Casteel 05 Web of Dreams (16 page)

My heart pounded with my anger and frustration, but my fragile, weak fists landed insignificantly on the top of my desk. Who would hear them? Who would care? What could I change? I dropped my head to my arms over Daddy's letter and gasped back my cries in deep breaths. Then I raised my head, folded Daddy's first letter neatly, and placed it in my diary. I knew it would grow thin and tattered at its edges from my frequent unfolding and folding after I read it again and again.
By the time Momma came by, I had regained my composure and I was busy packing the last few things I wanted taken to Farthy. Of course, we were going to leave many things here in Boston. Momma had decided some weren't good enough for Farthy; others, she would rather replace with new ones.
"You won't believe this," she said, laughter trailing her words like a tail of smoke. She waved a letter. "But my mother has decided she will attend my wedding after all, even though my horrible sisters won't.
"In fact," she continued, gazing at the letter, "if she keeps to this schedule, she will be arriving here in Boston today."
"When? What time?" A visit from Grandma Jana was always a special occasion. Her visits were infrequent because she hated to travel and she wasn't fond of the North, especially the Northeast, but when she arrived, she always made quite a stir. Momma was less than happy to have her and always breathed a sigh of relief when she left.
Momma checked her watch.
"It could be any time now. I'd better warn the servants, especially Svenson. You know how finicky she can be when it comes to eating. Oh damn. I was hoping' she and my witch-face sisters would arrive together on the day of my wedding, attend and leave. I just don't have the time to cater to her right now. You'll have to help me, Leigh. She likes you more than she likes me."
"Oh Momma, she doesn't," I protested.
"She does, but it doesn't matter. I don't mind. It's a wonder she likes anyone. Now please," Momma begged, "don't put on any long faces. I know she's going to be horrible about my divorce and quick remarriage as it is. If she sees you moping about . . ."
"I won't be moping about," I said, turning away quickly so she wouldn't see my eyes.
"Good. That's my girl, my darling little girl," she said. "Now, what was I going to do? Oh yes, warn the servants," she said and hurried out of my room.
Grandma Jana did arrive a little less than two hours later, complaining bitterly about planes and trains and taxicabs as she entered the house behind her baggage. I heard her shouting at the cab driver who struggled with her luggage, scraping a bag against the door as they came in. Clarence came rushing to the poor man's aid.
It was hard to believe that an elderly woman hardly five feet tall, a thin wisp of a woman, could make grown men jump and stutter so, but her voice snapped like a bullwhip when she was angry and her small, sharp eyes flashed. She had her silvery gold hair pinned back so tightly in a bun that the skin at the corners of her eyes and the top of her forehead looked strained, something which only added to her fierce and fiery demeanor. Even Momma looked terrified and stood back, her hands clasped against her breasts as Grandma Jana swung her cane threateningly at the driver, who was eager to turn over his responsibilities to Clarence. I stood on the stairway, watching.
"Those bags survived baboons- handling them at the airport. I don't intend to have them damaged coming into my daughter's home," she screeched as the driver scurried out.
"Hello Mother," Momma said. She hugged her awkwardly, Grandma Jana keeping her attention on Clarence, who now struggled to carry the bags as gingerly as he could up the stairway. Her eyes found me.
"Well don't just stand there, child. Greet your grandma," she instructed. I hurried down the remaining steps. Grandma Jana gave me a real hug and kiss that warmed me to the heart and held me back. "Goodness, look at you. You've grown nearly a foot and in other ways too, I see."
"I haven't grown that much, Grandma," I said smiling. She grunted and spun around to Momma.
"Before I settle in, I want to hear what's going on . . . every detail," she commanded. Momma's lips trembled as she forced a smile. Grandma looked about. "I don't imagine Cleave is still in his own house," she added.
"No, he's on one of his voyages."
"Humph," Grandma said. She went directly to Daddy's office and threw open the door, pointing inside with her cane. Momma gazed at me quickly, hoping I might think of something to say to help her, but I was just as shocked by Grandma Jana's abruptness.
"Don't you want a cup of tea or to wash up first, Mother?"
"Absolutely not. We'll use Cleave's office," she insisted and walked in. "JILLIAN!" she shouted.
"All right, Mother." Momma shook her head helplessly and followed Grandma Jana into Daddy's office. What had Momma told her about the divorce and remarriage to get her so excited? I wondered.
"Close the door behind you," Grandma Jana commanded as Momma entered Daddy's office. Momma closed it but not properly, and it snapped open enough for me to hear their voices. I glanced up the stairway as Clarence came down, wiping his face. He smiled at me and then went off. There was no one left in the entry hall. I couldn't help my curiosity. I sat on the Colonial bench that was just to the left of Daddy's office doorway, pretending I was waiting for them to come out.
"Now what is all this about Cleave not loving you?" Grandma Jana began. "You weren't worried about that when I got him to marry you quickly in Texas. You were damned lucky to find someone so well off who wanted you."
"You know I was never happy about this marriage, Mother. You know I never loved Cleave and never could." I couldn't believe my ears. Never loved Daddy? Never could? But the story . . . the dazzling stars . . Cinderella . . .
"Never could?" Grandma spit. "I suppose you would have been happier now if I let you marry that worthless Chester Godwin after he had gotten you pregnant, huh? You could love him, I suppose. The two of you could be in a nice shack in shantytown and Leigh could be running around in rags.
"But instead of being grateful that I found you a rich, decent man who would provide you a more than comfortable life, what do you do ... hate me and finally throw it all away for a man nearly twenty years younger!"
The words stung my ears. ". . . after he had gotten you pregnant"? What was Grandma Jana saying? Had Momma been pregnant once before she had me? Did she have an abortion? Was there another child?
"I didn't expect you would understand anything," Momma said haltingly, "and least of ail, care about what I felt, what I needed and wanted. Cleave's an old man now; he doesn't care about anything but his business. I'm too young to bury myself and I'm lucky to find a man like Tony Tatterton. Wait until you see Farthinggale Manor, wait until you see . . ."
"How much does this young man know about your past? Does he know the truth? Have you ever told Cleave the truth or does he still think Leigh's his child?" Grandma Jana demanded.
It was as if some giant, invisible pair of hands had grasped me at the waist and squeezed. I bent over in agony, embracing myself. What was Grandma saying . . . Daddy wasn't my real daddy? Another man had made Momma pregnant and Daddy married her not knowing? Who was I? What a horrible, horrible secret to keep from Daddy and from me!
"Why should they know these things?" Momma said, her voice weakening.
"Thought so." I could imagine Grandma Jana's eyes burning into Momma's face. "Does this Tony Tatterton know how old you really are?"
"No," Momma said, her voice small. "And please, don't tell him. Don't spoil this for me."
"Disgusting. Another life built on lies. I have a good mind to turn right around and head straight home, but I came and stay for Leigh's sake. That poor child having to be dragged through one thing after another by her selfish, vain, foolish mother."
"That's not fair," Momma cried. "I've done everything I can to make her life happy, happier than my own miserable life was. Now she will live like a princess and go to the finest schools and meet the best of society, and all because of me, because of my beauty and what that beauty can do to a man!"
"This will come to no good," Grandma Jana predicted in a biblical voice. "Mark my words. You are a sinner, Jillian!" she hissed. "And much worse, a more stupid sinner than I ever imagined!"
"Well it's all done, signed and sealed, and there's nothing you can do or say about it. You're not running my life like you did in Texas, and I won't have you sneering at everything. This is going to be the most wonderful wedding, maybe the most important social event of the year in New England."
"Humph," Grandma Jana said again.
Momma began to describe her wedding plans. I got up slowly from the
^-
bench, resembling a
sleepwalker as I started up the stairway, still embracing myself.
I would never tell Daddy, I thought. I would never break his heart, and I didn't care what was true and what was not--in my mind and my heart, he would always be my daddy. But Momma, all those lies, those stories. It was as if bubbles were bursting all around me, lights shattering, streamers floating down, my world crumbling like a house of cards or, as Grandma Jana said, a life of lies.
And Momma living the biggest lie of all. Her advice came up in my throat like sour milk. I could still see her face when she said it, wearing the mask of sincerity, false sincerity.
"Remember this, Leigh: nice girls don't go all the way. Not until they're married. Promise you won't forget that."
I won't forget it, Momma.
I turned at the top of the stairway. I wanted to shout it out, let her know what I had overheard,
I WON'T FORGET IT, MOMMA!

I did nothing to let Momma know what I had overheard while sitting outside Daddy's office; but whenever I looked at Momma now, I saw someone different from the woman I had wanted so much to resemble. It was almost as if my real mother had gone away and left this look-alike, this woman who had Momma's hair and Momma's eyes and Momma's beautiful skin, but who was empty inside.

Most of our time was spent discussing the final wedding details anyway. Actually, it was all we talked about. Even Grandma Jana was drawn into the discussions when Momma cleverly asked for her opinion about this or that. And then Farthy, with its magical powers, its mystical presence, overwhelmed her. Despite the way she felt about Momma's leaving Daddy and marrying a man so much younger, Grandma Jana was impressed. The size and the opulence of Farthinggale Manor took her breath away. When we drove through the gates, she wore a look of amazement, wondering aloud as I had wondered how one man could own so much.

Tony charmed her as well, treating her as if she were royalty. If he had had a red carpet to roil out over the steps and snow, he would have done it. He placed her left hand on his right arm and escorted her through the large rooms, explaining who was in this ancestral portrait and that, spending a great deal of time reviewing his history and talking about his parents and grandparents.

At lunch he had the waiters and waitresses hovering around her like hummingbirds. She couldn't lift a spoon or reach for a dish without a servant anticipating her wants and getting it for her. And all the while, Momma stood back quietly with her Mona Lisa smile. Whatever resistance and reservations had been in Grandma Jana when she had arrived slipped away. After I saw the way Tony Tatterton doted on her, flattered her, charmed her with his manners, his good looks, and his wealth, I understood why such a man could win the heart of any woman, especially a woman like Momma.

"I knew Tony would tame her," Momma whispered in my ear when we left Farthy for what would be the final time, for tomorrow was the wedding and when I returned, it would be for good. In the evening, just before I went to sleep, I packed all my photographs and precious mementos. I had left them for the very last moment, clinging to some hope that this really wasn't going to happen. But now my fate was sealed.

In the morning the house was a buzz of activity. Momma flew about from room to room like a bee in a field of wildflowers. She was so flustered and excited that if I asked the simplest question, she would go into a panic and beg me to solve the problem myself. She refused to eat anything for breakfast. I had little appetite, too, but I ate what I could. This was the last meal Svenson would prepare for me; the last meal Clarence would serve. It wasn't until we all headed for the limousine that I realized Mamma hadn't invited Clarence and Svenson to her wedding. The two of them stood side by side in the doorway as Miles loaded our things into the trunk.

There were tears stuck in the corners of his eyes. "And don't forget to come by to say hello when
you come aboard your father's ship," Svenson said. I mouthed a goodbye and hurried in behind
Momma. I felt my own tears sting behind my eyes.
Momma took one look at my face and moaned. "Oh Leigh, please, don't look so downhearted
on my wedding day. What will people think?" "Leave her be," Grandma Jana said. "It's not her
wedding day. She can look the way she wants." "Well, I can't spend my time cheering her up.
Not today. I have too much to do," Momma declared
petulantly. Then she pursed her lips in a pout and
looked the other way. I never realized how much like
a spoiled child she could be if she didn't get
everything exactly how she wanted.
I gazed back at our Boston house. Clarence and
Svenson were still standing on the front steps
watching us drive off. I thought about the times when
I was little and I knew that Daddy was coming home
any moment from one of his voyages. I would play in
the living room and keep one ear tuned toward the
front door. The moment I heard Clarence open it, I
would rush out to greet Daddy and no matter how
tired he looked, he always broke into a wide,
lighthearted smile and held his arms out for me to
rush into them. I would give him a big, loud kiss on
the cheek.
"That's the way to greet a sailor!" he would
exclaim. "Eh, Clarence?"
I could hear him saying it even now. Then, the
house disappeared from sight as we rounded a corner,
and it seemed my childhood was over in an instant. This time when we passed under the great arch
at the front gates of Farthy, I felt the significance of it.
The great estate was now my home, I thought,
whether I wanted it to be or not. The grounds people
were busy clearing every last flake of snow from the
driveway and stairs. Two maids were absorbed in
polishing every bit of brass and iron in sight, and a
half-dozen men were touching up shutters and cleaning windows.
The wedding preparations combined with the
Christmas decorations created an overwhelmingly
festive atmosphere.
There were lights strewn over the hedges,
lanterns dangling from evergreen trees, and tinsel and
gold splattered everywhere. Little Troy's snowman,
although diminished considerably by the sunlight, still
stood in front of the big house. He had placed a top
hat on its head and draped a black tie around its neck.
The sight of it brought a welcome smile to my face,
even though Momma thought someone should have
taken it down by now.
"Oh, it would break Troy's heart. He worked on
it so hard."
"There's a time and a place for these things,
Leigh. Tony's got to stop catering to his little brother's whims." She smiled quickly at Grandma Jana. "Now
that I'm here, that will all change."
Inside the orchestra was practicing in the
ballroom; the kitchen staff was setting up the giant
tables of food. Ushers were gathered around the
minister like football players around their coach
getting final instructions. Mamma went directly
upstairs to her suite to make her final preparations
with the assistance of her hairdresser. There was a
constant traffic of people in the corridors--
bridesmaids, escorts, flower girls and photographers.
A society editor from the
Globe
stood outside the door
to Momma's suite trying to get an interview with
Momma.
Troy was very excited. Every chance he had, he
marched people in to see his toy collection. Relatives
stopped by, cousins and aunts and uncles. I never
would have believed that a house this big could be so
crowded. I didn't think the wedding would have any
sense of order, but when the time came, everyone and
everything fell into place.
I joined the other bridesmaids in the upstairs
corridor. We were each given a bouquet of sweetheart
roses to carry. Troy, as cute as ever in his tuxedo and
black tie, was hurried downstairs to take his place next to Tony by the altar. Finally, there was a deep hush. We heard the first piano notes. Excitement rippled through the faces of everyone in the wedding
party.
Looking angelic in her Victorian wedding gown
with a lace neck smothered in pearls, Momma
emerged from her suite. She smiled through her veil
and paused to squeeze my hand when she stepped
beside me. My heart began to pound so hard and my
face felt so hot, I thought I would faint. I felt terrible
knowing I should be saying something sweet, something loving, to her, but my throat ached from
swallowed tears.
"Wish me luck," she begged.
Luck? What does luck have to do with love and
marriage? I thought. Was it bad luck that Momma had
gotten pregnant with me or was it just stupidity? Was
it just bad luck for Daddy that had brought him to her
that fateful night in Texas, or was it Grandma Jana's
manipulations? Was it good luck or bad luck that
Elizabeth Deveroe had thought of her one day at
Farthy and then brought her out here to meet Tony?
Was it good luck or bad luck that he took one look at
her and fell in love? Did Daddy think it had all been
bad luck? Was he thinking that now?
Where was Daddy this very moment? I
wondered. Was he halfway to Florida, perhaps
standing on the bridge of his ship, looking out at the
sea and wondering about us back here at Farthy? Was
he thinking of me?
"Good luck, Momma," I muttered quickly and
she continued on to the back of the line.
We heard "Here Comes the Bride," and the
procession began. As we descended the great
staircase, I looked down at the sea of faces, at all these
elegantly dressed men and women, who were all
gazing up at us, and I felt as if I were part of a great
show. Momma, of course, was the star. Eventually, all
eyes were on her. I was already in my place so when
she made the turn at the foot of the stairway, I could
see her face. She looked beautiful and ecstatic. She
was just where she had always wanted to be, I
thought, at the center of attention.
And all at once, I wanted to shout, "STOP!" I
wanted to end everything, scream my discomfort and
agony. "How can you all be so gleeful and excited!
How can you all want to be part of this?" I dreamed of
shouting. I wanted to tell all these rich and refined
people the truth. "My mother never told my father the
truth about me. We've been living a lie all this time, and now she has taken me from him and brought me here to live with a man twenty years younger than she
is. More lies. Everything is lies, lies, lies!"
But like the coward I am I swallowed my
dream words. The power of the music, the lights, the
excitement and the sight of Tony standing so tall and
handsome at the altar with little Troy looking so
grown up and serious beside him stopped me. I felt
utterly caught up in this madness, tossed about by its
waves. I glanced at Grandma Jana sitting in the front
row and saw her nod and smile at me. Even she was
lost in the ceremony now. Events were flowing over
us. We couldn't hold them back.
Little Troy peeped out from behind Tony,
searching for me. When he saw me, he smiled and
waved. Tony looked down at him and he drew back
smartly. Then Momma took her place at the altar; the
music stopped, and the words began. My heart
pounded at the sound of them, especially the sound of
"To have and to hold from this day forward, for richer
or poorer, through sickness and in health, 'til death do
you part."
Momma had taken the same oath with Daddy
and it hadn't mattered a bit. What did it mean to say
those words, even before an altar? I studied Tony's face to see what was going on in his mind. Did he think the same thing I thought--she had said these words with another man and broken that oath? Did
she mean them now?
Tony gazed into Momma's eyes as she spoke.
He looked bewitched. In some subtle, mysterious
way, she'd managed to gather in his reins, and now
she was in complete control, I thought. He looked
ready to accept anything and say anything to have her.
I hated him for being so in love with her.
It came time for little Troy to produce the
wedding ring. In his excitement, he rushed to bring it
out of his pocket and dropped it. The tiny clang
seemed to echo through the great entry hall and
everyone in the audience gasped simultaneously so
that it sounded like a giant intake of breath. I saw that
Troy was about to cry, but Tony picked up the ring
quickly and gave it to him to hand it back. Momma
flashed a look of anger and then quickly reverted to
her smile.
The rings were presented, the final words were
said, and the minister pronounced them man and wife.
They kissed and the audience cheered. Momma threw
her enormous bouquet at the bridesmaids and it fell
right into the hands of Nancy Kinney, the most homely looking of all the bridesmaids. Then she and Tony made their way back through the appreciative
crowd of guests and the reception began.
I brought punch and hors d'oeuvres to Grandma
Jana, who sat in the music room and greeted people.
Troy remained close to me most of the time, a little
scared by the crowd and the activity. Two
photographers wandered through the house taking
pictures for the wedding album. A number were taken
of Troy and me standing together, both of us looking
wide-eyed and uncomfortable, me still clinging to my
bouquet of sweetheart roses.
Soon after, the great banquet hall was opened
and the guests were drawn in by the music of the
orchestra. When most everyone was in the room, the
conductor stopped his orchestra and went to the
microphone to announce the wedding party. First all
the bridesmaids entered and then Troy followed. After
a short drumroll, Momma and Tony entered arm in
arm, Momma's face sparkling with excitement. The
applause rose to a crescendo and cameras clicked.
Momma and Tony took the center of the dance floor
and the orchestra began to play a waltz. They danced
as though they had been dancing together all their
lives.
As they turned and moved gracefully to the
music, I couldn't help wondering what my wedding
day would be like. Would I have a grand affair like
this: a full orchestra, hundreds of guests, tons of food,
and a horde of servants? If Momma had her way, I
would. Maybe I would even be married here,
following the Tatterton tradition, which was now to
become my tradition, too. Would my husband be as
handsome and as debonair as Tony? Would I be
deeply in love or would Momma find me some
wealthy aristocrat and convince me to marry him? And when I put on my wedding gown, would I
look anything like Momma did? I saw the awe and the
envy in the eyes of the other women as she and Tony
danced. Not a strand of her gold hair was out of place;
her complexion was perfect. She looked like a
goddess, like a statue of Aphrodite come to life. After a while other couples joined Momma and
Tony on the dance floor, and the reception was in full
swing. Champagne bubbled all around me. I had two
glasses and felt a little dizzy.
I was glad when Troy found me and pumped
my hand, urging me to follow him to "see something."
With the music, the conversations, the tinkle of
champagne glasses, and the peals of laughter trailing behind us, we slipped out of the ballroom and down the corridor to a sitting room in the rear. Troy pushed opened the double doors. The floor of the room was inundated with wedding gifts, some piled three or four
feet high.
"Look at all of it!" he exclaimed. "Tony said we
can help open everything up later."
I could only nod in awe. There was so much.
Troy marched through the corridors of gifts, touching
some, gently tapping on others and then placing his
face against the sides of the boxes to listen and get a
clue about the contents of each. I laughed and shook
my head.
"Are you happy, Troy? Happy now that your
brother has a wife and my mother will be living here
with him?" He stopped his inspection of the wedding
gifts and glanced at me with dark eyes and a somber
face. "Troy? You're not happy?"
He was still silent.
"But why not?"
"Your mommy doesn't like me," he said,
looking as though he would cry.
"What? Why do you say that, Troy?" He
shrugged. "Tell me, please."
"She looks at me with growls in her eyes," he
said quickly. "Growls? What's growls?"
He growled like a dog.
"Oh." I started to laugh, but saw he was very
serious.
"Oh, I'm sure she doesn't mean that, Troy. It's
just that . . just that she's never had a little boy before.
She's only had me and she's not used to little boys.
After a while she will get used to you and you will get
used to her."
He shrugged again, but I saw from the
expression on his face that he wasn't very hopeful. "I'm sorry you're not happy about your brother's
marriage, Troy."
"I'm happy! You're here now, right?" "Yes. I'm here now."
"So, I'm happy," he repeated, clapping his little
hands. "I'm glad about that," I said. "In fact, that's the
thing that makes me most happy, too." I knelt down
and hugged him.
"Come on," he said heading for the door. "Let's
get back to the party. We'll miss the cake."
I glanced back once more at the mountains of
gifts and then returned with him to the ballroom. A special table was rolled to the center. On it
was a sky-high wedding cake with the figures of the bride and groom dancing under the word
CONGRATULATIONS. Momma and Tony were brought to the cake for the traditional cutting of the first piece. Momma sliced it carefully and fed it to Tony, who tried desperately to maintain some dignity as Momma stuffed the extra-large slice into his mouth, but the creamy icing splattered down his chin and over his tuxedo jacket. Everyone laughed and cheered. I was going to join Grandma Jana to have my
piece, but suddenly Momma took hold of my arm. "It has gone well, hasn't it?" She looked about
proudly. "These people will never forget it. They'll be
talking about it forever. How's your grandmother
doing?" she asked, gazing at Grandma Jana, who was
in deep conversation with another woman her age. "She seems to be having a good time." "I'll rest easier when she goes back to Texas.
Who knows what she's saying to these people." I
wondered if Momma feared Grandma Jana would tell