Business as Usual (Off The Subject) (19 page)

I was an idiot.

I was an idiot about lots of things. The last thing I fully remember is Ben telling Tina’s friend to let me go, then everything else is a blur. Somehow Britt had a bat, and I remember Ben walking with me in the cold. But I have no memory of getting here. Looking around, I’m sure this is his room.

He brought me to his apartment.

He stirs in his chair, releasing a small groan. Guilt quickly replaces my initial feeling of panic. He spent the night in a chair instead of his bed. He could have slept next to me, but he chose the chair instead. My chest warms with gratitude and something else I can’t figure out. Respect? Admiration? It goes deeper than that.

Before I can give it more thought, Ben stirs again and his eyes blink open. He jolts as though he hadn’t meant to fall asleep, and sits up when he sees me watching him. “You’re awake.” He sounds relieved. “How do you feel?”

“I’m awake,” I say, my voice scratchy. “I’m still trying to determine the rest.”

He collapses the foot rest of recliner. “You need water.” Hopping out of his chair, he opens the door and disappears down the hallway, returning with a glass of ice water. He sits on the edge of the bed, slowly as though he’s afraid of startling me. “Can you sit up?”

I nod, but pain stabs my temples when I try. I close my eyes.

“Let me help.” He sets the glass on the table and slides his arm under my upper back, gently pulling me into an upright position. “Let’s take this slow.”

When I’m sitting up, he doesn’t drop his arm, just leaves it there to make sure I don’t fall down again.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“My head’s pounding, but I can live with it.”

He picks up the water and hands it to me. “You need to drink this. But not too much. I have no idea if it’s like a hangover. For all I know, you might get sick.”

I nod and take a sip, waiting to see if my stomach’s going to stage a revolt. When it seems to react fine, I drink more.

After I finish, Ben takes the glass and sets it on the nightstand. “Do you remember what happened last night?”

I close my eyes. I want to go back to sleep and stay there forever. To take the humiliation of last night with me. I cringe. “God, I’m an idiot.”

“Hey.” Ben’s finger is under my chin, tipping my face up. I open my eyes and stare into his green ones. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Act embarrassed.”

“It
is
embarrassing.”

He cradles my side against his chest, his forehead against my temple. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I try to laugh, but it hurts my head. “I was stupid. Something very, very bad could have happened to me.” And when I let myself think about what could have happened, I feel nauseated. “Thank you,” I say and it seems so inadequate. Ben saved me from being raped, I’m positive of it. I’m not sure I could emotionally survive something like that again. I know Reed couldn’t.

“Right time, right place,” he finally says, his forehead still resting against my temple.

“How did I end up at your place? I’m assuming it’s your place.”

“You begged me not to call the police. You said you were worried about your brother finding out. I didn’t have any numbers to call since your phone’s password protected and I didn’t know what else to do, so I brought you home with me. I only live a block from the bar. I hope that’s okay.”

Reed
. He’s probably freaked out. How am I going to explain being gone all night? Maybe he didn’t notice. Since Caroline started living with us, he’s stopped knocking on my door to make sure I’m still breathing. For all I know, he never even realized I was gone.

I sneak a glance at Ben. He could have called the police and been done with me, but he helped me even though he owes me nothing. “Why are you being so nice?” My voice is husky. “You don’t even know me.”

“Maybe I want to get to know you better.”

I want to get to know him better too. But there’s the problem. I’m incapable of having a relationship. Brandon taught me that. Apparently, meaningless sex is all I’m capable of, and only when I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. I sag against him, disappointment shooting through my body.

“Are you still tired? Do you want to go back to sleep?”

My traitorous mind imagines lying on the bed with Ben. His comforting arm around me. The thought is dangerous. “What time is it?”

“Uh…” He looks around for his phone, finds it in the recliner and leans over to grab it. “Seven-thirty.”

If Reed
has
figured out I’ve been gone all night, he’s probably flipped his lid. The longer I put this off, the harder it’s going to be. “I should go.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, instead his fingertips make slow back and forth movements under my shoulder blades. “Do you feel up to driving?”

“I do, but my car isn’t here. It’s in Tina’s parking lot.”

“
Tina’s
parking lot?”

“I met her at her apartment.”

“That reminds me.” His hand stops its movements and I already miss it. “I have some bad news.” His arm tightens around my back. “Tina wasn’t happy when she left last night. She said she wasn’t going to give you the name because you hadn’t met all the criteria.”

I close my eyes and suck in a breath. All that humiliation for absolutely nothing. Ben’s finger resumes its soothing motion and I resist the urge to sigh. No, it wasn’t for nothing. I’m here with Ben. And I can appreciate that at some level even if all I’ve done is inconvenience him.

“What name was she supposed to give you?”

“It’s not important now. I suspect she never had one to begin with. She was just playing some sick, perverted game with me.” But what if she
did
have a name? I blew it, yet I can’t imagine handling everything differently.

“I’m sorry.”

I don’t say anything. There’s nothing to say. I toss the blanket off and slide to the edge of the bed. Staring down at my stockinged feet, I try to remember what shoes I wore.

But Ben’s already picking up my boots and handing them to me, looking like he’s worried he’s going to say the wrong thing.

I take them and stuff my feet inside, zipping them up. When I stand, I take it slow, trying not to wobble on the spiky, three-inch heels. Ben is standing next to me, holding his hand out as though he’s afraid I’ll fall.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yeah.”
No
. I don’t want to leave him, but that’s my selfish desire. I search his eyes. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe some sign that he feels as drawn to me as I do to him, that he enjoyed our moment last night too. The room is charged and my hair stands on end and I ache for him to kiss me again. But he looks down and releases a barely audible sigh.

He hands me my coat next and I put it on, feeling an overwhelming sadness. I really like him and I’m not ready to leave him yet. But Reed’s probably had a stroke by now, and I can’t bear to keep him waiting any longer.

“I can just take a taxi to my car, Ben,” I say, unable to look into his face. “I’ve inconvenienced you enough already.” I cringe. “My keys are in my purse. Do you happen to know where that might be?”

He groans, rubbing his face with his hand. “I left your purse at the bar. And it’s closed and I don’t have a key. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you saved me from a group of barbarians. I don’t expect you to be responsible for all my personal items too.”

“I was glad to help you,” he says. His hands are by his sides and he clenches them into fists and then shoves them into his jacket pockets.

“You didn’t have to help me at all, but now your responsibility is done. So I’ll just go home and come back later to get my purse.”

A flicker of hope passes through his eyes. “I’m off on Mondays and Wednesdays. But I’ll be there tonight and tomorrow night.”

I can’t stop the smile that warms my face. “Good to know. I’ll make sure I stop by on a night when you’re working.” Although I suspect what little social life I’ve had is now history after this all-night stunt.

“Good,” he says quietly, studying my face. “I’d like to see you again.”

Heat fills my abdomen and spreads into my chest and lower.
He wants to see me again
. What I feel between us isn’t in my head. Just my luck considering that Reed will probably lock me in my room for the next two years. Disappointment floods me again and I head for the door. “I really can call a cab, Ben. I don’t want you to have to do anything else for me.”

He’s shoving his feet into the shoes by his recliner. “I’ve taken care of you for this long. Do you really think I’d drop my responsibility now? I offer door-to-door service.” He tries to sound light-hearted, but I can tell how freaked out he was last night. And who could blame him? Some random girl gets drugged, begs him not to call the police, then he gets stuck with taking care of her. My cheeks blush with embarrassment. How is he not shoving me out the door already?

“Alexa.” His voice is soft and he’s standing next to me.

I look up at him, suddenly fully aware that I have to have the nastiest breath on the face of the planet.

“Please, don’t be embarrassed. I wanted to help you. You have to trust me on that.”

Why? Because Reed’s his boss at his other job? But he’s calling me Alexa, the name I gave him on closing night of the play. Surely he’d call me Lexi if he knew who I really was. In some twisted way, it makes me feel better that he’s helping me for me and not because of Reed.

“Okay,” I finally say softly.

“Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat before you go?”

I’m standing here wearing my coat, which means he’s stalling. He really does want to be with me. Part of me really, really wants to stay here with him, but I can’t do that to my brother. “No, I need to get home.”

“Okay.” He grabs a jacket and shoves his arms in the sleeves, then leads me to the front door. His apartment is older and it kind of smells. A stack of dirty dishes and plates fill the sink and counter in the kitchen. He follows my gaze and cringes. “I have two roommates. They’re both slobs. I’m the neat freak…or at least I used to be before I started working three jobs in December along with my fifteen-hour course load.”

My mouth falls open. “You work three jobs?”

His eyes widen like he’s said something he didn’t mean to say.

“I don’t mean anything bad by that. Honestly, I’m in awe. I only have school.”

“That’s not true,” he says, opening the front door. “You work with the charity. You’re expanding their summer program and raising money for all the changes. That has to be worth two of my part-time jobs.”

I step outside under a covered walkway and turn to stare at him. “You remember all of that?”

“Of course I do. How could I forget?” He takes the lead again, holding my forearm. “Be careful on the steps.”

I haven’t had any trouble walking since I left his room, but I like his hand on my arm, so I don’t complain or try to pull out of his reach.

We walk toward an older sedan and Ben opens the passenger door for me. He waits until I’m all the way in before shutting the door and circling to the driver’s side. After he starts the car, he scrunches his eyes shut. “I should have warmed the car up for you. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mind.”

He shifts the car into drive and stops at the exit to the parking lot. “Where to?”

I give him the simple directions to our apartment and then we drive in a silence that makes me both edgy and sad. “What’s your major?” I ask.

“Mechanical engineering. This is my last semester, thank God.”

“That explains the math lab job.”

“Math nerd,” he laughs. “Guilty as charged.”

“I know two of your jobs—math lab tutor and hero bartender,” I say. “What’s the third?”

“I’m a janitor.” He hesitates and I can tell he’s embarrassed. “I clean at the Garrison building on Saturdays and a couple of other office buildings owned by the same janitorial service on Sundays.”

Horror drains the blood from my head. “Oh, my God. You’re supposed to be at work right now, aren’t you?”

He gives me a soft smile. “It’s okay. I can just go in late.”

“I’m sorry.” It seems so inadequate, but it’s all I have to offer.

“Don’t be. I’m not.”

My chest warms again and I resist the urge to take the hand he’s not using for steering and link our fingers together. I feel a connection to him that I haven’t felt with anyone else. Is it because he saved me? Is this displaced hero-worship? As I sneak a glance at him, I know it’s more than that. His kiss left an imprint on my lips that can’t be explained away so easily.

I hope I haven’t gotten him into trouble with his boss by making him late to work.

As I think about Ben’s three jobs, I realize how lucky I have it. The only job I’ve ever had is working for my mother on her charity committees, but I never even got paid for those. Instead of waiting for permission from my parents to move out on my own, perhaps I should grow up and take care of it on my own. But Ben is right—my work with the charity takes fifteen to twenty hours of my time on any given week. How would I fit in a real job? Would it be better for me to work with the charity under the tyranny of Reed’s rules or get a job and move out on my own?

Ben pulls into the parking lot of our building and turns off the engine. Before I can thank him for bringing me home, he gets out of the car and walks around to open my door.

“You don’t have to walk me in, Ben,” I say as he reaches down to take my arm and help me out.

“It wouldn’t be door-to-door service if I let you out in the parking lot, now would it?”

The air is cold enough that I can see my breath and I shiver. He wraps an arm around my back and before I realize what I’m doing, I’m pressing myself into his side.

I’m glad he’s walking me to the door. I’m not ready to leave him yet.

He stops at the outside door and waits for me to key in my security code. Instead, I turn to face him, grabbing his lapels in both hands. “You better not come up. My brother is bound to be…intense.” I swallow. Talk about an understatement. “You’ve helped me so much. I really don’t want you to get caught in the fallout.”

He hesitates, then a soft smile lifts the corners of his mouth. “Okay.”