Can't Get Enough of Your Love (38 page)

• Weeping when given her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame two years ago, Katharina gave her “best acting performance since
My Honey Love” (Hollywood Insider)
. Only two photographers and one network showed up for
the non-event. The network promptly posted Katharina's three-minute sob session online, and it's been a running joke on YouTube.com ever since.

• Considering herself a singer after her memorable humming scene in
My Honey Love
, Katharina cut
Lovin' My Honey
, a CD that contained ten instantly forgettable love songs. Sony pressed 50,000 CDs; 813 sold. The remainder has been “selling” for $0.01 on EBay at two per year.

   
And I'm one of the idiots who bought it
, Vincenzo thought.
My cat liked it. Katharina's a good hummer. Lyrics, however, gave her (and anyone listening) the blues
.

• Her self-styled director of photography (Sven, since fired) had so angered the technical staffs on
Oprah, Ellen
, and
The Tyra Banks Show
that producers for those shows no longer considered Katharina for guest spots. Since then, she manages the lighting herself on whatever talk show will have her, reportedly asking that there be no “shine” on her face and that the cameras capture her only from the waist up.

   
Why is she hiding her lower body?
Vincenzo thought.
She is in outstanding shape and has the nicest legs!

• For her pre-Oscar party fifteen years ago, Katharina tried to get
Vogue
to foot the bill, but
Vogue
wouldn't ante up for her dress, makeup, fifty dozen roses, and reportedly $100,000 for
champagne. A caterer from Glendale did the event at last notice. Several stars showed up for a few minutes and left soon after. She hasn't thrown a party since.

   
The wings were good
. Vincenzo thought.
Even the pigs in a blanket weren't half bad
.

• At the height of her “powers,” Katharina could phone Il Pastaio in Beverly Hills and close it down just for herself and (at that time) a number of men reputed to be her bodyguards. According to an Il Pastaio worker, even though no other diners were in the restaurant, her bodyguards still surrounded her so the wait staff couldn't see her eat. “She said we couldn't speak to her or even look her in the eye,” the worker posted on HollywoodGossip.com. “And then she had the nerve to order won ton soup! The bitch ordered Chinese food in an Italian restaurant! On top of that, she didn't even leave a tip! I'll bet she even expected her meal to be comped! It's the same with all these divas! They expect the world to lick their shit and ask for seconds!”

• In one of her most infamous acts five years ago, Katharina refused to walk the red carpet at the Kodak Theater for the Academy Award ceremony (on
live
television) until the carpet was
completely
empty. Though un-nominated since
My Honey Love
, she stayed in her purple limousine for half an hour, delaying the arrivals of many other stars, several of whom were actually up for awards. Reed Richards,
the eventual best director winner, had to go through a side entrance. She then ordered her limousine driver to “stay put until I finish this phone call and I'm inside the theater.' (“Note: Although I have not confirmed this,
E!
claims her “thirty-nine-minute sashay up the red carpet” is by far the all-time record. The delay allowed photographers to get cigarette breaks and pushed the entire ceremony back thirty minutes—Penelope.”)

• The O'Gara Coach Company of Beverly Hills has taken Katharina to court over non-payment of a “grey-violet” Bentley Azure convertible. According to court documents, Katharina placed her order, signed all the necessary papers at noon, and demanded that the Bentley appear in her driveway no later than 8
P.M
. O'Gara told her that one was available in San Francisco and would have to be shipped south to her. “She wanted no mileage at all on the odometer,” O'Gara Coach Company owner Wilson O'Gara said. “She wanted zeroes all the way across.” O'Gara was able to deliver the Bentley on time, but O'Gara says that Katharina balked when she saw a “1” on the odometer. O'Gara refused to take the car back, and the Bentley still sits in her driveway. The court case is ongoing, and “birds have reduced the convertible top to a chunky ashen blob of goo”
(Los Angeles Times)
.

• Katharina allegedly calls ahead to stores and boutiques so that they can clear their stores before her arrival. (“Note: She obviously prefers
to shop alone and unmolested, another gross form of vanity—Penelope.”)

• In her most recent interview, a quarter-page blurb (no picture)
four
years ago, Katharina said, “I guess I am allergic to marriage. I do
not
want
any
man to see how I really look in the morning.”
(Jet)

   Vincenzo looked glumly at Katharina's financial information. After
My Honey Love
, she commanded five million for each of her next three Lucentio pictures, none of which rated more than three stars but did well at the box office. After that, she constantly demanded to be paid as much as “the white heifers in Hollywood”
(Variety)
. She left Lucentio Pictures entirely after that when she was offered fifteen million for
Miss Thang
.

She made a
total
of ten million for her next
thirteen
pictures, hadn't worked in over four years, had fired, rehired, and fired her agent, and had to reduce her “porta-posse” from twelve to four. She retained her makeup artist, dresser, hairstylist, and one assistant, Bianca, who presumably took care of Scottie.

Why am I about to do this?
Vincenzo thought.
Oh yeah. I fell in love with Katharina in
My Honey Love.
We all did. The entire world did. It was Lucentio Pictures' first hit movie and opened the doors for many more. I was there when they filmed it, I've seen it a hundred times, and I still tear up at the end
.

While Vincenzo served as an assistant to the director, Pietro had had a bit part as a taxi driver in the unforgettable humming scene with Katharina. She handed him a card with an address, she got in the back, he drove, she hummed her guts out with tears streaming down her face, and she threw her fare money at him.

All in only
fifteen
takes. Pietro did nothing wrong, but Katharina blamed him for her miscues. The shots of Pietro eyeing her through the rearview mirror never made the picture, but the look in his eyes said: “She's the one for me.”

Either that or his eyes said, “I hope she dies a slow, horrible, painful death.”

Vincenzo was never quite sure what his brother's eyes were saying.

But that was fifteen years ago when Pietro and Vincenzo were just starting out, learning “the business” from the ground up until they could one day take over Lucentio Pictures from their ailing father Antonio, son of Frankie Lucentio, the legendary and flamboyant founder of the independent film company. Now that their father had passed away and Pietro had taken his part of the inheritance north of the border to Ontario, Canada, Vincenzo was in complete control of a
thriving
independent film company, consistently nominated for (though never winning) awards at Sundance and Cannes and usually doing well at the AFI Dallas, Palm Springs, and Santa Barbara international film festivals.

He buzzed Penelope, ancient but stable, able, and the only person his father and grandfather ever trusted. “I'm ready, Penelope. Send ‘em in.”

Let's get this charade started
.