Breathing Room (37 page)

Pamela giggled. "Take over with Larry, will you, Isabel?"

Savannahcurled herself around Ren like a python. "Let's dance."

He slipped his cigarette into the corner of his mouth and gave Isabel a shrug. This time he locked his hands at the back ofSavannah's waist and began a slow grind.

Larry gazed up at Isabel from the floor. "I'll pay you a hundred bucks to take over where Pam left off."

"I think we should talk first to see if we're compatible."

Ren snorted.

Larry groaned and eased up. "Jet-lagged. The rest of them slept on the plane." He shook her hand. "I'm Larry Green, Ren's agent. I was on the phone when we were introduced. I haven't read any of your books, but Pam was filling me in on your career. Who handles you?"

"Until recently, Ren."

Larry laughed, and she noticed that his eyes were shrewd but not unkind. The rhythm of the music changed, and Ren slid his palm a few inches lower onSavannah's hip.

Larry tilted his head toward the liquor chest. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Wine would be nice." She took a seat on the couch. Her last meal had been eight hours ago, and she needed to eat, not drink, but she'd lost her appetite.

The music changed to a rhythmic ballad, andSavannahrubbed herself against every part of Ren she could reach. Larry handed Isabel a drink and took a seat next to her on the couch. "So I hear your career's in the crapper."

"On its final flush."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"That seems to be the million-dollar question."

"If you were my client, I'd tell you to reinvent yourself. It's the fastest way to get the energy back. Create a new persona."

"Good advice, but unfortunately I seem to be a one-persona person."

He smiled, and they began to talk about careers while she tried not to watchRen andSavannah. She asked Larry about his work as an agent, and he asked her about life on the lecture circuit.Ren stopped dancing to showSavannahsome of the antiques in the room, including the pistol he'd terrified Isabel with during her first visit. To her relief, he put it away, but as he moved closer, she realized that his speech had gotten slurred. He gestured toward Larry with his liquor glass. "Why th' hell didn't you bring some grass with you?"

"An irrational fear of foreign prisons. And since when do you...?"

"Next time bring some goddamn grass." He refilled his glass, not caring that he splashed half of it onto the tray as he poured. He took a swig, then curled his hands aroundSavannah's hips. They began another slow, sexual dance. Isabel decided it was a good thing she hadn't eaten, because anything she'd swallowed would have come right back up.

"You want to dance?" Larry asked, more because he felt sorry for her, she was certain, than from any desire to move beyond the couch. She shook her head.

One of Ren's hands curved aroundSavannah's bottom.Savannahtilted her face and parted her lips. That was all the encouragement Ren needed, and he dove right in.

Isabel had seen enough. She rose purposefully from the couch and gathered up her shawl.

Then she spoke just loudly enough so she could be heard over the music. "Ren, would you step outside with me for a moment?"

An uneasy silence fell over the room. Ren slowly disengaged himself fromSavannah's lips. "Don't be a drag," he drawled.

"Yes, well, Drag is my middle name, and this won't take long."

He picked up his drink, looking bored and very drunk, took a deep swig, then set it down.

"All right, let's get this over with." As he made his way unsteadily toward the doors that led to the loggia, he lit another cigarette.

Which she promptly snatched from his mouth as soon as they were outside.

"Hey!"

She stomped it out. "Kill yourself on your own time."

He bristled with drunken belligerence. "I'll kill myself any goddamn time I want."

"I'm so annoyed with you."

"You'reannoyed? "

"Did you expect me to be happy?" She drew her shawl tighter. "You've actually given me a headache. As for eating... I couldn't swallow a bite."

"I'm way too drunk to care."

"You're not drunk. Those drinks were mainly ice, and you spilled every time you poured.

If you want to walk away from me, just come out and say so."

His lips tightened. The drunken swagger faded, and his speech rang clear as a bell. "All right. I want to walk away."

She gritted her teeth. "You have no idea what you want."

"Who says?"

"I do. And right now I seem to be the only one of us even remotely in touch with our feelings."

"Did you open your eyes in there?" He jabbed his hand toward the doorway, and his words shot out like bullets. "That's my real life. This time inItalyhas been avacation .

Don't you get it?"

"That's not your real life. It might have been at one time, but not now. Not for awhile.

That's what you want me to believe is your real life."

"I live in freakin'L.A.! Women tuck their panties in my pockets when I go to clubs. I have too much money. I'm shallow and egotistical. I'd sell my fuckinggrandmother for aVanity Fair cover."

"You also have a potty mouth. But nobody's perfect. I can be starchy."

"Starchy?"He looked like he was going to erupt. He took a step toward her, gritting his teeth. "You listen to me, Isabel. You think you know everything. Well, try this on for size. Suppose what you're saying is true? Suppose I invited them here – went through all this – just to show you it's over. Don't you get it? The bottom line stays exactly the same.

I'm trying to get rid of you."

"Obviously." She couldn't quite keep the quiver out of her voice. "The question is, why put yourself through all this to do it? Why not just give me a'hasta la vista, baby' ? You know what I think? I think you're scared. Well, so am I. Do you think I'm comfortable with this relationship?"

"How the hell should I know what you think? I don't understand anything about you. But I do know this: When you put a saint and a sinner together, you're asking for trouble."

"A saint?" She couldn't take it anymore. "Is that really what you think I am? A saint?"

"Compared to me, you sure as hell are. You're a woman who needs to have all her ducks in a row. You don't even like having your hair messed up. Look at me. I'm chaos!

Everything about my life is insane. And I like it that way."

"You're not that bad."

"Well, I'm no walk in the park, sister."

She hugged herself. "We care about each other, Ren. You can try all you want to deny it, but we really care." Her feelings weren't shameful, and she wouldn't treat them as if they were. Still, she had to take a deep breath before she could go on. "I more than care. I've fallen in love with you. And I'm definitely not happy about it."

He didn't bat so much as an eyelash. "Come on, Isabel, you're smart enough to know what's going on. It's not really love. You're a woman who has 'savior' plastered all over you. You see me as a big rescue project."

"Is that so? Well, what exactly am I supposed to rescue? You're talented and competent.

You're one of the most intelligent men I've ever known. Despite that little soap opera you wanted me to believe, you're not a womanizer, you don't do drugs, and I've never seen you drunk. You're great with children in your own bizarre way. You have steady employment and the respect of your peers. Even your ex-wife likes you. Other than a weakness for nicotine and a foul mouth, I don't get what's so terrible about you."

"You wouldn't. You're so blind to people's faults it's a wonder you're still allowed outside without a leash."

"The fact is, you're afraid of what's happening between us, but instead of trying to work through it, you decided to behave like an idiot. And as soon as you get inside, you'd better scrub your mouth and brush your teeth to get rid of that woman's germs. You also need to apologize to her. She's a very unhappy woman, and it wasn't right to use her the way you were."

He shut his eyes and spoke in a whisper: "God, Isabel..."

The moon slithered from under a cloud, casting angular shadows over his face. He looked tortured and somehow defeated. "The scene in there. It isn't all that much of an exaggeration."

She resisted the urge to touch him. She couldn't solve this for him. He had to work it through, either his own way or not at all. "I'm sorry. I know how sick you are of living like that."

He made a soft, almost inaudible sound and pulled her hard against him, but she barely felt the heat of his body before he released her.

"I have to go toRometomorrow," he said.

"Rome?"

"Howard Jenks is there now finalizing locations." He patted his hip, searching for a missing cigarette pack. "Oliver Craig is flying in – the Brit who's playing Nathan – and Jenks wants us to read together. We've got costume fittings, some makeup tests. I promised to do a couple of interviews. I'll be back in time for the feast."

The feast was a week away. "I'm sure Anna will appreciate that."

"In there" – he tilted his head toward the house – "you didn't deserve that. I just... You needed to understand, that's all. I'm sorry."

And so was she. More than he could imagine.

Chapter 22

Tracy's eyes filled with hormone-driven tears. "Have I said thank you for giving Harry back to me?"

"Several times."

"If it hadn't been for you..."

"The two of you would have worked it out. All I did was speed up the process."

She wiped her eyes. "I don't know. Until you came along, we weren't having a lot of luck.

Connor, keep the ball away from the flowers."

Connor looked up from the soccer ball be was rolling around in the tiny garden behind the Briggs house in Casalleone and grinned at them. One side of the yard sloped toward a row of houses on the street beneath, the other toward a section of the old Roman wall that used to surround the town.

"Ren left forRometoday," Isabel said, the hollow place inside her aching. "He wants to get rid of me."

Tracyset aside the ratty pink child's denim jacket she'd been mending. "Tell me what's happening."

Isabel filled her in on last night's party. When she was finished, she said, "I haven't seen him since. Anna told me that he and Larry drove off aroundnoon."

"What about theL.A.parasites?"

"They left forVenice. Pamela's nice."

"If you say so."Tracyrubbed her abdomen. "He has a pattern of taking the easy way out, which is why he married me. The only place he tolerates emotional messiness is on the screen."

"It doesn't get much more emotionally messy than being involved with me." Isabel attempted a smile, but it wouldn't quite take shape.

"Not true."

"You're just saying that to be nice. He thinks I'm judging him, which I am, but only about his work. I tried not to show it, because I know it's not fair, especially since I have so many of my own flaws to deal with. The only reason I challenge him is that I care so much about him. Most of the time he comes out so high on my private rating scale that it shocks me."

"Are you sure lust hasn't clouded your judgment?"

"You've known him for so long that you don't see the amazing man he's grown into."

"Shit."Tracysagged back in her chair. "You really are in love with him."

"I didn't think it was a secret." Certainly not from Ren after she'd thrown her heart at him last night.

"I knew you were attracted to him. What red-blooded woman wouldn't be? And every look he throws at you is X-rated. But you're so wise about people. I thought you understood that any relationship with Ren has to stay at an animal level. The only thing he's ever really serious about is his work."

Isabel felt a pathetic need to defend him. "He's serious about a lot of things."

"Name one."

"Food."

"There you go,"Tracydrawled.

"I mean everything about food. He likes cooking it, creating with it, serving it. Food means community to him, and you know better than anyone how little of that he grew up with. He lovesItaly. He adores your children, whether he'll admit it or not. He's interested in history, and he knows art and music. And he's serious about me." She took a deep breath, and her voice lost its assurance. "Just not as serious as I am about him. He's got this maddening thing about how wicked he is and how saintly I am."

"Ren lives in an alternate universe, and maybe it has made him wicked. Women throw themselves at him. Studio executives practically beg him to take their money. People can't say yes fast enough. It gives him a distorted view of his place in the world."

Isabel started to say that she found Ren's view of his place in the world fairly clearheaded, if a little cynical, butTracywasn't finished.

"He doesn't like hurting women, but somehow he always ends up doing exactly that.

Please, Isabel...don't let yourself get sucked in."

Good advice, but it had come too late.

*

Isabel tried to stay busy, only to find herself staring off into space or washing the same dish over and over. When she realized she was hanging around the farmhouse in case the phone rang, she was so angry with herself that she grabbed her datebook and began planning every minute. She visitedTracy, played with the children, and spent hours at the villa helping get ready for thefesta . Her affection for Anna grew as the older woman told her stories about the history of the villa and the people of Casalleone.

Three days passed, and she didn't hear a word from Ren. She felt rudderless, heartsick, and increasingly despondent about the course her life was taking. Not only had she failed to find a new direction, but she'd made the old one even more difficult.

VittorioandGiulia took her toSiena, but despite the beauty of the old city, the trip wasn't a success. Whenever they passed a child, Giulia's sadness became almost palpable.

Although she put up a good front, their failure to find the statue had devastated her.

Vittorio did his best to cheer them up, but the tension had begun to take its toll on him, too.

The next day Isabel volunteered to baby-sit Connor at the farmhouse whileTracykept her doctor's appointment and Marta went up to the villa to help Anna with the cooking. As they walked through the olive grove, she concentrated on his happy chatter instead of the sharp wedge of pain that had poked a hole through her heart. Afterward they played with the cats, and when it began to grow chilly, she took him inside and let him draw at the kitchen table with some crayons she'd bought for him.