Bunches (19 page)

Walking out of there with my back
straight and the tears held in is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t
breathe properly. The air feels like punishment to my throat and lungs. It
would be so easy to crumble right now, but I’m determined to hold my head high
and get on with my life at last. Today of all days, I can’t crumble. I wanted
JJ to be there by my side, or at least to have him to see afterward. I could
have done it if I knew I had him to look forward to. Now I have nothing.

When I get back to my place, all
I want to do is crawl into my bed, but that intention quickly fades away when I
see Lizzy sitting on the stoop outside my apartment, her face streaked with
tears. I rush forward.

“What happened?” I ask, kneeling
down and wrapping my arms around her shoulders.

She’s sobbing.

“It’s Steven,” she says. “He’s
been cheating on me, for, like, years. I had no idea.” More crying. I just hold
her and try to say comforting things, but the truth is I feel hollow inside.
Steven, a guy we’ve known since grade school, who I thought I would know
forever, has been cheating on Lizzy. I can’t really take it in, so I do the
only thing I can think of.

“Want to come in?” I ask.

She hiccups. “Why do you have a
problem with a girl crying hysterically on your steps? Worried about what the
neighbors will say?”

I laugh. “Yeah, and Snick will
make you feel better.”

She nods. Keeping her head down,
she lets me lead her upstairs. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, and he
wasn’t even my boyfriend. Lizzy’s face is pale and her eyes are dull. Under her
eyes the skin looks red and bruised by crying. My heart aches for my friend.

“How did you find out?” I murmur,
wrapping an arm protectively around her shoulders.

Tears are streaming silently down
her face.

“I didn’t, I mean, he’s all the
way in New York and I trusted him. It’s not like I ever snooped through his
e-mails or his phone. We didn’t do that with each other. We were better than
that, that’s what he always said.”

“Ughh,” I say. Growing up I knew
that Steven had his heart in the right place, and for years he adored Lizzy.
But sometimes adoration isn’t enough.

“You have to want it,” says
Lizzy, shaking her head sadly. “You have to want to make it work and he just
didn’t.”

“What will you do now?” I asked,
thinking of Amelia’s wedding.

“We have to go,” she says,
straightening a little, with a hard look coming into her eyes. “I want to go.
Even if he brings some skanky slutter moron with him. I refuse to stay at home
and eat ice cream.”

“Seriously?” I say as Snick
wanders in. Instantly my wonderful cat hurries over to Lizzy and jumps in her
lap. My friend gives a gurgly laugh and pets the cat.

“No, not seriously,” she says
rolling her eyes at me. “I just refuse to let him know that I’m at home eating
ice cream.”

“And pizza,” I say. “Might as
well gain as much weight as possible.”

“Fitting into the dresses I
already bought for the wedding isn’t necessary, is it?” Lizzy asks wistfully.

“Not even a little bit,” I say,
laughing.

“Good,” she says. “Then I want a
ten-inch all to myself.”

We spend the rest of the night
watching romantic comedies and reminiscing about old times. Steven’s betrayal
hurts me, too, and I’m sure how I’ll feel seeing him at Amelia’s wedding. He
comforted me in my darkest time, and he was there for me when no one else
understood. All these years I’ve been sure I’d be standing next to Lizzy the
day she married him, with the best view in the church.

“He really just called you out of
the blue?” I ask quietly.

“Naw.” She shakes her head; the
rest of her body is buried in a heap of blankets, pillows, and Snick. “He was
drunk. I don’t think he would have admitted it otherwise. I guess when he
cheats on me he usually tells the girls he’s single, but he really likes this
one. She knew he had a girlfriend, or found out afterwards and told him that if
he wanted to have anything with her he had to break it off with me. He didn’t
know what to do, Mr. Mature, so he got shit-faced with your brother. Then he
called me.”

“Ellis was with him?” I’m
shocked. They were never that close.

“I guess he wanted someone from
home, someone he trusts,” she says, taking a long sip of wine.

I reach for my phone. Once I saw
the condition Lizzy was in I set it to silent, but now I see that I have a text
from my brother, telling me to call him when I’m ready.

“Do it,” says Lizzy. “I want to
hear what he thinks.”

I call my brother. It rings and
rings, and after a long time he answers.

“You’re up late,” he says. His
voice sounds tired.

“You, too,” I say.

“Yeah, well, it’s been a long
couple of days. Is Lizzy with you?”

“Yeah, I’m here, Ellis. You’re on
speaker,” my friend says. She puts on a brave front, but you can obviously hear
that she’s been crying.

“Hey, Liz, I’m so sorry,” says my
brother, his voice filled with sympathy. “I had no idea until he texted me and
asked me to go out on a Saturday night. Since we’ve both been in New York for
over two months and that was the first I’d heard from him, I thought something
might be up. Once he’d had a few drinks, he told me everything.”

“Did you meet her?” Lizzy asks
softly. “Is she prettier than me?”

I hug my friend tighter.

“She doesn’t hold a candle to you,”
says Ellis. “She’s like a stupid, dinky match and you’re a roaring fire. I’m so
sorry.”

“Maybe she’s nice,” says Lizzy.
“Looks aren’t everything. I’m hoping the next guy I date realizes that, because
I plan on eating nothing but pizza and ice cream until then.” Her eyes fill
with tears for the umpteenth time that night and I have a very strong urge to
kick Steven’s ass.

We talk to my brother for a few
more minutes. We’re going to see him soon enough at the wedding, but he’s
worried about Lizzy, which I totally love him for. He wants her to be okay.

Once we’re off the phone Lizzy
rolls herself into a ball and tries to sleep.

“Tell me a story?” she murmurs,
burying her head in my pillow.

I give a big sigh. Too much has
happened today. I haven’t had time to think. It’s like Michael’s anniversary
struck and everything went wrong, which has been happening since the day he
died.

“Sorry about tonight,” she says.
“Aimee’s out of town again and I don’t want to be alone.”

“I don’t want to be alone either.
JJ told me I deserve better than him,” I say, my voice breaking. “I told him I
wanted to try, despite Jessie, and he just insisted that I deserve someone
better.”

Lizzy’s head snaps up. “He
never,” she gasps and shakes her head. “So what does that mean?”

“That means he doesn’t want to
date right now,” I say, sadness overwhelming me.

Lizzy snorts. Her eyes look tired
from tears. “That will last, like, a week.”

“I don’t know,” I say, “he’s
seriously worried about hurting me.” I give her a pained look.

“Yeah, well, good thing he’s not
doing that,” she says.

I give a sad smile. “Maybe it’s
for the best. It’s not like I’m entirely whole either.”

“Exactly,” says Lizzy, pushing a
stray strand of hair off her forehead. “You can be unwhole together.”

I laugh bitterly. “Tell that to
JJ,” I say.

“He’ll come around,” she says
with way more confidence than I feel. “Loving someone the way he loves you is
scary. Guys get scared too.”

It strikes me as funny that she’s
saying the exact same thing Suki Rockwell said to me.

“I hope so,” I say, examining my
hands in the dark. “Sorry to be burdening you with this. I just, I just don’t
know how to exist if I can’t have him.”

She nods sympathetically. “Men do
that to us. When it’s good it’s the best thing in the world. When it’s anything
else it’s totally their fault.”

I grin and snuggle under the
blankets. Soon I hear Lizzy snoring. I see a dark shape gracefully jump onto
the bed, and Snick snuggles close to her, comforting her. I give my cat an
approving pet on the head.

I lie awake for a long time,
thinking about change and what happens when you don’t get the forever you
planned. 

I feel like I have emotional
whiplash. The day started out so well. Now what I was so happily looking
forward to is gone.

Two weeks pass. Lizzy moves in
with me, because Nancy is leaving anyway and Aimee is mostly gone for the next
couple of weeks. Neither of us wants to be alone.

The most important thing in the
world is time, it turns out, and I’m just letting it pass. The days go by,
nights come and go and I don’t care. I don’t need to think in order to breathe,
because I just don’t care. Lizzy tells me it will just take time. She thinks JJ
will come back, but she didn’t see his face. I understand that he just got out
of a relationship, and it wouldn’t be good of us to start dating immediately,
but the idea that we’re never going to date, that my body will never press
against his again, or that our hands will never touch, his lips never come down
to mine again, nearly kills me.

“We can’t let ourselves go,” says
Lizzy resolutely. “Amelia’s wedding is in less than two weeks and we have to
look our best.”

I’m sitting on the couch, Snick
is curled up next to me, and I’m eating ice cream. Just to drive my point home
I take another big bite of chocolatey goodness.

“I’m sad too,” says Lizzy, coming
over and sitting on the couch, absently petting Snick.

“Then please explain to me why
you still look stunning,” I say bitterly. While her blond hair is flowing
loosely over her shoulders, my brown hair is in a messy bun.

“Would you want JJ to see you
like this?” Lizzy demands.

“He doesn’t want to see me,” I
say, throwing my spoon down in the ice cream container. “He made that clear
enough.”

“Of course he does,” Lizzy
scoffs. “He’s a guy. You’re going to look stunning at the wedding, every guy is
going to want you, and he’s going to get in a fight to defend your honor. Then
you can be like, ‘Umm, I suppose, if you buy me flowers.’”

It’s so ridiculous, I laugh.
Lizzy grins at me. For once I desperately hope she’s right.

It’s wedding weekend. I can’t
believe I dumped Nora. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I become the
cliche that you push away what matters most to you?

In the farthest reaches of my
mind I never imagined being such an asshole. I worked to gain her trust, then I
just threw it all away. For what? Because of fear? Fuck fear.

“You ready?” Sylvan asks. He’s
standing in my living room, staring at Anabella. We’re getting ready to go; he
has met Amelia a few times when she’s been in Portland, and I’m glad she has
included him on the guest list, especially given what I did to Nora. I suspect
Sylvan sees himself as partly a potential peacemaker, but maybe he’s also just
excited at the prospect of seeing Lizzy in a dress.

It’s the first time I’ve gone
back to Boston, and I need all the support I can  get for that, too.

“Yeah,” I say, glancing around my
apartment. Jessie spent a lot of time decorating, and when we broke up she took
a lot of her stuff. My place is barer now, but I like it.

“You going to see Nora?” Sylvan
asks.

“At the wedding,” I say. Just
hearing her name makes my chest hurt. “The dinner is Friday night and Mrs.
Rockwell wants everyone there. The wedding is Saturday, which just leaves
Sunday to visit Mom.”

He doesn’t ask about my dad. I
don’t mention him. He’s dead to me anyway.

“Take all the time you need,
man,” says Sylvan.

“You in touch with Lizzy?” I
raise an eyebrow at him. He tries to look innocent and I laugh.

“What?” he says.

“What’s going on there?” I ask as
we head down my stairs, my bag slung over my shoulder.

“What’s going on is that she
loves me and just doesn’t know it. What kind of an asshole boyfriend cheats on
a girl like that?” I’m surprised by the anger in his voice.

“Who told you Lizzy’s boyfriend
cheated on her?” I’m surprised to hear this. It must have just happened in the
last couple of weeks.

“Uhhh, a birdy?” Sylvan asks.

I sigh. “So, Nora?”

“So, Nora,” says Sylvan. “And
don’t say her name like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you want to caress her. You
dumped her, remember?”

Yeah, I fucking remember.

The dinner Friday night is
stunning, as I’m sure the wedding will also be. My mother is elated to have
both me and Ellis home, and she can’t stop cooing about it.

Amelia texts me to say she’s
happy her mom and I patched things up and she can’t wait to catch up with me
after the honeymoon.

It feels like everything is
falling into place.

Except for JJ.

I can’t get him out of my mind,
and he’s going to be there.

Lizzy provides a good distraction.
Being there for my friend has become paramount.

“I thought you were going to
bring Snick home with you,” my mom scolds when she sees me.

“There’s Mom, always ready with a
greeting,” says Ellis, stepping around our mother. Ellis has dark brown hair
swept back from his forehead, and intense eyes. He’s paler and taller than I
am, but there’s no mistaking the resemblance.

“Oh, hush,” says Mom, waving a
hand at him.

“I’ll hush alright,” says Ellis.
“But seriously, where’s the cat? Finally get up the courage to give him away?
You got rid of him months ago, didn’t you?” Ellis is not a fan of cats. He’s
more a dog person. It’s one of our biggest and longest-running disagreements.

“I shake my head. “Nope, he’s
back in Portland with my roommate. She promised to feed him all weekend.”

“Yeah, well, if she doesn’t I’m
sure he won’t starve,” says Ellis as he grabs my suitcase. I already dropped
Lizzy off at her place.

“What will he do?” I ask.

“Murder some mice,” says Ellis.

“Charming,” I mutter. “Just
charming. Now move. I have to get ready for tonight.”

“Since when do you take time to
get ready for anything?” Ellis asks, his eyebrows raised.

“Oh, believe me, Ellis, times
have changed,” I say with a chuckle, just to annoy him. He grins, but my mom
looks very worried.

“I don’t like the sound of that
at all,” she says. “Not one bit.”

The dinner is at the Rockwells’
house. They live in the burbs in this massive mansion a couple of miles from my
own home. Amelia’s wedding will be at the house too; it would be hard to find a
nicer place for it.

Ellis is driving, us there, and
we’re all in different moods about it. Bottom line for me, I’m positive I
couldn’t have done this without Ellis and Lizzy. As for Lizzy, we picked her up
on the way, and she’s been ranting about Steven ever since.

“He texted me,” she says. “Right
when I got home. He wants to know if I’m going tonight. Well,” she sighs
gustily, “I told him it’s none of his business. I mean, seriously, the nerve.”

“He’s bringing her,” says Ellis.
He’s driving, and he watches Lizzy closely in the mirror. My friend looks
momentarily stricken, but she recovers quickly, tossing her flowing blond locks
over her shoulder.

“Whatever,” she says. “I don’t
care.”

“Ten pizzas later says
differently,” I say. “It’s okay to care,” I continue, “it means you put
yourself out there and did something scary and exciting and you learned from
it.”

“Yeah, okay, Freud,” says Lizzy.

“Yeah, seriously, when did you
become a relationship doctor? Does this have something to do with that bartender?”

I glare at my brother as Lizzy
makes a gleeful cawing noise in the back.

“You have no idea,” she says
mischievously. “Thank you, Ellis. I knew I could rely on you to get my mind off
of . . . what’s his name again?”

I grin at my friend, but all jokes
disappear when we see the Rockwells’ house.

Now it’s real.

The mansion is large and
imposing, made of old stone. Trees, graceful under the weight of deep summer
green, line the drive and surround the house, commanding privacy.

“Sheesh,” says Lizzy. “Could the
woman have planted any more flowers?”

“This is her daughter’s wedding,”
I argue. “The only kid she has left.” Her mother never thought I belonged here.
My teenage self was oblivious to the differences between me and my first
boyfriend, but now I’m not.

“Hey.” Ellis pokes me in the ribs
and I grab his finger. “Don’t put any more on yourself. Have fun tonight. See
old friends. That’s what he would have wanted.”

“I know. I think I can,” I say,
trying to reassure myself even as I reassure my brother. Ellis gives me a
surprised look for just a second, then turns his head back to the road.

We park a long way from the
house, because there are already at least a hundred cars there. The Rockwells
encouraged us to come in pairs.

“There was a time when Steven was
going to come with us,” Lizzy sniffs with disdain.

The three of us walk up to the
house.

“You both look gorgeous, by the
way,” says my brother.

Lizzy does look stunning. For the
dinner she’s chosen a black sequined dress that shows off her shoulders and
long legs. She’s wearing black heels and carrying a black clutch.

“You already told me that,” I
sigh at Ellis.

“It’s worth repeating,” he says.
He offers each of us an arm. “Now, please continue making me the luckiest guy
in the room tonight.”

“I’m pretty sure that honor goes
to me,” says an incredibly handsome guy at the door.

He has light brown hair and deep
set blue eyes. He gives us a megawatt smile.

“Hey, James,” says Ellis,
grinning.

“Is that the name of the groom?”
Lizzy whispers, leaning into my shoulder.

“Uh huh,” I say, eyeing James
Gregory. He was a few years ahead of us in school; he’s even a few years older
than Amelia. I realize that Ellis must have met James already through his
younger brother Kevin.

“How’s it going?” James asks,
clapping Ellis on the back. “And who are these lovely ladies you’re with?” I
notice that his eyes twitch a bit as he looks at me. He must know who Ellis is,
so it’s not hard to figure out who I might be.

A knot twists in my stomach. I
wish JJ were here. Well, with me. The knot in my stomach tightens even more
when I realize I’ll see him tonight gor the first time since he dumped me. What
will I do? How will that go? Will he say hi first? Will he know that
butterflies are having a war in my stomach at the mere sight of him?

It’s unreasonably warm for late
summer, and the night air hugs around us like a blanket. I find myself looking
around, wrapped in memories as much as in the party.

Lizzy nudges me in the ribs,
hard.

I glare at her, then James is
holding out his hand and I tentatively shake it. He looks me right in the eyes
and says, “It’s nice to meet you. Really nice.”

His hand is large and warm. I
guess he thinks that in another life we might have been brother- and
sister-in-law.

In another life.

Someone else’s. Or no one’s.

“You too,” I say quietly. He
moves on to meet Lizzy.

“Steven’s inside. He’s your
boyfriend, right?” James asks as they shake hands.

“I couldn’t begin to care,” Lizzy
sniffs and brushes past the groom. Ellis gives James a sympathetic look.

“Was it something I said?” James
asks.

“Don’t mind her,” says Ellis.
“Bad breakup.”

“Ah, I thought the girl he
brought with him was his sister,” says James. “That explains a lot.”

“Kevin’s inside somewhere,” James
says to my brother. “Feel free to find him. I’ve been told we’re eating in
about an hour.”

There are now several people
lined up behind us waiting to talk to the groom. Some are calling out
greetings, so we move inside.

The house is just how I remember
it. Mrs. Rockwell was an interior decorator before she married Amelia’s father
and didn’t have to work, but her impeccable taste is still evident in her home.

It’s modern with lots of neutral
colors and beige tones. Mrs. Rockwell a big fan of find old furniture second
hand and giving it a new life. The wall fixtures are all things she has found
at flea markets, and the furniture is all stuff that either her family built in
the wood shop they have out back - oh yes, there’s a wood shop - or she found
at yard sales and refinished. There are family portraits in gilded frames on
the walls, and the ceilings are high. I look up. The same old beams of dark
wood hang overhead.

Absolutely nothing has changed.

And everywhere I look there are
pictures of Michael.

Ellis squeezes my hand.

“Are you okay?” he whispers.
Guests are milling around, most of whom I don’t recognize, but some faces are
familiar. I get only a handful of sympathetic looks. Most of them probably
don’t remember me. Good.

“I’m fine,” I whisper back. It
surprises me how fine I am. JJ has re-awakened something inside me that tells
me it’s okay to live, and here I am at Michael’s house breathing on my own.

We make our way into the large
living room, where most of the people are milling around.

The spread of food is incredible.
There’s also a bar off to one side.

“Want anything?” Ellis asks.

“I’m too nervous to eat,” I say,
pressing my hand to my stomach. I tried to get some juice down before we left,
but my stomach did an angry tap dance and I stopped trying.

“Well, that makes one of us,” he
says, and he dashes to the nearest table, which is piled high with smelly
cheeses.

“You’ve become such a snob,” I
say, shaking my head in mock sadness.

“Can I get you a drink?”

The voice behind me is achingly
familiar. It’s male, and it awakens things inside me that I can’t have awakened
right now . . . because he doesn’t want them.

I shake my head. My chest aches
as I look at JJ. He looks gorgeous. I want to tell him that it’s not the same,
drinking without a certain someone mixing my drinks, but I don’t.

He takes a step forward. He looks
incredibly good. I lick my lips. Something ignites deep in his eyes.

“Have you seen Amelia yet?” he
asks. His voice is rough, and those gray eyes look have become a dark bluish
black in the low lighting of the Rockwells’ house.

I shake my head again. I’ll just
say no to absolutely every question he asks me tonight. Solid game plan.

“Is Sylvan here?” I ask, looking
around for his best friend.

“Yeah,” says JJ. “He’s talking to
Amelia, actually. She’s come to Portland a few times and we’ve had dinner, so
he knows her.”

“I see,” I say. We stand there
awkwardly, which is exactly when my brother decides to make his reappearance.

“Hey,” he says, putting his arm
around my shoulders. In his free hand he’s holding a plate of cheese.

I see JJ’s eyes darken in what
I’m pretty sure is . . .  jealousy? He has no right to be jealous. He’s the one
who told me he was screwed up and couldn’t treat me the way I deserve to be
treated.

“Who do we have here?” Ellis
asks, peering curiously at JJ.

“This is JJ,” I say. “He lives in
Portland. We met this summer.”

My brother isn’t stupid. He
understands who JJ is. Lizzy was kind enough to fill him in on any parts I left
out.

“I would shake your hand, but I’m
holding important things,” Ellis says.

“Cheese?” I mutter. He grins at
me and pats my shoulder.

“I’m Ellis,” he says. “Nora’s
brother.”

I’m interested to see JJ’s face
instantly clear. He no longer looks like he wants to throw Ellis through a wall
like another one of his drunk patrons.

“And you are?”

“JJ,” he says, stepping forward
and extending his hand. “JJ Curtis.”

I feel Ellis’ hand tighten just a
fraction on my shoulder. Now they each know who the other one really is.

“You know Amelia?” Ellis asks.
I’m relieved he doesn’t bring up this summer.

“Yeah,” says JJ, who also looks
just the slightest bit relieved. “We go back a long time. She was always a
sweetheart to me.”

Ellis nods. “She’s great. Have
any idea where she is? We just got here and should say hi.”

JJ glances at the garden. The
white double doors are thrown up, revealing another party spread outside. And
I’d forgotten what a magnificent garden the Rockwells have. Mrs. Rockwell
didn’t do anything halfway.

“Last I saw she was out there.
Shall we?” JJ tips his head in that direction.

“Yeah,” says Ellis, grinning. He
falls into step next to JJ and lets me trail behind. I’m glad for the solitude.
I need the time to prepare myself and catch my breath. I guess I’ll be seeing
Amelia for the first with JJ after all.

“So, you watch football?” Ellis
asks. I do a mental eye roll.

JJ grins. “I own a bar. So, yeah,
definitely.”

“It’s a big thing at my college,”
says Ellis. “We always watch.”