Caught (Men of the Show Book 3) (27 page)

At least others can follow their dreams
. Shannon jumped up with her mother to follow Jerry down the hallway to meet her nephew. Maybe vicariously through others, she would find hers.

Chapter 21

Matt walked slowly up the front steps of the Morrison’s home and paused on the stoop.
 

He took a deep breath, bolstering himself, before pressing the doorbell. Soft chimes rang inside the house. He waited and his heart rate multiplied when footsteps moved closer. The door opened and an older version of Karen stared at him.

“Mrs. Morrison?” he asked and at her nod, he said, “I’m Matt Buck. I’m a friend of—”

“I know
who you are,” she said without much warmth. “What are you doing here?”

Matt couldn’t blame her. Three months had passed without a word from him, and even though he missed Shannon tremendously, he’d needed the time to get past the blinding rage he hadn’t been able to control, and get his head straight.
 

It also gave him a chance to collect his thoughts and work out what he would say to Shannon, and while he lacked a clever argument or smooth explanation, the time had come when he had to do something and couldn’t wait any longer to produce the perfect speech. The more he waited, the higher the chance of losing her completely, if he hadn’t already, and he really wanted to prevent that. Even if he’d lost his chance, she still deserved answers and he would give them to her.
 

“Hoping to talk with Shannon, if she’s available. Only for a second,” he added when she appeared to be contemplating slamming the door in his face.

She studied him for a moment before sighing. “I can’t promise you anything, but let me see if she’s willing. One second.”

She closed the door and left Matt standing on the front porch like the unwanted guest he was. He debated whether he should turn around and walk away, trying to gauge if she’d lied and had no intention of getting Shannon. He’d wait a few minutes and if nobody appeared, he’d figure out another way to get Shannon’s attention.

Matt glanced around at the neighbor’s houses in the quiet, upscale neighborhood, feeling stupid standing in front of the closed door, and turned to step down off the porch when the door opened again and Shannon stood before him. Surprise had him momentarily at a loss for words, since he’d been expecting her mother to return telling him to get lost.

“Hi,” he said finally.

Shannon eyed him before stepping out onto the stoop with him and shutting the door behind her. She crossed her arms. “What are you doing here?”

He tried not to let her coldness bother him since he deserved nothing less. “I was hoping we could talk for a minute.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I believe you said all you needed to say in Florida.”

Despite her resistance, Matt refused to give up. He would do whatever necessary in order for her to hear what he wanted to say.

“Please, Shannon. You know I didn’t, and I want to clear the air between us. I’d never forgive myself, otherwise. If after that, we have nothing more to say, I’ll leave, but please let me say what I’ve come to.”

Her blue gaze coolly assessed him, but she finally slouched, giving in. “Fine.”

“Thank you.”
 
He shifted his weight, needing to take some of the pressure off his leg, which sometimes ached after being on his feet for too long. He no longer required the assistance of crutches and finally noticeable progress had been made in his rehab. His leg was stronger, allowing him to do more in therapy to start the rebuilding and re-strengthening of his muscles, a major milestone on his path to recovery, but some caution remained since the bone was still healing.

“I was an idiot the last time we talked. I don’t know what my issue was…
 
Well, I do,” he corrected. “I couldn’t get past the fact I might be losing my baseball career and it was completely out of my hands. I was angry, distraught and everything else in between. I didn’t want to think about anything else, which was extremely selfish of me.”

“Sounds like an excuse,” Shannon said, doubt coloring her tone.

“No,” Matt said with a shake of his head. “It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. It doesn’t excuse my behavior at all. Nothing does. All I can do is apologize and that’s what I’m doing. I’m sorry.”

Her face revealed nothing, but she nodded. “Apology accepted. I can appreciate how hard it was for you to face the possibility of not playing the game you love again.”

Her voice, so flat and monotone, like she was speaking to a stranger, ripped at him, but Matt wouldn’t throw in the towel. He had to keep pushing.

“Stop, please. I know I hurt you. I told you I loved you and that I wanted to be with you, but then I didn’t act like it and I told you to go away. I know you’re pissed at me, so please don’t act like this. Let it out and let me have it. I deserve having you scream at me.”

Her eyes flashed, but otherwise she kept her emotions in check. “I don’t need you to tell me how I’m feeling or how I should be reacting.”

“I’m not. I’m telling you I want you to tell me all the things I didn’t give you an opportunity to say because I wimped out. This is your chance.”

Shannon walked away from him. She stood stiff and straight, but when she turned back, the pain and hurt he’d been expecting filled her face. Her eyes shone with unshed tears. “Why didn’t you call me or anything?” she whispered.

Gratitude filled Matt at this small opening, this proof she still felt something for him. He stepped forward and gently touched her arm. “I know. I was an idiot. I know I keep saying that, it’s weak and it’s stupid, but it’s all I have. I thought about calling you so many times, actually grabbed the phone, but I just couldn’t do it.”
 
He stopped and swallowed hard before continuing, ready to divulge what had been going on in his head. “I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for you anymore.”

Her eyes widened. “That’s ridiculous. Why would you think that?”

“Because I wasn’t the same guy you said you wanted to be with. I was this broken-down version of him, a guy who’d lost the one thing he was good at. What would you see when you looked at me?
 
Not the All-Star or the winner of Silver Sluggers, or an MVP. No, all you would see was a loser. A broken-down loser.”

Shannon shook her head at him, compassion starting to show in her expression. “Matt, that’s absurd. You’re still the same man. Yes, you’re a great baseball player, but that’s not all you are. You’re a great man. Kind, caring, compassionate. You’re still the same person I quit my job to be with. The same guy I wanted to be with whether you’re playing baseball or not. I wanted to be with you.”

“I know that now. I had some help removing my head from my ass, so to speak.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about her?” she asked, changing the subject.

Matt took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Kind of for the same reason, I guess. Jason told me repeatedly I needed to, and I agreed with him, I never intended to hide it, but I could never do it. I didn’t want you to think I hadn’t been able to handle the situation, that I let her control my life. I was afraid it would push you away, especially when our relationship was so new, when we were still struggling to figure us out. I didn’t want to risk telling you and have you leave me because of it.”

“I had a right to know—”

“You absolutely did. I was wrong to keep it from you. I don’t know that you knowing would have prevented what happened, but you could have had your guard up more.”

“And I might have known it was her when she approached me.”

He frowned. “She approached you before?”

“Yes, but she told me her name was Shelly.”

“Jesus.”
 
Matt closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples. He had no idea Natalie had actually made contact with Shannon. Had she’d been aware of the situation, her suspicion might have been raised, preventing things from progressing as they had. His existing guilt ramped up to staggering levels at this new information. “I’m sorry. I really fucked this up.”
 
He took her hand in his. “There’s nothing I can say to tell you how sorry I am and I have no excuse for not telling you. None.”

“Did you ever trust me?” she wondered, her eyes filled with pain.

“What do you mean?”

“You keep telling me all these reasons why you didn’t tell me or why you pushed me away was because you were afraid that was going to be my reaction anyway. Did you ever trust me to stay with you, no matter what?
 
That I wanted to be with you, no matter what?”

He started to insist he did—how could she think otherwise?
 
But then had to admit perhaps he hadn’t. Not completely, anyway. He took in a deep breath and let it out. “I guess I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Shannon asked as a single tear escaped down her cheek. “What had I ever done to not make you trust me?”

He hissed out a breath, pained to see her tears, but he would suffer because he deserved all the pain, guilt and blame she threw at him. “I don’t think it was only one thing. I think it was a bunch of things. The situation with Natalie probably had me subconsciously assuming things, putting me in a dark place to begin with, even though I didn’t want to admit it because, again, that meant she had control. It had a little bit to do with you and your job. You’d been saying your career was all you wanted for so long and then you just gave it all up. Could I trust it was what you really wanted and you wouldn’t regret your decision later?
 
But it’s also me and how I tick. It’s one of the reasons I’m a catcher. I don’t just call pitches and catch balls. I see everything on the field, I direct what’s going on and I coordinate. I need to be on my guard and in control. That’s who I am and that’s who you came to know. So, how do you think I felt when I had these situations where I was very much
not
in control?
 
Of course, I’m going to think it makes me weak and…I don’t know, undesirable. Why would you want to be with someone who couldn’t get some girl to leave him alone and he can’t do anything about it except ask the law to protect him?
 
I didn’t trust that you’d love that guy just as much as the other one.”

She went soft. “Matt. My God. That’s…so stupid.”

He chuckled. “Tell me how you really feel.”

Shannon put her arms around him. “I loved you and I wanted to be with you…all of you, the good and the bad. I never thought any of that stuff. If anything, I think you’ve managed everything as best as you could, given the circumstances. You’ve done admirable.”
 
She stepped back. “I mean, look at you. You’re standing without crutches and you really can’t tell anything’s happened to you. You’re working hard to get back to where you want to be, where others would have given up a long time ago.”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing you don’t hate me,” Matt said

She smiled at him. “I don’t hate you. I was hurt and angry, but I never hated you.”
 
An awkward pause fell between them, neither of them sure where to take the conversation next, before she cleared her throat. “So, I’m assuming you are preparing your suit against Natalie?”

“Um. No, I’m not.”

She cocked her head as if she had misheard him. “You’re not?
 
Why wouldn’t you sue her?”

“Because what would it solve?” Matt said to her. “It’s not going to change the past, make things better between you and me or get me back in the game quicker. She’s a mentally ill girl who obviously needs help. If I sue her, it’s only going to drag things out and hinder everyone’s ability to move on, and that’s all I want. So, I’ll let the law do its job and then let it go.”

Shannon stared at him in disbelief before a small smile lifted her lips. “That’s really…great of you. Most people wouldn’t see it that way and would want to make her suffer as she’s made you suffer.”

He shrugged, uncomfortable with the praise. “I’m not trying to be nice. I just want what’s best for everyone involved. I just want to move on from all of this.”

“And have you?
 
Are you going to be able to play?”

“I’m getting there,” he replied to her first question. “I won’t be able to completely until we’re good.”
 
When she averted her eyes, clearly not ready to discuss them yet, he continued. “But, yeah. I hope so. I’m not going to be able to catch this year, but I can run the bases, so I can be a bat off the bench. Whatever I can do to help my teammates, get back into the lineup before the end of the season, I’ll do.”

She nodded. “That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. That’s what you wanted and—”

“I was wrong,” he interrupted, his eyes strong on hers.

“About what?”

“Baseball isn’t the most important thing. It definitely isn’t more important than you.”

Her blue eyes searched his, seeking out the truth and when she found it, clear and sure, she took a staggering breath. “Matt…”

“Loved?” Matt said as he eyed her for her reaction.

“What?” she asked with a slight frown.

“You said ‘loved’ me?
 
Is it past tense now?”

“No, it isn’t past tense, but I…I don’t know…”
 
She stepped away from him and crossed her arms across her middle.