Cannibal Dwarf Detective: An Ephemeral Beardening (9 page)

Chapter 21

           
Jeac sits by the fire, stuffing his face with food and smoking tobacco. His
disgusting beard smells like death. Ted Lincoln talks for days about war,
women, beards, food, and the ancestry of the giants and how they came to be on
Chandaka. Jeac pays no attention to him because I don’t feel like writing
dialogue. But imagine the coolest thing ever and this would be it.

           
Jeac is laden with bags of fancy meats and tobacco before he heads out. Ted
Lincoln stops him at the door.

           
“Jeac, wait! I almost forgot. If you are ever in danger simply call out the
dwarf call. ‘Help my dwarf brethren, I am in danger.’ Sure enough, we might be
there.”

           
Ted Lincoln shakes Jeac’s meaty hands and sends him on his way.

           
“Thank you, Ted Lincoln,” Jeac says. “It has been an honor.”

           
He opens the door and waves goodbye to Ezekiel, his new best friend. Jeac
smokes his pipe and walks as a born-again dwarf back down through the city
where the dwarves all gather and give him goodbye kisses and hugs. He notices a
few of them have shiny new weapons and jewelry. Some of the younger dwarves are
even sucking on rather large bones, but he discards the thought and keeps
walking.

           
As Jeac reaches the entrance his dwarf lover that has had no previous mentions
in any of the other chapters approaches.

           
“Where are you off to, Jeac?” she asks. “I know you ain’t leavin’ without
sayin’ goodbye, fool.”

           
Jeac drops everything and gets naked.

           
Esmeralda is a sexy dwarf with a big smile. She is gorgeous, sweating profusely
with sausage-like fingers and a comb-over beard for hair and breasts made of
pancakes. She could stop an entire fleet of galactic navy ships. The two
dwarves lay down together and {REDACTED}.

Chapter 22

           
Ranch and Baby stand at the edge once more. They look out into the darkness of
space. Bits and pieces of the planet drift about and crumble. On one of the
floating pieces stands a random tyrannosaur for some reason. He waves a small
stumpy arm at the two of them. Then he explodes.

           
“Well that was weird,” says Ranch Dressing.

           
“Yes, but not as weird as some of the other stuff we’ve seen on this planet,”
says Water Baby.

“You know what I just realized,
Baby?”
“What, Ranch?”

“Way the hell back in the first
chapter, I sprouted wings and jumped from the top of the tower and flew!”

“Well that makes us look like idiots
considering we walked all the way through the scorching desert and nearly died,
but didn’t because I kept us hydrated.”

“I know, right?” says Ranch. “But
that is behind us. Like my tail. The point is we can fly down under the planet
to see what Go was talking about!”

“Who the hell is Go?” asks Water
Baby.

“Oh, he’s the homeless janitor wizard
who lives in the tower and probably projected that shadow.”

“Why are you explaining everything?”

“Because this story is dumb!”

           
Without saying another word, Ranch begins to look horribly constipated. His
muscles tense and his knees bend a little. With a loud grunt and the dropping
of a deuce, two wings explode in a fountain of flesh and blood from his back
and begin flapping. Water Baby drips into a canteen.

           
Ranch focuses and flaps his wings until they are free of excess viscera. He
takes off from the ground and flies in a loop until he is upside down and under
the remaining Chandakan dome. It is a massive place. Millions of strands of
rope span from the undersides of the planets old tectonic plates. They connect
to a big ass bucket.

           
As they fly by the bucket they bear witness to a horrific sight: bodies falling
from the blackness of a column in the center of the dome.

           
“What the hell is that?” Baby asks because she is stupid.

           
“Didn’t you read the book? That column above is the murder shaft. The cops drop
bodies down it into that there bucket to keep weight on the ropes holding the
planet together.”

           
“That doesn’t work within actual laws of physics but okay, I’ll take it.”

           
“I think, having read the book before, this is where I am supposed to be
outraged! So. I am outraged!” says Ranch Dressing, outraged.

           
“I too am outraged!” Water Baby yells. “Let us fly up the shaft, dodging bodies
and kill whoever is at the top dumping them!”

           
“Great idea, Baby! You’re so sexy right now.”

           
They swoop over the bucket and glance down long enough to see that it is half
filled with blood and parts. They both vomit and it lands in the bucket,
weighing it down a bit more. Ranch looks straight up the murder shaft and
starts flying up and dodging the fresh corpses of citizens killed in the name
of preserving the planet. A single dot of light at the top of the vast shaft
occasionally blinks in and out of existence as the dead blot it out and fall
past.

           
As they speed towards the top the shaft narrows and they violently ejaculate
out and past two confused looking Sky-Cops.

           
“Hey! What the hell!” One of the cops yells and jumps backwards using his
jetpack because he is lazy and fat.

           
He pulls his gun out of his crotch mounted holster and tries to level it for a
shot at the velociraptor but misses. Ranch spirals through the air and swoops
towards the cop big claw toe foot thingy first. The large talon-like toe rips
through the cops’ armor and drags up through his chest, neck, and skull. He is
left in an awkward position on the ground, not unlike the empty shell of a pod
of peas.

           
His partner, standing next to a vast mountain of dead Chandakan people, is in
shock and soils himself. He drops to the ground quivering. Before he can do or
say anything, Water Baby flies down his throat and starts expanding him. He
explodes and the water within cleans him away instantly.

           
With the killing done, the two turn and look at the mountain of the dead in
sadness. Neither knows what to do. They sit there for a good hour thinking and
talking and planning. Suddenly a door at the far end of the roof bursts open.
They ready themselves for another fight but quickly calm as they see Go the
janitor approach.

           
“Don’ worry ‘bout the corpses. I got it under control,” he says. “You two go
down the tower and get some people for the thing with the stuff.”

           
“What’s going on? Why is Go here?” Water Baby asks.

           
“I think the authors want to wrap this damn thing up,” Go replies. “So I came
here to help. You’re probably confused as hell. There are a few factions in the
tower who know the truth because I told them because I’m awesome.
Unfortunately, two of the factions are dead and the last faction is just you
two guys. I’ll join you after I’m done being awesome here on the roof.”

           
Raptor and Baby head towards the exit, but stop and turn back around when they
hear the sound of magic. You know, waffles popping from a toaster. That fresh
baked smell. The anticipation of tasting them on your tongue. That’s what magic
sounds like.

           
Go is standing next to the corpse pile and waving his hands above his head and
doing all kinds of crazy drugs. A rumbling starts and the pile warps together.
It forms a column in which features, sharp and lifelike, begin to emerge.

           
“Go, what are you doing!?” Ranch dressing shouts.

           
“I’m makin’ a gat dang blood golem, because why the hell not?”

           
Sky-Cops kick in the door and knock Ranch backwards. He runs and jumps off the
side of the building because he can still fly and taking the stairs would be a
complete waste of time. He makes the assumption that the blood golem was
designed to distract the Sky-Cops, but no, Go is just insane.

           
As he gently touches down at the base of the tower he looks up and sees both
blood and people flying off the sides. He steps laterally to avoid being
crushed by the upper torso of a particularly beefy sky cop.

Chapter 23

           
Go is laughing maniacally and has pulled off one of his own arms. A Sky-Cop is
lying on the ground in front of him; arm up to defend from the mad wizards’
blows. The janitor-wizard utters an incantation and the arm becomes enchanted.
Now spiked, it breaks the arm of the Sky-Cop right off. The screaming man tries
to use his bloody arm stump to protect himself, but it is futile. His head is
caved in and explodes into a thousand pieces. Go picks up his body and hurls it
at the blood golem who assimilates the parts and grows in size.

           
The golem flails and punches with its skull-knuckled fists. Sky cops either fly
from the top of the tower or are split into pieces and promptly absorbed into
the ever growing flesh mound.

           
After joining with forty Sky-Cops the golem’s weight is too great for the roof.
It drops through and as it does, Go jumps onto its back and slams his arm back
into his socket.

           
“Down with the tower!” he yells, wide eyed. “Down with the C.D.P.D!”

           
Three floors of the tower collapse beneath the weight of the bleeding beast.
The cities around the holes swarm with curious people wanting to know what is
going on. You know, because they’re curious.

           
Intestine-like tentacles shoot forth from the top of the blood golem’s arms and
shoulders and grab those too close to the edge. Rubble, blood, and bone drop
from everywhere.

           
Hovering down from the opening above, the sky cops open fire with their
sub-machine guns. Go shields himself and his evil creation with a
palm-generated magic barrier. The bullets stop mid-air and Go launches them in
all directions. They kill indiscriminately.

           
More bodies. Bigger golem. Go uses his mind to levitate all of the nearby
jetpacks to the golem’s leg. They bind there and slow the beasts’ descent.

           
Through an opening created by a wild punch, a group of Ronin stare at the
golem. Their hands grip the hilts of their katana. Mu stands among them. He
spots Go riding on the golem’s shoulders.

           
“Brother!” he yells. “Why do you do this insane thing!?”
            “Brother?”
Go asks. “We stopped being brothers the moment I was expelled from the Ronin
for being so awesome.”

           
“Magic, unguided and uncontrolled, is not awesome, Go! It’s evil!”

           
“What’s evil is what this tower stands for! What it literally upholds!”

           
He clenches his teeth and his fists and angles his arms up at the opening the
Ronin watch him from. Two columns of white light spiral towards the opening,
but before it hits Mu yells, “Go!”

           
It causes some confusion. His men don’t know if he’s telling them to attack or
if he’s addressing his brother. Most of the Ronin jump anyway. They bounce off
the walls and towards the golem. Swords drawn, they stab and climb and hack at the
beast. Mu has landed right on the back of its head.

           
Go faces him and pulls what was once a Sky-Cop rib from beneath his feet. He
runs his hand over it and it becomes sharp as hell. It could probably do really
well on the SATs.

           
Mu rushes forward with his katana above his head, poised to strike. When Go
swings his rib-blade sideways, Mu lunges to the right and past, avoiding it.
Three of Go’s fingers fall to the ground and become part of the golem. Mu’s
katana swings downward again at Go, who is just turning around. He drops the
rib-blade and catches the sword between his hands. He catches it late and the
edge of the weapon brushes the top of his head.

           
Blood trickles down off the tip of his nose. His arms start shaking violently
and a sound, high-pitched like the whistling of a tea kettle, accompanies the
destruction of Mu’s blade. Its shards fly in all directions, lacerating the
brothers’ faces. They jump back away from each other.

           
Sky-Cops drift down and attempt to engage both the golem and the Ronin.

           
“You see?” asks Go. “They don’t care about the factions or the people. They
care about defending their horrible secret!”

           
He lunges forward and snot-rockets a fireball from his nostrils.

           
Mu puts his palms together and water sprays out, hydrating his skin. The flames
extinguish.

           
“You don’t think they care about stopping a maniacal wizard and his flesh-born
hell spawn!?”

           
“That is beside the point, Mu,” Go says. “You’re helping them defend a lie!”

           
He punches Mu in the stomach with a now rock-covered fist.

           
“The planet has been dead for centuries. How many more people must die to keep
the ruse in place?”

           
“You’re a hypocrite!” Mu spits out, wincing. “You’re killing just as many
people as they are!”

           
He grabs Go by the wrist and sends pulses of electricity into his veins. Go’s
blood boils and he drops to the ground and rolls away.

           
“No,” Go says as he pushes himself up. “No. They kill just enough to keep the
planet from drifting apart. I’m killing everyone. No people. No lie!”

           
They both shoot a continuous stream of generic looking roto-scoped movie effect
lightning at each other. It collides and cracks and whips about. A Sky-Cop
wrestling with a Ronin mid-air has the misfortune of crossing the streams and
both he and his rival are vaporized.

           
As they push their magic to its limit, a ball of light forms in the center of
the crackling waves of electricity. It grows in size until everyone is
consumed.

Chapter 24

           
Jeac prances gleefully through the desert and towards the tower.

           
“Damn. Those pancakes were scrumptious.”

           
Jeac looks at the imaginary book camera of your mind and shrugs.

           
“What? You thought redacted meant something else?”

           
The camera that is your mind pans around behind Jeac, who is now looking at the
tower and sees the ball of light that did that thing at the end of the previous
chapter.

           
“I didn’t know the suns could set on the tower,” he says to no one in
particular.

           
The ball of light collapses in on itself and erupts outward. It creates a
shockwave and destroys the upper third of the tower. Various colored lights
bounce around atop a colossal beast that swings its arms relentlessly.

           
A Ronin flies from the explosion and lands at Jeac’s meaty feet. Flabbergasted,
Jeac jumps back and screams.

           
“What the hell!?” he screams as he jumps backwards, flabbergasted.

           
The man is mangled and his katana has pierced his skull and only slightly
missed his brain.

           
“Wizard fight, fool!” the dying man yells.

           
“No way, bro,” Jeac says. “I’ve got to get up there!”

           
Jeac lights the man a fatty tobacco stick and shoves it into his face.

           
“Yeah, man,” the Ronin puffs. “Shits pretty nuts. Good luck.”

           
Jeac runs towards the tower in a quickly motion. The closer he gets to the
tower, the more people and body parts along with gallons of blood are flying
down around him. Dodging the mutilated corpses as he makes his way into the
front doors of the tower, Jeac rushes to Armando’s office, and struggles as he
opens the door because of all the garbage that has built up.

           
“Jeac, over here,” Armando says. He waves Jeac over to a cubicle that is just
outside his office. “They set me up with this because no one can open the door
to my office. There’s too much crap in there.”

           
Jeac squirms his face about and is shaking his body in anticipation.

           
“What’s wrong with you?” Armando asks.

           
“The wizard duel!” Jeac says. “Have you heard?”

           
“Oh, piddle. That’s right!” Armando replies. “Jeac, we’re pissed and you have
to go up there and stop it. The duel. Wizards. Bad.”
            He points
his hand toward the ceiling, shrugs, and makes a pbbbt noise. Jeac smirks the
smirkiest smirk ever.

           
“Yes, sir!”

           
Jeac trips over Armando’s pipe on the way out, completely shattering it.

           
“Get the smirk out of here you bastard,” Armando says.

           
Jeac rushes toward the elevator but it’s crowded with people. As he tries to
shimmy his way through the crowd a banana figure approaches from behind and
grabs the dwarf by the sack (the one full of mustaches) and pulls him away from
the crowd.

           
“Watch out you crazy potassi-man!” Jeac yells.

           
Alfonzo throws a mashed up banana into the crowd and jumps back with Jeac.
Everyone explodes against the walls and ceiling, creating a thick paste that
weighs down the elevator. It falls into the shaft below.

           
“Hooray,” says the banana. “Jeac, I wanted to tell you… I’m coming with you.”

           
He punches Jeac in the face and then they venture up the stairwell to the very
tippy top of the tower.