Broken Like Glass (9 page)

The next time I see Chrissy,
I dread what she’s going to ask me. The last few weeks, we’ve spent talking about my momma and I let it slip at the end of our last session that I’d been kidnapped. I didn’t mean for it to come flying out, but those words got wings and a mind of their own.

I’m sitting in the chair, sweating bullets, just waiting for her to pounce. “Well, aren’t you going to ask? Go ahead, get it over with. Let’s talk, and you can give me my homework…”

She interrupts me and says, “Stop.”

I’m looking down at my hands. I’m not ashamed of being kidnapped. Not like I had a say, but I’m ashamed of what happened while Lucy had me and I just know it’s seeping out of me like sap from a tree.

“Lilly, if you aren’t ready to talk about it, I understand. I think it would be good for you to talk about it, but I’m not going to push you.” Her voice is gentle and kind. I’ve kinda gotten used to it by now, but not totally.

I take a deep breath. “It happened. Lucy took me. I can’t change it so why dwell on it.”

“Tell me what you can, okay?”

My chest tightens and I feel weepy. “All right,” I say barely above a whisper. “Momma was sitting in front of her sewing machine one day. You know where it used to sit, right?”

“Yeah, I played in your house enough to remember that.”

“Well, she’s sitting there sewing and Lucy comes in and they’re talking and Lucy asks if she can take me for ice cream. It’s not a big deal. Lucy would still come into town from time to time to see me, take me places. She and Will, my biological daddy, had given me to momma and daddy, but it wasn’t official yet. So, momma says Lucy can take me.”

“Okay.”

I lick my lips and rub my sweaty palms on my jeans. “Lucy takes me by the hand and we walk out of the house, out of the gate, and around the corner. We’re walking and I can see a green car up the street with the back tailgate down. Later on, I realize it was an old-timey station wagon.”

“We get to the car, Lucy picks me up, puts me in the car and jumps in the back with me. She closes the tailgate and next thing I know we’re driving away. We drive a while, and then I start seeing planes coming and going.”

I’m pretty proud of myself cause I’m holding it together pretty well for the moment. I smile and laugh nervously. “I don’t remember a whole lot beyond this point.”

“Well, just tell me what you can recall and remember, no pressure,” Chrissy says softly.

“Okay. I remember seeing a plane and pointing at it and the woman driving bites my finger. I find out later she’s Lucy’s momma. I was supposed to be named after her, but when I was born Lucy said I didn’t look like a Gertrude. I looked like a Lillian,” I say and laugh.

“Momma told me Lucy took me to West Virginia. All I remember about being where I was, was that I was in an apartment. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.”

“Lucy had a man friend. I think they wanted to have a night alone one night because she locked me in her room that night. I found her makeup and played with it. She said I ruined it. I just remember her face being really red, and lots of angry words.”

I stop talking for a moment. At this point, tears start to pool in my eyes. The next part of what happened to me is the part that’s the hardest to tell and it’s the part I remember the most vividly. I start to say something and I catch Chrissy looking at me. My throat closes and I pop up out of the chair to go stand at the window.

“Lilly, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I know telling me all of this was hard. I can’t imagine carrying all this on your own.”

“Daddy blamed momma for Lucy taking me. Never forgave her. He didn’t know what happened while I was there and as far as I know momma never told him either. Daddy was mean and vengeful. I think she was afraid he’d kill Lucy. I think she was more afraid of losing him than anything,” I blurt out. It’s the nerves getting to me.

“Well, that certainly lines up with what Fancy told you.”

“Yeah.”

“I want to continue this later. I know our hour isn’t quite over yet, but I think it’s okay to call it quits early today. I do have homework, though.”

“I figured.”

“When you come back next time, I want you to tell me what happened.”

I’m out the door before she can finish the sentence. It’s a painful memory and I was told to never speak of it. I’ve kept it all this time. I’ve survived, made good grades, lived with it all this time so why now?

Why now, Papa, why now?

I stumble out the door and straight into Uriah. He’s got his hands in his pockets and it looks like he was walking somewhere.

“Hey, Lills.”

I tuck my head and keep walking. I’ve got nothing to say. It’s been over a month since I’ve seen or spoken to him. For someone itching to know all my secrets, he’s sure been mighty absent.

“Lills!” he yells and runs to catch me.

“I’ve got nothing to say to you, Uriah. I’m not planning on staying here and you are. Find yourself a girl who’s gonna stay here and marry her. I hear Misty’s in the market.”

He grabs me by the arm and spins me to face him. “Lilly, you stop your nonsense right now. I know I made you angry, but I’ve been waiting for you to come out of your therapy session so we could talk.”

“I’m going to the Kettlefish. If you happen to be there then I guess I’ll see you there,” I say and start walking again.

Uriah walks quietly next to me the entire way to Kettlefish. He tries to open the door for me, but I block him. I don’t want his help and I don’t want him.

It smells like beer and cigarettes and peanuts. Not a clean smell, but it’s growing on me. It’s become a familiar place to hide from the good people in this town. I know I’m not good people. I never did fit in.

The table I’ve occupied in the past is free, and I take a seat with my arms crossed in front of me. Uriah walks to the bar and strikes up a conversation with Fancy. I see her look my way and smile. They talk a while and then Uriah comes to the table with two glasses.

“I can get my own drink when I’m ready for it,” I snap.

“Lillian James.” His tone is stern.

I look up at him. I hate that he’s cute. I wish he looked like a clown who’s been through a cheese grater. Then he smiles ‘cause he can see my face soften. I don’t want to make amends with him, but my whole body is saying something completely different. I feel…betrayed.

“I’m sorry, Lilly. You have every right to be mad at me. The first time you tell me something that I don’t like, I split and you don’t see me again for more than a month. Here I am, asking you to tell me all your secrets, but I can’t even handle something as silly as you not living in town.”

I take a big sip of my soda and just look at him. The bubbles tickle as they go down and I think, what’s there to say?

Uriah sits down and takes a drink. “How you been?”

I want to say, “Like you care,” but I don’t. I hold my tongue and talk to Papa instead.

Papa, please make him go away again. Make him go away and not come back this time. He deserves better. You know it. I know it. I bet his momma knows it. Why doesn’t he know it?

My heart hurts. Papa says, “Be honest, Lilly.”

“You left, and you didn’t come back. I didn’t do and say what you wanted me to and you left. Why didn’t you just stay gone? You know you deserve better than me.” I try to hide the hurt in my voice, but I can’t. My heart’s there, laying on the table between us, beating wildly, flayed open, and it just plain stings.

Uriah’s voice catches as he starts to speak. He clears his throat and starts again. “I can’t change what I did, but I can be different from this point forward. And, Lilly, who says I deserve better than you? Who, in this town, is better than you?”

“Misty, Chrissy, Jenny, and everyone else.”

“I don’t want those girls. Besides, don’t you know Chrissy is getting married?”

My eyes go wide and my mouth parts. “Nope.”

“She’s getting married to Phillip Easterly. Remember him?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“He was a sophomore. He runs the Thriftway now.”

“I had no idea.”

“Jenny’s married too, by the way. She married some guy that works the oilfield. The reason you haven’t seen him is cause he’s in the field a lot.”

“Misty’s not married. There’s always her.” The door opens and Misty Morning glides in on her split hooves. “Speak of the devil.”

Uriah laughs and turns around to see Misty. “Hey Misty, why don’t you join us?”

I kick Uriah under the table and whisper, “No!”

Misty smiles a toothy wide grin. “Well, hello, Uriah, what are you doing in here?”

“Just visiting with Lilly.”

“I’ve got to get some papers notarized. Give me just a second and I’ll sit a spell.”

Uriah turns to me. “See, she’s not all bad. Just give her a chance.”

I shake my head in frustration. “Whatever.”

He gives me a pointed look. “You play nice, missy.”

I stick my tongue out at him and make a face.

“Keep making that face and it’ll freeze like that.”

“Shut up.”

In an effort to show Uriah I can be nice,
I take a deep breath and prepare myself for Misty as she walks back to the table. The last thing I wanted when I walked in here was to talk to anyone. Except maybe Fancy. Instead, I’m drinking a soda with Uriah and Misty. I like Uriah and I don’t want to talk to him so imagine how I feel about Misty.

Misty takes the seat next to Uriah and smiles all flirty at him. “How are you today?”

“I’m good. What kinda thing were you getting notarized?”

“Oh you know, just stuff.”

“Just stuff?”

“Well, daddy’s got the idea to rename the business and so he wants to get it all done formally. So, I’m getting all the paperwork together for him.”

“That’s mighty nice of you.”

Misty tosses her red hair over her shoulder and pushes her chair to where she’s basically sitting across from Uriah like I’m not there. I’m already tired of her shenanigans.

I can’t hold my tongue. I’m grumpy and, well, I’m sick of Misty treating me like dirt. “Misty why do you hate me? What did I ever do to make you be so nasty to me? Did I do something when we were kids? If I did, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I could have done, but I truly, sincerely, and earnestly apologize.”

I’ve caught her off guard. I’ve caught myself off guard. I had no intentions of saying anything, but it just rolled off my tongue before I could stop myself. The shock of me apologizing makes her sit back a little. “You didn’t do anything to me. I just don’t like your kind.”

“What kind?”

“The kind you come from. My family is upstanding citizens. We work hard, go to church, marry once, and we certainly don’t turn out drug addicts. I’ve heard daddy and momma talk about you since I was a kid. ‘Stay away from that trash’, they’d say. You’re trash. Your momma and daddy was trash, your grandparents is trash, and you is trash.” Her thick Texas accent covers the entire speech. “When you left it was the best thing to happen to this town. All we needed was that daddy of yours to go and we’d be free of all the trash in this town.”

My eyes are watering. I’ve done nothing to her but be born. She hates me because I’m breathing. I’m sure I’ve been hated before. Maybe because I got good grades or because I said something I shouldn’t have or a myriad of other reasons, but Misty Morning and her entire family hate me because of my family. I have nothing to say to combat that. I can’t argue with her. If I’m honest, my family is trash.

“Misty…,” Uriah says, his face registers a shock I’ve never seen.

Misty jumps. She’s forgotten he’s been sitting next to her. Her mouth opens to speak and she squeaks. “I…I…,” she stammers. For a moment, she looks like a fly caught in a web. Stuttering and stammering, then she gets her wits again. She straightens her back and points her nose in the air. “I’m right. She’s trash. Uriah, you know she’s trash. The whole church has been talking about her and her trashy family.”

He stands and looks down at her hoity-toity self. “You know, I think this town has it backward when it comes to trash.”

Misty pops out of the chair and flashes him a nasty look. “You mark my word, Uriah Pendleton, Lilly is nothing but trouble and trash.” She flings her purse over her shoulder and prances out like she’s too good to have ever been in there in the first place.

“You all right?” he asks as he sits back down.

I shrug and wipe my eyes. “She’s right. I am trash.”

“No, not to me.”

“I wish you’d leave me alone.”

“You missed me when I did.”

I open my mouth to argue, but I can’t. I did miss him. I missed his smile and his sweetness and his everything. Uriah’s hair has even grown out enough it’s curling over his ears and it’s floppy on his forehead. Just like in school. Just like I like.

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to miss you. I don’t want to even like you as a friend. I’m not good enough for you.” I swipe a tear that escapes my eye. It’s my turn to run out of the Kettlefish. “Don’t follow me. I need to think,” I say and run out of the bar. Uriah says something, but I’m already gone.

Out of the bar, I take off for the cabin. I run and I run and I run. I find the road leading to the tree and take it just in case Uriah has decided to follow me. I need away from him and this town and all this thinking. I feel like I’m a piece of paper being crumpled in someone’s hand.

By the time I run all the way to the tree, my lungs are burning and I can’t catch my breath. I put my hand on the rough bark of the tree and bend over, breathing hard. My hair is sticking to my head because of the sweat, and my clothes feel gross. I look at the stream. The water looks cool and I just run and jump. Just a split second decision and the water is covering my head and rolling around me. The current is faster than I’d anticipated too.

I push with all my might and when my face breaks the surface I take a deep breath. The water is carrying me downstream and I paddle fast to make it to shore. I pull myself up and drop on the ground. I’m exhausted. I’ve run I don’t know how many miles and then taken a dip. My own mini ironman. I laugh as I lie there.

The sun beats down on me and it feels so good to just lie on the ground. I’m alone for all of two seconds.

Papa.

“What do you want?”

A soft breeze tickles my skin. The water has chilled me and I shiver a little.

“I don’t want to talk right now.”

Papa says, “We need to talk.”

“You talk and I’ll listen. How’s that for a change?”

I flop onto my back and look at the sky. White puffy clouds are sailing by in the shapes of all sorts of things. I concentrate on one that looks like a poodle.

Papa speaks softly. “Oh, my Lilly of the Valley. My sweet, sweet girl. Do you really think you’re trash?”

I stay quiet.

“You are so beyond loved. I love you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. I love when you aren’t lovable or even likable. I love you so far and so deep and so wide you cannot fathom the depth of my love for you.”

“Then why let all these bad things happen to me?” I curl into a ball and the tears pour. It’s an ugly cry and I’m glad I’m alone.

I feel Him wrap His arms around me. I don’t want His comfort or at least I don’t think I want it. I want to hurt like the trash I am. I want to be ugly and disgusting and broken and angry and bitter. I want to be trash because it’s easier to believe I’m trash than it is to believe I’m loved.

“Why haven’t we ever talked like this before? Why now?”

“You never stopped running long enough to have a talk.”

“But we’ve talked before.”

“Superficially. The way you would with an acquaintance. I want to be more than just a passing friend. I want to be your Savior. The lover of your heart. I want you to know me so well you see yourself the way I see you. I want you to know me so well that when you look in the mirror you see what I see. A creation so wonderfully made and so wonderfully loved all your cracks fade and all you see is me in you.”

“I don’t know if I can, Papa, I don’t know if I can. How do you fix someone that doesn’t know how to let anyone fix them?”

“Don’t worry about the being fixed.”

“How? How can I not worry? Don’t you expect me to be better soon?”

“Things that change quickly never stay changed. All I need is a willingness to change. A heart and ears willing to hear.”

“I won’t always, you know. I’m stubborn and mean…”

“Stop. Stop telling me what you think you are and listen to what I know you are. You belong to me. You are mine. Give me you, and let me do the fixing.”

“Okay, Papa, I will try. That’s all I’ve got, is try.”

“We’ll start with try.”

I feel Papa smile in my heart. I feel His arms around me. I feel a comfort I haven’t felt in years. I know I’m still broken. I know my pieces are still jagged. I know I’ll still hurt before He’s finished, but I know He loves me. I’ll just have to remember that in the future which may not be as easy as it is right now.

“You’ll have to remind me,” I say and yawn.

“I’ll remind you, sweet Lilly. Don’t think I won’t.”

I can’t keep my eyes open. The day has taken all my energy and I just can’t move.