Breathless (14 page)
But I didn't know how I was going to do that. I wandered aimlessly down the path, staring at the trees. It was a gray day. The sky hung oppressively over the woods. The trees were losing their leaves. Just a few weeks ago, they'd been alive with brilliant reds and yellows. Now the few that were left were mostly brown. The atmosphere mirrored my mood. Bleak. Colorless.
I couldn't get Jason to just tell me about his past. He was way too tightlipped for that.
And I didn't know of anyone else who could fill in the missing pieces for me. Even if understanding Jason would banish the feelings, I probably would never be able to understand him.
And what was worse, I didn't even know if that would work. Jason was entrenched in my subconscious now. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to stop thinking about him.
I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't even hear him approach. I didn't see him.
He was just behind me suddenly, one arm around my waist, his hand over my mouth.
"Don't scream," he whispered in my ear.
I knew his voice. The British accent. It was Hallam. The man from my house. The man who'd showed me the picture of Jason. I tried to scream anyway, but his hand muffled my voice. I bit his hand.
He yanked it away, letting go of me for a split second. I tried to scream then, tried to run, but he was too fast for me. Lightning fast, he pinned me against a tree, his hand at my throat.
"Don't scream," he said again, and there was menace in his voice now.
My mouth went dry. What was Hallam going to do to me? Maybe Jason was right about his being here being dangerous. Then again, maybe I was an idiot for wandering around in the woods by myself. Was I crazy?
"Okay?" Hallam asked.
His hand barely let me breathe. I nodded.
Slowly, Hallam removed his hand. I didn't scream. I didn't move. I hoped he would not hurt me.
Hallam stared me down. He looked very similar to the last time I'd seen him. He was wearing the same clothes. But he still looked very proper and tailored. Every inch an English gentleman. His appearance clashed with the way Jason reacted to him. Jason said that Hallam had committed such atrocities that Jason couldn't speak about them.
Which was real? The clean-cut, well-dressed man or the terrifying, dangerous tracker?
"I'm not going to hurt you," said Hallam.
I didn’t know if I believed him.
"I've been watching Jason. I've been watching him with you. He seems happy here."
I didn’t know what to say.
"Do you think he's happy?"
"He's—he's afraid. Of you," I said. But maybe I shouldn't have admitted that. Maybe it made Jason look weak. Oh God, what was Hallam going to do?
"But that's the only thing that's making him unhappy? Me?"
"I-I guess so."
"I want you to give him a message," said Hallam. "From me. Will you do that?"
So he was going to let me go? Good. "Yes," I choked out. As long as he wasn't going to hurt me or torture me or kill me or—
"Tell him that from now on, as long as I can help it, he's got a clean slate. He'll know what that means. Will you do that?"
I nodded.
"All right, then," he said. "You can go." He stepped back from me.
I was stupid. I was crazy. I was begging to be flayed alive. But I couldn't help it. The question ripped out of me. "Is he really your brother?"
Hallam laughed. "In a way," he said.
That had gone okay. "What way? Who are you? Who's after him?"
Hallam didn't laugh again. Instead he leaned close to me. His voice was deep and rumbling, with a tinge of threat, "Run away, little girl. You don’t want to spend any more time with me than you already have."
I didn't have to be told twice. I flew out of the woods, over the parking lot, and back into the school.
Once inside, I didn't know what to do. I'd skipped history, but I'd only been gone for fifteen minutes. What was I going to do now? Should I go back to class? I didn't know if I'd feel safe anywhere else. I stood inside the door, breathing heavily, totally undecided about my next course of action. In a flash of inspiration, it came to me.
I went to the nurse. "I've been throwing up in the bathroom," I said, "but I feel better now. Can I have a pass to class?"
She eyed me a little suspiciously, but she did what I said.
Clutching my pass, I slid into history class and handed my father the slip of paper the nurse had written for me. He gave me a concerned look, but didn't make an issue out of it.
At lunch, I found Jason immediately. He was sitting alone at a table, the way he usually did. I sat down with him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked me. I never sat with Jason at lunch.
I told him about meeting Hallam in the woods and what Hallam had said. I left out why I'd skipped history in the first place. I didn't want Jason to know I had a crush on him. Jason probably didn't think of me in that way anyhow. I was sure that Jason would want to be with a girl who was deeper and smarter than me. He deserved someone of the same caliber as himself.
Jason reacted angrily when he found out that I'd seen Hallam, but after I told him what Hallam had said, he got quiet.
"What does that mean, a clean slate?" I asked.
"He's telling me that they're going to leave me alone," Jason said. "I don't know if I believe him."
* * *
"But," he said, and there was so much hope in his eyes, it hurt, "if he's serious, then I could stay."
We didn't talk about why Hallam might leave Jason alone. I didn't ask, even though I was dying to understand. I knew that Jason wouldn't tell me anyway.
The Homecoming Dance was Friday, only two days away. Halloween. In a strange twist of events, the school had decided to schedule the Homecoming game for Saturday, the day after the dance. Students speculated this might an attempt on the part of the administration to keep football players from getting into too much trouble at the dance. If they wanted to play well the next day, they couldn't be hung over. I thought it was a good theory. I'd never heard of having the dance before the game though. It wasn't the typical way of doing things—that was for sure.
I had my costume ready, thanks to my shopping day with Lilith. Toby was still set on being Michael Myers, which was fine with me, as far as that went. The only thing that I didn't like about the costume was that he'd be wearing a mask. It was going to make it difficult to steal kisses on the dance floor.
There was some debate at home about whether Jason should be allowed to go to the dance. He said he didn't care one way or another. In the end, my parents ended up having to chaperone, and so they wouldn't be home. There was no way they were leaving Jason at home alone, so he had to go to the dance, and so did the guys. There was some grumbling about that. Cameron thought Homecoming Dances were "gay."
But they were all going, and they all had to scrounge up costumes at the last second.
In the whirlwind of preparation, it would have been tough for me to think much about either my feelings for Jason or my confusion about what was happening with Hallam and Jason's safety. But something happened on Thursday night that wiped everything from my mind. Toby was driving me home from school, and we were quiet, as usual.
I still felt a little guilty about my stupid crush on Jason. And with all the tension between Toby and me lately, it had been hard for us to have a conversation about anything. Most of the time when we were together anymore, we didn't talk. I was getting used to the silence.
When Toby pulled up to my house to drop me off, I leaned over to kiss him goodbye and then started to open the door of the truck to get out.
"Wait," said Toby.
I looked at him. "What's up?" I asked.
Toby looked nervous. "My parents are going to a Halloween party tomorrow night,"
he said. "They told me today that they're going to be out all night."
That was cool, as far as that went. "Lucky you," I said.
"You don't have a curfew anymore, right?" he asked me.
"No," I said. "Are you gonna have a party?"
"No," he said. "Of course not. I have the game."
"Right," I said.
"I thought maybe...you could...we could..." he trailed off.
Toby was turning into Jason. He wasn't finishing his sentences, and he wasn't telling me everything. "What?" I asked.
"Do you want to stay with me tomorrow?" he asked. "All night?"
My jaw dropped. Did he mean...? "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I asked.
He nodded. "I'm ready."
"Oh my God," I breathed. "Of course. Absolutely."
And then we kissed. It was a heavenly kiss, full of promise and excitement. It felt like orchestras and fireworks underscored it. When we pulled away, our faces lingered close to each other.
"I love you," Toby whispered.
"I love you too," I told him.
I walked back into my house dreamily, in a cloud of love. I was going to lose my virginity. And it was going to be to the most perfect guy ever. And we were in love.
And it was perfect. And how many other girls my age could say the same thing?
Of course, I immediately called Lilith.
"Hello?" she said when she picked up.
I squealed. "Toby and I are gonna do it!" I said.
"Wow," she said, "that's great. When?"
"Tomorrow!" I said.
"Cool," she said. "I'm happy for you, Zaza."
But she didn't sound as excited as a best friend should be.
"Look," she said. "I'm swamped with homework. I'm really sorry, but can we talk tomorrow?"
"Sure," I said. But I didn't want her to hang up. She was my best friend. She was supposed to ask me to go over the details of how he'd told me. She was supposed to help me figure out what kind of underwear to wear. She was supposed to give me tips, considering she was wiser than me in the ways of sex, and had already done it a zillion times. Besides, it wasn't like Lilith to be overly concerned with homework.
I felt confused and a little hurt, but overall, I was too excited to dwell on it. I had so much grooming to do. I had to shave. I had to figure out what to do with my hair. I'd planned something for the dance, but now that it was going to be such a significant night of my life, I had to do something completely different. This was epic. This was the only time this could ever happen to me.
God. It was forever until Friday night, wasn't it?
I started my search for the perfect hairdo on the family computer. After searching through pages of different pictures, I had about ten different ideas, all of which I'd printed out. The next step was going to be locking myself in the bathroom and attempting to duplicate all of them. I would take a picture of each, then look at them to decide which one I'd do tomorrow. I wasn't going to be able to help my mom with dinner, but this was really, really important. Really important.
I thought about Toby, and I sighed, a silly grin taking over my entire face. I was so lucky to be dating him. I wondered what he was doing right now. Sometimes he was online in the early evening. I pulled up aol instant messenger, but somebody else was already logged in. Huh? Who in my family called themselves morningstar68? That was a weird name.
I couldn't imagine any of the guys in the house used it, and my parents were hopeless about computers. I didn't think they even know what instant messenger was. Did they?
Whatever. I logged morningstar off and logged myself in. Toby wasn't online. Oh.
Well. That was fine. I'd be seeing a lot of him tomorrow. Then I giggled as I thought about the full implications of that statement. I was going to have sex! I couldn't believe it.
I bumped into Jason in the hall after finishing the last of my hairstyle choices. I wasn't looking where I was going because I was flipping through the pictures on our digital camera. I couldn't decide which hairstyle I liked the best.
"Sorry," I said to Jason.
"You've been in the bathroom for a really long time," he said.
I showed him the pictures. "I'm trying to figure out my hair for tomorrow."
He took the camera from me and flipped through the pictures himself. "They all look the same to me," he said, handing it back.
Boys! They were completely and totally different hairstyles. There was nothing about them that was even remotely similar. "So which I one do you think I should do?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Like I said, I can't tell the difference."
"Well thanks for nothing," I said, sidestepping him to go to my room.
"But if you really want my opinion," he said.
"I do," I said.
"Then I think you should wear your hair down," he said. "It's, um, pretty like that."
"Oh," I said. "Thanks."
He half-smiled at me, and I made the mistake of looking into his big, brown eyes. Bad idea.
Toby, I reminded myself. My boyfriend. Who I was going to have sex with. "I have to go," I said to Jason, and hurried off, aware that I sounded ridiculous.
* * *
"What are you doing here?" I asked them, after I'd given both of them enormous hugs.
"It's Homecoming," said Gordon. "We came home."
"Besides," said Noah, "we wouldn't miss your big night for the world, Zaza."
My big night? My brothers didn't know I was going to have sex with Toby, did they?
My mother decided to order in Chinese food, since we all had to get into costumes and get ready. That way, none of us had to worry about cooking or cleaning up. My dad and Chance went to pick up our enormous Chinese order. When they came back, they needed help to cart all the food back inside.