Bundle of Joy? (26 page)

“I have to go back to work on the fourteenth. The nanny that I really wanted can’t start until two weeks later. I was going to have my mother come, but she’s been having some bad migraines lately. Maybe you could move in instead, and stay with Ananda for the week.”

Now if I was going to move in with anyone for any length of time, I would prefer to be with Paul and not with a crying baby, but I was so happy about everyone just coming out and celebrating me that I think I would have agreed to anything.

“Yeah, that might work out well. Depending on when they get my closing scheduled for. It might just be for a week.”

“That would be perfect.”

She was so relieved. It was almost worth it. It might be easier for everyone.

My party went on into the evening. We ate well and even danced. I couldn’t believe my social circle was this big. Sure, people like to party, but the nice thing is that they had come out for me. I hadn’t thought I liked being the center of attention. But then I realized that I had never had the opportunity before. I was kind of enjoying it, at least for one night.

Before Helen left, I gave her the piece I had written about Cristina. All the Peroni I had drunk gave me some bizarre courage. I didn’t plan to publish it anywhere, so it might never get edited, but I wanted Helen’s take on it. I thought maybe we could talk more about Cristina, about our lives, about everything.

“Read it when you get a chance,” I whispered as I hugged her goodbye. She was holding her exhausted daughter in her arms. “It’s about Cristina.”

“I’ll read it tonight,” she said. Then she smiled at me.

I kissed her again. “I’m glad you came back into my life,” I said. And I meant it.

When all the guests were gone and Paul had helped Raj and Jamie get all their equipment out of the apartment, Kelly and Armando insisted that I couldn’t clean up. I agreed, but asked that we all have one more drink.

“I’m going to put Joey to bed in your room, Voula. He’s got his sleeping bag,” Paul said. Joey was exhausted from chasing my niece around all night.

“Okay,” I said. I watched him gather Joey in his arms. I called out to him. “Hey, thanks for tonight. I know I wasn’t in the best mood.”

“You’re worth it,” he said. He looked at Kelly and Armando. “I’m probably going to turn in, so enjoy yourselves.”

My roommates and I smiled at each other. It wasn’t going to be my last time in the house or anything, but the night felt special and we stayed awake, chatting until the sun came up. I was sad that I wouldn’t be living with them anymore, that that chapter of my life was almost over, but I believed that we could still be in each other’s lives even if we didn’t share the same address. The things we now shared were stronger.

I
thought I was going to get out of moving in with Jamie and family when my closing was scheduled for June fifteenth, but then it got rescheduled again. The sellers with whom I communicated via e-mail and whom I had really come to hate had considered getting new counsel, but in the end they stuck with the original, which my lawyer felt was the right thing to do to expedite things. At that point
expedite
was a foreign term to me, and because of all the confusion, the closing got rescheduled to Friday, June twenty-fifth. I hired the movers for the next day, which happened to be a Saturday. I was getting into that place if it killed me.

So I wound up in Jamie’s place for ten days. I had my laptop and a backpack full of clothes, a pair of sandals and a pair of sneakers. The rest of my stuff had been moved to Paul’s. The movers would be picking it up (again) from there.

Jamie and Raj hadn’t really had a chance to clean up the room I was supposed to be staying in. It was the nursery, but for the duration of my stay they were going to put the crib back in their room. I had read up on this in my baby book and it seemed like it might be creating a setback, but I sensed Jamie
was feeling guilty about returning to work and this was a way to stay close to Ananda.

I spent my first evening wading through baby paraphernalia and making dumb faces at Ananda while Jamie complained that none of her old work clothes looked right and the new ones she had bought weren’t her style.

“You know, it’s going to be fine,” I said. I was beginning to think Jamie was regretting asking me to baby-sit for Ananda. She asked me a million times if I was “into it.” She went over the schedule of what to do three times verbally and then gave me a typed sheet. There were Post-its containing emergency numbers all over the house.

“I just wish we had time to get you CPR training.”

I was worried about that too, but I never would have thought about it if Jamie and Raj hadn’t harped on it relentlessly. Raj had calmed down a little bit, but I noticed he watched to see if I washed my hands before handling the child.

The morning of Jamie’s first day back to work, she fought off tears. Ananda was quite content with her bottle of breast milk. I knew that in spite of herself Jamie wished that Ananda would make a bigger scene.

Raj had already left to start pre-production on a new show,
The Next Mr. Right…Now.
Unfortunately, the jury was still out on whether Warren Tucker was the Original Mr. Right, but the first few episodes had been so highly rated that the network ordered another batch.

“Now, are you sure I should do this?” Jamie asked as she stood by the door.

“Are you?”

“No.”

“Well, you better get sure, because you’re going to be late.”

“I know,” she said, looking panicked. “I know.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “We’ll be fine. And if not, you’ll catch it on the nanny cam.”

Jamie didn’t really find that funny. She left, after reminding me several times to call her if I needed anything.

The first few hours went fine. Jamie called four times before noon, but I tried to indulge her. Later in the day, Ananda got fussy. She didn’t want her bottle, no matter how much she opened her mouth. She didn’t want to nap, no matter how much she rubbed her eyes. She spit out her pacifier. There was nothing in her diaper, for once. I wasn’t sure it was normal, but suddenly Jamie wasn’t calling. I didn’t really want to disturb her during her first day back. Ananda’s fussiness turned to crankiness and the next thing I knew I had a screaming child on my hands.

I was going to kill the baby. I didn’t think I was going to murder her, but the thought did occur to me that she might die in my care.

When she had been crying for almost an hour, the phone rang. I hesitated before picking it up. I didn’t want Jamie to be alarmed by the wails coming out of her daughter. I could let the machine get it and say I had been at the park later. Maybe they did have a nanny cam and that’s why she was calling. The caller ID box was in the other room, miles away.

“Hello,” I answered. I must admit that my hand was lightly over the child’s mouth.

“Are you having a
Three Men and a Baby
moment?” Paul asked.

“She won’t stop crying. Where are you?”

“I’m at the station, but I can stop by.”

God bless that man. He was always saving me.

Paul got to Jamie’s apartment within twenty minutes. Ananda had just cried herself to sleep. She stirred a bit when she heard the bell, but remained sleeping. I was still holding her rigidly in my arms, afraid to change position, when Paul got to the door.

“This doesn’t seem so bad,” he said. “Why don’t you put her down.”

“I can’t. I don’t want to move.”

“Voula, you can’t hold her forever.”

“You’re wrong about that, Torrisi. I will hold her for as long as it takes to never hear that crying again.”

He clucked his tongue and took her gently out of my arms.

I had held her stiffly, but Paul folded her into his arms. He whispered soothingly and brought her into Jamie and Raj’s room.

“That’s it, there you go. Work with me here, kid,” I heard him whispering through the baby monitor. “We’ve got to get Auntie Voula to love kids.”

I was laughing when he came back in. “Is she down?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think it’s safe? I mean, you think we can just leave her in there?”

Paul shook his head. “New mothers. You have the monitor.”

“Okay.”

“Have you done any writing today?”

“Is that a serious question?”

He smirked at me.

“It’s only for a few days. I’ll get the swing of it tomorrow.”

The phone rang. I lunged for it so it wouldn’t wake Ananda. “Hello.”

“Voula, you sound so panicked. Is everything okay?” Jamie asked, sounding a little panicked herself.

“Yes, I just wanted to get to the phone before she woke up.”

“She’s sleeping?” Jamie sounded really surprised, and for a minute I thought I had done something wrong.

“Yes. And Paul’s here.”

“Paul? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, he just came for a visit.”

“You are watching her, right?”

“No, we’ve been having sex with wild abandon. You’ll catch it on the nanny cam.” She didn’t say anything and I saw Paul shaking his head. “Of course I’m kidding. He just got here. No worries.”

“Did she eat?”

“I followed the schedule. She only ate twice, though.”

“Okay, that’s fine. I’ll be leaving here at six. I’d hoped to get out earlier. Will you be okay?”

“Yes, stay as late as you want. I’ve totally got the hang of it.” I winked at Paul.

“Okay, thanks for doing this, Voula, I really appreciate it.”

I believed that.

When I hung up the phone, Paul was smiling. I knew that look all too well.

“How long will she be down?”

“Paul, I’m supposed to be watching her. Your intentions don’t seem responsible.”

“I just wanted to help you relax.”

I glanced at the clock. She should sleep for at least another forty-five minutes, but more likely an hour according to my explicit schedule. If we stayed in the living room we weren’t doing anything wrong, were we? I turned the baby monitor volume way up.

“Okay, let’s just be quick about it.”

Ananda was asleep in my arms and I was sleeping on the couch when Jamie came home. I was startled by the door. Jamie’s face lit up when she saw Ananda. I’d always thought Jamie was pretty, but she had never looked more beautiful than when she smiled at her daughter.

“So how was it?” Jamie asked, scooping the sleeping baby up.

“She was good. I’m exhausted.”

I got dinner ready while Jamie played with Ananda, then bathed her and put her to bed. Raj was going to be working late. At around eight o’clock we sat down for pasta with broccoli and garlic. Jamie opened a bottle of wine. Right before she took a bite, she sighed.

“Is it going to be okay?” I asked.

“I think so,” she said. “It’s just strange to only see her for a couple of hours after being home with her all the time for almost four months.”

I nodded. “What do you think makes you more tired? Working or being here working.”

“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I don’t know if it’s just because it’s the first day, but I don’t know if I can ever be as focused on work as I used to be.”

“Do you think you’ll quit? I bet you could stay home on Raj’s salary.”

“You know, I’ve thought a lot about it. I like working too much. I want my daughter to have a happy mom. I love that my mom stayed with us, but I think sometimes she felt unsatisfied.”

I had never thought of Maura as unhappy. It was funny how you saw people the way you wanted to see them.

“I think if anything, I might try to work from home one day a week.”

“Do you think you’ll get much done?”

“Eventually I will. What I’ve learned is that eventually it gets easier. You get the swing of things. Well, you’ll see.”

Jamie was right about that. I did find myself getting more accustomed to Ananda. I found after a couple of days that I was more comfortable holding her and I could anticipate what she needed. When we went to the park, the other nannies thought she was my daughter. Looking at her, I realized that we looked a lot alike because of our coloring. I think I was starting to like her more.

She got fussy at times, it wasn’t all gravy, but sometimes I could actually put her in the Baby Bjorn and get some work done. I sort of liked the idea of her nestled up against my chest, sleeping peacefully. I wasn’t getting soft—I still wasn’t sure I wanted kids, despite Paul’s constant polling—but it definitely seemed more doable. Like Jamie had said, I got into the swing.

It was exhausting, though. That didn’t get easier. The few nights that I went over to Paul’s I fell asleep on him. Most nights Jamie and I conked out on the couch, watching reality TV (she had lied to Raj about liking anything other than his productions) or a DVD. In some ways, it was like the days we used to hang out in high school.

Raj was back to working pretty late. He would usually go in and kiss Ananda before he went to bed, but he always made sure he washed his hands thoroughly and then used disinfectant gel. The one time he got home before Jamie, he insisted
she change her entire outfit before he would hand the baby over to her.

Being with Jamie so much and taking care of Ananda made me think about my own mother. We hadn’t spoken since Georgia’s shower. She just wouldn’t return the messages I kept leaving. She was going to see me soon at Georgia’s wedding whether she liked it or not, but she wouldn’t call me back.

I couldn’t believe my mother would choose to be alone. I knew she was being spiteful, but I also knew that she was hurting.

When Georgia’s invitation came, I called again. I wanted to gauge my mother’s reaction before I decided to bring Paul. I knew that when she saw me with a strange non-Greek man she would be upset. I might make the situation irreparable. I wasn’t willing to give up Paul for her, but if she called me I might not bring him.

She didn’t call me. It bothered me that she could shut me out. Maybe it wasn’t easy for her, but obviously it wasn’t that hard. There was no way she could know whether I was okay, but she didn’t care. We had been through these silences before but it had been three months, which is when she usually cracked. Rationally, I knew she would call me eventually, bitterly, but it still hurt.

I guess a part of me kept hoping that I was going to have this healing moment with her. It happened on
Oprah.
People seemed like they could change, but maybe they couldn’t. Maybe the only thing I could do was accept it and change my attitude accordingly.

We weren’t ever going to have one of those moments at the end of a movie where the parents come to their senses or the kids come to their senses. No one was coming anywhere. This was who we were. I had to continue moving forward with my life.

I RSVP’d for two people. I would bring Paul.

The night before the closing Jamie decided to come home early. I would be staying over at Paul’s the following night to
be there when my movers arrived. We didn’t really spend a lot of time together with Ananda. Usually when Jamie got home, I prepared dinner and let her have time alone with her daughter. That afternoon, we took her over to the grassy area along the pier on the Hudson River. There was a cool breeze and the buzz of people talking as they enjoyed a summer night.

Jamie had packed some cold white wine in the diaper bag, and she poured us two plastic cups. We spread out a blanket and we let Ananda lie on her stomach. She looked adorable in a pink and yellow sundress. Jamie took tons of pictures of us. We asked a couple next to us to get a picture of the three of us.

“So are you sure you’re going to be all right at that closing tomorrow? Do you want me to meet you there? I am going to have a summer Friday.”

“No, Paul asked me the same thing. He was going to take off work. If it doesn’t take, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe it’s a sign I should walk away.”

“Do you think so?”

“No. I’m tired of believing in signs. I do think things happen for a reason, but I think that maybe you can have more control over your own life than you actually think.”

Jamie smiled. “You know, I took a pregnancy test this morning.”

“What? Already?” More trying?

“Believe me, it wasn’t intentional. And I’m not pregnant. Thank goodness. I guess we weren’t being careful and it was nice to sort of get caught up in the moment.”

“So I guess you’re back in the saddle again, huh?”

“Well, we were that night.” She glanced at Ananda. “It got me thinking—I definitely want another one. It seems to me that no matter how tough things can be, they get better, you just have to be patient.”

“You’re right,” I said. “I can’t believe you’re ready to get knocked up again.”

“Not just yet,” Jamie said. “But soon.”

Ananda was being so good. It was past her bedtime, but she
was still in a cheerful mood. It was as if she wanted her mom to have a lovely night. We propped her against the diaper bag and she giggled. Jamie gave her the last bottle for the evening, and then we watched the sun sink in the sky. I held on to one of Ananda’s soft fat kicking legs and made a promise to myself to be there to help Ananda grow up the way her mom had helped me.