Breeze of Life (16 page)

Dry and dressed, I plonked myself down under a tree and watched Harper flip around on the waves like he was no more than walking. He was beautiful to watch, powerful and explosive. I could easily understand how he had sped up the rankings to become one of the tour’s favorites. I scrolled through the contacts on my phone and put in a quick phone call to George who assured me the apartment was safe and sound and he would definitely bake me banana pancakes as soon as I got home. I then called Mia. She was quick to answer.

“Hey Bree!” she said in a cheerful singsong voice.

“Hey, short stuff, what’s happening in Queensland at the moment?” Mia scoffed.

“Short stuff, really? I’m almost as tall as you and I still have some growing to do, you’ve peaked!” I laughed at her honest assessment. “Have you kissed Harper yet?” she quickly went on.

“No, I haven’t. Have you kissed Sam yet?” I bantered.

“Of course!”

“Mia, you’re only fifteen!”

“So, it was just a kiss and there was no tongue. It’s not like we had sex or anything.” I shook my head. “He was my first kiss too. How old were you when you had you first kiss?” My heart and body remembered that kiss well.

“Fourteen,” I murmured.

“Ha! You hypocrite.” I did not miss the smug ring to her voice. “Who was it?” I thought back to the day, my fourteenth birthday. When I obviously took too long to answer, Mia quickly jumped to her own conclusion. “Oh my God! It was Harper, wasn’t it?” The girl was far too perceptive.

“Uh-huh,” I admitted.

“What was it like?”

“Wet,” I remembered the kiss like it was yesterday, “and wonderful, heart stopping, crazy, delicious.” Mia laughed with delight.

“Well, you sounded like you enjoyed it then and over the years he most likely improved so maybe you should try it again.” It was my turn to laugh. Remembering Harper’s kiss from March had me unnecessarily blushing. Yes, Harper had a gift and it wasn’t just surfing. Mia’s playfulness seemed to disappear in a heartbeat. “I’m able to go home for a couple of days.”

“That’s awesome, Mia! I know it will be good to get out of that damn hospital.”

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. The doctors wanna do a bone marrow transplant. My older brother, Jordy, is a match.” I didn’t know much about this treatment but I had heard it could be painful.

“That’s a good thing, more treatment gives you better chances at recovery right?” Mia didn’t answer.

“Do you think about dying, Bree?” The question made the air in my lungs expel in one giant breath leaving me dizzy. It took a few moments before I could answer her.

“Yeah, I’ve thought about it quite a lot over the last eight months,” I quietly admitted.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. You know, I’m not scared of it but my family is and I wish they weren’t.” The sorrow in her voice broke my heart.

“I understand that, you try to think of it from their perspective. You go on to a wonderful place and they stay behind, it’s hard for them.” My hands shook. This was not a subject I had broached with anyone before. Harper and I had barely scratched the surface of my own fears.

“I don’t want them to be scared though. It makes it harder for me.”

“Have you talked to your mum about it?”

“Yeah, she understands but she tells me she’s not worried cause I’m gonna get better.” Mia’s sigh was big, long and loud. My heart cracked at the sound that was full defeat. “It’s just, what if I don’t get better? How will I know if they’re gonna be okay?” I pulled at the scarf wrapped around my head.

“Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to come back an angel and you can help them that way, check in on them.” I stumbled for the words that might bring this tiny little beauty some peace.

“Will you do me a favor?” Mia suddenly asked.

“Of course, anything.”

“If I die, can you tell my mum I wasn’t scared, that it will be okay and that I’ll come and check on them whenever I can? Tell her not to be sad and I want lots of music at my funeral, and instead of flowers I want balloons, big yellow ones!” I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Haven’t you talked to your parents about these things?”

“No, they don’t like to talk about it. Promise me, Bree, please?”

“Sure,” I whispered. “I promise.”

“Cool, I gotta go pack a few things. Mum and Dad will be here to pick me up soon. Send me more pictures okay?”

“You got it kiddo, keep smiling.”

“Always!” Mia sounded decidedly more upbeat than she had a few moments ago. I, on the other hand, felt ready to break. As I disconnected the call I let it go, all of it. The sorrow and fear expelled from my soul in one hideous, colossal breakdown. The water in my eyes obscured my vision and began falling down my cheeks. As I began to cry, my heart felt split and raw. Mia was eight years younger than me, so much braver and so right—death was nowhere near as frightening as the sorrow left in its wake.  I would move on to something wonderful and free, but others would remain and it would break their hearts. Harper loved me and it didn’t matter if we were together as a couple or not, my death would hurt him. The only thing that made sense in this moment of grief was giving him everything I possibly could here and now. I couldn’t leave him with this memory of me, this sad girl who was so terrified of death she refused to live.

Chapter 15

Braving the Chop

Choppy waves are inconsistent, broken and generally no good for surfing on

As the tears continued to flow, I heard Harper before I saw him.

“Breeze, what’s wrong, baby girl?” His voice was full of panic. I couldn’t answer though, my ugly sobs had consumed my body, my voice officially gone. He fell to his knees before me and if I wasn’t so rocked by sadness I might have responded differently to Harper pushing my knees apart and settling between them. His arms quickly advanced to wrap around me, pulling me close, skin on skin. “Jesus Christ, Breeze, are you hurt, sick? You’re scaring the shit out of me.” I held on for dear life, unable to explain, held hostage to the hurt that poured from my body. Soon enough the damp cool skin of Harper broke through to my senses. My sobbing became less frequent, my tears slowly drying up.

“I’m sorry,” I managed in a voice racked with grief.

“Talk to me, Breeze, what’s going on?” He sounded so worried.

“I’m okay, really. I just talked to Mia and I got upset. I’m sorry if I worried you.” I felt really bad for freaking him out.

“Is she okay?”  His concern was still there but obviously directed elsewhere now.

“I don’t know. She wanted to talk about death, it kinda rattled me. It’s the first time someone openly talked about it like that.” Another sob took my breath away. “She’s only fifteen, Harper, she’s so little and young. It’s not fair.” If it were possible Harper held me closer, tighter. “But she’s not scared, she made me feel pathetic. She’s accepted her death and her only concern is that her family’s okay once she’s gone. Here I am, twenty-three and my outlook is good and I’ve been so selfish, living my life like it was already over.”

“You’re not selfish, Breeze, you’re just frightened and you have every right to be. Death is scary and everyone copes differently.” Harper massaged my neck, my face protectively nestled against his.

“But I haven’t been coping. I might as well be dead already!” He hushed me as he continued to rub away the knots that had taken up residence in my body, his hands beginning to ignite something else. Something I had long suppressed. Something I had long denied. “Harper?”

“Hmmmm?”

“Please kiss me,” I asked. His hand stalled, his breathing halted, his entire body froze. He still wanted to right? Slowly he pulled away from me, his hands sliding around my neck to cup my cheeks.

“Thank fuck for that,” he murmured before pressing his lips to mine and consuming me like I was an addiction he had long been starved of. His kiss wasn’t gentle, it was demanding and possessive. His tongue claimed entry to my mouth and quickly massaged mine, exploring, devouring. Although his hands didn’t move once from my face his kiss touched every part of me. The door that my inner woman had been held prisoner behind burst open and she grinned with female appreciation. I clutched at Harper’s shoulders wanting to be closer even though we were already pressed hard against each other. Harper was first to pull away. “Please tell me that wasn’t a moment that you’re gonna regret now?” Regret? The only thing I was regretting was that we weren’t back in the hotel room. I shook my head.

“I’ve loved you since I was ten years old. It took one of your screw ups, eight months of separation and facing death to make me realize that there is nothing you could ever do or say to make me love you less.” Harper sighed as he sat back on his heels, his hands dropping from my face to my shoulders then smoothing their way down my arms to finally settle at my knees.

“Hell, Breeze, I would never hurt you, I promise you that.” My eyes felt swollen, my lips thoroughly kissed and Harper’s devious smile made my heart pound hard. “Guess we better pick up those condoms.” It was meant to make me smile, but I didn’t. Another pain dulled my happiness. I nibbled on my bottom lip and Harper carefully used his thumb to pull my lip free from the attack. “It’s okay if you’re not ready, Breeze. Believe me, I want nothing more than to be with you like that but I’m a big boy, I’ll wait as long as you want.” I wiped away the tears from my face and looked at him square on.

“You don’t need to worry about me getting pregnant, and I’ve only ever been with Danny and they tested me for everything when I was sick anyway. If you’re not sure if you’re safe… Well, I guess we’ll go get some condoms.” I couldn’t look him in the eye. I had just dumped a truck load of ‘what the’ right on his doorstep. To say the silence was awkward was an understatement but thankfully Harper broke it.

“Ooookay. There are about a hundred questions in my mind right now, so let’s tackle this one at a time. You’re protected? Like on the pill?” Hardest one first, might as well get it over and done with. Like taking a band aid off, best get in there and do it fast.

“No, no protection. The treatment for the cancer has more than likely left me infertile. Even if I do find I can have kids it won’t be any time soon.” I still avoided his eyes until his finger lifted my chin forcing the honest confrontation I was trying to evade.

“How do you feel about that?” he asked. I shrugged.

“Pretty disappointed, but making a choice between children and life wasn’t really that hard.” He nodded.

“And if I had to choose between a life with you or with children, I know which one would win. Baby, if a child is something you want one day we’ll talk about it. If we can’t have them naturally, we’ll find another way.” Harper talking about children and using ‘us’ was kind of thrilling. “Okay, next up,” he took a deep breath and I drew back from the anger seething in his eyes, “you lost your fucking virginity to Danny Fucking McDick?” This angered him? Seriously?

“Harper, I was the only twenty-one year old girl who hadn’t given it up. I felt like a damned freak and wanted to know what the hell all the fuss was about.” He shook his head in disbelief.

“How the hell did you get to twenty-one a virgin? What about Adam Price?”

“Oh he tried to get into my knickers plenty of times. I guess I just didn’t want him like that.”

“Danny?” he groaned out loud. “Of all the people in this world, damn baby girl.” I was starting to resent Harper’s disapproval. After all, it really wasn’t his choice to whom I gave my V-card away to.

“You know, Harper, I would have gladly given it to someone else but as I recall the only someone else I would have even considered was busy screwing their way through the pro tour and encouraged me to date Danny McDick!” He stared at me for the longest time before shaking his head with disappointment.

“Shit, what I would have given to be the one,” he groaned. “And when I suggested you go on a date with Danny, I thought one date and that would be it. I didn’t expect you to date him for the next eighteen months and I sure as hell didn’t expect you to give up your virginity to him.” I wish I could say that my virginity had been saved for someone truly special. At least my first kiss held a sacred place in my memories. “And I’m clean as a whistle, baby. I’ve always been safe and Rick makes us have a full medical check periodically, I haven’t been with anyone since the last one.” I didn’t much like Harper’s agent Rick, but for this one thing I was grateful. Harper and I stared at each other a moment longer until my lips curved into a smile that I couldn’t stop if I tried.

“So,” I murmured. Harper mirrored my smile.

“So,” he agreed.

“Maybe we should go check back into that hotel?” I suggested in what was a pathetic attempt at seduction. I’m sure if my inner woman could have crawled out and slapped me she would have. I was seriously lacking in the seduction department. Harper leant forward and gave me a long lingering kiss.

“Let’s go pack up, I want to take you somewhere special.” He climbed to his feet and pulled me to stand. While somewhat disappointed we weren’t about to go fool around some more, I was also a little captivated by the idea of Harper taking me somewhere special. Did he mean somewhere special to have sex? What would it be like? Would he be a dominant lover? Would he be gentle, would he tease and play first? Would he want to tie me up? WHAT…THE…HELL? I needed to lay off the erotic novels. I blushed at my last thought and of course Harper noticed.

“I’d give anything to know what you’re thinking right now.”

“Anything?” I asked playfully as we packed up the back of the Jeep.

“What do you want for it?” he asked playfully.

“What are you willing to give?” I had never been considered brazen, I was really stepping outside of that damn box right now. My inner woman rolled her eyes. She was in no mood for delayed play, she was ready for action. I mentally flipped her off, I was having fun.

“One orgasm,” he said. I laughed but Harper was quite obviously deadly serious.

“What?” I balked.

“I’ll make you a deal.” His eyes gleamed with mischief. “If I can give you an orgasm in the next three minutes without actually having sex with you, that thought is mine.” Holy shit! I flinched at the fact I had sworn even though it wasn’t out loud. My breathing was already embarrassingly fast. I looked around, it wasn’t exactly private. “No one else is around, this isn’t a well-known beach. You can climb on up here in the back of the Jeep, the windows are dark. If anyone comes by they won’t have a clue what’s going on.” I thought about it for all of two seconds. The thought of Harper’s hands on me was too tempting of an offer.