Celebromancy (26 page)
“Yes, ma’am.”
Chapter Nineteen
Shout It All Out
Cosmic Studios has announced this to be
The Year of Creatures
. The film juggernaut is re-releasing its Classic Creature Cinema Series on Blu-Ray, starting with
The Orcs Return
on April 17, and continuing with
De-Evolution
on July 18,
Dragonstrike
on August 23, and
Panther-Fly
on September 12, with more to be announced.
—Plugged.com, January 17, 2012
Ree booked it out of the trailer, through the short hall, and then down the stairs as fast as she could, the trailer door slamming against the outside wall. Ree stopped at the base of the steps to look, and the door guard pointed.
“There. It sounded like Grant.”
Not that Ree knew who Grant was, but the direction was enough for her to bolt toward the noise, dipping into the energy of
Buffy
for a boost. She hurdled metal fences, dodged huddled extras, and tore down the pavement until she passed the last trailer and turned to see.
Monkeys. Well, apes, really. But her mind went to Giant Freaking Monkeys. And these weren’t normal gorillas. The same hairs on the back of her neck were on end that danced a jig when big-time Magic was going on. So, magic gorillas. Maybe summoned, like the other creatures Alex had been sending her way. Hopefully not demon gorillas.
One particularly large gorilla was hunched on the roof of one of the carts used to shuttle personnel and props around the campus. It howled to the sky, hammering its chest with its fists, while another two were cornering a cluster of crew and extras in one of the three-sided tents.
“Ook ook,” Ree said, grabbing the apes’ attention. One of the two turned to face Ree, as did the roof-rider.
The roof-riding gorilla bounded down and landed in a crunch of corded muscle in front of her. It looked . . . bigger in person than on TV or fifty feet away like she’d seen them in the zoo.
Ree took a step back, which the gorilla took as an opportunity to charge.
Doubting even
Buffy
-level strength would stop a gorilla head-on, Ree jumped the charge, clocking the gorilla upside the jaw with a kick as she went. The gorilla stumbled and fell under her, and she saw a second one following close after. She dodged forward and left this time, diving under the gorilla’s long arms to strike the beast under the armpit.
Need weapon, stat.
Ree reached into her bag and pulled out the lightsaber, glad that she hadn’t used it since yesterday and would be topped off full of mojo.
She ignited the blade, and the gorillas took pause when they saw the glowing blue sword.
“That’s right! Kicking it Old Republic–style, Grodd,” Ree said.
But it was still three on one, the third gorilla joining its companions.
“Get out of here, I’ll take care of them!” Ree said to the cast and crew. Crew members dragged off a fainted actor, but the gorillas ignored them, instead moving to circle Ree.
“Who wants it first?” Ree asked, turning constantly to keep them all in her field of vision.
One of the gorillas obliged, so Ree turned and chopped down through its outstretched arm. The arm hit the ground with a wet thump, and the gorilla roared, reeling back. The other two charged as one, and Ree jumped, sweeping the lightsaber down to ward them off. Ree landed on the roof of an uncrumpled cart. Now she had the height advantage, and the gorillas’ heads were in snicker-snack range.
She took a swing, but the gorillas were out of measure. Instead, the gorillas hunkered down and bullrushed the cart. Ree started to jump off, but lost her footing. She turned the drop into an attack, cutting deep into one gorilla’s back.
The one-armed gorilla tackled Ree from the left side, knocking her out of the air. The creature landed half on her as they tumbled to the ground. Ree turned the lightsaber on it, and it went limp. She heard the bubbling of dead monster moments later as she stood, which took the
Am I killing endangered animals?
worry right off of her plate. She had been about 95% sure already, but to her knowledge, no normal breed of gorilla dissolved into ichor upon death. She would have remembered something like that from Bio class.
That left only one gorilla, which she held at bay with her glowing blade. The sewage-and-blood smell of the monster’s remains reached her nose, mixing with the rubber and asphalt of the lot.
I’ve got this
, Ree thought as she prepared to dart forward and finish off the last creature.
Then there was an earsplitting cry from across the campus, followed shortly by a
BOOM!
Looking past the gorilla, she saw a plume rising into the air, smoke curled around flame.
“Fuck!” Ree said, diving forward, spearing the gorilla through the chest, and then continuing on. She poured the
Buffy
mojo into her legs again, moving with Six Million Dollar Man speed.
She saw the silhouette of something large moving through the air and heard another scream.
Shit. Wow. Fuck.
It was a dragon. A
No shit, there I was
dragon, blood red and looking like it had just winged its way out of
Sucker Punch
, soaring through the now-upturned floodlights.
The dragon shot out another breath attack, and Ree leaned to her right to move away from the blast. She grabbed a guardrail and swung herself around to come at the dragon’s side.
Except that it was twenty feet up. And that everyone around her was running around in full Dragon Panic Mode.
Ree looked to the lightsaber in her hand, then up at the dragon. Wrong tool for the job. She deactivated the blade, stuffed it back in her bag, then rummaged around for a better weapon.
Sonic screwdriver? No. Phaser? Maybe
. Ree’s hand ran over wool, and she started cackling. Ree pulled out a quilted cap and pulled it on.
But this was not any cap, no, it was a quilted version of the iconic helm of the Dovakiin from
Skyrim
, seen in all the covers, signage, and pretty much anywhere that the game was promoted, including viral videos that had bred like bunnies across YouTube earlier that year.
Ree looked up to the dragon, then bellowed the most famous made-up words of the year.
“FUS RO DAH!”
Ree heard a swelling of music as the Dovakiin theme filled her ears and the wave of force shot up toward the dragon. The force knocked the dragon sideways in the air, forcing the creature to turn and buffet its wings to regain its balance.
But once it did, it turned and focused on Ree.
Ree dashed behind another trailer, hoping people had already evacuated the giant hotbox. She felt a wave of heat as the blast hit the trailer. The vehicle wobbled, but didn’t roll over. Ree fumbled in her bag for a ranged weapon to go along with the cap. She could theoretically try one of the other shouts, but only “Fus Ro Dah” had hit even the gaming mainstream. Any of the other ones she could use wouldn’t have a sliver of the ambient energy to pull from.
If only
Community
had actually shown the Rod of Dragon Control in their D&D episode. The D&D movie had one, but that film was so reviled that its prop might not even work on a hatchling.
As she ran, Ree counted down the recharge on the shout, hoping she’d get another use before the dragon cornered her. She probably couldn’t get any blasting magic out of the cap, so she’d need another weapon, since even shout-assisted, going into melee against a dragon seemed like a exceptionally dumb idea, especially without armor. She reconsidered the phaser, plucking it out of her bag despite its being not as sexy as some options. Hers was pretty low-grade, just an old plastic toy.
She raised the phaser and fired at the dragon’s flank, the beam zapping up and connecting just above the haunches.
Said creature did not budge.
“Figures,” Ree said, doubling back behind the trailer again as she looked for another option. The phaser wasn’t an original prop, wasn’t even one of the more respected and beloved replicas. A run-of-the-mill plastic toy just didn’t attract that much nostalgia, and no nostalgia, no oomph.
She did have a trio of batarangs, and her stock of CCG expendables included some ranged attacks. Plus . . . she could improvise.
Ree eyed a stand-up light and hoped that Yancy would forgive her. She pulled the light down, then took a long breath, focusing on applying her
Buffy
-strength. She twisted the pole between her hands, then slammed the twisted joint into her knee. The pipe cracked, leaving Ree with a tip-heavy pole with a broken light (complete with sparks of dying electricity) and a six-foot metal spear. She peeked around the corner of the trailer just as something gigantic went crunch above and behind her.
“Eeep!” Ree shouted as the dragon chomped down at her. She fell backward, throwing the makeshift spear out as a stop-thrust. The dragon aborted its attack, then batted her spear away with its snout before lancing down for another bite. Ree rolled with the spear, dodging the bite.
“Danny!” she called, desperate for backup. Even Buffy hadn’t gone one-on-one with a dragon. (Angel had, but even if you included the comics, you couldn’t say that he’d beaten a dragon.)
She got her footing again and danced with the dragon for a while. It would reach out to bite, she’d counter with the spear-pole, and then they would both jockey for position. The trailer crumpled under the creature’s weight, collapsing in rending groaning stages. The mundane security was nowhere to be found, and Danny hadn’t shown up yet, likely sticking close to Jane.
The dragon unleashed another gout of flame, which Ree was expecting. She dove as far as she could, keeping the spear in hand. She couldn’t risk throwing the spear, since her lightsaber didn’t have half the reach. And if D&D had taught her anything, it was that reach was crucial when fighting Huge or larger creatures.
Ree judged that enough time had passed for the shout to recharge, and waited for the dragon to start another breath attack. She inhaled and then, as the dragon opened its mouth to breathe flame, she bellowed:
“
FUS RO DAH
!”
The first whips of fire cut at her face and the smell of sulfur hit her nose like a pile driver, but the shout pushed them back into the dragon and knocked it off of its perch. The dragon had to billow its wings and take off once more.
Now.
Ree aimed for the neck and tossed the spear with the running-on-fumes remains of her
Buffy
strength. The golden floodlights glimmered off of the pole as it dug into the creature’s neck, just above the left shoulder.
“W00t!” Ree jumped, pumping one fist in the air.
The dragon wavered in midflight, pecking at the spear like a bird cleaning its breast. It grabbed the spear in its maw, pulled it out, and tossed it in her direction.
Fucker has good aim
, Ree thought as she hit the deck. The spear punched through a nearby tent and pierced a craft services table.
Ree looked up to see the dragon climb several stories. It started circling the campus, like it was looking for something.
She cupped her hands and yelled, “Hey, Puff! Where you going? Running away back to Honah Lee?” The dragon did not respond.
Ree dashed by Jane’s trailer, trying not to focus on it, in case the dragon somehow didn’t know which was which. She shouted to the area. “Status report!”
“Status is we’re being buzzed by a fucking dragon!” said one of the guards, his voice cracking.
“Anyone hurt?” she asked, keeping in motion, one eye still on the dragon overhead.
Any response was lost in the sound of another gout of flame. She felt a splash of pain across her back, then smelled smoke. Ree stopped, dropped, and rolled, tearing the cap off of her head and flailing with a distinct lack of grace. She rolled up to her knees and saw the dragon swooping down to finish her off.
To: Julio Reyes
From: Ree Reyes
Sent: 9:57 PM, May 25, 2012
Subject: We Regret to Inform You
Dear Dad,
I know you’re going to be distraught and all, since I’m dead now, but at least I died FIGHTING A FUCKING DRAGON! How amazing is that?
Love from beyond the grave,
Your doting deceased daughter
Ree heard a boom, and the dragon’s snout snapped to the side rather than biting down on her head. Ree turned and saw Danny with a shotgun, advancing on the creature, pumping and firing with military calm.
Badass!
Ree thought as she scrambled back and to her feet, drawing the lightsaber to give herself a fighting chance.
The dragon’s tail hit her like a foot-wide whip, sending her reeling and rolling. She thudded against the side of a trailer, watching Danny continue to advance until the shotgun was empty. Then he pulled out a pistol and reversed direction, firing slow, deliberate shots as the dragon closed on him.
If he’s out here, that sure as hell better mean Jane is fine inside . . .
Ree thought, wondering just how much the dragon’s fire was turning the trailers into microwaves.
But as it went after Danny, stomping tables into kindling and rending through fencing, it didn’t come after her to finish the kill. Ree shook the stun off, thumbed the lightsaber on, and rocked herself to standing again.
She wobbled on her feet and stuttered back a step.
Did anyone get the number on that tail?
Ree blinked until the three dragons tearing at Jane’s triple-trailer merged into one, and she knew where to aim. Ree drew a batarang from her bag, then wound up to throw.
“This is me Tanking! Tank-a-licious! I’m much tastier than them! Spicy Latina right here! Caliente!” Ree threw out whatever came to mind, her mind still fuzzy.
The dragon turned and belched fire at her with that look of disdain only a reptile could manage.
Ree dove to the side, and the world kept spinning when it should have settled into focus once more. Less than a year in the hero game, and she already had a growing collection of concussions and/or concussion-like injuries. Dr. Wells promised that the tenth one came with free permanent brain damage.