Brian Friel Plays 1 (11 page)

PUBLIC
:
Haven’t a bloody clue. Probably in the shop. Relax, man.

NED
:
That (
the
boot
) or the knee – it’s the only game them gets can play; and we can play it too.

TOM
:
(
Relaxing
) They’ve a hell of a forward line all the same, Ned.

NED
:
They’ll be in crutches this day week. By God, I can hardly wait to get the studs planted in wee Bagser Doran’s face!

(
He
crashes
his
fist
into
the
palm
of
his
hand
.)

TOM
:
All the same, Jimmy Pat Barney’s the get would put you off very quick.

NED
:
He won’t say a word to me. He knows his match when he meets it.

(
TOM
laughs
appreciatively. 
MADGE
appears
at
the
scullery
door.
)

MADGE
:
(
Coldly
) Just thought I heard somebody whispering. So youse finally made it.

JOE
:
(
Holding
up
glass.
) True to our word, Madge, that’s us!

PUBLIC
:
(
Happily
) They were on their way here when I ran into them.

MADGE
:
Aye, so. (
NED
belches
.) Mister Sweeney, too; gentlemanly as ever.

NED
:
(
Slapping
his
knee
) Come on away over here and I’ll take some of the starch out of you, Madge Mulhern. How long is it since a fella gripped your knee? Haaaaaaaaaaa!

MADGE
:
None of your smutty talk here, Mister Sweeney, And if the boss comes in and finds them bottles –

PUBLIC
:
I’ll keep them in order, Madge.

MADGE
:
‘Boys’! How are you!

(
She
goes
out
.)

TOM
:
(
Calling
) You’re jealous because you’re past it-that’s what’s wrong with you. Right, Ned?

PUBLIC
:
(
Raising
glass
) Well, boys, when you’re lining out on the pitch, you can think of me, because I’ll be thinking of you.

JOE
:
(
Earnestly
) Lucky bloody man, Gar. God, I wish I was in your –

NED
:
(
Quickly
) By the way, lads, who’s the blondie thing I seen at the last Mass on Sunday?

TOM
:
A big red-head?

NED
:
Are you bloody well deaf! A blondie! She wouldn’t be Maggie Hanna’s niece, would she?

TOM
:
There was two of them, sitting over near the box?

NED
:
I seen one.

TOM
:
’Cos they’re English. Staying at the hotel. But the big red thing – she’s one of Neil McFadden’s girls.

NED
:
Annie? Is Annie home?

JOE
:
Aye, she is. So I heard the mammy saying.

NED
:
Bloody great! That’s me fixed up for the next two weeks! Were any of youse ever on that job?

JOE
:
No, I wasn’t, Ned.

TOM
:
For God’s sake, she wouldn’t spit on you!

NED
:
Game as they’re going, big Annie. But you need the constitution of a horse. I had her for the fortnight she was home last year and she damned near killed me.

PUBLIC
:
Big Annie from up beyond the quarry?

JOE
:
You know, Gar – the one with the squint.

NED
:
(
With
dignity
) Annie McFadden has no squint.

PUBLIC
:
Away and take a running race to yourself, Ned.

NED
:
(
With
quiet
threat
) What do you mean?

PUBLIC
:
You were never out with Big Annie McFadden in your puff, man,

NED
:
Are you calling me a liar?

PRIVATE
:
(
Wearily
) What’s the point.

TOM
:
(
Quickly
) Oh, by God, Ned was there, Gar, many’s and many’s the time. Weren’t you, Ned?

PUBLIC
:
Have it your own way.

JOE
:
(
Nervously
) And maybe she got the squint straightened out since I saw her last. All the women get the squints straightened out nowadays. Dammit, you could walk from here to Cork nowadays and you wouldn’t see a woman with a –

NED
:
I just don’t like fellas getting snottery with me, that’s all. (
There
follows
an
uneasy
silence
during
which
PRIVATE
surveys
the
group
.)

PRIVATE
:
The boys … They weren’t always like this, were they? There was a hell of a lot of crack, wasn’t there? There was a hell of a lot of laughing, wasn’t there?

TOM
:
(
Briskly
) Bit of life about the place next week, lads – the Carnival. Too bad you’ll miss it, Gar. By God it was a holy fright last year, night after night. (
To
NED
) Remember?

NED
:
(
Sulkily
) Bloody cows, the whole bloody lot of them!

TOM
:
Mind the night with the two wee Greenock pieces?

NED
:
(
Thawing
) Aw, stop, stop!

TOM
:
Talk about hot things!

NED
:
Liveliest wee tramps I ever laid!

TOM
:
And the fat one from Dublin you picked up at the dance that night – the one that hauled you down into the ditch!

NED
:
I was never the same since.

TOM
:
(
To
PUBLIC
) Whatever it is about him (
NED
), if there’s a fast woman in the country, she’ll go for Ned first thing.

Lucky bugger! (
Pause
.) Aye, lucky bugger! 

(Another
brief
silence.
These
silences
occur
like
regular
cadences.
To
defeat
them
someone
always
introduces
a fresh
theme
.)

PUBLIC
:
I’m for off tomorrow, boys.

NED
:
(
Indifferently
) Aye, so, so …

TOM
:
Brooklyn, isn’t it?

PUBLIC
:
Philadelphia.

TOM
:
Philadelphia. That’s where Jimmy Crerand went to, isn’t it? Philadelphia …

NED
:
(
Quickly
) Mind the night Jimmy and us went down to the caves with them Dublin skivvies that was working up at the Lodge? (
To
PUBLIC
) Were you? – No, you weren’t with us that night.

JOE
:
Was I there, Ned?

NED
:
You mind the size of Jimmy? – five foot nothing and scared of his shadow.

PUBLIC
:
Best goalie we ever had.

NED
:
One of the women was Gladys and the other was Emmy or something –

TOM
:
Dammit, I mind now! Gladys and Emmy – that was it, Ned!

NED
:
Anyhow the rest of us went in for a swim –

TOM
:
In the bloody pelt!

NED
:
– and your man Jimmy was left in the cave with the women; and what the hell do they do but whip the trousers off him!

JOE
:
No, I wasn’t there that night.

NED
:
And the next thing we see is wee Jimmy coming shouting across the White Strand and the two Dublin cows haring after him.

TOM
:
Not a stab on him!

NED
:
– and him squealing at the top of his voice, ‘Save me, boys, save me!’

TOM
:
Never drew breath till he reached home!

NED
:
You (
GAR
) missed that night.

TOM
:
‘Save me, boys, save me!’

NED
:
I don’t think we went to bed that night at all.

TOM
:
You may be sure we didn’t.

NED
:
Powerful.

(
Another
silence
descends.
After
a
few
seconds
PRIVATE
speaks
.)

PRIVATE
:
We were all there that night, Ned. And the girls’ names were Gladys and Susan. And they sat on the the rocks dangling their feet in the water. And we sat in the cave, peeping out at them. And then Jimmy Crerand suggested that we go in for a swim; and we all ran to the far end of the shore; and we splashed about like schoolboys. Then we came back to the cave, and wrestled with one another. And then out of sheer boredom, Tom, you suggested that we take the trousers off Crerand – just to prove how manly we all were. But when Ned started towards Jimmy – five foot nothing, remember? – wee Jimmy squared up and defied not only the brave Ned but the whole lot of us. So we straggled back home, one behind the other, and left the girls dangling their feet in the water. And that was that night.

PUBLIC
:
If the ground’s not too hard, you’ll do well on Sunday.

NED
:
Hard or soft – (
Examining
his
boot.
) – I’ve a couple of aul scores to settle.

PUBLIC
:
You’ll never get as good a half-back as the one you’re losing.

NED
:
(
Quickly
,
with
pretended
interest
) D’you know what I’m thinking? We’d better see about transport.

TOM
:
Dammit, you’re right. I’ll get the aul fella’s van easy enough. Can you get your Charlie’s lorry?

NED
:
Just maybe. I’d better try him the night.

JOE
:
What about a song from Gar, boys, before we break up?

NED
:
What time is it?

JOE
:
It’s early in the night yet.

TOM
:
Twenty past nine.

NED
:
We’d better move then; Charlie was talking about going to a dance in Ardmore.

TOM
:
Dammit, that’s an idea!

JOE
:
We’ll all go-a big last night for Gar!

NED
:
Ardmore? Are you mad? Bloody women in that place don’t know what they’re for!

TOM
:
True for you. Scream their heads off if you laid a hand on them.

NED
:
But I’ll tell you what we’ll do – call in home first to see Charlie and then go on to the hotel for a dirty big booze-up.

JOE
:
I don’t like drinking in that place.

NED
:
Them two English bits – what’s their name?

TOM
:
Them strangers? Agh you wouldn’t have a chance there. They do nothing but walk and look at weeds and stuff –

NED
:
Who wouldn’t have a chance?

TOM
:
I know, Ned. But them two – they’re sort of
stiff-looking – like – like they worked in a post-office or something.

NED
:
They’re women, aren’t they?

TOM
:
Dammit, we might! … Still I don’t know … They knit a lot … (
To
PUBLIC
) What d’you think?

JOE
:
I vote we stay here.

PUBLIC
:
And you can count me out. I’ve an early start.

NED
:
£10 to a shilling I click with one or other of them!

PUBLIC
:
I won’t be here to collect my winnings.

NED
:
Come on! Any takers? Never clapped eyes on them and I’m offering ten notes to a bob!

TOM
:
Cripes I know that look in his eyes!

NED
:
Wise bloody men! The blood’s up, lads! Off to the front! Any volunteers for a big booze-up and a couple of women?

TOM
:
Did he say women? Sign me on!

JOE
:
I don’t think I’m in form the night, boys –

NED
:
We’ll show them a weed or two, eh?