Buddha Da (13 page)

‘Ah was up early copyin they files on the computer and ah felt tired, so ah lay doon for a wee nap – what time is it?’

‘Ten o’clock.’

‘My God – better get a move on. Can you stick the kettle on, hen, while ah jump in the shower?’

‘Aye, OK – want some toast?’

‘Suppose so – have you had any breakfast?’

‘Corn flakes.’

‘Anne Marie, do you want tae come tae Braehead wi me and help me wi the Christmas shoppin?’

‘When? It’s just ah said ah’d see Nisha.’

‘Look, hen, ah could really dae wi a haund the day. Why don’t you phone her and see if she wants tae come too? Yous could go round some of the shops yoursels for a while, and we could have lunch.’

‘OK.’

It was a miserable day, grey and dreich, but the mall was sparklin wi fairy lights and the place was mobbed. Santa’s Grotto was surrounded by reindeers and elves and there was queues of wee wans waitin tae see him. Ma hert sank when ah seen the crowds but by four o’clock ah was sittin in the cafe at the shoppin mall, a guddle of parcels at ma feet. The girls’d went aff tae have a look in HMV. Ah was knackered but ah’d managed tae get nearly all the presents and some of the food shoppin as well. Ah’d only sat doon for a few minutes when they appeared, Anne Marie wavin a poly bag at me.

‘Guess what ah got – look, mammy – a present for ma da.’

She opened the bag and haunded me a CD.

‘Tibetan chants?’

‘Ah was just flickin through the racks and came across it. Think he’ll like it?’

‘Well, ah havenae a clue what Tibetan chants are, but ah’m sure he’ll like it.’ Ah turned tae Nisha. ‘How did you get on?’

‘Ah got a CD for ma brother and a book token fae Waterstone’s for ma sister.’ Nisha sat doon at the table. ‘Gurpreet’s dead difficult – but he can change it if it’s no whit he wants, and Kamaljit loves readin.’

What ages are they?’

‘Gurpreet’s twenty and Kamaljit’s twenty-seven – she’s doon in London noo, works as a lawyer. Ah’m the baby.’ Nisha made a face, then turned tae Anne Marie. ‘Hey, ah nearly forgot tae say – Gurpreet thinks you were brilliant last night.’

‘Gurpreet?’

‘Of course he didnae say brilliant – “Good voice, your pal, cool performance,” was his exact words, which for him is the same as sayin brilliant. Oh and he must think ah’m the next Madonna cos he actually said, “No bad yoursel, Nisha.”’

‘Were all your family there last night, Nisha?’

‘Mammy and Gurpreet and Auntie Nihal were there. Kamaljit doesnae come back till next week.’

‘Ah’m sorry ah never met them.’

Ah felt ma face flush. Ah’d just rushed Anne Marie off hame last night wioot even speakin tae Nisha or noticin her faimly – ah’d need tae get a grip. Ah was gettin that caught up in what was gaun on between me and Jimmy that ah wasnae payin attention tae other folk. Nisha was Anne Marie’s best pal noo. The two of them were inseparable.
And ah never even said hello tae her or her mammy last night. They’d think ah was dead rude. Ah hoped tae God they didnae think it was because they were Asian.

The girls went aff tae get a drink and ah sat there, lookin at the cover of the tape. White mountain peaks in a blue, blue sky. Chilled me tae the bone just lookin at them.

So far all ah’d got Jimmy was a polo shirt and some socks; a cop-out present, the kind of thing you’d buy yer brother-in-law, no somethin personal, that he’d really like. Ah didnae even know whit he wanted any mair. Whit could ah get him? A weekend break in Tibet? A perra boxers patterned wi lotus flooers? Or a snowstorm scene wi a Buddha insteidy Santa Claus?

In the end ah might as well no of bothered ma heid for all the interest Jimmy showed at Christmas. He and John are usually dead busy wi folk wantin their hooses decorated afore Christmas and the New Year and wi this millennium it was even worse than usual. So they were gonnae take a fortnight aff over Christmas and the New Year. Ah’d extra holidays tae take too and ah’d been hopin that mibbe if we spent a wee bit mair time thegether, things could get back tae normal. Efter all, it was the New Year – we could start over a bit.

On Christmas Eve Anne Marie and me went tae midnight mass thegether. The chapel’s always lovely at Christmas wi the crib and the caundles and that new wee priest’s a bit of a change fae auld Father O’Rourke and his tales of purgatory. He has a soft Irish accent and in his sermons he’s always talkin aboot forgiveness and goodness – listenin tae him makes you feel better aboot yersel.

Usually when ah’m at mass ah just go through the motions.
Ah don’t know whit ah believe – ah think there is a God and Jesus was a good man but that’s aboot it. But ah’ve always felt it was better for Anne Marie tae be brought up wi somethin, no a vacuum. Ah wanted her tae have that security when she was wee.

Maist of the time ah don’t actually feel that ah’m prayin or that there’s anybody listenin tae me. But that night, sittin efter communion, when it was quiet and the priest was tidyin everythin away on the altar, as ah watched the figure of Jesus on the wall ah did pray; fae somewhere inside me came a feelin so strong that all the anger ah felt for Jimmy evaporated. Ah loved him, he loved me and it wasnae all his fault anyway. Ah’d been that tired and moany-faced recently ah’d never tried tae unnerstaund how things were for him.

Across the row fae us there was a wumman wi a tiny baby in her airms, all bundled up, asleep. Soft white fuzzy wool hat almost hidin its wee face. And the wumman that still, that caught up wi her bairn it was as though they were one. Ah felt as if a crack was openin up inside of me. If we could get wer act thegether ah could get pregnant again. Efter all, Tricia was expectin – why not me? Ah’d lost hert efter that last miscarriage but that was five year ago – surely there was sumpn they could dae noo. Ah shut ma eyes and prayed. There was nae words in ma heid just a big strong powerful feelin. A baby. Ah wanted a baby. And a baby would bring us back thegether.

When we got hame Jimmy was away tae his bed. He must of been exhausted efter all the extra hours he and John had been workin. Ah crept in beside him but ah don’t think anythin would of wakened him, he was sleepin like a baby hissel, sound, his chest risin and fallin. Ah lay next tae him,
listenin tae his breathin, thinkin about whit the priest had said. Gentleness. Bein kind, bein soft wi folk. Ah hadnae been very soft wi Jimmy. Ah needed tae talk tae him wioot gettin angry, try tae listen tae him, unnerstaund whit this wis all aboot.

Christmas Day was fine. Ah took Mammy tae mass in the mornin, brung her over for her dinner and Jimmy ran her back later on in the efternoon when she was gettin a bit tired. Tricia and John and the boys drapped in for a wee while too and it was as if everythin was back tae normal except that Jimmy didnae take a drink. Later on in the evenin efter they were away and Anne Marie was in her room listenin tae her new CD, ah sat doon on the settee next tae Jimmy.

‘D’you fancy gaun somewhere the morra, just the two of us? How about the movies in the efternoon then oot for sumpn tae eat?’

‘Aye, that sounds good. But whit time were you thinkin of?’

‘Ah’ve got the paper here – look,
Titanic
starts at 3.00 – we could mibbe go for Chinese or a curry or that.’

‘Why don’t we go later? Ah said ah’d go and make a start on the Centre the morra.’

‘The Centre? Ah thought you said it was closed over the holidays.’

‘Aye it is, that’s how ah can get on wi the decoratin – they’re gaun away on retreat for the New Year but the Rinpoche’ll gie me a key.’

‘Ah thought yous were on holiday for the next two weeks.’

‘We are. Thats’s how ah’ve got time tae dae it.’

‘So it’s no a job.’

‘Naw, just a favour.’

Ah stood up, walked tae the table and switched on the lamp. Ah was tryin tae keep masel fae just flyin aff the haundle, remember whit ah’d decided last night. Try tae be gentle. Try tae think of it fae Jimmy’s point of view.

‘Ah thought we’d be able tae spend some time thegether ower the holidays, Jimmy. It’s no often the three of us are aff thegether like this.’

‘We’ll have time thegether. Ah’ll no be at the Centre every day.’

Ah sat back doon beside him.

‘Ah’d like us tae spend some time thegether too. Just you and me.’

‘Aye, we will. We can go oot the morra night, it’s just ah want tae make a start durin the day. The light’s gone that early the now – it’s better if you can get as much as possible done in the daylight.’

But we never did get oot that night. When ah was at ma mammy’s in the efternoon she was a bit breathless and ah didnae like the look of her so ah called the doctor. It wisnae the young woman doctor she likes; it was a man ah’d never seen afore, probably a locum; he just done a quick check of her blood pressure and sounded her chest.

‘Is she on medication just now?’ He spoke tae me as if she wasnae there.

‘Aye Doctor, these pills here.’ Ah handed him the bottle and he looked at the label.

‘Has she been on them long?’

‘They changed her prescription last week, Doctor. She’s had some tests and they want tae dae mair.’

‘It’s probably just a side effect. I don’t think there’s anything to worry about just now but I think you should
phone the surgery and ask for an appointment for her to see her own doctor as soon as possible after the holidays.’ He turned back tae Mammy, raisin his voice. ‘Just rest from now on. Not too many parties at the New Year, now!’

‘OK, Doctor.’

When he was oot the door ma mammy said, ‘See ah tellt you there was nothin wrang. You shouldnae have called him oot.’

‘Better safe than sorry. Now you heard what he said. You get intae your bed.’

‘Ah’m no gaun tae ma bed the noo or ah’ll never sleep the night. Ah’ll just lie doon on the settee here.’

‘Well, make sure you do. Ah’ll stay and make some dinner.’

‘Thought yous were gaun oot for a meal the night.’

‘We can go oot any night.’

‘Ah’ll be fine. Away you go.’

‘Mammy, you heard whit the doctor said. You’ve tae rest. Anyway, you’ll need tae get better for the New Year.’

‘Aye, wouldnae want tae miss Tricia’s party.’

Anne Marie burst in the door.

‘Mammy, guess what? Gurpreet wants me and Nisha tae sing at his millennium karaoke night.’

‘What’s that?’

‘His millennium karaoke night. It’s in thon big hall down at George’s Cross. He’s sold loads a tickets already …’

‘But what time is it on?’

‘It’s on the whole night. He’s gonnae be daein his DJ stuff as well as folk gettin up tae sing wi the karaoke. But he wants us tae dae a wee slot just efter the bells – it’ll be brilliant.’

‘Anne Marie, we’re all gaun tae yer Auntie Tricia’s party at the New Year.’

‘Ah know, Mammy, but ah really really really want tae dae this. Gurpreet thinks we’ll go doon well wi the crowd. Please let us go.’

‘Ah’ll need tae talk tae yer daddy. Who’ll be there? Ah mean yous cannae just go yersels at that time of night.’

‘Nisha’s sister’s gonnae take us there in the motor. She’s up for the holidays. Please, Ma, it’ll be magic, singin in fronty all these folk.’

‘Well ah’ll talk tae yer daddy aboot it.’

‘Thanks, Ma.’

But of course we let her go. Efter all she’s growin up, ah always knew there’d come a time when she’d want tae dae her ain thing. Except ah didnae expect it tae be this soon.

And ah didnae expect Jimmy’s next move either.

‘
WHAT TIME IS
it?’

‘Nearly ten to.’

‘Ma stomach’s churnin.’

‘Mines too.’

Nisha and me were staundin at the side of the stage. The hall was jam-packed, you could hardly move. We’d got here at nine o’clock and there was already queues ootside. And noo the placed was jumpin.

It was a really mixed crowd. Gurpreet would get a couple of folk up at a time tae sing, then DJ for twenty minutes and have another karaoke slot. He played all kinds of music; some aulder folk and a big group a lassies wi short glittery frocks and high heels danced tae seventies disco music, while the trendy wans were up the minute he started the house
stuff. A big skinny guy at the front kept openin his mouth tae show aff his pierced tongue and another lassie wi blue hair had a dummy stuck in her mooth. Ah’d never seen anythin like it.

‘My God, Gurpreet must be doing well.’

Nisha’s sister was dead glamorous lookin wi loads a makeup and her nails painted gold and even though she’d only been away down south for a few year her voice was different fae Nisha’s already – she sounded quite English.

‘I imagined him playing in some scabby hall to a handful of geeky boys.’

‘He’s gettin really popular now,’ says Nisha. ‘A boy in fourth year came up to me last week and asked me if Gurpreet was ma brother. He thinks he’s brilliant.’

‘Who’d have thought it? Of course maybe the crowds are really for the Millennium Babes, huh?’

That’s what we were cryin oorselves. We went oot yesterday tae get sumpn tae wear and Nisha’d spotted these wee tops wi ‘Millennium Babe’ printed across the front and glittery diamante stones set in the material. They had them in different colours so Nisha got a pink wan and ah got a blue. It was funny how it made a difference gettin dressed up; somehow it makes you feel as if you really are a singer. It was the same wi the school show; we’d been rehearsin and rehearsin, then suddenly when we put wer costumes on, it became real.

Gurpreet signalled tae us tae get up on the stage. He’d tellt us tae be ready tae go on as soon as all the kissin and jumpin around efter the bells had died doon a bit. He’d planned it all in advance.

‘He really works the audience, doesn’t he?’ said Kamaljit.

From the side of the stage we could see Gurpreet close
up. Haudin his headphones tae his ear wi wan haund he stroked the record wi the other, movin it back and forward, swayin in time tae the beat. Then the headphones fell round his neck while he played the dials wi baith haunds, movin them round wan way and then another, manipulatin the sound so it rose and fell, pulsed and throbbed. He’d his eyes hauf-shut as though he was feelin what he was daein, as though his fingers were sensin how it should be, long thin fingers like Nisha’s. And the crowd were gettin mair and mair carried away with it, you could feel the energy rise fae the dance flair.

Then he stoppped the music.

‘Right everyone, get ready to count down with me, not just the New Year, but the new millennium … ten, nine, eight …’ He wove in the sound of a radio station counting in the bells and the chimes of Big Ben boomed across the hall. Everyone went mental, kissin each other and jumpin up and doon. Kamaljit gied me a hug and a kiss. ‘Good luck, babe!’ she whispered in ma ear. Gurpreet waited for the noise tae subside a bit then he got back tae the mic.

‘OK, everyone, there are some fireworks outside but that is nothing compared tae the fireworks you are gonnae experience in here in a moment … let’s hear yer best welcome for the fabulous, the amazing, the incredible, Millennium Babes …’

And that was us. For wan split second when ah seen the crowd heavin in fronty us ah felt like heavin masel, a sick feelin lurched in ma stomach, then the first few notes of the song rang oot. Nisha said, ‘You can dance,’ and ah took a deep breath and we were away, launchin intae wer routine, beltin it oot, usin the mics the way we’d practised in front of a mirror over and over again.

And when we’d finished they went mental, they were clappin that much you’d of thought it was really Madonna up on the stage. Gurpreet muttered ‘Go for it’ while he footered wi switches and we launched intae ‘Holiday’. We’d learned the routine aff the video, all the arm actions, and we danced oor way through that; it was easy, lighter, mair fun. Then wer finale, ‘Like a Prayer’, intense and over the tap.

Wanst we’d got aff the stage, Kamaljit came up and flung her airms round us. ‘You were brilliant. Girls, you are stars.’

‘They really seemed tae like us,’ says Nisha, soundin surprised.

‘They loved you, they really did. I was watching the audience when I could tear myself away from your performance and they just loved it.’

A guy came up tae us, an aulder guy wi straggly hair and a leather jaicket. ‘Girls, do you have anyone managing you?’

‘Managing us?’

‘Yeah, I manage quite a few local bands and I’m always looking out for new talent.’

Kamaljit looked at him, and said, dead cool and dead posh, ‘The girls are already represented.’

‘All right. But, please, take my card anyway, in case you change your mind.’

He turned round and heided aff through the crowd.

‘What did he mean?’

‘He’s a creep. Forget it. Let’s go and dance.’

Kamaljit looked at his card, ripped it in pieces and drapped it on the flair.