Brutal (35 page)

She loved that doll. She put the doll her on her nightstand to admire it. One night, she knocked her over and broke her. I heard her crying, because I was still awake cramming for finals. I ran to her room and asked her what was wrong.

‘She was fragile, I broke her, Nessa’, she says, crying in my arms.

‘Maybe I can fix her,’ I say. ‘Give her to me.’

‘I broke her, I fix her,’ she says, turning away and taking the doll with her.

‘Who will fix you, Maddy?’ I ask. ‘I don’t like it when you’re sad.’

‘I’m not broken, silly,’ she says. ‘I’m tough like you, I won’t never break.’

Am I tough? Or am I breaking?

I realized I’m both.

Despite my past, the traits I had as a kid are still in me somewhere. When my dad was caught up in a case and couldn’t make it to my games, I understood. When my mom wasn’t able to drop me off at the mall with friends because she was busy with Maddy, I got it. When Macy sets me straight, it pisses me off, but I forgive her because I love her. When Rogan choked out my neighbor, I told him he never had to apologize for protecting me. In fact, I love his aggressive side.

I guess, if I was looking at all sides fairly, he was doing this to protect me. I get that, too. It doesn’t erase the hurt, but it does help to make sense of it. I don’t like being apart from him, and I don’t like being a coward either. Even knowing he heard things he wouldn’t have had he not been listening, at the end of the day it doesn’t change the way I feel, it doesn’t change us. Why am I letting it change us? I’m hurt because I’ve never lied to him, I wouldn’t ever lie to him, and if I’m being honest, it hurts because I feel like I’ve trusted him with everything, whereas he didn’t really trust me at all.

Again, if I’m being objective, he knows I’ve never lied to him, so everything he’s heard he knew I spoke the truth so why did he continue to do it? I suppose if I want to find out, I’ll need to put on my big girl panties and find out for myself. I’ve never backed down from anything in my life, certainly nothing as important as us, and I don’t intend to start now.

I’m finished hiding. I have to face this. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t promise I won’t do it again, but I’m ready to come back now. We need to talk this out. I can’t lose the best thing to ever happen to me. There are a few things I know for certain: You never know when you’re number is going to be up, everyone lies sometimes, and we were meant to be together. If forgiveness means moving past this lie, loving each other while we’re here, and hope that we get taken out together when the time comes, then I’m all over this forgiveness thing. He’s the one I want to live for and die with. I could barely handle a few hours without him in silence, let alone a lifetime.

When I hide out like this, it doesn’t take me long to find my way back, because I’m choosing to. I’ve done this so many times, I’ve got it down to a science. Bottom line, he’s mine, and we need to figure this out.

I’m watching him stare at his hands, and then suddenly he stands up and comes over to my hospital bed and sits on the edge. He’s doing something with my phone, and I’m fascinated just watching him. Whatever he’s doing has his total concentration. He turns to me and sets my phone in my lap, then hits play.

It takes me a moment, then I hear a song I played not too long ago, being played back to me. I absorb the lyrics, letting them do their job and heal me, knowing he’ll take care of the rest. I look up from my phone and he’s looking at his hands again. I reach forward and take his hands in mine, needing him to look at me. He doesn’t look up, but closes his eyes instead. He’s punishing himself again, and it’s my fault this time. I squeeze his hands harder which, given my state of affairs, is still pretty weak. I just need to see his eyes, I just need him to look at me, and tell me we’ll figure this out.

I
don’t know what else to do.

Rafe keeps opening up the door to check on her, and I keep shaking my head.

No change.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to be the reason the person you love goes fucking catatonic?

I need her to come back. Even if it’s just to tell me that she hates me, and to fuck off. She just needs to come back. The doc says physically, she’s fine, she’s healing, so in this case, medicine can’t help. It’s up to her to come back because she wants to.

She’s strong, she’ll come back, and I know it deep. It’s a miracle I won her once. I’ll fucking do it again, no problem. This time, nothing stands in my way. No lies, no bullshit, no competition. Tony? Who’s Tony? I don’t know any Tony.

James Laurel or whoever the fuck he is? I’ll rip his head from his neck, and put it on a platter for her, if that’s what it takes. No obstacles. We’ll keep this pure. Nothing will taint us.

Determined, I scroll through her phone and find the first song I ever heard her sing. The night I promised myself that I would save her or die trying. I stand up and take two steps, and sit on the edge of her bed because I can’t be away from her anymore. If she wants me to move, she’s going to have to say so. I turn the phone facing her, and place it on top of the blanket in her lap. I hit play. I watch her, waiting for recognition. Seconds later, without even blinking, she takes both of my hands in hers. The pain and relief I feel is so intense, I can’t even look at her. The song continues to play, and I keep my eyes squeezed shut. I haven’t cried since I was a little kid, but I could feel the burn, afraid to open them, afraid to let them free. She squeezes me again, but I can’t bear to see the pain in her eyes.

“Rogan?” she whispers, and my eyes snap open.

“A-Angel,” I say, looking away. “You’re back.”

“Stop it. Hey,” she whispers again. “Please look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Stop punishing yourself, and look at me,” she says. “I’m sorry…”

I don’t know even what to say. You’re sorry? For what? You didn’t fucking do anything wrong, was what my head was screaming, but nothing came out of mouth.

“I’m sorry,” she says again. I want to interrupt, but she holds up her hand. “Let me finish, yeah? Apologizing isn’t easy for me, but I shouldn’t have shut you out like that without talking to you. I was just overwhelmed, is all. I just kept waiting for you to correct Tony, and when you didn’t, I do what I always do. I shut down, and that wasn’t fair to you. I can’t use being here as an excuse, because I would have done this regardless of where we were. Just, please, don’t ever lie to me again. I don’t think I could take it.”

“I thought I fucked up our forever.”

“You didn’t,” she says, squeezing my hands. “Can I ask why you didn’t tell me?”

“At first, it was the sound of your voice. I fell asleep to you, I woke up to you. I needed to know everything about you. I’d hear you talk to Macy about me, and I felt…I couldn’t believe you wanted me. I always wanted to keep you safe, so I’d stay out of your way, but close enough if you needed me.”

“And?”

“Fuck,” I say. “Then Gallo got under my skin, and I kept waiting for you to lie to me. But, you never did.”

“Did you want to stop?”

“No,” I say. “Anything to be close to you. I don’t think I’d have ever stopped.”

“Is it still on my phone?”

“I haven’t done anything with it,” I say. “I’ve been too busy worrying about you.”

“I don’t care that it’s on my phone, Rogue,” she says. “We’re partners, like you said, I told you, anyway but…if I need to talk privately to Macy, or anyone else, you need to respect that.”

“I got no problem with that,” I say. “I need to say I’m sorry now.”

“I’m not done,” she continues. “We’ll leave it active, because this nightmare is going to get worse, but you will let me handle Tony, agreed?”

“Fuck no,” I say. “He’s made it clear he ain’t giving up, and I’m not—“

“If I need your help, I’ll ask. Agreed?”

“I ain’t promising anything,” I say. “But I’ll try.”

“I can work with that.”

“I can’t tell you what seeing you hurt like that did to me,” I say, leaning into her hand. “I’ll be sorry for that, too, for as long as I live.”

“You have a habit of assuming fault for everything,” she says. “I know you’re sorry for lying to me, and I forgive you. But if you apologize for me being in here again, I’m going to kick your ass. You didn’t do this.”

“I fucking knew better,” I say. “Leaving you there didn’t feel right.”

“It felt wrong to me, too. Instead of listening to my gut, I ignored it. But there is a positive to this.”

“No, there fucking isn’t,” I say. “You almost—“

“Let’s look at this objectively,” she demands. “If you didn’t know me, but you had the facts, what would you be doing right now?”

“Tracking James Laurel.”

“We have a name,” she points out. “I don’t recognize it, but I also don’t think whoever did this to me was James Laurel.”

“Why not?”

“He wants me alive, at least until he has me. The guy that did this acted on instinct. He didn’t know me.”

“You’d be right,” I say. “The guy that did this to you was shot, point blank, by James Laurel.”

“Interesting,” she says. “How does Max know him?”

I fill her in on what Max had told us, and I can see the wheels turning in her head.

“Since I don’t interact with the crowd much, I’m not surprised I don’t know this guy by name. But for whatever reason, he’s fixated on me, and it works to our advantage. What doesn’t, though, is that he seems to know a little too much. We need a strategy.”

“My first strategy is getting you home,” I say. “The Cap, Rafe, and I won’t leave you out, and I’m sure Tony will have all sorts of fucking input. But we also need Max on this, so how would you feel if we had everyone over?”

“Macy?” she asks. “What about her? She needs to know.”

“I agree,” I say. “Macy, too. Rafe is going to go see her in the morning.”

“I’m in,” she says, laughing. “What could go wrong?”

I
’m going home today, thank fuck. I need a decent meal, my own shower, and to take a hatchet to my legs. The coffee here is shit, too. No wonder so many people die in hospitals. I text Macy to let her know that Rogan has me, and asked if she’s talked to Rafe, but I haven’t heard back yet. Rogan says the Cap wants to come and see me before I’m released, and I owe him a bit of an apology, too.

Jesus, I’m apologizing to everyone these days. While Rogan is talking with the nurse about my discharge, I sit here enjoying the quiet. Odd, considering normally I’m not a fan of it. A lot has happened in a short amount of time, and I don’t know what I’d do without all of these people on my side. Look at me evolving. Who knew it could happen? It did, and I plan to protect it with everything I’ve got.

“Baby girl, you awake?”

“I’m up, Cap,” I say. “Come in.”

“You look beautiful.”

“Uncle, you need your eyes checked.”

“No, I don’t,” he says. “You are the perfect mix of Theresa and Brent. Like I said, beautiful.”

“What brings you by?” I ask changing the subject.

“Couple of things,” he says. “First, I’m sorry I deceived you, and second, I have an offer for you.”

“Forgiven,” I say. “What’s the offer?”

“I want you to partner with Rogan and Rafe, full time.”

“Really?” I ask. “A three way?”

“I’m serious, smart ass,” he says. “They need you, and you need them, especially Rogan.”

“What about the club? Macy?”

“Your call,” he says. “But I would think, at least in the beginning, being there would be a help, not a hindrance. Macy is your call. I know the boys will probably want her in, too. She’s too damn smart not to be useful.”

“When do you need an answer?”

“Go home and rest,” he says. “Rogan asked me to come by later to meet up, but I think it’s best he’s a relay at this point, so give it a week, eh? Let’s nab the bad guy, and then we’ll talk.”

“I can work with that.”