Changing Course (42 page)

Brett

“S
ARAH.” I
call from around the corner.

I managed to secure Jesse a bulletproof vest and placed her a good distance away. I didn’t want her anywhere near this. There are two officers flanking the door, if Sarah decides to come out, she won’t make it very far. The last thing I really want is for Sarah to get hurt in all of this. Somewhere inside, she is still the hell on wheels, hilarious woman I met twelve years ago. But before this can get any further I do what I should have done years ago-I start talking.

“Sarah! Please talk to me.”

“Why are you doing this to me, Brett?” she asks defeated.

“What am I doing to you? Because from where I’m standing you are doing this all to yourself. Please put the gun down. Let’s figure this out.”

“You love me, Brett. You’ve just forgotten it.”

“Do you love me?” I ask, but I don’t care about her answer. Not anymore. But she needs to say it. Admit it to herself.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel, you love me!” her scream echoes off the surrounding apartments.

“No, I
loved
you. Every crazy ounce of you. You have to know that. You stormed into my life and in one night you wrecked and ruined me, then seven years later you did it all over again. I loved you Sarah Erickson, and wherever she may be in the heavens tonight, I’ll always love her. However, I don’t love
you
.”

“It’s still me. I’m just different.”

My heart breaks at her admission. She has no idea how many times I told myself that over the last few years. Those words are the main reason I held on as long as I did.

“I can’t keep trying to fix you. I have to accept that maybe you aren’t really broken at all. This is who you are now. I just wish you would stop trying to kill this new person too.”

“I can’t stop,” she whimpers. “I don’t want to live this life anymore. You’re all I have left after the accident, and now you’re leaving me too.”

“I’m not leaving you, sweetheart. We both need to move on from the accident. I can’t take care of you anymore. I’m sorry I forced myself into your life. That wasn’t fair to you, but I couldn’t walk away. I felt like you needed me, when in reality you just needed space.”

“I don’t need space. I don’t know what I need, but I know it’s not more space,” she says in a voice so broken, any other day it would have me reaching to comfort her. Not today though. Not ever again.

“I heard her screaming for you, Brett. The minute she called your name, you were gone. How can you say you’re not leaving me? That’s exactly what you’re doing.”

“This isn’t about her. This is about me and you, Sarah.”

She switches gears again and begins to laugh, “You can’t honestly say that. You think that little girl is going to make you happy? I’ve seen y’all together. She might be a quick fix right now, but it won’t last. You might forget it, but I know you. You’ll get bored. I saw y’all at the ball. You had to drag her onto the dance floor. You love to dance.”

“No, Sarah. I loved to dance because you loved it. I actually hate to dance. And why the hell were you at the ball?” It suddenly dawns on me that Sarah has been watching us all along. The picture that mysteriously appeared on my desk was her way of letting me know it too.

“You took the picture?” I ask in disbelief.

“Yes, and I broke it today too. I can’t believe you had Caleb frame it for you. That was something special he only did for Manda, and you had the audacity to put a picture of
her
in one of Manda’s frames.”

“How the hell did you see the frame? Were you in my apartment?” I ask in shock. Suddenly all the details of the day snap into place. “Shit, that’s one of my guns isn’t it?”

“Oh, don’t sound so surprised. I really thought you would have changed the combination to your safe over the last four years. Before you go and get all ‘officer of the law’ on me, technically, I didn’t break in either. You gave me a key years ago.”

“So you decided to do what? To use my gun to hurt Jesse? Destroy me once again? What the hell is going through your mind right now?”

“She won’t make you happy!” she screams breaking down all over again.

“And you will? Listen to yourself. You don’t want me, you just can’t stand the idea that I don’t want you. This whole situation sucks because there is no one to blame. Not you. Not me. Just the crazy fucked up universe. If I could just point a finger at someone, I think I could have handled this a little better. I’m pretty sure that’s the only way Caleb has been able to survive losing Manda. Blaming you.”

I hear her sobs from around the corner. I need to see her. I know it’s going to scare Jesse, but I need to look into Sarah’s eyes when I say these next words. She needs to know I mean them with every fiber of my being.

I turn to lock eyes with Jesse and whisper, “I’m sorry for this too.”

Just as her eyes go wide with fear, I step around the corner coming face to face with the barrel of Sarah’s gun.

Her hands are shaking and her eyes are wild. Despite the fact that she’s already shot at me once tonight, I know she won’t do it again. I don’t know why I know that with such certainty, but I do. I slowly reach forward and push the gun down.

“Sarah, I don’t blame you for the wreck. Not even a little bit. Even if you were drunk that night, I know you never would have chosen this life for any of us. You were…you
are
a good person. Give me the gun, sweetheart.”

“No.” She begins to frantically back away from me.

“What would Manda say if she was here? Jesus, she loved you so much. She would lose her shit at the idea of you hurting yourself. She was so tiny, barely even reaching your chest, but that never kept her from getting in your face.” I can see the memories flood into her mind, making her smile, before overwhelming her and knocking her to the ground.

She drops to her knees, and throws her hands to her face, desperate to scrub the memories from her mind. I take the moment of weakness to quickly reach forward and pull the weapon from her hand and pass it out the door to one of the officers waiting. Finally, with the threat gone, I begin to say all of the things I should have said in the beginning.

Here, on an unusually warm evening with the true love of my life listening around the corner, is where it ends.

“Sarah, look at me. You have to get some help. For me, for Manda, for Casey, for your sister, for everyone who loves you, but most of all, for yourself. Even Caleb needs to see you get better.”

“What would have happened to us?” she whispers still covering her face.

“I have no idea what could have been with us, but I finally know what will
never
be. You can be happy again. I never thought I would get there, but I have and I know you can too one day.” She lifts her head and stares into my eyes.

“What’s it feel like, Brett? To be happy again?” Her chin quivers at the question.

“It’s indescribable. I feel alive in a way I never have before. After all of the hell we have been through, we know how rock bottom feels. But when you find happiness again, those lows only make the highs even higher. You have to understand you’re not stuck, you’ve just stalled. You can still move forward, figure out who you are, and eventually find someone who will complete the picture.

“Is that what she does for you, complete the picture?” she snaps in angry tone.

Her sudden shift startles me. Her anger doesn’t seem real though, and I begin to realize she lashes out as way to protect herself from the answer.

“Yes, it is,” I say as calmly as possible, not wanting to put her back on the defense.

“I don’t even know how to be happy again.” I know this isn’t one of her games. I can feel the fear in her voice.

“Look at me, beautiful.” Her sad red eyes rise to meet mine. “There will
never
be another Sarah Kate Erickson Sharp, but that doesn’t mean you can’t choose to be someone better. You’re so angry all the time, and that’s enough to make anyone miserable. You just have to open yourself up enough to let happiness in.” She begins to laugh, but there is no humor in it.

“Yeah, happiness worked out so well for us,” she says sarcastically.

“You and I weren’t meant to be together. We were fated for failure from the very beginning. This was never the course I intended to take, but there is no doubt it led me to where I was supposed to be. I’m in love with Jesse. I’m sorry if that hurts, I really am. But you have to understand there is nothing I would change from the last six months. Not even the ability to go back in time. As much as you were my life, Jesse is my future.

“This is the end of any ‘us’ that you might think still exists. I loved you once. If you remember what it felt like to love me, I’m begging you to please get some help. Find your own happily ever after. Find someone who will love you not for the person you were, but for the person you are. Just give it a chance. I swear to you, life won’t always hurt this much. One day the sun will appear, and when it does, I promise you won’t want to miss it.”

And with that final sentence I walk over to Jess, curl her into my chest, and walk away. I can still hear Sarah screaming my name, but I can’t bring myself to care anymore. Surprising the shit out of me, it’s Caleb I see rush the door and carry out the shattered woman. Her arms curled around his neck, as he whispers words into her ear. I take a deep breath and focus back on the only woman who really matters to me.

“You okay?” I ask as we walk away, Jesse tucked tightly under my arm.

“I love you too,” is all she says.

Six months ago, it would have destroyed me to watch Sarah self-destruct in front of my eyes. But because of the beautiful woman in my arms, the one who didn’t comment on all the ugly that just happened back there, I’m alive again. All she heard was when I said I loved her.

On a night that should have ruined me…Jesse saved me with four little words. I can’t stop myself as I let out a quick laugh, dragging her into a hug.

“I love you. I love you. Fuck, I love you. I want to go home. To our bed. To our life together. I want it all and I want forever. Tell me it’s forever, gorgeous.”

She looks up at me with big brown eyes and nods, saying the most incredible word she has ever uttered, “Forever.”

Jesse

B
RETT AND
I have spent the last few hours lying in bed. We’re naked wrapped in each other arms, but there is nothing sexual about it. This is two people who are just thankful to still have each other to hold. Today was hell. There are no other words to describe it.

When I heard the gunshot and saw Brett stumble backwards, I thought my life was over. I’d just witnessed Caleb heartbreakingly try to let go of Manda, and all I could think about was having to sit on Brett’s grave and do the same. When he stood and walked towards me, my heart exploded in my chest. I didn’t know if he had been shot, but I knew I would at least be able to hold him again.

I’ve witnessed firsthand the way death paralyzed Brett and Caleb, but it wasn’t until that moment that I understood why. It was the most painful experience of my life. When Brett explained what he thought happened to me, my heart broke for him as well.

Every few minutes Brett mumbles something I can’t quite understand. He’s not talking to me, but I can tell he’s replaying the day in his mind. When the memories get to be too much, I feel his heart begin to race just before he gives me a deep, agonizingly slow kiss. Each time he grows hard against my leg, but he never takes it to a sexual place. He doesn’t need that connection tonight. He just needs to feel me in his arms.

Occasionally he will roll us over, but he never lets me go. He drags me over with him, keeping me curled tight against his chest. We must have stayed like that for hours before he got to a point where he could actually talk.

“How did you end up at Manda’s grave?” he asks with a small quiver to his voice. It’s so unlike Brett. Even in stressful situations, he’s always cracking jokes. It worries me a little, but I give him the time to figure it out on his own.

“Caleb showed up to check on me. He said you told him we split up, and he wanted to see how I was doing. He looked so sad, Brett. I could tell something was eating away at him, but he still made time to come see how I was doing. He’s a good guy.”

“Yeah he is, gorgeous,” he says, running his fingers through my long hair.