Catch Your Death (13 page)

But it was completely gone, replaced by a housing estate – new starter homes for couples and young families. Kate pulled up to the kerb and sat silently for a few minutes, staring at the freshly-trimmed lawns and gleaming garage doors. She got out of the car and stood in the road, turning slowly in a circle. Gone.

Why had she thought the buildings would still be here? How foolish. But surely it was reasonable to think there would still be a trace of those prefab huts, the wire fence that surrounded them, all the work and research that went on here. Or that it would have been rebuilt immediately after the fire.

No, it had been erased. The people who lived in these houses – like that guy over there, watering his lawn; that woman sitting reading a fat paperback in her striped chair; those kids kicking a football around – probably had no idea about what had once stood here.

She walked over to the wooden fence that marked the edge of the estate. Here was something that hadn’t changed: the verdant fields and crooked mud paths where she and the other volunteers had walked, allowed to wander as long as they didn’t come into contact with any outsiders. She closed her eyes, felt the sun on her face. In these fields, not so far away, she and Stephen had made love on a hot summer day like this one, beneath an oak tree, her long skirt pulled up, baked-dry grass prickling the flesh of her thighs. She had been so happy. The future was a golden place with Stephen in it.

She closed her eyes again and the images shifted.

The fire alarm screamed, smoke billowed through the corridors, Sarah held her up as they tried to find their way out of Hell…

She sensed Paul and Jack coming up behind her, their shoes scuffing the asphalt, and she wanted to turn to them. But she couldn’t open her eyes.

Outside now, running towards the building, the firefighters carrying someone out. Stephen. Oh god, no, Stephen. And the doctor coming up to her and everything fading.

‘
Kate? Are you alright?’

The images shifted again – back to Sarah, pulling her out of bed. And further back – she and Sarah fighting. Fighting? What about?

Of course.

She opened her eyes and found Paul standing in front of her. For a moment, the walls of time flickered and Paul became Stephen: young, shy, flushed from their lovemaking. But then it was Paul again.

‘
I’ve remembered what happened with Sarah,’ she said. ‘And I can remember her name too. Sarah Evergreen. The Green Eyed Monster.’

CHAPTER 18

Later that night, Kate and Paul sat awkwardly on the edge of one of the twin beds in the hotel bedroom. They were drinking red wine out of squat little water glasses from the en-suite bathroom, and talking softly to avoid waking Jack, who was comatose in one of the beds, snoring gently, his robot tucked under the sheet with him.

Kate had struggled with the decision to invite Paul into the room. They needed to talk, for sure, and there was no way she was going to leave Jack with another hotel babysitter – but it seemed a bit intimate, to be sitting here like this.

Still, she supposed, at least Paul hadn’t even suggested the three of them all share one room.

When they’d booked into this bland, boxy, whitewashed hotel by the roadside on the outskirts of Salisbury (chosen more for its relative cheapness than for any expectation of luxury), Paul had firmly informed the receptionist that they required one twin room, and one single. For a moment she wondered if he thought that Jack ought to be in the single room – well, sometimes you never could tell, with people who weren’t parents. But he’d shown them into the twin room, and announced he’d see them later, for dinner downstairs – he was just going to take a shower in his room.

The room was pretty small, with no sofa or desk or anywhere else to sit; and not really even enough room for one of them to sit on the floor. Paul was wearing shorts, and she a short skirt, and the hairs from his leg were tickling her own bare thigh. She’d moved slightly further away, but before long, he was somehow in close proximity to her again. She couldn’t decide if he was as screamingly aware of it as she was, or even if he’d noticed at all. It was such a small thing, but one which was having the effect of making everything in her body tingle.

‘
It’s been ages since I stayed in a room with twin beds in it,’ she said, gulping wine. ‘Not since the CRU, probably – although these beds are a lot bigger. I’d have got a double room for me and Jack, because he usually ends up climbing into bed with me – but he takes up all the room if it’s a single bed, so then I need another bed to swap over to. We spend all night switching from bed to bed, him chasing me. Easier just to be in a double.’

She blushed. Way too much talk about climbing into beds, and chasing – even though she was referring to a six year old boy.

‘
Did everyone share a room at CRU? Did you share with Stephen?’

‘
Everyone had to share, but they weren’t all twin rooms. There were some ‘flats’, as they were called: like self-contained apartments, with a sort of sitting room/kitchenette, and two little bedrooms off it. More civilized, although the bathroom was out in the corridor. But I was in a twin room both times I went – a much bigger room, like a bedsit. The beds were at opposite ends of the room, and the rooms had an en-suite bathroom. And no, I definitely wouldn’t have been allowed to share with Stephen, even if he hadn’t been staff! Strictly single-sex. We were meant to be in isolation with our roommate. Besides, nobody knew Stephen and I were a couple. He didn’t often stay on site anyway, he had a rented flat in Salisbury.’

‘
Why?’

‘
Well, it was a bit dead up there. He did want some kind of life outside work, you know.’

‘
No, I meant, why didn’t anybody know you were a couple?’

Jack snuffled and stirred in his sleep, reaching out a floppy arm to cuddle his unwieldy robot.

Kate waited until he was still again before continuing. ‘I’m not sure. Stephen made a big deal about it at the time, and I never really understood why. All he’d say was that it was best if no-one knew. That was one of the other things which made me suspicious. I mean, what would it matter, as long as we stuck to the rules when we were on CRU property? But he had a real issue about it – it obviously made him anxious.

‘
When I confessed that I’d told Sarah about us, he was really upset. He kept saying, “This is a disaster, what if it gets out? What if the rest of the staff find out? I’ll lose my job!” At first I just thought it was because he was a bit of a golden boy, and he didn’t want anybody to know he’d been fraternizing with the patients. It turns out there was some daft old-fashioned rule about it.’

Paul smiled. ‘Old Stephen always did have jobsworth tendencies…So, tell me more about Sarah.’

As he spoke, he reached out a finger and softly stroked Kate’s forearm. Kate froze, her eyes open wide with shock and pleasure – but Paul wasn’t looking at her. He gave no sign that he was any more aware of this little movement than he’d been by the fact that their legs were touching. She realized that she was wet inside – really wet. This is ridiculous, she thought. I’m so sex-starved that I’ll probably have an orgasm from some guy stroking my arm! She tried, and failed to remember when she’d last had sex. Probably not since Jack was out of nappies.

Paul waited for her to tell him what she’d remembered about Sarah.

She cleared her throat, willing Paul not to stop stroking her. But at the same time, she couldn’t help shuddering at the memory she’d had earlier, while standing on the CRU site, of Sarah emerging with her from the building, as sooty and sick as she herself was.

‘
Um… no. The last time I saw her was after the fire. I can’t remember much about that night, except that she helped carry me out. She was ill too, so I don’t know how she did it. But I do have a distinct image of her lying on the grass outside, coughing. We were all coughing, from the smoke, and the flu. I didn’t see her again after that – I got taken away to this hospital. I’m sure I asked about her, but for the life of me I can’t remember if I got an answer. Then I went off to the States, and didn’t give her another thought, really.’

The stroking was intensifying, long slow swoops up and down her forearm. Kate broke out in goosebumps all over. She wanted to grab Paul and kiss him, but couldn’t bring herself to. Surely this means he fancies me, she thought? She was so out of practice. Perhaps he was just being encouraging… oh don’t be ridiculous, Kate, she told herself. Of course it must mean he fancies you. You don’t randomly go around stroking forearms of people you don’t fancy. Not like this, anyhow.

‘
More wine?’ She jumped up abruptly, and refilled their glasses. Damn, she thought. Now he’s going to think I wasn’t enjoying it, or it wasn’t appropriate.

But perhaps it wasn’t appropriate. Did she really want him? Or did he just represent the closest thing to Stephen reincarnated that she was ever going to get? She sighed.

Paul looked at her then, and smiled. He patted the bed next to him. ‘So her name was Sarah Evergreen. Why exactly did you call her the Evergreen Eyed Monster? What was she jealous of?’

She sat down again. This time, she purposefully sat a little bit closer, so their legs were touching without either of them having to move.

‘
She was jealous of me and Stephen. I didn’t much like her, she was a stroppy cow. My sort of age, and quite pretty, with all this red hair, and I was really pleased when I first met her, because I thought she’d be fun. She was, at first, but it soon became clear that she had her eye on Stephen. She didn’t realize that we were already an item, so when she started saying how fit he was, and how she’d love to be pressed against the lab benches by him – you know, that sort of thing – well, it was really difficult. I couldn’t say anything, because it was a big secret that Stephen and I were together. It really pissed me off that we couldn’t be open about it – but after a while I just couldn’t keep listening to Sarah going on and on about cute he was, and what she was planning to say to him to get him interested in her – it was painful! And believe me, she really went on about it. There wasn’t much else to do in there, apart from watching TV, so she’d made Stephen her little project. Eventually I decided I just had to tell her.’

‘
What did she say?’

Kate frowned. ‘Again, I can’t really remember. She wasn’t happy, that’s for sure. But we were both quite ill by then – it must have been a day or two before the fire. I suspect that if we’d both been feeling well, we’d have had a big row, but I think she was too out of it to do much other than moan and bitch at me.’ She shuddered. ‘Ugh. She was a pain in the ass. I do remember lying on my bed with a temperature, and her whining away on the other side of the room. I wanted to swat her like a mosquito. But I didn’t have the energy. I felt too crap.’

‘
So you both had colds?’

Kate hesitated. She wished Paul would start stroking her arm again, but apart from their legs touching, he wasn’t doing anything other than listening. She hoped she hadn’t given out signals that she didn’t want to. Although more than likely this was exactly what she’d done, since she wasn’t sure that she did want to… It was all a bit weird. The last thing she’d expected to happen on arrival back in England was meeting a new man. Let alone Stephen’s bloody twin brother! It was insane. She tried to concentrate on the conversation, and not on Paul’s solid, sexy proximity.

‘
Well. I suppose at the time I assumed I had really bad flu. But now I think back to it…. it wasn’t like any flu I’ve ever had. I suppose it could have just been that my temperature was so high that it felt worse than it was. But the only time I’ve ever felt more ill was when I was a kid, with the same disease that my parents….well, you know… died of.’

She felt uncomfortable, in case Paul thought she was courting sympathy, but to her gratitude, he reacted in a completely matter-of-fact way.

‘
Do you think it could have been thing else you had? Some other illness, I mean?’

‘
All I can say is that it didn’t feel like flu. And certainly not like any sort of cold. But it’s all such a blur, and then the fire broke out, and all I can really remember after that was what I told you before, about being in that hospital weeks later, and Leonard telling me I’d got a starred First, and he’d arranged for me to go to Harvard. Anything else just comes in flashes. Or nightmares.’ She paused again. ‘I have a lot of nightmares. But at the time, if I was thinking rationally at all, it wasn’t about the fire, or Sarah, or how ill I’d been…. It was about Stephen. All I could think about was how I’d lost him, and how it felt as if I’d never be happy again.’

She stopped, her voice thick and choked with sudden tears. It felt insensitive for him to see her eyes so full. When she glanced at him, hoping he hadn’t noticed, she saw with shock that there were tears running down his cheeks too.

‘
Oh god, I’m so sorry,’ she said, instinctively reaching out to him and putting her arms around him. ‘I only knew him for a few months – and he was your twin. It must be so much worse for you.’

He swiped his face with the back of his hand, and leaned into her embrace. ‘No, I’m sorry. I’m not usually a crier, honest. In fact, I probably haven’t cried since he died – apart from when the Saints got relegated, of course.’ He smiled ruefully, and Kate was reminded even more strongly of Stephen. He used to have that same self-deprecating humour too.

‘
It’s not nice to see you upset about him, but it’s kind of amazing to be with someone who understands the loss, and who loved him too. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I can’t talk to my parents about him. It’s too painful for them. And Stephen and I didn’t have any mutual friends, so this is the first time I’ve met anybody who… misses him like I do.’