Broken and Screwed (5 page)

             
I wasn’t going to win with either of them, but they deserved the truth. I only hoped that I wouldn’t lose Marissa’s friendship because of it. “I thought you supported the idea of Jesse and me.”

             
“I did, but you’d been distant and even quieter since graduation two months ago.” Her hands lifted in the air. “What do you want from me? You’ve been off since Ethan died and you were finally becoming a little more normal until that night. Since you left with Jesse that night—”

             
“Wait. How do you know that?”

             
“I saw you.” Marissa sounded hurt too. “You never responded to my text, so I came out to make sure you were okay. I saw the two of you and he got in your car. It doesn’t take a genius, Alex. I knew what you did. And you never came to Barnies the next day for breakfast.”

             
“And you’ve been so distant from us since then. We can’t even depend on you to hang out with us. I mean, Justin had a party last night and you wouldn’t respond to our text messages.”

             
Ben harrumphed beside me. “She didn’t text me back either.”

             
I swung around. “You texted me?”

             
He shrugged and edged to the side. “I would’ve. I thought about it.”

             
I continued to stare at him.

             
He looked away and busied himself with a customer that had approached on the side. “Hi! How can I help you?”

             
I turned back to my friends. “I’m sorry. I am. I, just, I don’t know what to say.”

             
“So are you guys together or what? Casey said she got booted out by him. He took one look at you and practically threw her out of his home. Granted, I loved hearing that she got booted on her ass, but…” Marissa trailed off and shared another dark look with Angie. She took a breath, as if to ready herself. “But what’s going on? Are you guys dating?”

             
I looked away. What could I say? No, we weren’t. My friends would lecture me on how I needed to be a strong woman. I couldn’t give up the jewels for nothing, but they didn’t know what it was like. I could escape with him, only him. It wouldn’t be the same with anyone else. I would feel empty. I did feel empty with everyone else, even spending time with people.

             
Jesse understood.

             
Then I lifted my shoulders in a helpless shrug. “I don’t know what to say. Jesse loved him, too.”

             
“Oh!” Angie’s eyes went wide.

             
Marissa looked horrified.

             
“Oh my gawd. I didn’t even think about that.” Angie surged forward. Her hand clamped down on mine where it was on the counter. She squeezed it. “I am so sorry, Alex. We—we didn’t even think about that.” Her shoulders sagged. “I’m a horrible friend. I should’ve thought about that.”

             
“Yeah, well, don’t worry about it.” My tone was casual, but I couldn’t ignore the guilt in my stomach. It spread throughout me. I looked anywhere but at my friends. I shouldn’t have pulled away and I knew I had. Angie was right. Since graduation night, I had steadily stopped responding to them and hanging out with them.

             
“Okay, um…” Marissa still bit her lip, but she forced a cheery voice out. “There’s a thing at the baseball fields tonight. It’s like a midnight tournament. Do you want to go?”

             
I held my breath. Did I?

             
She added with a whine to her voice, “Jesse will be there. The whole thing’s like a goodbye to him tonight.”

             
And that was my reminder that he had become the school’s star over the last year. He went from an above average athlete to excelling where no one could touch his records. I forgot how much Jesse had achieved over the last year, but in a sense I understood. He pursued anything that would keep his mind from Ethan. I did the same, but that meant I pulled away from everyone else.

             
Ben gushed out, “Can I come, too?”

             
Both Angie and Marissa cracked a smile.

             
Then Angie questioned, “Alex?”

             
I already knew I was going. Who was I kidding? I nodded my head. I was glutton for punishment and seeing Jesse in his element was definitely going to be a punishment for me.

             
Ben clapped his hands together. “Oh, goody! I can’t wait. I have the perfect shirt in mind.”

             
When I got to the baseball fields that night, it was after ten. We couldn’t leave until the mall closed. That was the end of our shift, and Ben insisted that I drive him to his house first. He needed a ride and wanted my opinion on the jeans he had chosen to go with his perfect shirt. I didn’t care. After seeing ten different jeans that had jewels on the back pockets, I finally lied and picked one. In truth, as we got out of my car and headed towards the fields, Ben didn’t look half bad.

             
His jeans were sharp and dazzled with the bling on the back and his polo shirt was striped pink and purple. He seemed happy as we headed towards the bleachers.  Or that might’ve been the huge smile on his face. He confessed that he had always wanted to attend an event with my girlfriends and I; apparently we were the ‘it’ girls for the next year.

             
I had no idea what he meant, but I nodded.

             
As we approached the fields, they were lit and all five of them were filled with teams. The steel bleachers in between were also filled to the maximum. The fences that separated the fields from the crowd had lounge chairs lined up from the bleachers to the end of the field. A second row of lawn chairs was placed behind them.

             
When we stepped around the concessions, I heard my name shouted and looked around.

             
Eric Nathan grinned at me as he gestured from inside the concessions stand.

             
Ben leaned close and whispered, “I knew it was true. I heard a rumor that he wanted to ask you out since his girlfriend broke up with him. He’s making his move!”

             
I nudged him back and moved forward. “Hey, Eric.”

             
“Hi!” He had a friendly smile on his face. As he skimmed over my shoulder and saw Ben behind me, it slipped a bit. Then he ran a hand through his sandy-blonde hair. His blue eyes seemed to sparkle even more as his perfect teeth flashed me a smile. “I’m glad to see you here. I didn’t know if you’d come.”

             
“Right.” I frowned at him.

             
“Because, you know, because Hunt is the reason for tonight, but…” He frowned and heaved a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything. I don’t really know what I’m talking about.”

             
Ben hummed behind me again. His whole body vibrated and I knew he was excited as he whispered in my ear, “He’s so cute. He likes you.”

             
I shoved him backwards.

             
“What?”

             
I glared at him and turned back. Erin’s frown deepened, but then he shook it off and gave me another grin. “You want a soda?”

             
“I would love a soda.”

             
And for awhile, I stayed there. Eric was nice. He was a jock from my grade with a lot of friends. Angie and Marissa would have given him the green light, but a short time later, I looked up and saw Jesse on the field. He had hit another home run. The crowd cheered as he rounded the bases. My heart faltered for a second.

             
There was no emotion on his face. His mouth was flat. His eyes were focused in front of him as he rounded each base. When he soared over home plate, his teammates met him and took their turn clapping him on the back. He had a smile on his face. There was no doubt about that, but it never reached his eyes. And no one else besides me would’ve known that he didn’t care if he hit zero home runs or twenty.

             
Then his eyes met mine and I jerked awake.

             
“Something wrong?” Eric asked, but his voice was at a distance.

             
Thirty people separated us, but it didn’t matter. Jesse stared at me and I stared back. I needed him. I hungered for him and when his eyes darkened, I knew he felt the same. Then I turned and bid my farewell to Eric. It didn’t matter how nice he was. I knew where I’d be that night. A shiver of anticipation went through me. It sizzled my skin, and I felt exhilarated as I found Angie and Marissa in a group behind the players’ seats.

             
Angie was on her feet, clapping loudly. “Come on, Justin! Come on. One more! One more, baby!”

             
Marissa smirked at me. “You’d think he was in the pros.”

             
Angie flashed us a glare. “Shut up. That’s my man and I’m supporting him. You all should take lessons. This is what you do when you love someone unconditionally. You clap and cheer like a mad woman and you don’t complain one bit. That’s what it’s like.”

             
“You look crazy?” I grinned at her.

             
Angie sobered, but then rolled her eyes. “Yes, or at least that’s what Justin wants. So I’m here and I’m cheering like a crazy woman. Whatever. I love that man. I’ll cheer until I get arrested if that’s what he wants.”

             
As I took the lawn chair beside Marissa, we watched Angie more than the game. She whooped, booed, and yelled with the best of them. I thought she was going to break out in her own cheer at one point, but when she collapsed in her lawn chair, I sighed in relief. I didn’t know if I would’ve cheered with her or hid from embarrassment.

             
Ben had gone to see some of his friends, but he returned for the last few innings and took the seat beside Marissa. When Justin’s team won 17 to 5, no one was surprised. Jesse had been on the team. We picked up our lawn chairs and waited to find out where the next game would prevail.

             
Close to midnight, I returned to the concessions stand. The line had tripled since we first arrived.

             
“Well, hello, Jesse’s slut!”

             
I froze for a split second, but turned. Casey Wright gave me a smug smirk as she stood with her friends behind her. All of them had their platinum blonde hair up in braids or styled to look cute as they wore baseball caps. And, of course, they wore tee shirts tied underneath their breasts and low-riding jeans.

             
When I saw her shirt had Jesse’s number, I took a breath. What was going to happen here?

             
Eric had popped his head out of the concession stand when he saw me, but now he faltered. I knew he had heard her.

             
“What do you want, Casey?”

             
She snorted in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? Leave Jesse alone.”

             
I sighed. When would she learn? “He’s going away, Casey. You have no shot.”

             
“And you do?”

             
“I never said I did.”

             
She snorted again and flipped her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder. Some of it trailed out from the back of her cap. Her emerald eyes were disgusted. “Are you kidding me, Alex? I told you what would happen if you got me as an enemy.”

             
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Angie surged forward from behind me. Her hands found her hips and her lips were in a snarl. Marissa was right next to her, complete with her pigtails. Both of them looked fierce.

             
Casey eyed them wearily. “Really? The three of you against me?”

             
Marissa snorted. “Do you really think you’re all that? You’re second line, Casey. Get behind us.”

             
Her eyes snapped in irritation. “I am
not
second line. How dare you say that?!”

             
Marissa’s tiny body was tense and she looked ready to hurl herself at the girl, but she threw her chin forward. Her arms crossed over her chest and she glared. The loathing in her eyes sent me backwards a step. Then she growled. “Are you effing kidding me? You’re
always
second line. You got second line in cheerleading. You’re in the honors class, not the highest honors. You get Bs when I get As. I get the captains and you’re lucky to get a starter. Do I need to keep going?” She threw her arms wide. “You’re second best, Casey. You always will be. Just get used to it and settle back. Shut the hell up, bitch.”