Carides's Forgotten Wife (13 page)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I
F
THERE
WAS
one thing Leon Carides was well acquainted with it was grief.

It was a truth about himself he was certain of as he sat on his bedroom floor, his back pressed against the wall, staring into the darkness. This feeling was old. It was familiar. A yawning cavern that was desperate to be filled.

And fill it he had done, for years. With alcohol, with sex. With work.

But here he was, sober, desiring no woman besides the one who had left him, with no choice but to allow grief to roll over him in waves. That experience was new.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out why he had spent so many years avoiding the emotion. It was desolate and raw. It forced him to examine every dark space inside of him and acknowledge the fact that in many ways he was severely lacking.

Yes, he had defied the odds. Defeating poverty, climbing up the ranks in business... But it was empty. In the end, all of it was empty. What had it accomplished? What had it done for him?

All of that money and he had not been able to buy himself a soul. He had not been able to banish fear.

He had been so afraid that he had denied the existence of his own child.

He stood up suddenly, ignoring the rush of blood that made his head swim. He walked to his bedroom door, slowly making his way into the hall. Terror, his old friend, gripped his chest as he walked down the hall toward his sleeping daughter’s room. Memories from the past mingling with the present as they often did in this situation.

He pushed open the door to the nursery and walked inside, fear and love wrapping itself around his heart in equal measure. He put his hand on Isabella’s little back, breathing out a long, slow sigh of relief as he felt her warmth beneath his palm. As he felt her small heart beating, her back rising and falling with each indrawn breath.

He could have wept with relief. Every time.

And suddenly, a barrage of images flashed through his mind. But they weren’t memories. They were visions of the future. Of Isabella growing up. Walking, going to school, dating. Driving. Going away to university.

The thousands of ways he would never be able to protect her. He would never be free of this terror that resided in his chest. Not where she was concerned. She was too precious to him. And the world around them was too uncertain.

Love would always carry this terrible weight.

He reached down and picked up his sleeping child, cradling her closely to his chest. She made a small, squeaking sound as she nuzzled deeper into him. He placed his hand over the back of her head, relishing the feel of her softness, the sweet scent that was unique to new life. He had never thought he would have this again. He hadn’t wanted it.

The cost of it. There was no way to calculate it. It could tear you apart in a thousand different ways. With worry, with grief, with loss.

But this moment... In this moment he thought it might be worth all of it.

Something so valuable would never be free. It would never be without cost or risk.

He sat down in the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery, something he had not done with Isabella before. He had done it with his son, all those years ago. Sat and rocked him endlessly, singing songs that were probably inappropriate because he hadn’t known any lullabies. Because he had been a seventeen-year-old father.

A small smile tipped his lips up as he began to rock Isabella.

Such a beautiful soul his son had been. He never let himself think of him. He’d buried this. This grief. This love.

But he knew for certain that if he never allowed himself to feel pain, he would never experience anything true. The past sixteen years of his life were a testament to that. The buzz from drinks faded, the pleasure from meaningless sex lasted only a few moments. None of it was real. It was all too
easy
.

The real things, the true things...they were quiet. They were darkened nurseries, sleepless nights. Vows that bound you to another person for life. They were simple. They were hard.

Babies, and beautiful women with blue eyes.

They were the impossible things.

And the most important.

It had been so easy to coast through life, as long as he wasn’t allowing himself to remember what it was to feel. Ironically, he had to lose all of his memories to feel. To remember what it was to feel.

He had to get past the lies so that he could experience something true.

He had told Rose he was hollow inside. He had told himself the same. That he couldn’t love her. He had told himself that from the moment he had begun to see her as a woman. He had prevented himself from touching her because he knew that once he did she would touch him, deeper than he ever wanted anyone to go. That she would reach down deep, all the way to his scarred soul and try to force him to feel again.

He knew what love was. That was the problem. He also knew what it cost.

But now he was sitting here, having lost Rose. Having hurt her. It didn’t matter if he had intended to avoid feeling things for her... It was too late. He had felt things for her from the moment he’d taken her into his arms on the night of her prom.

And that was why when he had run from her, he had run so hard.

He was still running. All these years later.

“I think it’s time to stop.”

* * *

Leon had established a meeting with her so that they could discuss custody. She hadn’t seen him for a week. She hadn’t seen Isabella, either, and the loss of both of them ate at her like a vicious beast.

She was miserable. This bid for independence, for self-worth, had a high cost. And she was still on the fence about whether or not it would be worth it in the end.

As she walked into the manor, a wave of sadness washed over her. But it wasn’t memories of her childhood that made her ache for this place. It was memories of her time with Leon. Of her time with Isabella.

The family she wanted to make, the real family, not a fantasy or a vague dream. The family she could have if she was just willing to take something less than love.

But if she took something less now, then she would always take something less. She had proved that for the past twenty-three years.

She blinked, continuing on up the stairs, and to Leon’s office. This was like submitting to torture. But for Isabella, it was worth it.

When she walked in, Leon was sitting behind the desk. She just stood there, staring at him for a long moment. As if somehow looking at him now could get her through the rest of her life.

The sad thing was, she would see him again. She would see him hundreds of times. Thousands of times. But she wouldn’t touch him. She wouldn’t have him. Isabella bonded them together. Prevented her from walking away completely.

She looked away from him. “All right. I hope that we can see to all this as civilly as possible.”

“Why would you have concerns about my civility?”

“Maybe it’s mine that I’m worried about,” she said.

“You have always been perfectly civil.”

She looked back at him. “Yes. And I’m through with that. I’m tired of blending into the wood paneling of this old estate. I’m tired of trying to be accommodating to you. Just as I was accommodating to my father. I’m tired of waiting around for things to happen simply because I’m so quiet. Because I’m so good.”

“You aren’t quiet or good at all,” he said, his voice frayed. “If you were you would still be here with me.”

“Yes. Warming your bed as you saw fit and getting out of your way when you decided you wanted to warm someone else’s.”

“When did I ever say I wouldn’t be faithful to you? You were the one who decided you couldn’t believe me.” He cleared his throat. “But that is not what we’re here to discuss.”

“We’re here to discuss custody,” she said, swallowing hard.

“No,” he said. “I lied. I asked you to come here because I wanted to give you something.”

She blinked rapidly. “What?”

“Only everything.” He pushed a stack of papers over the desk toward her, then stood. “The house. The company. Everything. It’s yours. There are no conditions. You love this house. And the company should always have been yours.”

“But you can’t... Our marriage means it’s yours. I left you, which means I’m the one who forfeits it.”

He shook his head. “Your father told me to take care of you. And I failed at every opportunity. At every turn. I told myself I was protecting you by staying away from you, when I was, in fact, protecting myself. Ensuring I could have everything I wanted at no cost to me.”

“But...”

“This is your home. Your history. Your legacy. I never want you to feel as though you have to be with me to have it. I never want you to feel as though I kept on taking from you. Not after what I took already. Though... Rose, I swear I will be faithful to you. If you would have me.”

“No,” she said, taking a step back. “I can’t. I can’t put myself through it.”

“I am giving you everything! And my word. Why do you not believe me?”

“It wasn’t about believing you. It was about believing in myself. What would you say if Isabella wanted to marry a man who didn’t love her?”

He looked as though he had been punched in the face. “I would tell her to stay far away from any man who didn’t see her as the treasure that she is.”

“And you would ask me to take less?”

“Yes. I would have. Not because I think you deserve less, Rose. But because I wanted you. I wanted you and I didn’t want to have to give everything to have you. From the very beginning.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I told you that when we danced together the night of your prom I wanted you. But what I didn’t tell you was how much deeper it went. Because I didn’t want to acknowledge it to myself. I didn’t want to admit it.”

“What are you saying exactly?”

“I’m a coward. I told you I didn’t know how to love. I wished that I didn’t. For so many years I wished that I didn’t.” He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “I did. I could see it in your eyes, every time I looked at you. And... Dear God, Rose, you have no idea how much I wanted to reach out and claim that. To claim you.”

He hadn’t moved. He was still standing behind his desk, the large expanse of furniture between them. And she was still standing there, frozen, unable to take the chance. Unable to make the move. For fear of rejection.

Just
rejection
. She had been running scared for so long for fear of something that wasn’t even fatal.

She looked at Leon, and she understood. For the very first time, she understood. It wasn’t rejection he feared. It was loss. Loss he had experienced on such a keen, deep level. He had lived his entire life in avoidance of feeling that kind of pain ever again.

“And then I thought... Rose, I thought that if I married you, perhaps I could put my feelings for you in a separate compartment. Perhaps I could have you without truly having you. Without being changed by you. That was why I didn’t come to you on our wedding night. Because I figured out very quickly that could not be. When I kissed you, the world turned upside down. It inverted beneath my feet, and I knew that if I were to ever put my hands on you, if I were ever to join my body to yours I would never be the same. And I had been... I had been changed by love already. I have been broken by it.”

“I know,” she said, her tone hushed.

“No. I don’t think you do. I don’t think you really understand what I’m trying to say. Because I didn’t truly understand it. I had to be reduced to nothing so that I could understand exactly what I was. So I could understand what I was running from. When everything was removed, there was nothing but the truth. There was nothing but you. And I... I loved you easily. When there was no past... It was so simple to love you.”

Her throat tightened, her chest feeling like a heavy weight was settled over the top of it. “Please don’t. Please don’t torment me with this. With the fact that you loved me when you didn’t remember—”

“I’m not trying to torment you. I want you to know the truth. All these years... All this time... It was the broken things that kept me from you. It was the damage in my soul. But there was one part of me that recognized you from that first moment. That recognized you were my truth. That you were life. But I ran from it. Because I was afraid of what it would do to me to want again. To hope again. To love again. And when I woke up in that hospital bed I didn’t have fear. I had you. And I was free to have you.”

“But now you remember again. So all of it was for nothing.”

He slammed his hand down on the top of his desk, knocking over an hourglass, the glass clattering against the wood. “No. It was for
everything
. Because before, I had kept myself protected. Before, I had prevented myself from touching you out of a sense of self-preservation. So while I had the fantasy of what it might be like to have you, I didn’t have the knowledge. But I have it now. When all of the fear was removed I claimed you. And I can’t forget that.” He put his fingertips on the side of the hourglass, turning it back onto its end. “I think I forgot myself sixteen years ago, not two months ago. I lost myself in grief.” He looked up at her. “I do not want to forget again. I do not want my destruction to be the legacy of my son who I love so very much. I do not want the man I have been to be my legacy.”

She struggled to take a breath, struggled not to hope. “It doesn’t have to be.”

“I will always be afraid. I will always be afraid of losing you. I will always be afraid of the dangers that lurk around every corner when it comes to Isabella. Because that’s what it is to love. But it’s only a small part. Loss is only great when love is great, and I had allowed myself to forget how truly great love was. I would not even allow myself to remember Michael with any sense of joy. It is difficult. It is difficult to remember something you lost. But he was beautiful. And I should remember him that way. I should remember my time with him that way.”

“Leon... There is no right way to deal with such a thing.”

“There are wrong ways. Marrying a woman, wishing to possess her without actually caring for her, betraying her... Betraying your marriage vows, that’s the wrong way. I have been such a coward,” he repeated. “And you... You were brave. You stood out there in the rain and you demanded more for both of us. I was the one who could not give that to you. But I asked you to come here today not to discuss custody, and not even to sign over the house and Tanner Investments.”