Ceaseless (21 page)

              A knock on the bathroom door startled me and I grabbed the nearest tool I could find. 
A pencil sharpener. Not very threatening.

              “Open the door
, Peggy Ann or I’m coming in. It’s real easy for me.”

              Was she Death too? Were there more of them? Did
 they all sing in 
rock bands
 or
 dress 
emo?

              “Fine. I’m not 
gonna beg,” Gee said as she appeared in my room.

              “What are you?” I asked scooting back on my bed holding my pencil sharpener in front of me.

              “What you 
gonna
 do? Peg me with a pencil sharpener? Really?”  Gee shook her head in disbelief and walked over and sat on the end of 
Miranda’s
 bed
, then jumped back up again. “I forgot about the action this thing has been getting lately. I think I’ll stand.”

              “Please just go away,” I begged.

              “First
,
 I need you to ask me about all those crazy
-
ass things you have going through your head. You won’t talk to Dank
, so talk to me.”

              “Are you a death
 too?” I asked
, because I had
 to know if I should be praying for my soul and digging out those rosary beads of Miranda’s.

              “Death is one being. 
Dankmar is Death. He has been and will forever be.”

              “Why do you call him 
Dankmar?”

              “It’s his name. 
Dankmar
 means ‘famous for his spirit
’. It fits. He used to only have the name Death. An old Irish lady gave it to him right before her soul’s departure. She said he deserved a name more fitting.”

              His name meant something? Why did that tug at me? He was Death
, for crying out loud. “Why is he a lead singer in a 
band
?”

              Gee cackled with laughter, “That’s a damn good question. Even Death gets bored. Every few dec
ades he is something different. It all started in the first century when he became a Gladiator. The list is long but the ones that amused me most were when h
e was a pirate in the 15
00s, an outlaw in the 1800s and in the 
1920s
 he was a gangster. He found a music that appealed to him in the early eighties. So now when Death isn’t taking souls
,
 he
’
s a singer in a 
rock 
band. However, one time not to
o long ago he was putting an end to that one too. He had something else that filled his time. That has changed recently.”

              “So Death just walks the earth? He has no other dwelling?” I was having a hard time wrapping my head around this.

              “Yep. He just fills his limited free time with hobbies.”

              “Then what are you?”

              “I’m a transporter. I take the soul once 
Dankmar takes it from the body. I take it up or down. Whichever way it’s going. The ones that go up get another life. It’s pretty simple. Humans try to make it more complicated than it is. The creator doesn’t make new souls often. Only when so many bad have come through that his quantity of good is limited. For example, you’re a new soul.”

              I was a new soul. How strange. People lived their entire life not knowing if they had past lives. Not knowing if they would get another. But I now 
k
new this was my first chance. 
My first experience.
 There was no past for me. This was it
; I only had future.

              “Is it my time to go? Is that why you and Dank are near me? Are you going to take my soul soon?” That was my biggest fear. I didn’t want to die. Surely if this was my first life I would get more than just eighteen short years.

              “Nope, Peggy Ann. You’re time isn’t up. I would be willing to bet you’re the only human alive that has an unlimited lifespan.”
              “What?”

              Gee waved me off, “Nothing
, forget I said that. Just rest assured we aren’t here to take you. However, Dank is fascinated with you. That doesn’t put you in danger. If he were to take your soul he wouldn’t get to keep it. He would lose it. The Creator would then take it. So, you are in no danger.”

              I sat there letting all this information process. I didn’t question it. This made sense. It was crazy as hell but it made sense. I felt complete peace about it. But there was one thing I wanted to make very clear. I lifted my eyes to meet Gee’s.  “I do not want to see Dank again.  Having Death as an acquaintance is not normal.  I realize I’m not in danger but I want to be left alone. I want to date boys who can’t talk in my head and take souls from bodies. I’d like someone who isn’t immortal. Dank is appealing. He’s hard to push away. If he stayed near me I’d cave in and let him closer. I don’t want that. So, please, go.”

              Gee didn’t reply. She didn’t have a witty comeback or smart remark.  After a few seconds I looked up and she was gone. No goodbye. No Gee. And No Dank.

Dank

I’d gambled and lost.

Gee sat quietly beside me. She’d done what I asked her to. Pagan had made her choice. Even before she knew there was a choice to make. I would never be in the running. She didn’t want me near her. She didn’t want to see me again. I wouldn’t be able to walk this world unless I was working. I couldn’t deal with knowing she was here and I couldn’t talk to her. Touch her. Slipping 
the necklace
 she had given me I held it in my hands tigh
tly. This was all I had of Pagan—
t
he Pagan who had loved me
, 
who had accepted me for what I was
,
 and
had 
wanted me anyway. I couldn’t exist with any reminder of her.  I had to leave my memories behind. I had to remember 
who I was and what I was meant to do. No more living in 
the human
 world.

              “She wants me to leave her alone.”  It wasn’t a question. I was just trying to let the facts sink in. I’d do anything for her. I wanted her happy. She wasn’t happy with me. She didn’t love me. Would she ever be able to love me 
in this world where her life wasn’t on the line and she wasn’t fighting for it with me by her side
? I was beginning to see it was impossible. Pagan had fallen in love with me during a time in her life when she wasn’t scared of souls. 
When it all made sense to her.
 She’d needed me and I’d been there to protect her. Had she just loved me because of the circumstances? Had this been what the Deity knew all along?

              “She doesn’t know what she wants, Dank. She’s confused and scared,” Gee said with 
conviction
 in her voice.

              I’d like to believe that were true. But the reality was that things were different now. 
The bond
 we’d formed was no longer something she felt. She was scared of me. She wanted me out of her life. The Pagan who hadn’t lived her entire life seeing souls and experienced the things she had didn’t want to love me. The realization was the worst kind of pain.

              “I can’t stay here. She doesn’t want me. I’m only Death to her.”

              Pagan’s room was dark and her slow even breathing told me she was sleeping. I walked over to her desk and quietly placed the necklace she’d once wanted me to have because her love was unending like the Celtic knot
,
 on top of her notebook
.
 It was hers
; 
I couldn’t keep it but I couldn’t let anyone else have it either. This was Pagan’s. This was one 
memory of me
 that I could leave with her. I walked over to stand beside her bed for the last time. I allowed myself to watch her sleep. From the moment I’d first seen her I’d been watching her sleep. It was a peacefulness I only experienced with her.  She’d taught me that I was capable of love. She taught me to laugh. She taught me what it meant to cherish something or someone completely. I would move on and leave her to this life but what we had would always be 
there
 reminding me of what I once had. When it came time for her soul to leave this body I would have to find the strength to let the only memory of me she would have be lost forever.

“Goodbye, Pagan Moore,” I whispered into the darkness.

CHAPTER 20 

Pagan

              
Sleeping on it didn’t make accepting it any easier. 
It seemed like a really bad dream. I rolled over to see Miranda’s empty bed. 
Another night with Nathan.
 I had two female friends here. One was in heat an
d
 always gone. The other wasn’t human. I was truly alone. I reached for my phone and scrolled down my contacts until I found my mother’s number.  I needed to hear her voice. This must be what homesick felt like.

              
“Pagan? Hey
,
 
H
oney
,
 are you okay?”

              
“I’m okay,” I assured her. I wasn’t one to call home much. The one time we had talked last week
 had been when she’d called me to see how I was settling in.

              
“It’s seven in the morning. I didn’t realize you were capable of being awake at seven in the morning.”

              
“Ha. Ha.  I have three eight a.m. classes a week
,
 thank you very much.”

              
“Oh
, well that explains it. This i
s a new phenomenon. I had to beat you with your bacon in the mornings to get you up before seven thirty.”

              
“I’m a big girl now,” I replied feeling a lump form in my throat. Talking to mom wasn’t making this better. I wanted to go curl up on the couch with her and watch 
CSI reruns
.

              
“You sure? Because something sounds wrong.”

              
“I miss you,” I managed to choke out without crying.

              
“Oh, baby. I miss you too! Are you homesick? I could come visit. Do you want me to come visit?”

              
No. I didn’t want her to come visit because I may not let her leave me. 
“No. I’m fine. I just wanted to hear your voice this morning and tell you that I miss your pancakes. A caramel latte just isn’t the same thing.”

              
Mom chuckled into the phone. “Well as soon as you get home for Thanksgiving break I will have pancakes waiting
 for you
.”

              
“Thanks. I can look forward to those. I need to go now. I’ve got to get dressed.”

              
“Alright. Don’t be late for class. Call me anytime you want to. You’re a beautiful, smart girl and you’ll find your place there real soon.”

              
“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon. Love you.”

              
“Love 
you, 
H
oney. Bye.
”
              
“Bye.”

              
I dropped the phone onto the bed and stood up to go get a shower. My eyes landed on the silver Celtic knot that had once hung around 
Dank’s
 neck. It was lying on top of my notebook. I started to reach for it and stopped. I wasn’t sure how it got here and why it was here. I’d told him to 
leave me alone
. I didn’t like thinking he could be in my room while I was sleeping. I hurried to the bathroom. Getting out of this room and in the real world where people had bodies and weren’t immortal was my ultimate goal.

              
When I opened the 
front door
 of the dorm to head to class I stopped when Jay shoved off from the railing he had been leaning on. He had a coffee in his hands. I knew Jay didn’t drink coffee.

              
“Good morning,” he said smiling and holding the coffee out to
ward
 me. 
“Caramel latte with 
whipped cream
.”

              
“Thank you,” I replied taking the cup from him. “What did I do to deserve morning 
coffee service
?”

              
Jay shrugged, “It gave me a reason to see you. Miranda told me what time you left this morning and I thought I’d see if I could score some 
bonus points
. The fact I get to start my day with you was a pretty big draw.”

              
Smiling I took a sip of the coffee then sighed my approval. “Well, thank you. That’s really sweet.”

              
“I had one more ulterior motive,” he said and rubbed his hands together. That was his nervous gesture. I knew it well.

              
“Okay, but can we discuss it on my way to class
,
 so I’m not late?” I asked stepping up beside him.

              
“Yeah, yeah, of course.” We walked down the stairs and headed for the sidewalk that led to the front of the English building.

              
“
Okay.  What is it you want that you got up to come bribe me with coffee this early 
in th
e morning?
”

              
“I was wondering if there was any chance you’d give me one more chance at a date. Just friends
,
 but
,
 well not just friends. I want to spend time with you. Maybe we could go out to eat and bowling. You used to kick my tail at bowling.”

              
Under normal circumstances,
 this would have been a definite no. However, I was lonely. I needed friends. Jay had been my friend for several years. Spending time with him wasn’t the worst idea in the world. Hanging out with Death was the worst idea in the world. This was definitely a step up
; a
t least 
he 
was 
human
. He wasn’t as sexy and his kisses didn’t make my toes curl
,
 but he was nice enough. 
I couldn’t measure other guys 
against
 Dank. It was unfair. He wasn’t human so therefore a human could not compete.

              
“Sure. That sounds like fun. When do you want to do this?”

              
Jay stopped walking and looked over at me as if he didn’t believe I’d just said yes. He started walking again grinning like I’d just offered him 
money
 instead of agreed to a date. “Uh, tomorrow night. We don’t have school the next morning.”

              
Sure. I needed something to do. “Sounds like a plan.”

              
              
              
           ***

              
Three weeks later and I’d found a comfortable pattern with Jay. He brought me coffee three days a week and walked me to class. We went out to eat with Miranda and Nathan on Tuesdays, we went bowling on Thursdays and Friday night was dinner and a movie. It was exactly like high school. Everything was very organized and 
very 
boring.

              
The one thing I’d learned was that having someone with you all the time did not take away the loneliness. You could be surrounded by people and be lonely. Something was missing. I could almost pinpoint it
,
 but right when it was 
with
in my grasp I forgot
;
 
i
t just slipped away.

              
Tonight I was supposed to go to a study group for my literature class that Dank was no longer in. It bothered me that I missed him. I shouldn’t miss him. The excitement of walking into class knowing he might be there was gone now. I had the excitement of a well planned out 
relationship
. 
I grabbed my 
book bag
 
and
 headed out the door and down the steps
.
 
The l
oud screeching of metal and horns blaring stopped me. Then the twisting, crunching sound of metal 
against metal 
filled the air
.
 
P
eople began pouring out of the dorm
 to see what happened.
 I walked with the crowd closer to the street where the two cars that had collided were now still. Smoke 
was streaming 
out of the hoods. 
The smaller car
 was upside down. I heard people screaming to call 911
;
 others were crying.

              
The shattering of glass drew everyone’s attention to the car that had flipped. The weight the SUV was putting on the wi
ndows must have been too much. No one was moving in either car. I heard girls on their phones around me making 
phone calls
 and telling other people about the wreck. No one seemed to know who it was just yet. 

              
It was then I felt him. I couldn’t see him but he was here. No one else seemed to notice.  Why was it that I did? I scanned both the wrecked cars for any sign of him but he wasn’t visible. The fa
ct I knew he was nearby didn’t 
frighten me. If I was honest with myself I wanted to see him.  
W
armth ran up my arms and I shivered. “Where are you?” I whispered.

              
I got no response.

              
The warmth only lasted a short time and then it was gone. Sirens began to blare and the crowd was moved back. I was numb.

He’d 
gone
.

I was sad. Not because I knew someone in those cars had died. I was sad because he’d been close but I hadn’t been able to see him. Why would I want to see him? Was something wrong with me?

I pushed my way back through the crowd until I was free of the bodies pressed closely together as they tried to 
get a closer look at the accident
. Taking a deep breath I walked over and sat down on the steps. I was positive that our study group 
would not meet tonight
. I just hoped it was no one I knew in those vehicles.

My phone began ringing and I pulled it out to see Miranda’s number flashing on the screen.

“Hey.”

              
“Oh my god. Thank goodness you’re okay. I just saw the wreck on the news and it was right outside 
ou
r dorm. They aren’t releasing any more information so I wasn’t sure. Jay is already on his way over there. I called him and he left work and headed your way.”

              
I wasn’t 
in the mood for Jay tonight. I wanted to go curl up in my room alone and pull out 
the necklace
 I’d hidden in my drawer. 
Dank had left it with me for a reason. I needed to understand why.

              
“I’m fine. I’m not sure they’ll let 
him 
through. I think they have roads blocked off. But I’ll call and let him know I’m safe. It is a bad one. No one knows who it is yet.”

              
“Call me as soon as you find out and you go inside and be safe,” Miranda said in a commanding voice. Smiling, I agreed and hung up.

              
By the time Jay arrived the cars were being 
towed 
off the road and the coroner had pronounced the driver of the smaller car dead and the body had been taken away. The passenger of the other vehicle had also been pronounced dead. All I could think about was that Dank had to live through this daily. It was something he could never escape. Did it bother him? Was there any emotion for him?

              
“Here, I brought you something
 to eat,” Jay said a
s
 he climbed the steps to the dorm 
and sat
 beside me. I hadn’t been able to walk away from the accident. I’d been sitting here watching it. Every moment. Every sob and wail of family members arriving to be told someone they loved was dead. I’d watched it all. They walked away 
tonight hating
 Death. It had taken from them. I could understand their pain but my chest ached for Dank. He didn’t cause the accident. He didn’t choose to have those people die. It was their bodies that couldn’t survive. It wasn’t his fault that their souls could no longer stay inside their bodies. But because of his name and his purpose people hated him. The event in everyone’s life wasn’t an event at all. It was a being. If they only understood that it wasn’t Death’s fault.