Can't Wait to Get to Heaven (11 page)

Where She Had Gone

A
s soon as her sister Ida threw open the doors at the end of the hall, what Elner saw was so stunning, so dazzling, it almost took her breath away. Standing before her was a set of sparkling crystal stairs leading straight up into the sky, all the way up to the big round moon at the very top.

Elner turned to Ida with tears in her eyes. “Oh, Ida, it’s prettier than I could have ever imagined.”

“I thought you’d be impressed,” said Ida.

It wasn’t until after they had started their journey up the stairs that Elner noticed Ida was carrying a purse. She thought, “Only Ida would bring her purse with her to heaven,” and she laughed out loud.

Ida asked, “What’s so funny?”

Elner said, “Nothing, I was just thinking about something, that’s all.”

Norma had been the one who had put Ida’s purse into the coffin with her, because she said her mother had said a woman was never fully dressed without her purse. She started to tell Ida that it had been Norma’s idea but changed her mind; any mention of the coffin and Ida might bring up Tot Whooten again.

After they had been climbing up the stairs for a while, the sky suddenly began to grow a darker and darker, almost midnight blue; soon hundreds of tiny little stars started appearing and began twinkling all around them everywhere, above their heads, even under the stairs. It couldn’t have pleased Elner more. She had always wondered what it would be like to walk around in the sky among the stars, and now she knew. A lot of fun.

As they went farther up the stairs, the big moon at the top seemed to grow larger and started turning a creamy yellow and gold color, and began glowing in the dark like a billion lightning bugs. It was a long climb but Elner was surprised at how easy it was, and remarked to Ida, “You’d think climbing all these stairs would wear me out, but I don’t feel one bit winded.” As they got closer to the moon it changed colors again and started turning from gold into a bright glossy white, and then just when they reached the top step, suddenly right before their eyes, the moon turned into a big, round shiny mother-of-pearl button.

“Ohh, interesting,” said Elner. At that moment, as they stepped on the last step, an archway in the middle of the button opened up. When Ida and Elner stepped inside, the sun was bright and shining, and it was daytime again. Elner stood there for a moment and looked at what she figured must be heaven. It was not all white clouds and angels flying around as she had expected, but lovely. As a matter of fact, Elner thought it looked a lot like the big botanic garden in Kansas City, where Ida had taken her many times. The grass was deep green and lush, with highly colored flowers blooming everywhere.

Ida said, “Well?”

“Very nice,” she said, and when she looked up she noticed that the sky was not one solid color, like it was at home. Here it was more iridescent. She held out her hand and the colors of the sky sparkled on her skin in pinks and blues and soft greens.

“This is just like walking inside a rainbow, isn’t it, Ida? Hey, remember when that woman wrote in to the
Neighbor Dorothy
radio show and said how she and her family stood in a rainbow…Now I know just how she felt.”

As they walked along, Elner thought of something else. “Hey, Ida, now am I going to get to know all of life’s mysteries? Don’t they say that when you are dead, that all will be revealed?”

“I really can’t say, Elner, I’m just an escort. The rest you will have to find out on a need-to-know basis.”

“I sure hope I find out life’s mysteries. I’ve been just itching to know what they are. Can’t you give me a little hint?”

“I’m sorry,” said Ida, “but no.”

“Well, if you can’t tell me any mysteries or revelations, you can at least tell me what God looks like, can’t you?”

Ida said nothing and kept walking.

Elner scurried to keep up with her. “Let me ask you this then—does he look like his picture? I’m not going to be scared, am I?”

Ida said nothing again but did shake her head no, to let Elner know she had nothing to be afraid of.

“Well, to tell you the truth, Ida, I’m a little worried. I’ve done a couple of things he might not be too happy about. One thing for sure, I should never have given little Luther Griggs that Ex-Lax and told him it was chocolate candy. I must have been out of my mind at the time. Can you plead temporary insanity? What do you think?”

“I think you are in for the surprise of your life.”

“Ahhh,” she said. “Am I going to be surprised a little, or a lot? Will it be a good surprise or a bad surprise?”

“All I can say, Elner, and then I will say no more, is I suspect that you are going to be very pleasantly surprised.”

Elner was somewhat relieved. “Well, good,” she said, and thought, “If he doesn’t bring anything up, I’m certainly not going to say anything.” But after they had walked a few more feet, she had still another inquiry.

“Can I ask him questions or am I just supposed to stand at attention and listen?”

No answer.

“Should I curtsy, kneel down, or what?” Elner wanted to do the right thing, but Ida was still not forthcoming and no help whatsoever.

“Well, at least tell me one thing. Do you think he’s going to be mad at me?”

Ida, true to her word, would say no more, and it irritated Elner no end. “She knows,” she thought, “she’s just not telling me. Typical.”

As they strolled along the path, Elner suddenly thought of something. “Hey, Ida, whatever happened to the Knott family Bible? The last time I saw it, Gerta had it, but then after you died nobody could find it.”

“I buried it.”

“Where?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Why did you bury it?”

“I thought it was for the best.”

“Why?”

“Because, Elner, there is personal family information in there that doesn’t need to get out in public, that’s why. You don’t want just anybody knowing your business, do you? And why do you care?”

“Because I would like to know how old I am, or was. I must be close to ninety right now, don’t you think?”

“Oh, Elner,” she scoffed. “I don’t pay any attention to those things, and what difference does age make anyway. You’re as old as you feel, I always said.”

Elner knew Ida was holding back information. Ida knew exactly where she had buried that Bible and how old they both were. “Plus,” thought Elner, “Ida was no more fifty-nine when she died than the man in the moon, and any person who would still lie about her age even after she’s dead is pretty vain, if you ask me.”

As they continued on, Ida thought back on the day their other sister, Gerta, had died. It had been a cold gray freezing day and she was wearing a big fur coat and had been able to stick the rather large Bible under her arm and get out the door with it. She knew, of course, she could not burn a Holy Bible, or throw it in the river or rip out the offending pages or anything blasphemous like that, so she hid it until spring, then wrapped it in cotton, put it in a large airtight Tupperware container, and buried it in her rose garden. She had no regrets or guilt about it. She had always lied about her age, and she saw no reason to stop now. Besides, shaving a few years off here and there was not really lying, it was a matter of survival.

Had the Jenkins family known that the girl their son Herbert wanted to marry was at least eight years older than he, they might have frowned upon the marriage. She had barely managed to snag a good husband as it was. Herbert’s father had owned several banks around the state and was quite prominent. Herbert had not been much, but he had been her last chance to move up in the world, and she had made the most out of it. In fact, she had squeezed every last drop out of every advantage that she had, being the wife of the president of a bank. Even though it was only a small branch bank in the small town of Elmwood Springs, she had been as puffed up as a powder pigeon over it. However, keeping up appearances, plus hiding her true age, had been exhausting. She had almost been caught once, when some mean jealous person had shown Herbert her high school annual. She had lied, of course, and said it was not her: it was another Ida Mae Shimfissle, a distant cousin that had moved away years ago. And Herbert, a trusting man, had believed it.

And then after all that, Norma had married the Warren boy, who had no promising future at all, except to work in his father’s hardware store. It had broken her heart. Even when Norma told her how happy she was with Macky, she never understood her own daughter. “Happy? Cows are happy, Norma, and look what happens to them.”

Verbena Tells Cathy

V
erbena must have called the newspaper office a hundred times, but the line continued to be busy. By this time she was so frustrated not being able to reach Cathy and tell her the news, she was red in the face. She could not stand it a moment longer, so she put the
BE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES
sign on the door of the cleaners and walked across the street. When she opened the door to the
Elmwood Springs Courier
office, she heard Cathy still talking to someone on the phone. She went into the back office and Cathy looked up, put her hand over the receiver, and said, “I’ll be off in just a minute,” and gestured for Verbena to have a seat. She was just finishing up her weekly interview with the school board president, gathering the latest updates concerning the ongoing fight about whether or not to include the theory of Intelligent Design along with Darwin’s theory of evolution. When she saw Verbena, Cathy figured she was here to talk about that and knew she was in for an hour of Verbena arguing to include creationism. But Verbena surprised her when she reached across her desk and wrote on a piece of paper in big black letters “Elner’s dead!” and put it in front of Cathy and banged on it with her finger. Cathy glanced down and said, “What? Are you serious?” Verbena nodded. “Pete,” Cathy said, “Elner Shimfissle just died, let me call you back,” and hung up. “What happened?”

“We don’t know, but Ruby got the call from the hospital a few minutes ago, I tried to call you as soon as I heard but the line was busy. You need to get call waiting.”

“I know I do. Well this is just terrible news.”

“Isn’t it? I’m just heartbroken over it, and Merle is beside himself, life just won’t be the same without Elner, will it?”

“No.”

“I have to get back, but I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.”

“Yes, thank you for telling me, Verbena.”

After Verbena left, Cathy reached over and took the phone off the hook. She didn’t feel like talking. Elner Shimfissle was dead. It was hard to believe, she had been so sure that Elner of all people would survive a few stings and a little fall off a ladder. She shook her head and thought how strange it was that she of all people, who wrote about life and death every day, was still mystified by the whole thing. “Here today, gone tomorrow, here’s your hat, what’s your hurry, don’t let the door hit you in the back when you leave.” A person lives for years, touches so many people, and then at the end winds up just a small picture and a few paragraphs in the paper, the paper gets thrown away, and it’s all over.

Cathy had written hundreds of obits before and had just finished doing Ernest Koonitz’s yesterday, but Elner’s was going to be a hard one to write. Although hers was only a small town newspaper, when it came to writing obituaries, Cathy always took her time and tried to write something interesting, offer a little variety and do more than just facts. After all, other than a birth announcement or a wedding, this was one of the few times most law-abiding citizens got to see their names in the newspaper. Also it was important for the family to read something a little special, something they could keep and be proud of, and she wanted to do a particularly good job on Elner’s obit. She opened the drawer, pulled out a piece of paper, and glanced over her list of suggested phrases.

Died

Died suddenly

Died peacefully

Passed away

Left this world for another

Met his/her Lord on

Was taken to heaven

Was delivered safe in the arms of his/her Lord and Savior,

Departed this life

Made his/her transition from this earth

Is happy at the side of his/her Maker

After finishing, she put it in the drawer. Somehow, writing this one, she didn’t feel like trying to show off her literary skills. This one she would write from her heart.

Mrs. Elner Jane Shimfissle, longtime resident of Elmwood Springs, died yesterday at the Caraway Hospital in Kansas City. A fun-loving person who knew no strangers, she enjoyed gospel music, visiting with neighbors, feeding the birds, and was a friend to all living things. She delighted in making fig preserves and decorating and hiding Easter eggs in her backyard for neighborhood children. She was preceded in death by her husband, Will Shimfissle, sisters, Mrs. Ida Jenkins and Mrs. Gerta Nordstrom. She is survived by her niece, Mrs. Norma Warren of Elmwood Springs, great-niece, Mrs. Dena Nordstrom O’Malley of Palo Alto, California, great-niece, Linda Warren, and five-year-old grandniece, Apple Warren, now residing in St. Louis, and her beloved cat, Sonny. She will be greatly missed by all who knew her. The family requests that all donations be made to the Humane Society.

After she completed the first draft, she put the obit in the basket on her desk. She would add all the funeral details later. She then got up and went into her photo file and found the two pictures of Elner. One she had taken sixteen years ago, of Elner holding an orange cat, the one with the six toes. She had been so proud that day. The cat had just turned twenty-five and she had given it a birthday party. Cathy sat there for a moment, looking at Elner’s smiling face, then took out her checkbook and wrote a check to the Humane Society in memory of Elner, it was the least she could do. After she finished writing the check, she sat back and wondered where her life might have taken her if it had not been for Elner. She certainly would not have been able to go to college. She had a college scholarship but her family had not had the money to pay for room and board, once she got there. She had been heartbroken at the time and had told Mrs. Shimfissle. The next day, when she walked by the house, Mrs. Shimfissle called out to her, “Hey, Cathy, come here a minute.” When Cathy walked up, she had handed her a blue envelope with her name on it. When she opened it, to her surprise she saw that it contained ten one-hundred-dollar bills.

“I can’t take this, Mrs. Shimfissle.”

“Don’t be silly, it’s just a little egg money, besides it will make me happy to think I’m helping somebody get a good education. We need more smart people in the world.”

Cathy had paid the money back, of course, but she had always hoped to be able to return the favor in some other way, do something really nice for Elner, but now it was too late—she was gone.