Chasing Jenna (11 page)

“Everyone wants that phone. I didn’t even know you could buy them yet!” She squeaked before running over to me. She picked up my hand that was holding the phone. Her face looked like I had just won the lottery.

She shook her head as she snorted out a loud Katie laugh. “I don’t know what Jenna you decided to pull out, but well played, my friend, well played.” She patted me on the back as she fell onto the couch. “Come and tell me all about it.”

“I need to call my mom first. I think I need to talk to her about everything that’s going on. I stared at my new phone, flipping it over a couple times, before looking back at my roommate. “Can you help me turn this on?”

>CHAPTER TWELVE<

I walked into the hallway trying to figure out how to explain all of this. Since I was confused by most of it, I had no idea how to begin to explain it to my mom. My stomach knotted into a ball and I rubbed my temples, trying to ward off the pain this kind of stress always brought on.

Tension rolled through my body. I needed privacy, somewhere I could sort through everything that had happened. But where do you go for privacy in a tower full of girls? The stairwell was the only place to go.

I pushed through the door harder than I meant to. It swung open hard, slowly clicking shut behind me. Silence took over. My reflection stared back at me from the panes of glass that lined the stairwell, the outline of the city behind her.

I stared back, unflinching, unable to look away. Where was the girl that came to this school only a month ago? I looked at myself but nothing seemed familiar.

“Why me?” I wondered out loud, “Why would he want me?” I was nothing.

Without thought, I sprinted up the stairs. I wasn’t sure what I was running from, but it was real and terrifying. I somehow knew I could never outrun it – even though I tried. Every time I looked at my reflection, it would be there.

My robe flowed out behind me as I ran, sometimes taking two steps at a time. I frantically looked over my shoulder, as I fought off the feeling that something was right behind me – leaning heavily onto my back – breathing down my neck.

Every cold metal step my bare feet pushed off, sent painful sensations surging through my legs. I gripped the railing, pulling myself upward with all of my upper body strength as I commanded myself to keep going, keep fighting, keep running. Run from your insecurities, run from the negative thoughts, run until exhaustion takes over.

I climbed until the burning in my lungs was too much to ignore. I stopped, letting the silent tears flow down my cheeks. My arms hung at my sides like heavy weights, my legs shook –
W
arning me they no longer could hold my weight. I collapsed onto the steps, resolved to the fact … fear had won again.

The cold metal railings were perfect to press my sweaty forehead against. Rapid breaths echoed up and down the empty stairwell and my feet throbbed, trying to regain normal circulation after the unfamiliar surge of exercise. I swallowed against the burning in my throat.

Although the sky had already begun to darken, a storm threatened with a looming black cloud in the distance. I watched as it hung, lingering, just waiting for its chance to move over the city and unleash devastation.

The lights of the city began to pop up across the skyline like fireflies. I wondered how just a few sparkling lights could make the impending darkness seem less frightening. The storm would still happen, but the lights would make sure it wasn’t all-consuming.

I thought of my mom and a tremor started at my core. Trying to calm the turmoil myself was useless. She had never hurt me personally, but when someone allows violence and pain to be part of your life, you learn early on that fault doesn’t always lie with the person who is doing the actual hurting. You become cautious when other people have been so careless.

My mom wasn’t an unreasonable person, but she was very independent. Unless there was a man involved, then she became disgustingly submissive. I shuddered, as I remembered the faces of the ones that didn’t like little girls, or worse yet, the ones that like little girls too much. Staying safe was always a balancing act of when it was okay to be seen and when it wasn’t.

I had no idea if I would have a battle on my hands or not. I prepared myself just in case.

Cale was important enough. I pulled out my new phone and dialed the numbers. I heard the first ring, my heart nearly pounded out of my chest, then the second ring …

“Jenna! I’ve been waiting for you to call. What took you so long?”

“I know mom, I’m sorry, it’s just, I’ve been really busy getting settled and ... wait, how did you know?”

“Did you get picked yet?”

“What?”

“For sponsorship, did you meet Cale’s father yet? Cale, by the way, is extremely well-mannered, makes a very good impression.”

“You talked to Cale? But ... when?”

“Yes I talked with him, he called yesterday. He gave me the number to your new cell phone. I bet you were so excited to get it. I’m so happy for you, honey.” She sounded like she might actually be jumping up and down.

I was speechless.

“Wait. Stop. You’re happy for me? You’re fine with all of this?” I pulled the phone away from my ear and glanced at the numbers on the screen, making sure I’d called the right number.

“Well, I’ll admit that at first I was a little freaked out by it. But after talking with Cale for a while, and then talking with William,” she paused like I should know who that was.

“Who’s William?”

I heard her groan on the other end. She always made that noise when she was frustrated with me.

“William is Cale’s father. Really Jenna, you’re going to have to pay more attention if you want to be sponsored by them.”

Speechless again.

“Jenna?”

“So let me get this straight. You’ve talked with Cale?”

“Yes,” she drug the word out dramatically.

“And you’ve talked with Cale’s father?”

“Yes, and they both took time to explain what an amazing opportunity this would be for you. Did you know there are ways you can actually earn points so the foundation will pay your outstanding tuition? All you have to do is help with volunteer projects in the community. Also, they guarantee job placement within their company after graduation. They guarantee it, Jen!”

“No, I didn’t know any of that. So, tell me again, when did you talk to them?”

“Yesterday, why?

“Well, I guess it’s no big deal, but Cale didn’t even ask me until today. Don’t you think it’s a little strange that they would talk to you before they asked me?”

She groaned again. I was instantly irritated. “Don’t make this creepy. You are always so cautious. They called me first because they said they feel it’s important to have the families involved. That’s all it is.”

“I’m always cautious because you never are.” The words spilled out before I could stop them. I couldn’t think of anything to say to soften them. I sat on the cold step, staring at my toes, wondering why none of this felt right to me; and my words hung in the silence between us. I could hear her breathing on the other end of the line. A tear spilled over and I held in a sob, I never liked hurting her.

“Listen sweetheart,” her voice was soft. “I know that you‘ve had a really hard time trusting people. I also know that I’m probably to blame for that. You were with me or working when you should’ve been learning how to form bonds with other kids. I brought a lot of people into our lives that I shouldn’t have. But please, don’t let my shortcomings as a mother be the reason that you turn down the biggest opportunity of your life. This is your chance to change the entire direction of your future.”

My throat constricted, holding back the words that I wanted to speak, but couldn’t. We’d never talked about any of this. How could she just throw all of it out there, like it was history, and I wasn’t still dealing with the aftermath every single day? Years of pent-up frustration surged but I shut it down quickly. This day had already been too much to add in a discussion about my mom’s parental choices.

“Okay mom,” I finally whispered into the phone.

“I have to get back to the restaurant. I picked up an extra shift tonight. I love you, honey. Now that you have your fancy new cell phone, I expect you to call me and tell me everything about your life at college. Talk to you later.”

The other end of the line went dead.

The phone suddenly seemed very heavy in my hand so I dropped it into my lap. I laid back onto the cement, welcoming the coolness. Staring into the never-ending maze of the staircase, the craziness of today bounced around inside my head, flashing images of the events. None of the memories stuck around long enough for me to process anything. I was okay with that.

Willing myself to stand, I started back to my room. I needed to talk this all out with Katie. Cale had told me that they’d need permission from my family. I just thought that would come after I had agreed, not before Cale had even asked.

I cracked open the door to my room and heard the muffled voices.

“Hey Marcus,” I said and threw him a quick wave. The fire escape was really coming in handy for them.

“I think I’m going to go for a walk,” I said as I fumbled around the room, hoping they couldn’t tell I had been crying.

“Don’t leave because of me. I just stopped by to say goodnight.” Marcus said.

“No, its fine…I need the air.” I shed my fuzzy robe for a hoodie and fake Ugg boots. My hair was still wet, so I pulled it up into a messy bun and headed out the door.

>CHAPTER THIRTEEN<

The night air was chilly and the darkness of the storm had moved over the city. A light mist of fall rain fell silently. I pushed my hands into the pockets of my hoodie while focusing on the sound of my boots crunching the fallen leaves.

The rain shimmered off of the oncoming headlights, encircling the beam of light with a blur of rainbow colors. A shiver ran down my spine as rain droplets rolled down my exposed neck. I pulled my hood over my damp hair but it was useless, the damage had been done.

I’m not sure if there were other people out or not, I kept my eyes locked on the sidewalk. I needed to disappear, to be invisible.

The same questions as before took root in my brain and spun endlessly over and over.

“Why me and why do I have such a bad feeling about this?” I whispered to myself.

Was this some sort of leftover childish thing against my mom? She thought it was a good idea so now I have to think it’s a bad idea? Shit, I hoped I was past that.

“Please don’t let my shortcomings as a mother be the reason that you turn down the biggest opportunity of your life.”
Her statement echoed over and over in my head, clashing and meshing with my own self-doubt.

Is that what I was doing? Allowing my screwed up childhood to ruin an opportunity? The word didn’t sound right to me. Was I using Cale as an opportunity – is that why it didn’t feel right? Or, was he somehow using me as one?

I walked and walked, trying to clear my head, paying no attention to my surroundings. Only noticing when the noise around me changed; I was far enough away from the dorms that sounds were now more city than campus.

The sidewalk led me onto a bridge. I stopped and turned toward the water, hoping to come up with the answers I desperately needed. Instead, the breathtaking beauty of it overtook me.

The river drew out like a long road ahead of me, rolling its waves and reaching desperately toward the moon that hung low at the end. It was a lonely sight. The sporadic raindrops of the mist fell onto the surface of the water, interrupting the connection between the water and moon, giving it a sparkling appearance. A thick intertwining of trees and brush ran along the banks making it impossible to get to the water. Untouchable and protected in the middle of the city, it struck me how out of place this was…I felt a connection. My eyes were drawn to a spot where the water seemed motionless while the moonlight gently covered it as if it was precious. That’s where I longed to be, in the calm. All around it the water spun and twisted, jumping over rocks and disappearing into itself. But this spot was steady and strong; unchanged by the chaos around it. I stared it – letting its quiet strength invade my mind. I desired peace, but it was foreign to me – I had no idea how to achieve it. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, lifting my face to the sky. The rain ran over me as I prayed for a cleansing. I begged the water to wash away my insecurities, all of my cautiousness and fear.

My heart knew it wouldn’t happen tonight or probably any time soon. Visions of the day replayed in my mind like snapshots. I reached for the railing to steady myself as my head spun. My stomach twisted and my chest was too heavy to take in air. I turned toward the road. Panic started to creep up as I frantically looked for help.

The sidewalk had narrowed once I was on the bridge – I hadn’t noticed it before. The cars passed by only a few feet from me. They sped by through the developing puddles, spraying me with a torrent of water. I gasped for air, my lungs burning with need, as the cold water hit me. I pled with myself as the anxiety mounted. “No, please. Not this ... not now.”

That’s the bad thing about anxiety, it alters your ability to move past the walls you’ve built and the reasons you did. Anxiety hides all the goodness while parading all the shit of your life in front of you like that’s your only choice for reality. You stay safe and warm within the Hell you’ve created – with all your personal demons as best friends. It’s a fucking monster, one that stays around much longer than the boogeyman.

Spots dotted my eyesight, as I eased myself back against the railing, then lowering myself to the ground. I pulled my knees to my chest and held on tightly. There’s a point where you have to give up hope that there’s salvation from it, and accept what’s about to happen.

My hands began to tingle and tunnel vision took over. My whole body shook as I gave up and let the panic ravage me.

Sounds were vague and my breaths came in labored pants. The pain of knowing that my life would never be worthwhile burned in my chest. Thoughts of self-loathing consumed me, as if someone was whispering them directly into my soul.