Buddha Da (22 page)

Ah woke next mornin, in the middle of a dream; no a
scary wan, just weird. There was this pool of green water, bright green it was, unnatural lookin, and ah was tryin tae get across. It looked shallow enough but when ah put ma foot doon ah started sinkin then jumped across tae the next bit. As long as ah kept jumpin ah wouldnae fall too far but if ah let masel stop ah knew ah’d go right intae it. And it wasnae like sinkin intae mud, it was cauld and icy. There was somebody waitin for me on the other side, a man; ah think it was Jimmy but it didnae really look like him. When ah woke up ah was still far away fae him and the safety of the other side.

It was five o’clock in the mornin but ah didnae want tae go back tae sleep in case the dream started again. It wisnae the most frightenin dream ah’d ever had but it was confusin. Usually if ah have a dream it’s dead obvious what it means, but this. Ah leaned back on the pillows, shut ma eyes and the feelin came back tae me; the cauld of the water beneath ma feet, the panic as ah started tae sink and the relief as ah sprung up oot the water, the green castin an eerie light all round the sky and this dark, shadowy figure waitin for me on a rock on the other side. Ah just couldnae figure it oot.

Ah could feel ma body’s tiredness seepin through, and as the tiredness started tae relax me, ah remembered last night. Warmth, spreadin through the inside of me, a nice soft warmth. Actually ah’d no felt that last night at all, it was all too quick and sharp and desperate the way it happened. We’d nae time tae lie thegether, feel the efterwards. And last night when ah came hame ah was too hyped up, too tired. But noo, lyin in ma bed ah remembered him, started tae imagine whit it would be like for us tae be thegether, take wer time.

When Jimmy and me stopped daein it at first it was awful;
ah felt as if ah was climbin the walls, but then ah accepted it, and ma body seemed tae get used tae it. But last night showed me how much ah’d been missin, no just the closeness, the lovin, but the physical bit.

Ah still couldnae unnerstaund how it had happened that way. Ah liked David – he was nice – but ah didnae really know him, so how come ah found masel on a flair wi him, couldnae even wait tae we got somewhere private tae dae it? Ah lay still, till the dawn started tae show through the curtains, then fell asleep.

Next day Nikki phoned. ‘So, what’s all this wi you and David, then?’

‘Ah’ll just take it in the other room. The TV’s a bit loud.’ Ah moved the phone intae the bedroom and spoke quietly intae it. ‘Nikki, ah cannae really talk the now – Anne Marie’s here.’

‘Does this mean ah’ll need tae wait tae the morra for the gory details? Ah don’t know whit yous were up tae last night but you should of seen Alan’s face when he came back in.’

‘Aye, well … how did you get on last night? You looked as if you were gettin on fine wi Alan.’

‘Ah don’t know – he’s supposed tae phone me this week. He’s OK. No ma type really. Look, we’ll need tae have a really good blether the morra. D’you think auld Anderson would let us take wer lunch break thegether the morra?’

‘Nae chance on a Monday. Mibbe we could go for a quick coffee efter work?’

‘Right, see you then. And it better no be too quick – ah want tae know everythin.’

* * *

‘Right – spill the beans.’ Nikki settled doon intae the big leather settee and turned tae face me.

‘Ah don’t really have much tae tell you.’

‘Aw, c’mon.’

‘Naw really. Ah mean we got aff wi each other …’

‘You don’t say? C’mon – get tae the nitty gritty.’

Ah looked at her, no very sure whit she meant. Did she expect me tae gie her a blow-by-blow account? Nikki and me had been workin thegether for a few month and ah liked her but we didnae really know each other that well. Ah wasnae used tae this – it was like bein a teenager again.

‘D’you mean?’

She lifted her coffee and took a sip. ‘Well, ah presume yous werenae washin up in the kitchen.’

Ah smiled. ‘Cleanin the flair, actually.’

‘You dirty wee bisom, you.’ Nikki poked me in the airm wi her finger.

Ah stirred the coffee, mixin in the froth, then took a sip.

‘When are you seein him again?’

‘Ah’m gaun round tae his flat on Friday – he mailed me the day.’

‘There you go. He’s dead keen on you – you could tell.’

‘How?’

‘Just the way he was lookin at you. He’s gorgeous, you lucky girl.’

‘Nikki, can ah ask you a favour?’

‘Sure.’

‘Ah’d rather you didnae say anythin aboot this just noo. Ah mean, ah don’t know what is gonnae happen, mibbe nothin …’

‘Away you go …’

‘But, well, wi things the way they are between me and Jimmy, ah don’t really want it tae be public just yet.’

‘But yous are separated, aren’t you? Ah mean he went aff tae live in that Centre.’

‘Ah know.’

‘You’ve got a right tae go oot and enjoy yersel.’

‘Ah know, but it’s Anne Marie … ah’m worried it might upset her. If it doesnae come tae anythin it’s no worth her gettin upset aboot it.’

‘And if it does?’

‘Ah need tae find the right time tae tell her.’

FOR DAYS EFTER
ma granny’s funeral ah couldnae get it oot ma heid. ‘
Salve Regina
’. Roond and roond like an itch that’s unbearable till you scratch it. Ah had tae sing it or it was in ma heid drivin me daft. So ah sang it in the shower and in ma room and sometimes even found masel singin it oot loud when other folk were around. On the Saturday efter the funeral ah was round at Nisha’s, lookin oot her bedroom windae and ah never even realised ah was daein it, then Nisha says, ‘It’s funny, that song has been going through my mind all the time too, ever since you sang it at the funeral. It’s really hauntin.’

‘Aye, it’s on ma mind all the time.’

‘It’s a beautiful song. Will you teach me it?’

Ah went through it line by line, and Nisha sang it back.
Then we done it thegether, slowly.

‘What does it mean?’

‘Hail, holy queen, mother of mercy, hail, our life, our sweetness and our hope.’

‘Sounds better in Latin.’

‘Aye, it does. Ma granny taught it tae me. She used tae say everythin was better in Latin – in the auld days they used tae say the whole Mass in Latin.’

‘Everything was better in the old days according to my mum. Unless it’s out of Marks’s, of course.’

Nisha started lookin through her CDs. ‘You know, we could dae some nice harmonies on it.’

‘What?’

‘“
Salve Regina
”. You sing it straight, OK?’

Ah sang it straight through and Nisha harmonised, repeatin ‘
salve
’ and ‘
regina
’ gaun up and doon the scales, tryin it oot different ways. And some bits of it worked and some didnae but when we’d finished we just kind of looked at each other, no sayin anythin.

Then Nisha spoke. ‘Hey, we just made up a song.’

‘Ah guess.’

‘Anne Marie, did you see
Freeplay
last week?’

‘Naw, cannae staund thon guy that presents it.’

‘Ah know – he’s a complete prat – it’s just, last week they announced this CD competition, and ah’ve been thinkin aboot it all week.’

‘You never said.’

‘Well, wi your gran and … anyway, ah couldnae really figure out how we would dae it.’

‘But what is it?’

‘Ah taped it – let’s go through and watch it. He explains it all.’

The programme was wanny they magazine type things for teenagers – the presenter was a right eejit and ah never usually watched it. There he was sittin on his beanbag wi a crowd a kids planted round him and he was sayin, ‘That’s almost it for now. But before we go I’ll run through the rules of the competition again. CDs must be produced on a home computer, not in a professional recording studio. The main singers or musicians must be under sixteen years old on the 31st May, though you can sample tracks from other places, subject to copyright restrictions.

‘And remember, don’t worry if the quality of the recording isn’t great. We’re more interested in the quality of the music and performance. The ten winning entries will be professionally recorded and released on a CD and the overall winner will also be released as a single. So get busy – entries must be sent in to arrive by the 31st May.’

As the credits rolled up ah sat starin at the screen

‘What do you think?’ said Nisha.

Ah sat for a minute, tryin tae think it oot. Then ah said, ‘Know how Gurpreet mixes his stuff fae all different records and samples and that? D’you think if we worked on this, mibbe added different bits, he could mix up a track for us?’

‘Don’t see why not. We’d just have tae convince him it was worth his while. But a competition like this could be a big break for him too. Ah know he really likes your voice, and even though he’d never admit it cos ah’m his sister, he likes mines too.’

‘Wouldn’t it be brilliant though?’ Ah looked at the cover of a Madonna CD. There she was lookin straight intae the camera, so cool. Wan day that could be me and Nisha.

‘What else could we put with it?’ said Nisha. ‘Ah mean
“
Salve Regina
” could be the main part but we’d need tae build up loads a different layers.’

‘How does Gurpreet dae it? Just listens tae lots of tracks?’

‘Aye, and sometimes he samples in words and phrases in Punjabi ower the top.’

‘Mibbe we should just start listenin tae CDs and see what we think might work. It’s a pity we cannae use Gurpreet’s equipment.’

‘Don’t even whisper that … let’s get started, look through these CDs. If we’ve a clear idea tae put to Gurpreet he’s mair likely tae take notice. If we just go tae him and say we want tae make a track it’ll be “daft wee lassies, bug off.”’

But it was a lot harder than you’d think. When you hear these folk like Fat Boy Slim daein their stuff it sounds dead easy, stickin bits and pieces fae other singers’ records all thegether wi a backin track aff a computer and makin loads a money. Ma daddy used tae go on aboot it when we were watchin the TV. ‘Would you look at the state of it? Winnin awards for stealin other folk’s work and muckin it aboot. And they used tae say punk rockers couldnae play their instruments!’

But when you sit and listen tae music and try and work oot which bits might go thegether and how you’d organise them, well it doesnae seem that easy after all. We sat and listened tae Nisha’s CDs maist of the efternoon and came up wi nothin, then ah went hame and played all ma favourites and got nowhere. But the next day, flickin through the rack, ah came across the CD of Tibetan chants ah’d gied ma daddy for Christmas. He’d made a tape of it for his Walkman but
he’d left the CD here since he’d nae CD player at the Centre. Ah held it in ma haund, lookin at the cover of snow-capped mountains for a moment, then pulled it oot the case and stuck it in the machine. And there it was, just like the chantin ah’d heard the lamas dae that night they prayed for ma granny. Deep harsh sounds, way back in their throats, as if they came fae down, down in the centre of the earth.

On Monday at school, Nisha tellt me she’d spoken tae Gurpreet. ‘He’s dead keen aboot it. Wants tae get thegether wi us next Saturday.’

‘Cool.’

‘Only thing is we’ll need tae watch for him takin ower.’

‘How d’you mean?’

‘Ah was thinkin aboot it last night efter ah’d spoke tae him. He started gaun on aboot all the ideas he had and how he could use our voices and, well, it kind of started soundin as if it was his CD, no ours.’

‘So whit dae we dae?’

‘We need tae make sure that we’ve got wer ain ideas sorted afore we get thegether wi him – we should put him off for a few weeks. If we go in wi a couple of rough ideas he’ll just take over. Ah know Gurpreet. Most of the time he’s so laid back he’s practically horizontal, but when it comes tae music he just goes for it.’

Ah knew whit she meant. Ah’d seen Gurpreet often enough round at Nisha’s house, lazin aboot on the couch, remote in wan haund, bottle of Beck’s in the other. He looked as if a bomb wouldnae shift him. But the Gurpreet ah’d seen thon karaoke night – the difference was unreal. It was like watchin a cat that’s stalkin its prey; all that energy concentrated in its body, every whisker and piece
of fur alive wi it. If Gurpreet took over we wouldnae get a look in.

‘Nisha, d’you want tae come round tae ma bit wan night this week and we’ll try and work sumpn oot afore we see Gurpreet? Ah’ve got an idea.’

‘Cool. When?’

‘Wednesday? You could come round tae mines for your tea.’

When ah played the Tibetan chants tae Nisha she just looked at me. For a minute ah thought she didnae like it but then she said, ‘Awesome,’ and a big grin spread across her face.

Ah smiled too. That was it. We’d found it.

Course that wasnae it at all. That was just the start. We had the base line of the chantin and the ‘
Salve Regina
’, but that wasnae enough tae make a whole track. In the end it took us ages and ages and for a lot of the time ah felt we werenae gaun anywhere at all. The funny thing was that right fae that first day ah felt ah could hear the whole song in ma heid, how it was gonnae sound, but it was like a dream that’s just started tae slip away fae you when you wake; ah couldnae access it.

It didnae help that me and Nisha had nae real musical trainin. We could sing but couldnae play any instruments. And it’d probably of been easier if we’d let Gurpreet help us right fae the start, but Nisha was definitely agin that.

‘We cannae let him in on this till we get a good idea of what we want. Or it won’t be ours.’

Ah knew she was right but it didnae make it any easier. Here we were sittin in ma bedroom wi wan CD of monks chantin and a Latin hymn ah knew by heart – less than two
month fae noo we were gonnae submit a recording tae a TV programme.

‘How are we gonnae dae it wioot him though?’

Nisha looked through ma CDs and picked oot wan by Fat Boy Slim.

‘What’s the best track on this?’

‘“Right Here, Right Now”.’

‘OK – we’re gonnae work out how he does it.’

If we listened tae it wan time we listened tae it fifty, sixty times.

‘Opening – he’s got this really solid base track and he lets it repeat a couple of times then he has the voice over it for just a phrase repeated a couple of times, then back again. So …’

‘We could have the chants startin aff then bring in a voice.’ Nisha started singin ‘
salve
’, playin aboot wi different notes. ‘No, no, this isnae right, but get the idea?’

‘Aye. Then back tae the chants again afore the actual melody comes in.’

And so we went on and on, tryin tae work oot a structure, thinkin aboot how we could make different layers in it. The problem was we’d nae way of hearin how it sounded thegether. We could sing ower the Tibetan chants but we didnae have the equipment tae record our singin on tap of them. And sometimes somethin started tae sound good but we couldnae exactly remember how it went.

When Gurpreet came for Nisha at nine o’clock we were shattered.

‘At least it’s a start,’ said Nisha. ‘See you the morra.’

‘So,’ says Nisha, ‘have you asked your da yet?’

‘Ma da?’

‘Aye – it’d be easier for him tae contact the lamas, wouldn’t it?’

We were staundin just ootside the main door, waitin for the bell tae ring. Ah didnae have a scooby what Nisha was on aboot and ah hated talkin aboot the lamas at school in case anybody overheard us.

‘How d’you mean?’

She waved her haunds in fronty ma face.

‘Hello, is there anybody there? Tae ask them tae chant for oor CD.’

‘Ah thought we were gonnae take it aff the CD ah bought for ma da.’

‘We cannae – it’ll be copyright. Even if we could get permission it’d be dead complicated and take ages. It’d be a lot easier tae ask them tae dae it. We don’t need much – Gurpreet can sample it. Give him something tae dae while we work on the other parts.’

‘OK.’

The bell rang and everyone started tae heid aff. As we split on the first flair, Nisha said, ‘Anyway, if the lamas dae it, they’ll be Scottish Tibetan chants.’

All mornin ah couldnae think of anythin else. Ah just didnae want tae ask ma da, didnae want tae get him involved in it. Couldnae figure oot why, ah mean, he wasnae gonnae be like Gurpreet tryin tae take over. It was just, somehow ah couldnae be bothered wi him askin a lot of questions and makin a big fuss – ah wanted tae wait till it was all done afore he heard it.

But ah couldnae work oot any other way tae dae it so that night ah said, ‘Da, Gurpreet wants tae record the lamas prayin.’

‘Is he thinkin a turnin intae a Buddhist then?’

‘Da, you’ve got a wan-track mind. Naw, just wants tae sample the chants on a record. Can you ask them if they’d dae it? He could go round tae the Centre and record them.’

‘Aye, hen, nae bother.’

Efter that Nisha and me spent almost every spare minute we had workin on it. If we werenae actually singin or lookin through CDs tae find ideas we were talkin or thinkin aboot it. Nisha was deadly serious. Ah’d never seen her like this afore. Usually when we were thegether we were always laughin and cairryin on, but this was different. It was brilliant – actually it was the maist fun ah’d ever had – but it was hard work too. You’d tae concentrate that hard tae haud it in yer heid, all the ideas. But even if we were tired and fed up we kept gaun. Nisha kept us gaun.

And it helped take ma mind aff ma granny. Ah was really really missin her. It was dead strange that she wasnae there any mair – ah’d been that used tae gaun round tae her hoose whenever ah felt like it. She was just always there, always the same. Even if ma ma an da werenae gettin on or ah was pissed aboot sumpn at school, there was ma granny, always glad tae see me, get the kettle on, have a chocolate biscuit. And noo she’s no here any mair.

The only person ah could talk to aboot it was Nisha.

‘It’s weird the way that naebody talks aboot her noo – you’d think she’d never existed. We don’t even have her photo up.’

There was a big photie of her da hangin under the photos of the Gurus in their livin room.

‘My ma won’t even take my dad’s name off the buzzer on the close – says it’s still his household.’

‘Ma granny’s hoose isnae even hers noo. Mammy cleared it oot last week and handed in the keys.’

‘Suppose she had to, though.’

‘Ah know – ah just wished she’d of let me help her wi it but she just done it hersel. And ma daddy said, “It’s no a job for you, hen.” But ah think it would of made me feel better somehow.’