. “You were dealt a shitty life. You saw and went through things no child never should have to go through. You are one of the strongest people I know, Payton, and I refuse to let you crawl back inside that shell. You are going to fight, you are going to come out on top, and you are going to show those bastards they did not break you, and I know that. I know because I am going to be by your side every step of the way.”

“Why?” she asked, still pushing against me. “I’m a mess, my life is a mess, and this shit will always follow me. It is a fucked up soap opera, and at any moment another round of shit will coming flooding through.”

“Because I love you,” I whispered, and her eyes grew wide. She stared up at me, no longer struggling, and I hoped I had finally reached her.

“You shouldn’t.” She turned her head to the side and looked toward the window. Once again she had a blank, emotionless stare. “This is your out.”

“I don’t want an out.” I responded without hesitation, even though my heart was racing so fast I felt it may beat out of my chest.

“It doesn’t matter if you want it or not.” Just like that she was emotionally gone again.

Chapter Fifteen

Payton

I woke sometime during the night in a cold sweat to a feeling of someone watching me. I used to live with that feeling daily, so having it back only made my current situation harder to handle.

Maggie’s words from our earlier conversation came rushing back—the excuses she made for leaving me behind all those years ago.

The sound of movement to my left caught my attention, and I twisted my body to grab for the small lamp on the nightstand. My phone and a few other items from the table fell to the floor in my rush to find a weapon.

“Payton, it’s okay,” Dylan said in a soft, reassuring voice as he moved out of the darkened corner.

“What the hell, Dylan?” I gasped as my heart continued to race. “What are you doing in here?”

“I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.” He took another step toward me and slowly sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. “You can’t get rid of me that easily just because you decide you don’t want me around.”

I stared at him through the darkness of the room. I could sense his sadness even through the small amount of light from the windows. I had been horrible to him earlier, yet he was still here, just as he said he would be. None of this was his fault.

“I’m sorry. I was horrible to you.”

He lifted his hand and gently stroked my cheek. My eyes closed to the sensations of his touch. “You had a pretty shitty day babe, I understand. I also know that it is one of the ways you cope. I’m here, Payton. I promise you no matter what, I’m not walking away. Even before things changed with us I would have stayed by your side, but now there is no way in hell you’re pushing me away.”

I let out a calming breath as I kept my eyes closed, reining in my emotions. Today had been a fucked up day, but somehow having him here right now gave me the small amount of hope I needed to hold on.

“I love you too,” I whispered and opened my eyes just in time to catch his confused expression. “You said it earlier and I didn’t reply, but I want you to know. I need you to know I’ve loved you for years.”

He tilted his head to the side and continued to stare back at me, a smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “That’s good, because even if you didn’t I would have kept showing you reasons you should.”

As he started to lower his body to mine I gripped the back of his neck and pulled him in faster. Our lips collided and a groan escaped him.

I could have succeeded in pushing him away, and this, right here, right now, could have been something I would never have the chance to feel again. My heart ached, and the tears I fight so hard to keep at bay began to fill my eyes.

Between kisses, I looked into his eyes and could see he was also completely lost in the moment.

“I never should have tried to push you away,” I whispered.

“Shh.” He hushed me as he continued to kiss me gently. “Be here with me, let the last day fade, and be right here in this moment with me.”

Wasting no time, he again pressed his lips to mine. Crawling over me without breaking the kiss, he covered my body with his. For the first time in hours, I felt the tension begin to fade.

“Should we be doing this?” I asked against his lips.

“Everyone else is asleep,” he whispered as he kissed my jawline before dropping to leave a trail of kisses along my neck. As he continued to move lower, my body begged for more.

He lifted my shirt, kissed the exposed skin just above the waistband of my pants, and I whimpered.

He looked up at me with that cocky smirk on his lips, because he knew exactly what he could do to me. He continued flicking his tongue against my skin, and I bit down on my lip to keep from moaning as he lowered my pants and panties down my legs in one swift motion.

After tossing my clothes to the floor, he positioned his shoulders between my thighs and my eyes widened. “You can’t,” I began to protest and he placed his palm flat against my stomach to hold me. “Dylan…”

“It’ll be fine baby, just lie still and relax.” Yeah—that was easy for him to say.

I watched as he slowly lowered his head between my legs. With the first flick of his tongue, my back arched off the bed and I pressed my lips tightly together. This man was insane if he thought I could remain quiet while he feasted on me.

“Mmm,” he moaned, obviously enjoying my reaction.

The man was relentless in his efforts; it took no time for me to reach an orgasm. Dylan held my hips firmly as I rode out the pleasure, grabbing fistfuls of the sheets and curling my toes into the mattress beneath us.

My head was spinning as he crawled up my body, licking and tasting along the way. His hand worked between us and the waistband of his pants. Holding himself in his hand, he gently guided his cock inside of me.

This was the first time we had gone without protection and it felt amazingly intimate.

“You feel so good,” he whispered against my ear. “Perfect, baby, you are so perfect.”

I hadn’t realized just how much I needed the intimacy until that moment, feeling his body pressed securely against mine and the warm embrace in which he held me as he moved his hips in a slow, tantalizing rhythm. My heart felt like it swelled within my chest when I thought about how much I adored this man, how much his love gave me hope. He refused to give up on me, something I’d never had before.

***

Dylan and I dressed after making love, only to curl up with one another beneath the covers, holding each other through the night. I was safely wrapped in his arms.

Waking up to his lips pressed against my forehead in a gentle kiss made all the fear I felt for years seem distant. If only we could stay like this forever, drowning out the world and all its darkness.

“Good morning,” I said as I arched my neck and looked into his blue eyes, eyes that only hours ago were staring back at me with such depth as we made love.

“Morning, baby.” His gruff, sleep-filled voice sent chills through me. I loved the raspy tone and the way it made me feel deep inside. “How’d you sleep?”

“Pretty good actually, but I think I have you to thank for that.” I waggled my eyebrows and he chuckled.

“Well, I am more than happy to wear you down anytime you need me to.” He rolled over and pinned me against the mattress with his body, his mouth covering mine as he ground his hardness against my center. The action caused me to moan, which only triggered what resembled a growl to rip from him.

We were both so wrapped up in the moment neither of us heard the door open.

“Well, that is gonna scar me for life,” Casey said in a disgusted tone. “I could have been Mom, you know.”

I buried my face in Dylan’s chest and laughed. Feeling the vibration of his own chuckle fueled my laughter more.

Hearing the click of the bedroom door indicated she got the hint and left us alone. Dylan wasted no time slipping his hand beneath the hem of my shirt as he rubbed along my waist. His gaze was locked on mine, yet he said nothing. His expression told me there was something on his mind, yet he was holding back.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he responded as he continued to trail his fingers over my bare skin.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.” I knew something was bothering him. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“We’re okay, right?”

The fact he had to even ask made the guilt over my behavior the previous day intensify.

I placed one hand of each side of his face and stared up at him. “We are more than okay,” I assured him as I arched my neck and placed a soft kiss against his lips. “I love you,” I whispered, and the tension in his body seemed to relax as the tip of his tongue trailed along my lip.

“I love you too,” he whispered within our kiss. “Let me be here for you. Don’t push me away.”

My throat tightened as I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him tighter against me. “I won’t,” I assured him, even though inside I wasn’t sure that was something I could promise. It was who I was, how I handled things.