Clarity 3 (14 page)

Snowball nuzzles my leg as we ride down in the elevator, and I gaze at her happily. How did Liam know that I needed a dog? Even I didn’t know, and I probably would have declined if he had asked me first; but Snowball really is perfect for me. I can no longer imagine a life without her—or him.

When the elevator door
s open, we head out toward the mailboxes. I fish around in my purse for the key, and open up Liam’s mailbox. There is a bundle of letters, and I begin flipping through them. I find some advertisements and flyers, and I toss those into the recycling bin. There are some bills for him, but I nearly squeal in delight when I see a letter for me from the DMV. Thanks to Liam’s lessons, I was able to pass my test on the first try. I have been browsing through vehicles online, and I am thinking of buying myself a little car. I really love the feeling of driving. When I find another letter for me, I am surprised to see elegantly written handwriting covering the envelope.

I remember that my dad recently asked for my address so that he could send over a letter. Is this my father’s handwriting? I have never received a handwritten letter before—at least not one that I didn’t need to ask someone to read for me
. I hook my finger under the flap of the envelope to tear it open hastily, excited to devour its contents.

I feel like the world around me has gone very quiet. There is a kind of ringing in my ears
as I stare at these sentences. I am not sure how long I remain standing there and looking at the letter. My stomach has tied itself into knots. I am so frozen that I find my eyes are locked to one sentence, and unable to continue reading. My fingers slightly quiver. I must not have blinked for a long time, because my eyes begin to ache and the letter grows blurry.

Shutting my eyes
for a moment, I take a deep breath. It suddenly occurs to me that my dad must have given Grayson my new address. Grayson knows where I am.

“
What the fuck,” I whisper. “What the actual fuck...”

The letter flutters from my fingers, and Snowball chases it as it lands. She sniffs it to determine whether it is an item of interest, but
seems to decide that she is not fond of its contents. She growls softly at the offensive piece of paper, as though she can sense my distress.

I lean against the mailboxes,
suddenly feeling very tired. A few sentences are all it took to ruin my day and steal all my good energy. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back to writing after this. Do I need to move again? Is Liam safe? Dozens of questions collide in my brain, and I feel the need to crawl under the blankets and escape in sleep.

“Miss Winter?” says the concierge from behind me. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” I say, straightening slightly. When the young man stoops to retrieve the letter, I flinch as he hands it back to me. “Thanks, Brian.”

“What’s the matter, Miss Winter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

I hesitate before speaking to him. “The person who sent this letter isn’t supposed to know my address. I moved here to get away from him. He could be... dangerous.”

“Don’t worry,” he assures me. “You know we have excellent
round-the-clock security here. I’ll make a note of it, and we’ll screen guests to Dr. Larson’s apartment more carefully.”

“That’s nice of you, Brian.” I try to smile in gratitude, but my face doesn’t seem to work. I glance
toward the glass doors that lead outside, where Snowball is so eager to go for a walk. I also have a very strong desire for some fresh air, but the idea of being in public is suddenly far too much to bear. I hate this feeling of backsliding, and letting my fear resurface, but I need to be alone, behind closed doors, as soon as possible.

“
Is it a bad ex?” Brian asks.

“Sorry?” I say, turning to him. I realize that I had been staring blankly into the distance. “Oh. Something like that.”

“It will be fine, Miss Winter,” he assures me before returning to his desk.

I frown, finally gathering the courage to look at the rest of the letter.

Once again, I can’t read very far before it grows too upsetting to continue. I stuff the letter back into its envelope, and put it into my purse, along with all the other mail. Snowball is growing restless in waiting for me to take her outside, but I ignore her when I notice the glint of my phone in my purse. Seized by anger, I grab the phone and hastily call my father. I move into a quiet corner of the lobby while the phone rings.

“Hello, darling!
” my father answers. “How’s your book coming along?”

“You gave Grayson my new address?
”

There’s a silence on the other end of the line. “No, of course not,” he finally says. “I just sent the letter for him. He told me that it was just an apology, and that it wouldn’t upset you.”

“Dad,” I say, gritting my teeth. “Why would you do this to me? Why would you put me at risk like this?”

“Sweetheart, I promise that he doesn’t know your add
ress! Grayson is not a bad person, and he would never really hurt you. You just happened to see him when he was very sick last month. But he’s feeling better now, after spending several weeks in the hospital...”

“How stupid do you think I am?” I ask him angrily. “Grayson has always been this way to me. Why do you think I really left home all those years ago?
Ask him. Ask him if he’d ever really hurt me.”

“Helen, honey...”

“Fuck you!” I hiss, and I immediately regret the words as they leave my mouth. Just hearing my name spoken sends me over the edge, and suddenly my father is my enemy. I fight against my tears. “I’m sorry, Dad. I appreciate the money you gave me, but I didn’t need money. I needed safety. I thought fathers were supposed to protect their daughters?”

“Helen, I don’t understand...”

“Please stop, Dad. Five hundred thousand dollars can’t bring back the years that I lost. If Grayson comes to my door and hurts me again, five hundred thousand dollars isn’t going to cover the cost of my sanity or my life. If he hurts Liam...” I shut my eyes tightly, horrified at this thought. “He already shot Liam once. What will he do next time?”

“Darling
, you need to calm down. Please. Grayson has made some mistakes, but he’s family now. I think you and Liam should come over on Friday night and join us for a family dinner. Just give him a chance. It would mean the world to your old man to have your company—to be together as a family.”

“Are you serious?” I ask him in disbelief.

“Your sister is pregnant, sweetheart. It could be nice if she had another girl around to talk to now and then. Don’t you want to be there for Carmen? She’s been really depressed and I’ve been taking her to therapy. All this stress isn’t good for the baby, you know?”

“Dad,” I say quietly. “I just got my driver’s license in the mail. A few nights ago, I was feeling restless and I ju
st got in the car and drove. I just drove down the street in the middle of the night, and there was no one around. All the lights were green. I just drove and drove, and I didn’t encounter a single red light.” I look down at Snowball with a sad smile. “It felt like a sign of some sort. That I’m moving in the right direction.”

“Darling, you sound just like your mother.”

“I’m finally starting to be okay again, Dad. Better than okay. I’m finally starting to have all the things that every normal person has. You know what a struggle it’s been for me. Please don’t take that all away from me now.”

“Helen, I want you to be happy. I want all these things for you more than anyone. I just don’
t want to lose you, dammit! I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to keep a family together, but I’m trying my damned hardest. Your sister has made some poor choices, but you can’t turn your back on her now. She’s family. Her baby is family. Grayson is family.”

I shake my head in refusal, even though I know he can’t see me. It’s more for my
personal resolve. “I’m sorry, Dad. I love you, but I need to protect myself. You just gave Grayson a method of contacting me and finding me. I was wrong to think that it was safe to talk to you on the phone. We can’t communicate anymore.”

“You can’t be serious. Darling, I’m your father! You
can’t do this.”

“
Liam is my family now. He’s the only person I can trust.” With that, I hang up the phone and hit the buttons to block my father’s number. I am filled with the familiar urge to get the hell away. If Grayson knows this address, then all of my worst nightmares could come true. I stand still for a moment, staring out into the street with a frown on my face.

My puppy barks at me in a disappointed way.

“And you, Snowball,” I assure her gently, stooping to my knees to ruffle her fur. “I trust you most of all!”

I turn the steering wheel to navigate through the hospital parking lot. Since receiving Grayson’s letter, I haven’t felt comfortable being home alone for extended periods of time. Snowball isn’t very vicious looking or sounding, and I’m not sure she’d make the greatest protector. I bought a little used car, and I often go for drives by myself and try to discover various cafés to sit and work in all day. I find that watching people walk by through the windows helps my writing. I have missed an entire lifetime of watching people, and I never grow tired of examining every little detail of the way they move and interact.

Sometimes I think I am growing quite fond of people.

Today, it happens to be Liam’s birthday. We were supposed to spend the day together, but he was called away to work. I decided to come to the hospital and surprise him with a present, and maybe spend his break with him. I turn a corner in the hospital parking lot, squinting to see better in the dim lighting. There don’t seem to be any available spots, and I circle around impatiently. I have visited Liam at work a few times, and I always make sure to stop by the hospital café and hang out with Krista, the waitress. If I’m stuck on a chapter, talking to her always helps. It turns out she’s a philosophy major, a few years younger than I am, and she hopes to be a writer too someday. She actually looks up to me.

It’s a little weird being old enough for
someone to look up to me. I am not even really that successful yet, and no one knows my name. Any of my names. But Krista seems to admire me anyway. She thinks it’s cool that I dropped out of school to do what I love, and she wishes she had the courage to do the same. Of course, she doesn’t know the whole story, but I almost prefer it that way. No one in my life has ever looked up to me—no one other than Snowball. When I see myself through Krista’s eyes, I feel a little bit happier with who I am and what I’ve accomplished.

She’s the closest thing to a friend that I’
ve had in the longest time. I haven’t been too affectionate or called her that officially, but I like her company now and then. Back when I was in college, I thought I had friends. Or almost-friends. We obviously weren’t that close, because when the shit hit the fan, I was able to leave them all behind without a second thought. I guess I’ve always been scared of getting too close. But now that things are working out well with Liam, I feel like maybe I could be brave in other ways.

I’m tired of running away. I want to
have people in my life that enjoy spending time with me—people that like me for who I am. People who will still be there tomorrow, even if something unspeakable happens. I am starting to feel like Liam will always be there.

A car finally begins pulling out of a really great parking spot, and I squeeze in nearly as soon as it
exits. It is close to the elevators, so I don’t have to walk very far with Liam’s present. I turn off my car and exit to grab my computer bag from the back seat. After slinging it over my shoulder, I tug a long, gift-wrapped rectangular box out of the vehicle. It’s heavier than I expected it would be. I kick the car door shut and begin moving toward the hospital elevators. After hearing Liam’s story about how his parents never got him that telescope, I decided I should get him one for his upcoming birthday. I shopped around a little before finding the perfect portable device that we could take out of the city on romantic stargazing trips now and then. It’s not very powerful or expensive, but I am sure it could be useful for looking at the moon and planets.

Liam is always planning nice surprises
for me, and I thought that I would try to surprise him for a change. After hanging out on his break, I intend to write in the hospital café with Krista until he finishes work, and then maybe we can try using the telescope on the hospital rooftop.

Depending on how private it is up the
re, maybe I can even give him a different kind of present.

T
his thought puts a mischievous smirk on my face as I wait for the elevators to carry me upstairs. When we arrive at the lobby, I blink rapidly to allow my eyes to adjust to the bright light. My eyes have been bothering me a lot lately, but I’ve been trying to ignore it. Once I can see clearly, I make a beeline for the café, excited to see Krista and get some good coffee inside me.

When I enter the little eating area, she turns to see me and her face lights up.
Krista looks adorable with her blonde hair styled in two messy braids, and her little red apron. She also has freckles spotting across her nose, giving her the appearance of being a country milkmaid. She looks far too innocent to be so wise and worldly; if I had seen her first, before hearing her speak, I might have never listened to a single word.

“
Oh! You got the telescope?” she says, moving up to me with the coffee canister in her hand. She has been hard at work keeping everyone’s mugs refilled. “He’s going to love it!”

“I hope so,” I tell her with a smile. “If not, I’ll have to do something else to make his birthday special.”

“Sit down and let me get you a cup of coffee,” she orders me, moving back behind the counter to finish up a few chores.

I place the telescope box down, along with my computer bag, as I take my usual spot.

Krista returns almost instantly with a steaming cup of coffee. She sits down across from me and folds her arms on the table. The café is not very busy today and it seems like we have some time for girltalk. “You look much less miserable than usual today, Winter!”

“Thank you,” I tell her with a grin.
I did try to put a splash of makeup on for the special occasion. “I guess I’m excited about Liam’s birthday. It’s nice to do something special for someone.”

“
Did you say he was turning twenty-nine or thirty? Either way, you should do something epic that you’ll both remember for the rest of your lives. You should go big.”

“Go big?” I ask her quizzically.

“Yes! You should take him on a spontaneous vacation somewhere,” Krista suggests. “Hasn’t Liam been bugging you to go on a trip with him lately?”

“Yes, he has been,
” I muse. “We’ve been looking at brochures for all kinds of special landmarks—the ‘things that I
should
see now that I
can
see.’ He’s been trying to convince me to do something crazy once he gets some time off. The pyramids, the Great Wall, Machu Picchu, an Alaskan cruise, or one of those Eurotrips. He seems to be a little burnt out from work and he’s craving an adventure.”

“What’s stopping you
, Winter? Don’t you have all that money that your dad gave you?”

I lift my shoulders in an awkward shrug. “I’m not making that much
. I should probably save that money until I start getting more income from writing.”

Krista sighs. “You poor,
poor blind woman.”

“What?” I ask her, lifting a hand to touch my eyes subconsciously.
My vision has grown somewhat unclear for a few minutes, and I wonder if Krista can somehow tell. “I’m not blind anymore.”

“But you are!” she says. “Metaphorically. You have an amazing guy, an amazing life, and amazing potential. Yet you constantly choose to shelter yourself
from everything wonderful due to your crippling fear. When are you going to get over it?”

“Krista, I don’t know. I just...”

“Seize life by the balls, my friend!” she says, making a small fist to emphasize her strength and enthusiasm. “When I look at you, I see this quiet, reserved person by day, who is totally capable of being a superhero by night. You have the ability to fly, when most of us never will. Why would you choose to keep your feet on the ground when you could reach the stars?”

I stare at her for a moment. I wonder what I’ve done to make her think so highly of me. It makes my heart soar a little.
“Maybe you’re right,” I tell her softly. There’s something contagious about Krista’s bright energy and sanguine nature. Every time I talk to her, I leave feeling renewed and ready to conquer the world. “I’ll let him know tonight that I’m ready to go on a trip with him. Maybe an adventure could help my writing.”

“And you’ll have to take lots of pictures and tell me all about it,” she says with excitement. “I need
to live vicariously through you while I’m stuck working here and taking night classes. I need you to give me hope that I’ll get to live a real life someday.”

“You will,” I assure her with a puzzled smile. She always seems so positive—except for when it comes to herself. “There’s no way that someone with your attitude won’t succeed.”

“I hope so,” she says with a sad smile. She reaches into her apron and pulls out her notepad, and quickly scribbles something down on it. “Here’s my number. Feel free to text me anytime, day or night. I never seem to get a chance to sleep lately.”

“I will,” I tell her, taking the number happily. Another customer walks into the café and Krista excuses herself to
take his order. I watch for a moment as she helps the extremely old man into his seat. Even if I didn’t know her, I’d probably grow to love her from watching her kindness as she takes care of all of her customers. She is one of those people who does absolutely everything with grace and care. She is never mindless or mundane.

She throws herself into life with her full being.
She treasures each fleeting moment as a new blessing. I am so proud to call her my friend. I am honored that she might consider me hers.

I watch her for a moment longer as she elegantly moves about the café. She turns back toward me in the middle of a coffee run and sends me a secret smile. The word that comes to my mind to describe her is “angelic,” but that word has been ruined for me. To wash this
appalling thought from my mind, I take a large gulp of my coffee.

Did Grayson see a similar quality in me to what I see in Krista? Is that what he meant?

And if so, why would he ever want to hurt someone like that?

I look at Krista, and feel fear and dread blossom in my chest. The thought of someone hurting her
makes my stomach turn over. I find myself praying silently that she will never go through the horrors that I’ve lived. She is so pure and light, and I don’t want anyone to ever steal that away from her. I stare down into my coffee and consider the ridiculous idea of bargaining with devils. If anything horrible is ever going to happen to Krista, I would like for it to happen to me instead. I am already broken, and I would rather be a little more broken than see her damaged in any way.

The world needs people like Krista. I wish I could be her shield against
fate. I would happily protect her from all the arrows life might toss her way. I don’t mind if they get deeply embedded in me, along with the others that are already stuck there.

A single tear splashes down into my coffee, and I frown at it. I bring the coffee to my lips and drink deeply again before pulling out my phone and programming her number into my contacts. I move to my text message inbox and send a quick message to Liam, asking him to give me a call when he gets a break. He responds almost immediately saying that he’s between patients at the moment, but that he needs to make a few other phone calls and doesn’t think he’ll have a chance. He also says that he won’t be home from work until very late tonight. I look down at my telescope box with worry, wondering if I won’t get a chance to give him his present on his birthday.

“What’s going on?” Krista asks as she returns. “Do you need a refill, or are you going
to go seduce your man with the gift of a phallic object that symbolizes his virility?”